April's Real Blog

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Taking Care of Iris?

Mom sez that as she an' Connie were leaving the hospital room, Iris was all, "Jim's resting again. He has 2 rest quite a bit now.... But he's getting better! He went 2 the washroom this morning. He needed a wheelchair and sum help, but he did quite well." Out in the corridor by the room, Iris was all, "U don't have 2 stay and watch yr father sleep, Elly. U must have other things 2 take care of." And Mom was like, "I do. I want 2 take care of U."

When Mom told me this, I was like, "Mom, when U talk abt 'taking care of' Iris, R U being like movie villains when they're all, 'Don't U worry, I'll take care of him,' but U know that they mean they're gonna kill the person?" Mom got a faraway look in her eyes 4 a mo, and then was all, "No, no of course not, don't B ridiculous!" Then she muttered, "Who'd care 4 Dad?"

Gah, it's only Wednesday, and boy has this week been the sukkorz, U know?


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  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    If she takes care of her as well as she took care of your emotional needs since, oh, say, Kortney threatened you, I can see two people you know heading up to the H-word place in fairly short order. I wouldn't put it past the more ghoulish members of your family and collection of pseudo-friends to take action on which Old passes on first.

  • At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Dawn said…

    Wow, this is kinda weird. My friends and I have been talking for awhile about how awful and selfish your mom has been regarding Jim and Iris, and how Iris is taking on waaaay too much work. And now, your mom is doing something about! It's almost as if she has camera in our house or is standing on the sidewalk outside my house, which is as far as the restraining order will allow!

  • At 12:28 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Mom as a movie villain. The ideas you come up with, formerly little sis. You need to think of mom from a more practical standpoint. If you decided you were going to put on a little show in front of Connie Poirier, who is in the medical profession, to show her that you are perhaps a better person than she is, would you offer to take care of Grandpa Jim (on his second stroke) or Iris (healthy as a horse, or at least an old, fat and ugly horse)?

    Obviously, you would pick Iris. She would be a lot easier. Admittedly, listening to her yammer on all the time would be a sacrifice, but you wouldn’t have to help her in the washroom, and that would make a big difference.

    Besides, as you suspect, I don’t think mom really meant actually taking care of Iris, like her living in your house and mom serving her every need; but more like helping her and Grandpa Jim move into the Sunset Manor. Cheeze. I might even do that, as long as the furniture had been cleaned before I picked it up.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well, that explains the phone message I got from your step grandmother Iris. It goes like this, “I need help!! Elly wants to take care of me!! Please, God, no! Anything but that!”

    Your mother has been taking care of you for years. Maybe you could call Iris and explain that it’s not that bad. This is assuming, of course, that it actually is not that bad. OK. Maybe you could call Iris and lie.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous nomorelnlyanthony said…


    You know, when Gordon tells one of the bigger mechanics to "take care" of something, it's generally advisable not to be the something in need of care.

    But Gordon does like to speak of things in a roundabout fashion that lends itself to a variety of interpretations, which is probably why he got along so well with my beloved Elizabeth.


  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dawn, funny u shd say that abt having a camera in yr house. ppl, including random strangers, say that 2 me all the time!

    and i'm glad i'm not the only 1 who c's mom "take care of" as sounding ominous. ppl, pls try and watch out 4 iris a lil xxtra these days. i'll do what i can, 2, tho it's hard when mom throws up obstacles, like totally on purpose 2 keep me away.


  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I'm fairly sure that your mother isn't deliberately gonna kill anyone. Considering what she's capable of as her oblivious self, there's no need for her to bat a brain cell to 'taker care' of Iris; all she has to do is feed her some of her nasty pudding and that's all she wrote.

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, man. @ least iris seems 2 have a healthy fear of mom's food. i will call her up and tell her she shd not waver on that!!!


