April's Real Blog

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Trying 2 smile

Mom got Connie 2 go 2 the hospital w/her. "I can't do this alone, Con," was what she'd sed, and Connie had been all, "What abt John?" And Mom pretended like she hadn't heard.

So, like, in Grandpa Jim's hospital room, Mom was all, "Dad? ...It's Elly." And Iris was like, "He sees U, dear. He knows who U R." Then Mom was all, "Do U remember my friend Connie? She's my neighbour." And Connie told him, "I live next door 2 Elly's old house." Mom sed, "I brought U sum homemade pudding." And Iris replied, "I'll give it 2 U l8r, dear." Then she leaned in toward Gramps and sed, "I know he appereci8s all the attention.... Don't U, Jim. He's trying 2 smile, C? He's trying 2 smile." And mom sez that she found herself thinking, "So am I."

BTW, Mike, I thot it was pretty hilarious when U came by the house in search of casserole 'overs, and U were all, "Mom, I hope U're careful when U visit Gramps @ that longterm-care facility." And Mom was like, "Careful of what?" And U went, "The catapults." And Mom asked U what on Earth U were on about, and U did yr explanation of catapults and "moving up." And it was like:

Mom: Oh my God, U really R painfully literal, Rn't U?

Mike: Not painfully.

Mom: I was referring 2 HEAVEN, Mike.

Mike: But U're not religious, Mom.

Mom: Just b-cuz I don't go 2 church more than once every 5-7 yrs doesn't mean I don't believe in the afterlife. Don't U remember what I told U abt when yr Grandma Marian was on her deathbed, and I asked her 2 watch over us when she was in Heaven? And she agreed? And I had this thot that she always keeps her promises? Does THAT sound like sum1 who doesn't believe in Heaven?

Mike: I'm changing the subject now b-cuz I don't like 2 be wrong.

Mom: OK, I can respect that. Take sum of that casserole w/U.

Mike: Nah, I'll just stand in front of the fridge and eat some w/my hands, rite out of the dish.

Mom: Atta boy.

Me: Ew.

That was all pretty funny. But Gramps in the hospital, that's sad. I wish he cd get all better again.


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  • At 8:49 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Oh, dear. I hope you're right about Jim getting better but my gut tells me that you'd better get ready for the worst. Even if his body manages to survive a few more years, the man you knew might be gone. Liz might use that as an excuse for steamrolling you into letting her wriggle off the hook about the harmonica, so watch out for that, too.

  • At 1:30 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Interesting transcript you had of my conversation with mom and her supposed quotation of one of her final conversations with Grandma Marian. You may have many of your readers fooled that is exactly how it happened. However, I found in mom’s old photo albums that conversation, and did you know that even then, mom did not actually say the word, “Heaven.” Grandma Marian filled it in for her. I will have to tell your readers how it really happened:

    Mom: Oh my, you really are painfully literal, aren't you?

    Me: Not painfully. Always in service of a good joke or pun.

    Mom: Of course. I was referring to that place that’s up there, Mike. {points middle finger up}

    April: It’s called Heaven, mom.

    Mom: April. I know what it’s called.

    Mike: But you're not religious, Mom.

    Mom: Just because I don't go to church more than once every 5-7 years doesn't mean I don't believe in the afterlife. Don't you remember what I told you about when your Grandma Marian was on her deathbed, and I asked her to watch over the children for me, when she was in…that place? {points middle finger up}

    April: It’s name is Heaven, mom.

    Mom: Hush, April! Mike knows what the word is. Do you remember how Grandma Marian promised she would? And I had this thought that she always keeps her promises? Does THAT sound like someone who doesn't believe in…that place?

    April: It’s called Heaven, mom. H-E-A-V-E-N!!

    Mom: April. I know how to spell it.

    Mike: I'm changing the subject now because April has started spitting on my food.

    Mom: OK, I can respect that. Take some of that casserole with you.

    Mike: No. That would give Deanna a clue where I have been. I'll just stand in front of the fridge and eat some with my hands, right out of the dish, where your kind, motherly hands placed it.

    Mom: That’s my son. You should follow his example and stop using that fork and knife, April. And scoot over a little to give Mike some space.

    April: Ew. I hate eating like this.

