April's Real Blog

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Falling Back

Mike wants 2 share sumthing that happed in connection 2 the whole "fall back" of Daylight Saving Time ending:

Formerly little sis. As often as I try to teach the proper way to manipulate the space/time continuum, I don’t seem to be able to get through to my son. I fear when the time comes for him to do retroactive continuity on his own life story, he may be forced to live his life exactly the way it happened, which you must admit, April, is a pretty horrible thing for a Patterson to have to do.

I came to this realization when I got home last night. I looked at the clock on the wall and discerned it said “8 o’clock” without a date on it; but just looking at an actual time caused to stir in me the feeling that it was “Time to set the clocks back. Another sign that winter’s coming!” Of course, the official start of “winter” is not actually coming until next month, but you know how things are around here. You tell a little story about your Gramma Marian to your daughter and the next thing you know a month has passed.

My lovely Deanna was in her pink underwear which I think I have seen her wear, I suppose, never. She was picking out a flannel nightgown to wear which caused me to think, “As is the flannel nightgown.” Then I thought, “Sigh.” Now, formerly little sis, you may think that when I think “Sigh” it is an actual “Sigh”, but that would not be correct. In this case, my thought of “Sigh” was actually an indication of my lament of having to see my lovely Deanna with her blonde hair and fair complexion in a dotted yellow, flannel nightgown. Honestly, there is only so much yellow a man can take in his wife.

In order to escape from this nightmare of yellow, I went to my daughter’s room, on the premise I would inform her about changing the time on her clock. I walked in and there was my daughter with her naked doll, lying in a blanket of solid yellow. Needless to say the comparison to my wife and her flannel nightgown in my mind suddenly occurred. I told her, “Turn back the time on your clock, Meredith. Daylight savings is over.” and exited as quickly as possible.

Later on my daughter informed me of the events which followed. She said she was attempting to reset her sunflower clock back an hour when my son came in and said, “Whatcha doin’?” My daughter said she replied, “Going back in time!” Now, while this is essentially true, I have warned my daughter about using too much figurative language around my extremely literal son. Naturally, he assumed that my daughter was manipulating her clock the same way his Auntie Liz manipulated time during her conversation with Candace Halloran over the life and times of Anthony and his Quebecoise ex-wife. According to my daughter, my son replied to her, “Really?” She responded with, “Yep! One whole hour.”

I did have to lecture my daughter thoroughly. “No figurative language around my son, and no talking like some hillbilly from the United States, with that ‘Yep!’” If there is one thing a Patterson hates, is listening to another Patterson sounding like some ignorant, uneducated person from the States. My son made the presumption of actual time manipulation and according to my daughter produced a thought balloon which said, “If I did something one hour ago, then I didn’t do it now!” And then he ran off, leaving his Super-Teddy in the dust, along with an actual dust cloud he stirred up when he started running. My lovely Deanna says we really must think about sweeping the floor in the hallway upstairs. I don’t think we have swept it since we moved in.

After retrieving a toy (van given to him by Mira Sobinski, which I am not motivated to fix) my son had broken in the last hour, according to my daughter he asked her, “Merediff—Can you turn the time back one more hour?” To which my daughter replied, “No…why?” Then my son brought the broken toy to her and said, “It’s still broken! My daughter started laughing when she told me that part, and she continued to laugh for several minutes. I said to her, “What’s so funny?” My daughter said, “Robin thinks you change time with a clock and fix a toy. He makes me laugh.”

Formerly little sis, as you know, if you are going to manipulate time, there are certain circumstances when that is allowed, and broken toys are not that circumstance. If my son had broken that toy over someone’s head and that event led to that someone getting a divorce and abandoning their children to a ghoulish ex-spouse, then it would be a different story. I have been paying attention and to my knowledge, my son’s broken toy has not led to any divorces.

Michael Patterson
Poor Robin. He's going 2 need lots an' lots of xxtra help. Here @ the TTH, I heard Dad saying "It's time 2 'fall back' and it's BACK 2 the flannel of late FALL. ::sigh::" And Mom sed, "*@#^%!!!" It's creepy how U an' Dee replic8 certain Mom-an'-Dad issues.



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  • At 7:07 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Why didn't Mike save his children a whole lot of trouble and set the clocks back while they were asleep? I mean, it's not like they're gonna notice for a few more years anyway, right? Why does he make things hard on himself? I thought self-inflicted pain was Iz's thing.

  • At 7:28 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    if there's a sensible way 2 do things and a not-sensible way, guess which mike will b more inclined 2 pick? this is mike we r talking abt, remember!


  • At 8:53 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Yeah. I forgot for a sec. I also forgot that he'd take criticism as a compliment.

  • At 1:32 PM, Anonymous perdita anderson said…

    Dear April,

    With the kind assistance of Charles Wallace Larson and Arne Larson, I have been successful in returning Duncan to the secure treatment facility. Let's all hope that the staff place more emphasis on the word "secure" in future.

