April's Real Blog

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


With all our driving around and around on that day more than a week ago when Liz was telling me all these old stories she cdn't possibly remember, I noticed that her gas tank was down 2 "E." I pted it out and was all, "Liz, U need 2 get more gas!" And Liz was all, "Every1 knows that stands for, "Eh, there's abt a quarter gallon left." I told her 2 stop cribbing Rita Rudner's material and reminded her that we're on the metric system.

She of course went out 2 Mayes Midtown Motors 2 fill up, passing 3 closer gas stations on the way. That gave her enuf time 2 give me three thot bubbles from the past. In the first, Dad was sitting in his armchair and bottlefeeding baby Liz. Next thot bubble, there was a giant "KA-SMASH" noise caption and a huge cloud of dust full of geometrical shapes, Dad's glasses popped off his face, Lizzie's bottle popped open, and Liz looked all wide eyed. In the last thot bubble, baby Lizzie was crying, Dad's mouth was downturned as he showed a droplet coming off of his forehead and motion lines behind his head, and Mike came in, sweating 2 droplets from his face as he sprung a speech bubble w/"It's OK, Dad.... ::puff:: ::puff:: Nothin' fell."

I asked Liz, "So what happened? Did Dad go in2 the kitchen and find that Mike had knocked a huge stack of China from the top cabinet? Did he break a Pyrex dish? Did he get in2 huge trub? Did it turn out that he did sumthing that shows he was 'theatrical' or 'sensitive' or 'inquisitive' or 'smart'?" Liz sed, "I don't know. That's all I've got on that story." I sed, "That's not even a story!" Liz didn't answer me, cuz by then we'd arrived @ the gas-station part of the Mayes empire, and wdn't U know it, Anthony showed up, all willing 2 pump Lizzie's gas 4 her, even tho he's a big "manager" type and it's not his job 2 pump gas.

Liz was like. "Don't say NEthing st00pid, April. MayB U shdn't talk @ all." But she didn't tell me I cdn't laff my arse off when Anthony didn't know what he was doing and got gasoline all over himself. Now THAT was comedy!


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  • At 8:08 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 8:22 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    So Liz is saying Mike is a genius because he pwned your Dad a lot as a kid? I'm sorry, but that's not much of an accomplishment. After all, inanimate objects can outwit both your patents so they're kinda easily frustrated.

  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Well no wonder Elizabeth is getting the story order so confused if she has the expectation of having Anthony Caine pumping her. I think what you call Anthony getting gasoline all over himself is premature egassingulation. I am not sure about the spelling, but it’s when you accidentally squeeze the trigger for the gas before the pump is firmly implanted in the entry to the gas tank. I am sure it is a common problem whenever Anthony Caine pumps Elizabeth’s gas.

    As for the story itself, you may recollect that mom was particularly concerned that whenever I was playing inside the house, I would not cause any of her breakables to careen onto the floor. I discovered at an early age, if mom or dad got upset about something I was doing, all I had to do was say, “It’s OK, Dad (or mom). Nothing fell.” They would then realize I was obeying the rules they had set forth, and they had no cause for complaint. In other words, if you break it, keep it on the shelf. And so I did.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur bro did that kinda stuff az a kid & nobody did nethin’ ‘bout it? i guess that xxplains a lot, like wen i wuz ovah @ur house studyin’ & he came n2 the kitchen & started eatin’ rite outa the fridge & broke sum stuff & sed, “it’s ok, april. nothin’ fell.” then u went 2 the fridge & there wuz all that broken glass frum sum pickle jar. i don’t get that idea of “nothin’ fell” so u don’t hafta clean up ur mess. the only thing more innerestin’ than ur whacko bro wuz how watchin’ me clean up broken glass & pickle juice outa ur fridge kinda got u xxcited. u acted like u nevah saw a guy clean up aftah sum1 b4, but b-lieve me i am not complainin’.

    neway, i hope duncan writes 2day frum his barbados whacky house. i got all my alternates 4 “unapproved” words reddy.

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, u c, i'm not even sure liz was trying 2 stick 2/her original pt ne more. it's all kinda random.

    mike? oh, ew!

    jeremy, the men in my fam never clean up after ne1. ger never does, either. so, yeah, that was kinda new. and xxciting.



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