April's Real Blog

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Dad and Door-Deafness

So, yeah, more on the endless Mike-storying @ the Country Kitchen annex of Mayes Midtown Motors and Vomitorium (Howard, I know U think the Empire Hotel needs a vomitorium, but that's a separate issue). Mike sed Dad having just left reminded him of a "brilliant story." Liz sed, "Hey, when do I get 2 tell another one?" Mike sed, "All in good time, slightly older little sis. Watch and learn."

Three thot bubbles. Mike, holding his teddy, standing in a corridor w/awful floral wallpaper I have never, ever seen B4. 1st thot bubble had him rattling @ a door and speech-bubbling, "U havin' a bath, Dad? Whatcha doin? Can I come in? DAD! HUH?" 2nd thot bubble was Mike knocking on the door and speech-bubbling, "I KNOW youre in there! Dad... Dad? DADDY!!" Last bubble showed Mike thot-bubbling, "Howcome grownups can't hear NEthing thru that door..."

Then Mike shook his head and sed, "Weird thing. When I'm in the washroom, I can hear my children as clear as day. But my lovely Deanna? She can't hear a thing when she's in there."

I sed, "Yeah, that's all very fascinating, but can't we wrap this up?" Mike sed, "Silly girl. U know we will probably have @ least two more stories, AT LEAST." Anthony was all, "Oh, GOODY!" I gestured @ the waitress cuz I totally needed more coffee @ this pt.

Jeremy, thanx 4 sharing yr poem in the comments last nite. It was so cube! I had so much fun @ the open-mic poetry slam. This was mine:

I have LIFE! I have my FRIENDS!
I'm gonna B a VET
But all I get
2 talk abt is my BROTHER'S
pasttime FANTASIES
Of imaginary gr8ness
Tired of being punished 4 my l8ness
In this fam, I wanna burst free
an' talk abt ME
That doesn't make me a MARTIAN, DAD
It doesn't make me a PRINCESS
OMG, U'd think I were
Riding around robbin' banks
All hopped up on scooby snacks
The way these ppl treat me
But they won't defeat me
I'm gonna leave this town, this sick fantasy
Place in sum 60-yr-old woman's
Ill imagination I'll B gone
And I'll Be happy
Jeremy, catch me!

After that last line, I leapt off of the stage, and fortunately, Jeremy caught me in his arms and we didn't fall over or NEthing.


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  • At 8:36 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I'd sympathize with John's desire not to have to interact with Mike a lot more if that didn't happen to be what turned him into a jerk. Since your brother never twigged to the fact that John may have heard him bellowing and chosen not to respond, this makes his claims of genius even less credible.

  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, omg, ur bro’s stories ‘bout ur dad r like givin’ me majour flashbacks again. i remembah 1 tyme i wuz out w/my dad during 1 of those mandatory visits & he went n2 the washroom & didn’t answer wen i called. he ended up in hospital that nite aftah havin’ his stomach pumped. did ur dad evah hafta have his stomach pumped? u know i usedta think ur dad wuz so much bettah than my dad, but aftah listening 2 ur bro’s stories, i am not so sure nemore. i mean, he didn’t move out & start livin’ w/anothah woman or nethin’, but wow!

    i luvved ur poem last nite & i wuz glad i wuz sittin’ close 2 the stage wen u did the jumpin’ bit. i wuz also rilly glad u don’t weigh v. much. i learned sumthin’ new ‘bout u (that bit how u like it wen a guy picks u up, physically i mean & not the othah way). i know u don’t like 2 talk ‘bout ex-bfs, but i rilly can’t b-lieve in all the tyme u were d8in’ gerald, he never picked u up. it’s seems kinda crayzee wen u think ‘bout how much u like it.

    the only part which wuz kinda mbarrassin’ last nite wuz wen i got home my mom asked my why i had pink lipstick stains on parts of my shirt which were not newhere near my collar. i xxplained how i hadda catch u @the end of ur poem, & she sed her usual thing ‘bout how i always end up in hospital aftah i spend tyme w/u. i guess she thinks u must weigh more than u do. ‘course she asked me if u like 2 do the patterson butt lift or if u prefer ballet moves like ur sis. i wuz gonna tell her it wuzn’t ne of her bizness, but then i sed, “april duzn’t do thingz like the rest of her fam.” that wuz prolly the wrong thing 2 say 2 mom, cuz then she asked me a lotta questionz & i wished i coulda gone n2 a washroom 2 hide, like ur dad did.

    neway, i’ll cu @history 4 the test & c how much i know aftah studyin’ w/u yestahday.

