April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Changing/Not Changing

Liz told me sum more abt when Candace visited her recently. While washing dishes, Liz told Candace, "My brother kept me informed abt Anthony. Even tho we'd stopped seeing ea other, we were still friends." Yeah, and one sure sign of friendship is when one of the friends needs her brother 2 keep her "informed" abt the other friend. Liz continued w/"Anthony and Thérèse were happy 4 a while ...But she wanted 2 change him." Liz took a moment 2 imagine Anthony wearing sum boxer shorts in a garish design and a t-shirt while peeling a banana, with Thérèse looking @ him and thinking "He looks like a fool 2day." I doubt Mike wd have been able 2 "inform" Liz abt this, esp. since she was imagining a pre-mustache Anthony in this little drama, which means a pre-engaged Anthony. Liz never heard abt Thérèse until after Anthony had grown a mustache and gotten engaged. Liz went on w/"She criticized the way he dressed, the way he ate[,] and made him grow a mustache, so he wdn't look like a kid!" Girl, please! When Anthony first grew that mustache, it was all, "Anthony, U grew a mustache!" Like it was a good thing that made him dashing. Now we're getting this version of events cuz most ppl h8ed the stoopid 'stache. Oh, so after this lil bit of her tale of Anthony-woe, she described Anthony @ a restaurant w/Thérèse, about 2 bite in2 a huge sandwich, w/Thérèse interrupting him, all, "Honey, U shd cut that in half!!" Ah, I guess he shd have aligned himself w/a sloppy eater like Liz, eh? Cuz sloppy eating = casual and not putting on airs?

NEway, Liz then sed, "But... U can't change ppl!" And Candace was all, "NO KIDDING! Every time my mom tried 2 change me, I got another piercing--then I got a tattoo! I was intense back then, Liz." And Liz told her, "I know. ....And U haven't changed!" I don't think that's what Candace was going 4, Liz.

So, if this version of events we're getting with Anthony and Thérèse is true, things went bad when they were still dating, and yet they still got engaged. And then things got worse, but they still got married. This makes no sense--unless every1 4gets when the 'stache happened and believe Ant was still stacheless when he and T. married.


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  • At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Lyric Unterjohnston said…

    Liz, isn't it a pain to have such a picky-face sister? All these questions, all these picky, picky comments.

    That conversation you had with your friend Candace reminds me of an almost-identical conversation I had with my friend Eunice. Except instead of talking about getting tattoos and piercings whenever her mother tried to change her, she asked me, "Didn't Antonio try to change Marie-Huguette? He married her knowing she was a driven career woman who didn't want to have children into his image of a stay-at-home mother. And when she agreed to have a child based on the premise that Antonio would be the stay-at-home parent, he vilified her for that."

    I said, "'Vilified'! Such fancy-pants language from a picky face who's almost as picky as my picky, picky sister!" Why can't people just leave us alone and let us be happy, Liz?

    Lyric Unterjohnston

  • At 11:40 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, lyric, u and my sis totally hafta hang out 2gether.


  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't know what the heck you are talking about, trying to make me make friends with someone totally new, don't you know that the only friends that matter in life are those you make before age 22, so there is no point in me meeting new ones, anyway, as you have heard, Anthony complained to me that Therese did not want him to eat or dress like a pig, that is so irrational don't you think, that is what normal people do all their lives, just look at Mom for example, now some will tell you that "normal" people acquire table manners and a slightly fancier wardrobe as they get older but every Patterson knows that is just putting on airs, a real "down home" honest person doesn't care what he or she looks like or what they eat or how they eat it, true beauty is on the inside, your crumb-and-stain covered t-shirt and Jams don't matter.


  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous DE said…

    But Liz! Your mom is always asking your dad to change clothes. I remember one time when we were kids, he was dressed really badly in these ugly plaid pants, and a different plaid shirt, and your mom freaked out! Even though your dad was just going into the yard to fix a fence, your mom was sooo pissed!

