Horrible, macabre pun
Mom just got back from a morning walk w/Connie. Oh, rite, she calls this a "power walk." ::snort:: She thought sum brisk walking mite dull the effects of consuming like 4500 calories in one sitting @ our T-day dinner yesterday. LOL.
NEway, Mom sez that Connie asked her how Gramps is, and Mom told her that he's sitting up and able 2 eat, but that he hasn't sed NEthing yet. She told Connie that she doesn't know how long he'll B in the hospital, and that "we" mite hafta transfer him 2 a long-term care facility.
Connie was all, "Rn't there long w8ing lists?" And Mom told her, "Yes, but Iris put their names in @ Sunset Manor 2 yrs ago. [Convenient much?] They say there shd B a vacancy soon. Then Connie sed, "Ppl don't move out of those places, El." And then, get this. Mom cdn't resist going in for sum awful, awful wordplay. She pted up @ the sky and sed, "I know. They move up."
When she told me this, I was like, "Mom that's horrible. It's totally insensitive and in poor taste!" She sed, "U don't understand! Connie is my oldest friend, and I'm under a lot of stress. I was just blowing off sum steam by engaging in a little dark humour!" And I sed, "Now I understand Y Liz is the way she is." And Mom actually THANKED me! Can U believe that?
I think I mite need 2 go B sick just thinking abt my mom's "dark humour." Happy Thanksgiving 2 my fellow Canadian peeps, Happy Columbus Day 2 our neighbours down south in the States, and just plain ol' "good day" 2 every1 else!
Apes
NEway, Mom sez that Connie asked her how Gramps is, and Mom told her that he's sitting up and able 2 eat, but that he hasn't sed NEthing yet. She told Connie that she doesn't know how long he'll B in the hospital, and that "we" mite hafta transfer him 2 a long-term care facility.
Connie was all, "Rn't there long w8ing lists?" And Mom told her, "Yes, but Iris put their names in @ Sunset Manor 2 yrs ago. [Convenient much?] They say there shd B a vacancy soon. Then Connie sed, "Ppl don't move out of those places, El." And then, get this. Mom cdn't resist going in for sum awful, awful wordplay. She pted up @ the sky and sed, "I know. They move up."
When she told me this, I was like, "Mom that's horrible. It's totally insensitive and in poor taste!" She sed, "U don't understand! Connie is my oldest friend, and I'm under a lot of stress. I was just blowing off sum steam by engaging in a little dark humour!" And I sed, "Now I understand Y Liz is the way she is." And Mom actually THANKED me! Can U believe that?
I think I mite need 2 go B sick just thinking abt my mom's "dark humour." Happy Thanksgiving 2 my fellow Canadian peeps, Happy Columbus Day 2 our neighbours down south in the States, and just plain ol' "good day" 2 every1 else!
Apes
Labels: Connie, Gramps, Iris, Mom, Patterson food obsession, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 8:05 AM
9 Comments:
At 12:46 PM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
You do realize that no one else in your family will see anything wrong in your mother's burst of coldbloodedness. That's, of course, because they spout puns at the worst times becuase the feel themselves above the bourgeois, retrograde concept 'good taste'.
At 1:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I think you do not have an appreciation for the long waiting lists required at places like Sunset Manor. The fact that Iris made reservations 2 years ago, which was a full year before Grandpa Jim had a stroke, shows the levels to which this problem has reached. We live in a time where very few people die. In fact, our good friends over at Gasoline Alley have been waiting for Walt Wallet to die for what seems like decades now. It takes an unusual place to be able to realize the situation and resort to catapults to make vacancies as mom has suggested to Connie Poirier. By the way, I understand it is not a good idea to be outside on Tuesday and Friday afternoons near Sunset Manor, in case you go over to visit.