    So, April’s Real Blog readers, that’s what really happened,

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i did NOT spit in mike's food, and i wasn't eating NE of that slop. i wasn't @ the fridge, so there was no scooting over. i made my own food (kitchiri), which i ate with a fork, while sitting @ the table. like a normal, civilized person.

    i dunno y mike wants 2 pertuate the myth that i eat that slop mom makes, let alone that i'd eat it standing in front of the fridge like a caveman.

    and just cuz grandma marian interrupted b4 mom had a chance to say the word "heaven" doesn't mean she'd NEVER say it. jeez.


  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am not sure what you and your brother are going on about. I did manage to get in a visit to your Grandpa Jim and I thought I would let you know how it went.

    I got there and I saw your grandpa with an oxygen mask over his face and an IV in his arm. Iris was there, scooping what appeared to be fried pudding into the trash can. I said to Iris, “What’s that?” She said, “Oh, Coward. It’s some homemade pudding. Possibly the worst thing Jim could eat right now.” I said, “Well it looks horrible, so I’ll turn my back until you are done.”

    When she was done, I asked her how your grandpa was. He looked like he was pretty out of it. Iris said, “He sees you, dear. He knows who you are." I said, “Iris. His eyes are closed and I can hear him snoring through the mask.” Iris said, “No, dear. I know he appreciates all the attention.... Don't you, Jim. He's trying to smile, see? He's trying to smile." I said, “Why is your hand wiggling around his armpit? Let the man rest.” Iris said, “There, dear. Now that was a smile. Look how happy Jim is.”

    It was sort of freaking me out, so to change the subject I said, “I understand from April that you put yours and Jim’s names in 2 years ago for the Sunset Manor long-term care facility.” Iris said, “Coward, dear. April is a dear, girl. I wish she would visit. But that’s not the way long-term care facilities work. 2 years ago, Jim and I were in good health. The government sets eligibility criteria for services provided by Community Care Access Centres (CCAC), and Jim and I would not have qualified 2 years ago. That was before Jim had his stroke. Besides 2 years on a waiting list would be ridiculous. There’s no one at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace who has had to wait that long. Besides that, there is no one at the Sunset Manor who can take care of Jim as well as I have. See, Jim smiled when I said that.” I said to Iris, “How long has it been since you slept?” Iris said, “Not since the stroke. I have to make sure Jim is properly cared for.”

    I told Iris she need to get some rest, like Jim was doing. He doesn’t look bad for a guy who has an oxygen mask on, and an IV in his arm. I figure Iris will pass out eventually, and then she will get rest one way or another.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the upd8, howard. everytime i try 2 go visit gramps, mom gives me new chores 2 do or makes me work @ the bookstore. :(


  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think anyone who has had the privilege of watching you eat before, can attest to fact that you sometimes have difficulty keeping everything in your mouth, particularly while you are talking and eating at the same time. Some people may call it “spitting.” Some people may call it “talking with your mouth full.” Some people may call it “Stand back! Take cover! April is eating!” It is nothing to be ashamed of. Mom and Dad both have the same trait and have lived happy and healthy lives where people don’t want to watch them eat or be near them while they are eating.

    As for myth perpetuation, I am not sure why you want to perpetuate the myth that you don’t eat mom’s cooking. Everyone has seen you do it.

    As for cavemen, my understanding is that they did not have refrigerators. I think they called them iceboxes in the cavemen days.

    As for the H word for mom, I think you will be hard-pressed to find a time when mom will say it. Mom and Grandma Marian had some issues when it came to religion.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    The really sad part is, of course, when (not if) Jim goes to the H-word place to hang out with Marian and the A-word people (not to mention the Alighty G-word), it ain't-a gonna be too long before Iris joins him and they have a really awkward conversation. That's because her sole purpose in life is (ineptly) caring for Grandpa. When she no longer has that, she'll fade real fast outta grief. As for your Mom and the H-word-up-there, she needn't worry, not how she's acting. Her behavior is a ticket to go to another H-place, this one filled with fire and brimstone.

  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i didn't say i've NEVER eaten mom's cooking. but i have stopped doing so. i've made a conscious decision 2 stop. i've also made a conscious decision 2 eat in a neater, non-patterson way.

    dreadedcandiru2, i meant 2 answer u b4, but i got distracted my mike's libelous st8ments abt me. i know that things don't look gd 4 gramps. i'm hoping 4 the best, but i know we hafta b prepared 4 the worst.


  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, that's more than most of your family is doing right now. Most of them seem too preoccupied with irrelevances like stuffing their faces, preening about how smart they are or marrying clammy little wusses to care about what's really important.


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