April's Real Blog

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Time for more retcons and reminiscences

Mom sed that she an' Connie treated Iris 2 coffee in the hospital caf, and Connie told Iris, "It's nice 2 get 2 know U, Iris. Elly sez such gr8 things abt U." And Iris was like, "How sweet!" Then she asked, "Now, how long have U 2 been friends?" Mom sed, "Oh... for yrs! Since B4 we were married." And Connie sed, "And I was divorced. When Elly moved next door 2 me, I was a single parent." And Iris sed, "That must have been a difficult time in yr life!" Connie told her, "It was! But Elly thot I had it easy... and I thot SHE did!" And then Mom and Connie both remembered how they looked @ ea other while thinking stuff. Connie remembered thinking, "I wish I had her security." And Mom remembers thinking, "I wish I had her freedom!"

OK, now I'm confused. The past is being revised again. I remember that Mike told me how, when he and Lawrence were little, they were both told that Connie and Lawrence's dad had divorced, and he [the dad] moved back 2 Brazil. But when Mike and Lawrence were teenagers, the story changed 2 Connie having gotten preggers while she was part of that medical team in Latin America, and how she never married Lawrence's dad, who never came up 2 live in Canada.

Another thing was that Connie didn't live next door when Mom and Dad bought the house on Sharon Park Drive. The house that Connie lives in now was where Mrs. Baird, the lady who bred sheepdogs and gave our fam Farley lived. Connie useta live in the house where the Enjo family lives now--across the street from the Pattermanse. The Enjos moved in when Connie and Lawrence moved 2 Thunder Bay, where she met and married Greg Thomas. Soon after, Mrs. Baird moved in2 an oldfoax home, and Connie and Greg bought her place.

I wonder Y they're changing this stuff now. Especially since Connie has that new bio on Mom's website, and the new bio sticks with the "got pregnant/didn't get married" version of events.

How confusing.


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  • At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Paige Fox said…

    But I thought Connie was married for a while to a guy who was not Lawrence's dad? And then they got divorced. It's almost like, after Connie had Lawrence on her own, she had to get married and divorced real quick, just so she could say she was divorced and not some fallen woman.

    I know that sounds confusing, but your world is always confusing to me. People get married, divorced, they have babies and the babies get older, and it's so hard to keep tabs on. No matter how much time goes by, everyone in my world stays the same age. But I guess that's happening to you now, huh April? Wanna come to the mall and try on Halloween costumes?

  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Here's a thought to chew on a bit: your mom brought Connie with her so she wouldn't have to talk to Iris. After all, she's tired of pretending to care about what happens to her dad so any relief from that depressing chunk of news is welcome. Pluis, Iris gets to hear about the life of a woman she doesn't really give a rat's ass about so everybody wins.

  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paige, yeah, i 4got abt the whole retcon where connie married an' divorced sum guy named pete landry. i don't think ne of us ever met this alleged person. and iris wd prolly b assuming she meant lawrence's dad.

    and no, my age isn't gonna freeze, despite what sum ppl mite have told u. as mike's very last-ever monthly letter sez, "We will grow older behind the scenes." i'd b glad 2 try on costumes w/u as long as u don't mind that i still get 2 grow an' change.

    lol, dc2, what mom an' connie don't realize is that iris sent me a txt message when the reminiscing began: "god hlp me, april, this cd go on 4evr!"


  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Everyone wins except Iris, that is. You mom gets to pretend she cares, Connie bullshits herself into thinking she's making a difference, your dad (remember him?) gets a few more hours peace to screw around with his toys like the idjit he is and your other siblings stand around all gobsmacked. Iris, OTOH, gets no real help and listens to a long, pointless story that goes nowhere and steals away time she'll be begging to get nack on her deathbed.

  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am sure that the reason Connie whitewashed her sordid past when she talked to Inurse was that she was afraid Inurse would judge her to be a scarlet woman for her whoring, single-momming ways, because Connie doesn't know about how Inurse can't really throw stones, since her husband used to have s-e-x with prostitutes at war movies, but now I think about it, it is no wonder Lawrence turned out gay, what with Connie always getting him new and different stepdads and the stepdads not sticking around very long or throwing him out of the house or whatever, it's a good thing for Frenchie that I came along, a Patterson woman never runs from a small child in need, no, we give them a hug, like when Mom would hug Gordon and then send him home to his alcoholic abusing parents, that is how I will be with Frenchy, I won't interfere between her and Therese, I will just always be there to hug her and quietly show how I am better.