    Have a pleasant afternoon,
    Perdita Anderson

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, perdita! can i visit? where's the facility?!?!!?


  • At 3:36 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hadda good tyme baby-sittin’ w/u last nite & wuz kinda surprised ur bro & sis came back @8 o’clock just so he cud tell his daughter she needed 2 reset her clock. i know i hadda rilly good tyme on that rilly long walk 2 ur house aftahwards. u’ve been a lot nicer 2 me than i thot u evah wud & i feel like i owe u a lot 4 evn b-in’ w/me.

    but, goin’ 2 visit duncan anderson in a secure treatment facility where he alreddy escaped frum is kinda sumthin’ i rilly don’t wanna do. & no, it’s not the same az goin’ w/u 2 visit ur grandpa jim. ur grandpa jim just hadda stroke & he’s not dangerous. duncan haz gone whacko & i think i might b in danger if i go visit w/u, eh? if he sees me & thinks i am sum kinda rival, it may set him off. u can prolly go & he won’t care if it’s u, but me, thass diffrent, eh?

    oh, all right. i’ll go. i can’t rilly turn u down 4 nethin’.

  • At 3:42 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You and the Amazon supervillain catfish think I would take criticism as a compliment? Well, that’s not true. The question you asked is why I didn't save my children a whole lot of trouble and set the clocks back while they were asleep? The answer is you have to take advantage of the learning opportunities when you get them. As you know in a few short months, time will cease to progress in Milborough, and when that happens, will there be a Daylight Savings Time? Will there be a “Spring forward and Fall back”? No, there will not. Therefore, if I want to teach my children about it, now is the time to strike. I am a man of action, and a man of action leaps at the opportunity to teach my children something about the world.

    You see, formerly little sis and your catfish sidekick, I have taken criticism and I did not turn it into compliment, not that I ever would.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, thanx, it's cube that u r willing 2 go w/me 2 c dunc, in spite of--well, u know. i m still w8ing 2 hear from perdita abt where he is.

    mike, it's not true that time will cease 2 progress in milborough--just in the official patterson storytelling, as sanctioned by the jibl in corbeil. u sed so yrself in yr september letter: "we will grow older behind the scenes." y r u contradicting yrself now?


  • At 5:17 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Behind the scenes! Have you ever tried teaching a child something behind the scenes? They are too distracted by all that scenery. My life, your life, mom's life all flashing in front of them day after day after day. No, formerly little sis, the time for teaching is now.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Being a walking contradiction is your brother's thing, kiddo. It comes with the literal-mindedness he passed on down to his son.

  • At 8:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, whatevs, mike. how distracting can the stories b? we only do a few minutes worth of narrative a day. the rest of the time, u can teach whatever.

    dc2, like i always say, painfully literal.


  • At 8:29 PM, Anonymous perdita anderson said…

    Dear April,

    Duncan is back in Barbados, in a facility just outside of Bridgetown. I believe he went to Milborough to try to persuade you to leave Milborough, so it would be rather counterproductive, not to mention unduly inconvenient, for you to visit him.

    Duncan's psychiatrist has scheduled a team meeting tomorrow, and I will be attending it. I do not want to intrude on Duncan's privacy, but I will let you know when you might expect to hear from him directly again.

    Have a pleasant evening,
    Perdita Anderson

  • At 8:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, so duncan iz in a nuthouse in barbados. dodged that bullet...i mean, poor duncan. mebbe sumday he will b moved 2 a local nuthouse, so we can visit him.

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Once you are married and have children and live in a nice Milborough home near mom and me and the Lizardbreath and our children, then maybe you will understand. As for the Amazon villain catfish, well, I hope he/she finds a nice place to spawn outside of Milborough.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It has been a freaky day today. My girls reset their clocks for Daylight Savings Time, and you would not believe what happened---we actually went one hour back in the past! I got very excited, and said, "We have a time machine in these clocks." However, the best it could do was take us back to midnight and after awhile you get bored with the same old set of 12 hours. I wish I had gotten them clocks with the year on them.

    However, I have found a practical purpose for them. As you know, we live close enough to your house so we could walk over easily. Your father got into a choo-choo mood today, and the sounds of his humming and making choo-choo noises while he was working on his trains were very distracting. A quick change of the clock and we found the hour where he finally stopped. So, if you ever want to go back or forward an hour or two, stop on by the house. I have the feeling there a lot of things at your house you may want to skip over.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, perdita! yes, pls let me know when dunc will b able 2 contact me!

    mike, when u say i'll understand sumday, that just means u don't know how 2 xxplain yrself. also, i'm rite and u don't want 2 admit it.

    howard, wow, what an amazing clock! yeah, there r def things i'd like 2 skip over.



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