  • At 12:33 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I suppose I should tell the part of the story which explains why I, as a young lad of 5 (or 6), would have any expectation of coming in the bathroom to see my father taking a bath. Just 10 days ago, my slightly older, little sis, Elizabeth told the story about how (due to my smart and inquisitive nature) I scalded dad in the shower by turning on all the cold water in the house. After that time, whenever dad was going to take a bath (and not a shower), he felt he should warn me that if I heard water running in bathroom and thought he was taking a shower, and decided I was going to scald him again, that he was actually taking a bath and not a shower, so it would be no use for me to go and turn on all the cold water in the house. He even demonstrated this for me one time, showing how he turned on the water for a bath, and how much it sounded the same as running the water for a shower. I thought he was trying to fool me, as he sometimes tried to do, so I stayed to make sure he was really taking a bath and not a shower. And he did really take a bath and not a shower. After that, every time he headed the bathroom, I thought I needed to reverify his bath and not shower-taking. But then dad started locking the door and not answering back, so I had to trust him that he was really taking a bath and not a shower. But just to make sure, I turned on all the cold water in the house to see if I could hear dad screaming, and he didn’t scream, so I know he was taking a bath and not a shower, even though the door was locked and he wasn’t answering. The only thing which was confusing about the matter was the odd odour in the bathroom after dad finished his bath. Dad said this was because baths smell different than showers. So you see, formerly little sis, the explanation is really quite simple.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Yes. Vomitorium. Sanitarium. Those would be good for anyone experiencing the cooking of Anne Nichols at the Empire Hotel. Whenever I drive by the place, I tell my girls, María and Ana, if they eat there, they should be prepared to spend the next several hours in the washroom, unable to speak. Of course, my wife, Beatrice has to say the food there is not that bad and I am exaggerating.

    Speaking of unable to speak (so to speak), as you know, Portrait Magazine is doing a feature on “The New Faces of Canadian Literature” which unfortunately has a section talking about your brother, because of how well his book is doing. We did actually get some very interesting footage of a local Toronto book club, who agreed to read your brother’s book Stone Season for the first time in one sitting and then talk about it, so we could use the comments they made as a video segment for our magazine’s website (http://www.portrait.ca/) (And yes, the magazine did not have a website when your brother worked there. One of my pet projects as his replacement.) After they finished the book, literally the members of the book club were struck speechless. I can’t tell if it is “speechless with alarm” or “speechless with shock”; however, your brother’s publishers Reiner and Browne are interpreting it as “speechless with joy.” I have my doubts about that interpretation, considering how some of the book club members started vomiting (and they had not even eaten at the Empire Hotel). Take a look if you’re interested. The part where the book club members start setting their copies of Stone Season on fire in dead silence is particularly riveting I think. I don’t know if I have ever seen such, shall we say, "strong emotions" for a piece of literature before.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i think i did well on that history test, how 'bout u? i did really enjoy b-ing lifted up. tho i guess sumthing abt the way i kinda wrapped my whole self around u made sum ppl b all, "get a room, u 2!" that was a lil embarrassing, but sorta worth it, 2. i'm glad i don't weigh enuf 2 put u in hospital by leaping on2 u like i did!

    dc2, yeah, sum of these old stories really do xxplain a lot.

    mike, i do not want 2 think abt dad-odours. ew.

    howard, omg, those poor book-club peeps. ::crossing fingers abt book not b-coming a best seller so i don't hafta read it::


  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, that “get a room, u2” wuz just that old lady w/the pepper spray. there wuz a lotta othah peeps who were kinda like going, “ouch! thass gotta hurt!” or “get ready 2 catch me aftah my poem, harold.” or “how duz her hair stay up in a hair clip aftah that leap?” or “wut r all these happy, romance poems doin’ @a poetry slam? i wunt angst, dammit!” or “hoo!”

    i think i did ok on the histry test. i’ll prolly pass it, thanx 2u helpin’ me study. i know i don’t wanna hafta take it again, thass 4 sure. if i remembah rite, i’m supposed 2 meet u @lilliput’s & walk u home & then we’re gonna study @ur place cuz ur mom & dad r out lookin’ @new washroom door fixtures? don’t 4get maple leafs-bruins @7, eh?

    just so u know, eva haz rilly been buggin’ me ‘bout the duncan thing, cuz i made the mistake of sayin’ he wuz back in barbados, eh? if she callz ur place, lookin’ 4 me, i am not there. i don’t wanna get in sum gazillion-hour convo w/eva ‘bout duncan. i wud rather watch maple leafs-bruins w/u.