  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. What a damning piece of information you have quoted Elizabeth saying to her friend Candace about me. When my lovely wife Deanna saw it, she was a little perturbed at me. She said, “Michael, dear. In 2001, when Anthony Caine started dating Thérèse, that was also the same time when we were getting ready to be married for the second time. Isn’t that correct, dear?” I said I believed that September, 2001 was indeed the anniversary of our fake wedding. Then my wife continued, “And while my mother was driving me crazy with all her wedding ceremony preparation, am I to understand that you were keeping in touch with Anthony Caine at university in London for the sake of your sister, Elizabeth, who was also up in Nipissing University at the same time? While I was fighting my mother tooth-and-nail for months and months about wedding this and that, you were spending your time finding information out about a man who was your sister’s ex-boyfriend in high school?” My wife’s face had turned a beautiful shade of red at this point, and I complimented on how the colour went well with her pink and maroon outfit.

    I said to my reddish wife, “Dear Deanna. The story is quite a bit simpler than that. Anthony Caine was in university but he was also working for Gordon Mayes. Gordon was my friend in high school, even if Anthony was not. We were living in Toronto at the time, but I still would take our car to Gordon's Garage for its annual checkup or for winterization. The discounts we got at Gordon’s, thanks to dad’s investment in his business, couldn’t be passed up. And if I was there, it was a simple matter to make a discrete inquiry to Gordon or Tracey Mayes or Anthony himself. Those little trips to Gordon’s Garage didn’t take away a thing from helping you in our wedding preparation.” Deanna had to agree about that, and she knows full well about the substantial discounts Gordon gives us.

    I think the part which may be confusing you is that December of 2001, when Deanna and I took Elizabeth to Gordon’s Garage specifically to get Elizabeth together with Anthony Caine. Elizabeth was quite surprised Anthony had a moustache as she called it back then. She calls it a mustache now, for some reason I don’t quite understand. Elizabeth was also surprised to find Anthony had been engaged for 3 weeks. Of course, since Anthony worked for Gordon, and Gordon tells us everything, we knew all this in advance. Mom’s idea was that we would put together Liz and Anthony and hopefully the news of the engagement would cause them to discover “the truth” that they were in love with each other, and stop all this nonsense, and get engaged to each other. Liz was supposed to end things with her cheating university boyfriend and Anthony was supposed to break his engagement to that Quebecoise woman. It’s been over 5 years since then, and the fact Liz and Anthony are still not together, shows just how difficult it is to get those two nincompoops to learn “the truth.”

    As for all those little details about the Quebecoise woman’s relationship with Anthony before they got engaged, I simply told them to Elizabeth afterwards. I think it was when she was wielding that frying pan and saying, “Anthony told me he’s engaged. She better not be better than I am.” Fortunately she was not; except maybe in the way she dressed, ate food in public, had her hair fixed, made friends with people, kept up her figure, was talented musically, or could speak intelligently during dinner conversations.

    As for how I got all those details. Well, I would be at the garage for a car checkup. When Anthony was there, he would talk about how the Quebecoise woman would tell him how to dress, and how to eat, and even the things he thought she was thinking about him; and he would say, “Is this normal behaviour for a woman?” Gordon would say, “Heavens no. It’s terrible behaviour. I dress like this (he pointed to his nasty, old suit that smells like dirty socks and his poorly-tied tie), and my wife Tracey never complains. She just says, ‘You keep bringing in that money, Gordon, and you can dress anyway you like.’” Then Gordon would add, “You know, Liz would never complain about how your dress or eat. Next to Mike’s mom, she’s the worst-dressed and sloppiest-eating woman I know, no offence, Mike.” I would say, “None taken. My soon-to-be wife Deanna, never complains about how I eat or dress; but you can look at me and see those kinds of complaints would be foolish.” Then dad would walk in and talk about how mom jumped all over him for folding something the wrong way, or loaded a dishwasher wrong. He would mess the whole thing up. Anthony would say, “Well, if Elly Patterson does it, it must not be too bad.” If it weren’t for dad walking in at the wrong times, sometimes, I am sure Anthony would have never proposed to that Quebecoise woman.

    I hope that explains for you, where you can understand it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:06 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Well, if you think about it, Mom can complain about whatever she wants, she is in a class by herself, as a landmark builder and the woman who put the "grand" in grandma, but other people should be content to be slobs or dress badly and not try to change their husbands when they do that, or that makes them shrews, especially if they are of Quebecoise origin, the rules are easy if you remember that Pattersons are allowed to do things one way but non-Pattersons have a totally different set of rules to live by.