It is probably not in good taste to talk about these things as mom as done, like your catfish friend has suggested. I have had fried catfish before and it can be quite tasty; so I am sure the catfish knows about the subject of taste.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u r being painfully literally again. catapults = "moving up"? no, this was a reference 2 dying and going up 2 heaven. "good taste" = tasting good? more no. this was a reference 2 having actual good manners.
apes
At 3:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I do not understand something, why do Iris and Jim have to move from the Seniors Living Palace into a mere manor, I thought the Palace was supposed to have help when you get to the point you're just a drooling vegetable, was that just a lie, also, when Mom came home from her walk, she was singing the song "Movin' On Up" from The Jeffersons, except it had different words:
Movin' on up
To the sky
The "deluxe rest home" is nigh
Oh, Dad's movin' on up
To the sky
On his way to heaven, oh my
I got all excited and asked her if Grandpa Whatever was dead, but she said no, but it was a good sign he was going to a special rest home, because nobody gets out alive from there, which sounded good to me but Mom seemed sad, and I asked her "What about that Irene lady who lives with Grandpa?" and Mom said, "If she moves to the rest home with Dad, she'll have to die too--I just hope she goes AFTER him! She's such a good nurse!" and I said, "Well, she's old too, so who cares," and I asked Mom if she thought we would stop talking about Grandpa after he moves, and she said she thought maybe, because "those places" are too depressing to visit, and I was psyched to hear that, I might still get married this year!
As for my cuddle session with Anthony, it's not your business, but I will say that going through a lot of trauma has not really made Anthony's muscles all strong and hard, no matter what he says, when I leaned against him, it was like flabby mush, but I lied and said he felt really good, I need to get a engagement ring before Christmas!!!
Liz
At 4:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Are you suggesting that our mother actually made a religious reference to Heaven in a conversation she had with Connie Poirier? Surely not. I believe “catapults” is correct. I have been to the Sunset Manor before, back when I was working for Portrait Magazine and we did a portrait of “Old People and Why No One Wants to be Around Them” There were lots of signs for catapults or their Quebecoise equivalent “trebuchet” in the area. Some people tried to tell me that they were showing a steep incline, but I knew better. Michael Patterson knows all about catapults.
As for good taste = good manners, I don’t know of any catfish who have good manners, but I do know some catfish who have tasted good.
The only one in our family who seems to have some common sense right now is the Lizardbreath. Anyone who can stand snuggling up to Anthony Caine deserves an engagement ring. I only hope Anthony isn’t waiting until Grandpa Jim dies, so he can propose to Liz at the wake, the funeral, or the scattering of the ashes. Unfortunately, his sense of romance is such that he may be waiting for such an occasion. If so, let’s hope Grandpa Jim dies soon. Elizabeth needs to get married before she drives us all crazy.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, poor gramps, it's like iris an' i r the only ppl left who care abt him.
liz, i think i saw a memo from the johnston institute saying that u won't have a wedding b4 next yr.
apes
At 5:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u "know better"? not only r u made of wrong, but u stubbornly cling 2 yr wrongness.
and dreadedcandiru2 is NOT really a fish, u dolt. he's a human using that as a username. but i already told u that, and u ignored it, since u r so determined 2 cling 2 that wrongness.
the only things u r rite abt: that it'll b a gd thing 2 get liz married off. and that anthony stinx @ romance.
apes
At 7:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. First you say I am made of wrong. Then you tell 2 things about which I am right. Usually a good proof of a point works the opposite way. However, I am not one to crow an “I told you so.” I will simply hope that on the days you go to visit Grandpa Jim and Iris at Sunset Manor, it will not be catapult day or if it is catapult day, you will be good at dodging old people being moved up out of the place. I plan to carry a good, sturdy umbrella on those days.
As for your friend, the dreadedcandiru2, I would still question whether or not there is any significant difference between a human using the name of a fish as a username, or a person who thinks they are a fish. I certainly can’t tell the difference, and I’ve had catfish before.
This discussion is making me hungry. Is mom serving up any bacon-macaroni-cheddar-greenbean-catfish casserole? I might need to come by and share some refrigerator-eating space with you. Deanna is trying your ginger-sesame tofu-veggie stirfry recipe, and the thought of seeing it again is turning my stomach.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
there r no catapults, u ninny. u r made of wrong most of the time. there r times when u accidentally say sumthing that's rite.
yeah, u're welcome 2 mom's gross casserole, but there's no catfish in it. just bacon, macaroni, cheddar an' greenbean. help yrself, i'll b over 2 have sum of that actual GOOD food dee's cooked. if she did the recipe rite. hm, i mite just hafta cook 4 myself. again.
apes
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