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I don’t know that reading your brother’s book will have the same effect on you that it did those members of the Book Club. After all, you have been exposed to your brother your entire life, and I would have to think you have developed some sort of immunity. For example, I know that if I were trapped in a long conversation with your sister recalling stories about your brother, when he was talking about things your father did in a washroom when your brother was 5 (or 6); I think I would be very close to slashing my wrists, or breaking a bottle over head to induce unconsciousness. Only the most seriously deranged and unstable people would be able to listen to such things and swear that they liked them.

    As for your brother’s book becoming a best-seller, it may already be, depending on which best-seller list you check. I think it is fairly safe to say that in the Milborough area, it is the top-selling book of the last decade, possibly from sales out of Lilliput’s alone. Beatrice says that after they got that huge shipment your mother ordered for them, they have been doing whatever they can to push those things out the door, even paying people to take them. Beatrice says sometimes people come back and give back the book and the money. Of course, since you work Lilliput’s part-time, you have probably seen things like that too.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy an' i r studying 2gether. jeremy has his fone turned off in case eva calls him.

    howard, mayb i have a loophole. like by "best seller" i mean "it hasta b on the new york times best-seller list."

    now that u mention it, i do c the kind of thing u described as happening @ lilliput's. but u know, i think when ppl r paid 2 take the boox, the boox can't really b count as "sold." oh, and ppl have returned their free-coffee coupons that the store has also been giving out w/the boox an' money. the coupons include "xxclusive chats w/the mother (and editor) of milborough-renowned author michael patterson, elly patterson."


  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger howard said…


    If New York Times Bestseller is your criterion, I don't think your brother will make it. Canadian authors don't make that list very often.

    I know you don't count sales as people in Lilliput's being paid to take your brother's book, but as far as your brother's publisher is concerned that's a sale, because Lilliput's has already paid for it. Beatrice is worried that the book is going to put Lilliput's out of business and she will have to find another job. After all, that place was just beginning to make a profit when your mother sold it to Moira Kinney.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    if the boox r already counted as sold, wdn't it b cheaper 2 bury them sumwhere than 2 pay ppl 2 take 'em?

    and woo-hoo on nyt, i don't hafta read the book!!!


  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Don't be so sure about the New York Times bestseller list. No offence, but when it comes to your family and unmerited success, I have long ago learned to never say never when it comes to your family.

    On the other hand, just think how far you will go by actually working for something, and having that in addition to your family's phenomenal luck.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:42 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, is eva still here?

    i just hadda go 2 the washroom 4 a little bit. it wuzn't like i wuz n there hidin' frum eva. thoze cheezo-puffs & choco-cookies just kinda hit me wrong 4 sum reasn. i think wen u told me u’ve had them 4 awhile, i prolly shud’ve listened.

    by the way, thoze mags ur dad haz in his washroom of half-naked skinny, wrinkly old women with stihl chainsaws r rilly creepy. i swear i wuzn’t lookin’ @them. they’re just sittin’ out where ne1 can c them iz all. b-lieve me, i wud rilly rather look @u half-naked with a stihl chainsaw than theze women. no. that duzn’t sound rite. i mean i wud rather look @u half-naked & u don’t hafta have a chainsaw. no. i don’t mean i don’t like lookin’ @u w/clothez on. i do like lookin’ @u w/clothez on. u look good w/clothez on. rilly. & u prolly look good w/clothez off 2. i mean u wud look good, no matter wut u had on. but especially sumthin’ u wanted 2 have on, of course, & not sumthin’ ur mom picked out 4u. thass wut u wud look best in.

    iz eva gone yet?

    ok. i am gonna stop textin' u frum the washroom now. if eva iz there, she'z there & i am gonna just try 2 watch the game & stay away frum ne talk 'bout duncan & his purple lips. just the thot of those nasty lips of his r makin' me feel a little queasy.

    oh. cheezo-puffs don’t look so good goin’ this direction.

    ok. i think i got it 2gethah. i'm comin' out now. just tell eva 2 stop bangin' on the door & sayin’ “i know ur in there, jeremy. watcha doin’? let me in.” she makes me nervous.

  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    April, why is it that Jeremy can't hear me thru yr washroom door?!?!?!


  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i'm gonna b showing eva 2 the door now.



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