  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    geez, liz, this lyric chick's obvs just like u, silly me 2 think u'd get along w/her. figs u'd find a way 2 act like i did sumthing wrong. typical u.

    well, i doubt i'll ever come back 2 mboro, so i guess all this "how 2 b a patterson" stuff doesn't really matter.

    oh, speaking of which, liz, when u marry anthony and b-come "elizabeth caine," do u suppose mom will stop thinking of u as a patterson? do u think she'll b, like, thinking "2nd-rate patterson; 3rd-rate richards"? mike, what do u think?


    p.s. dawn, i saw pix of dad in that outfit u described. it was really bad!

  • At 8:03 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I had something most distressing happen just before Mr. Caine left for his usual evening date with your sister. He came out of his bedroom prepared to leave the house wearing clothing with a combination of colours and designs which would have made Jackson Pollack go blind, that is if he wasn’t dead. My baby-sitter instincts immediately took over and I covered little Françoise’s eyes. I said, “Mr. Caine. Not in front of a child.”

    Mr. Caine actually seemed proud of his combination of clothes. He said, “You don’t think I look like a fool, do you?” I said, “Mr. Caine, it would unbecoming of me to speak ill of an employer, but I feel I must warn you, if you wear that outfit in public, people will try to track you down and kill you.” Mr. Caine dismissed my statement. He said, “I think what really makes this outfit is the giant stain on my stomach from where I picked up a huge sandwich with both hands and half the sandwich dropped on me.” I asked, “Please tell me that smell isn’t coming from you.”

    About this time, little Françoise couldn’t stand not seeing the outfit any longer, and managed to wriggle away from me. She took one look at what her Pater was wearing and started crying, “Mommy wouldn’t like those clothes. They make my eyes hurt.” Then Mr. Caine said, “Yes, mommy wouldn’t like those clothes and that’s why I am going out with Elizabeth, so she can be your new mommy. She will be the perfect mother. She will never criticize the way you dress or the way you eat. Liz won’t try to change one thing about you. She loves you just the way you are, because she knows you can’t change people. She is going to be a much better mommy than the old one, and I get to finally wear my favourite outfits out with a woman and no one will stop me.”

    I said, “Mr. Caine. I am serious about what I said.” Mr. Caine said, “Honoria. I had a wife once who cared about the way I looked and how I acted. I don’t need a baby-sitter who acts like a wife. Soon, I will have Elizabeth who won’t care the least bit about those things or anything else about me, and I won’t need a baby-sitter anymore.” Then he left to go out on his date.

    He was back a few minutes later. Some old lady pepper sprayed him and beat him with her umbrella. The next time he went out, he looked a little bit less garish.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think I am up to telling you a little more about my supper with Beatrice Alfarero. When we sat down for dinner at the restaurant, Beatrice said to me, “You know, Howard. After we stopped seeing each other I considered us to still be friends, and I convinced my brother in Toronto kept me informed about what you were doing.” I said, “What are you talking about? You broke up with me in a public place. You didn’t return my calls. Your brother in Toronto was anywhere near where I was living.” Beatrice said, “Oh, all right. After my husband died, I called up some of our old friends and they told me what you were up to.” I said, “Why did you feel the need to lie like that?”

    Beatrice said, “I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression of me.” I said, “You told me a man who wears dresses and wigs and sings opera looks like a fool. When we went to eat dinner, you would try to cut my steak for me. You wanted me to grow a moustache so I wouldn’t look like a woman. I think the message was pretty clear.” Beatrice said, “I know. I know. I should have realized you can’t change people.” I said, “Of course you can change people. What idiot told you that? Who have you been talking to?” Beatrice said, “Howard. I wanted this dinner go a little bit more smoothly than this.” I said, “Just because you say something and hope to get a certain response, doesn’t mean you can’t adjust when you get a different response than you expected.” Beatrice said, “Oh Howard. You’re just the same as I remember you.”

    I would continue on, but I am starting to feel emotional again. Perhaps more tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, honoria, i'll bet what happed was that mae thomas, that crazy old chick who lives in my gramps and iris's bldg, mistook anthony 4 a teenager and sprayed him. yeah, it soundz like liz and anthony r pretty well suited 4 ea other. but u r rite, sum1 hasta look out 4 francie!

    howard, yr past w/beatrice sure is colourful! and ita w/u that “just because you say something and hope to get a certain response, doesn’t mean you can’t adjust when you get a different response than you expected.”



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