  • At 1:43 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I wrote to you about this last night, but your blog ate my post, Mom came to me and asked me to have a talented student of mine make a greeting card for Irene, I asked her why, and Mom said something like getting a nice greeting card is the best way to "take care of someone" who is not actually a real Patterson or Richards, but only a fake one by second marriage, which doesn't count, because there were no children, then I asked Mom, "Won't it be weird in heaven with Grandma and Iris competing for Grandpa's attention?" and Mom said, "Your perverted Grandfather would probably like that, but no, because Iris is going to hell," and I said, "Why?" and she said that Irene's first husband is in hell because of all the Thai prostitutes he had sex with when he was in the Pacific Theater, and I said I didn't realize there were prostitutes in movie theaters, and Mom said, "No, in World War II," and I said that movie theaters must have changed a lot since then, and Mom kind of rolled her eyes and said that the point was that Irene is not going to be a problem in the hereafter, I was very relieved for Grandpa, who you know I make a point to think about occasionally.


  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    fyi, liz, our grandpa JIM is married 2 IRIS.

    and ::boggle:: on mom's thots abt iris and hell. that's sick.

    btw, when i got home from school 2day, anthony was loitering out in front of the tth. when i asked him what he was doing there, he got all like confused and sed he was lookin' 4 u. i reminded him that u have an apt, and he was, like, "oh, yeah." weird, eh?


  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Thanks for reminding Anthony, I haven't told him the exact location of my apartment yet though, I don't want him to come over and see how I am living in a basement with a cat all alone, it is too embarrassing, especially this time of year, there are a lot of spiders, but anyway, I let him meet me at a neutral location.

    Also I don't know why you think Mom is sick for what she said about Iris, or whatever her name is, Mom doesn't have anything against Iris, she just figures God will want her to be in Hell with her first husband and the father of her children, it's nothing about Iris being a bad person, in fact she is a great nurse and we are lucky to have her because she saves so much money, that is what Mom always says.


  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i dunno y mom thinx she is so sure she knows the 1st thing abt iris's 1st husband lived his life or where he ended up afterwards. it's not like she knew him or knew nething abt him. what she told u is like so totally bizarre.


  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm pretty sure the Good Witch told Mom about the Inurse's husband, she knows everything, and her and Mom are like best pals, also, I'm pretty sure the Good Witch is like God's right-hand woman or something, not God exactly, but something close to it, why would you call it "bizarre," it makes total sense to me, have you ever been down to the Megaplex 24, there are slutty looking women hanging out on the sidewalk all the time, probably a lot of them are prostitutes, so it wouldn't be so weird for Inurse's first husband to have sex with some of them if he spent the war hanging out at the movie theater like Mom said.


  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, it really is scary that u r allowed 2 teach. mom was referring 2 this, not to a movie theatre.

    btw, those girls u threw water @ and called ho's, by the movie theatre, were sum girls in grade 12 @ my school, and not hookers.


  • At 7:55 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I didn't know they could have a theater in the ocean, but then Anthony explained to me that they showed the soldiers who were on the boats movies on the boat, for entertainment, and then it all made sense to me, gosh, boys are so smart, what would we girls do without them?, anyway, he says that when the boys went into port, they went to the prostitutes, so the sluts weren't actually in the theater, just nearby, and I didn't throw anything at those hos by the theater until they started hitting on Anthony, they were shameless, when Anthony dropped me off at the curb and went to park his minivan, the girls started to hoot and holler, "Hey old man! Looking hawt in that van, old man!" and laughing, it was disgusting how they were throwing themselves at my boyfriend, so of course I had to throw my water at them, I wish it was acid or something like that.


  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, no, anthony's almost as full of wrong as u r. ok, read this.

    and those girls weren't hitting on anthony. they were mocking him!


  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    No, Anthony and I went to see a cartoon movie, not a war movie, also, you weren't there, you didn't hear how those sluts were yelling at him, it was a total come-on, and why not, he is a single man, of course they want to marry him, who wouldn't?



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