  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Mrs. Iris Richards said…

    April dear,

    I’m so glad you got my text message. I’m becoming quite good at it, don’t you think?

    I thought perhaps I’d share with you a few details from Connie while your mom was using the restroom. I recorded the conversation on my cell phone using that cute little application you told me to download. It sure comes in handy!

    Connie: Now that Elly has stepped out for a few minutes, Iris, I want to apologize.
    Me (Iris): For what, dear?
    Connie: For coming along on what should have been a family-only hospital visit.
    Me: Oh, now, dear, don’t you worry. I am glad to meet you and the doctors have said that visitors are good for Jim.
    Connie: Well, it’s just the Elly couldn’t face the situation alone. She said she tried to get Elizabeth to come with her, but Elizabeth said “I don’t want to visit those crazy-assed coots! What if granpa’s illness is contagious? Besides, I have a date with Anthony.” Of course, Elly let her go on her date because she really does need to marry Elizabeth off soon.
    Me: I see.
    Connie: Then, Elly called John to see if he would come with her to the hospital. John agreed, but then showed up in a pair of filthy overalls and a train hat and refused to change into something more appropriate. So Elly said he could just stay home.
    Me: How interesting.
    Connie: Then Elly called Michael. Dee answered the phone and apparently sounded very annoyed. Elly said she could barely head Dee above the din, the children were screaming their heads off and the fire alarm was ringing, and she could hear the TV blasting in the other room. Dee told Elly that Michael and Joseph Weeder were up in the attic working on a very important writing project and simply could not be disturbed, except apparently Dee used words that we a lot less polite.
    Me: Goodness gracious!
    Connie: Well, after that, Elly just didn’t know what to do. She considered calling the dogs and asking if they wanted to go, but I pointed out that the dogs wouldn’t be allowed in the hospital. I then asked why she didn’t ask April, but Elly got that rage look in her eyes and I quickly offered to go instead.
    Me: I know that look well, dear.
    Connie: So, I just wanted to apologize if you feel I’m intruding.
    Me: Not at all, dear! I’m very glad to meet you.
    Connie: Well, thank you. It was very nice to meet you too!

    So there you have it. I wish your mother would have brought you instead, but I understand you have school and everything. Still, it’s so nice of you to call your grandfather every night and play your guitar for him over the phone. You’re such a sweet, considerate young woman! He smiles every time that phone rings at 8:00 pm, knowing it is you. You love and caring is a precious gift to us both, dear.

    Much Love,
    Iris Richards.

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, do u try xxtra hard 2 hold on2 yr ignorance? the word "theatre," the way mom was using it ("pacific theatre") in the context of a war simply means the geographic area in which the war happened. how did u not get that from the links i gave u yesterday? does yr reading comprehension just, like, totally suck? or r u 2 lazy 2 even try v. hard?

    dc2, yeah, poor iris. :(


  • At 2:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    iris, u r totally rockin' the txt messaging! thanx 4 capturing that convo w/connie.

    as u mite know, i keep trying 2 get permission from mom 2 take a lil time away from school/work/everything else 2 visit @ the hospital, and she keeps on making xxcuses to not let me.

    i'm glad gramps has been enjoying my guitar over the fone. i've been practicing one of his fave tunes 4 2nite's call.


  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Why do they let your sister teach? She's a dumb as a stump, has no patience, no sense of humor and she's younger mentally than her students. That spells 'disaster' in my book. Maybe while she's waiting for Anthony to pull his head out of his rump, she can get a gig on the other side of the border. I understand there's a high school in the suburbs of Cleveland that's gonna be looking for an English teacher soon and from what I've seem of it and her, she'd fit right in.

  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, i have no idea y liz is allowed 2 teach. oh, w8, that's not true. witch of corbeil. it's totally gotta b witch of corbeil pulling strings 2 allow her 2 teach.

    i doubt liz cd find her way 2 cleveland. since their baseball team is the cleveland indians, she'd prolly book a flite 2 india and ask ppl how far cleveland is from the bombay airport.



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