April's Real Blog

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

This flashback brought to you by Liz

So Liz told me this story abt when she was a baby and Mike was five. The story is that Lizzie was sitting on the floor holding a rattle, and that Mike kneeled across from her, placed a hand on ea of his elbowz, then put his forearms on the floor (he useta B much more flexible than he is now), and went, "Hi, Lizzie." And Liz slammed the rattle in2 his eye while shouting, "GWONG!" And Mike grabbed @ her while yelling, "U little RAT!" Then Mom came along all, "Michael! How many times have I told U not 2 B mean 2 yr baby sister!"

When Liz told me this story (as we folded laundry), I was like, "Liz! U actually REMEMBERED all this?" And Liz looked a bit gobsmacked (what else is new?) and sed, "U know what it is? MIKE has been telling me this story for as long as I can remember. This is MIKE'S story!" Then she looked kinda pissed. Then she sed, "My stories shd really start in the mid-to-late...." She paused. "Um, 1980s. Not this when-I-was-a-baby stuff."

Then she told me another story from B4 she cd remember, but I'll hafta save that 4 2morrow morning, per the Patterson story-telling rules.


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  • At 7:15 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    So everything is about Mike, then. I wonder why HE didn't tell you about this. Too busy working on the third (fourth?) great Canadian novel, I guess.

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Ah, that was one of my favourite of Liz's old stories. I hope she tells the follow-up story next. You see there was one day when Lizzie kicked me right in the crotch, and when I doubled over in pain, I landed on Lizzie. Then mom showed up out of nowhere and said, "Michael, how many times have I told you not to be mean to your sister!" But this time I was ready for her, and I said, "1027 times." Then Connie Poirier showed up out of nowhere and said, "Elly! Aren't you going to punish him?" And mom said, "But he got the number right." I love that story. I hope Liz told it next.

    By the way, you can tell the Amazon catfish supervillain, that he has raised an interesting question: After my novel Stone Season is declared to be the great Canadian novel, then how will my second novel Breaking the Windjammer be considered? Can there be a tie for the honour of great Canadian novel? Will people actually consider one of my novels to be better than the other? I had never really thought about it before. I will be competing with myself, when it comes to literary accomplishment. I wonder who will win.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    It doesn't matter if Mike or Michael wins that little race because the reading public is gonna lose.

  • At 12:58 PM, Anonymous micheal patterson said…


    I had not really thought of it that way, but you're right. Imagine the average book reader, reading Stone Season for the very first time and suddenly coming to the realization that they will never be able to read a book better than that. They will look on their previous favourite authors in disgust, wondering why they were unable to produce work which measured up to the Stone Season standard. They will wonder why other editors are unable to match the editing prowess of Elly Patterson (credited in the dedication to Stone Season). They will feel as though the whole of English literature has been a letdown. They may even try to turn to Quebecois literature as a solace. It will be a terrible loss. However, I bet my next novel Breaking the Windjammer, will be even more successful, thanks to the people's desperation for good writing.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, just 2 let u know, i am gonna b @wicked wednesday 2nite 2 hear u guyz play. u know there’s peeps in the skool u think u guyz r gonna do the hose-a-phone thing again like last year. i think they r gonna b surprised u guyz aren’t rilly just a novelty band. i hope it’s just surprised. sumtymez peeps in mboro get worked up ‘bout stuff. i’ll cu between sets, i guess, unless there’s like an angry mob or sumthin’.

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I remember my older sister used to tell me stories about things I did when I was young so often, I thought I could remember actually doing them. It was not until I was much older until I realized that I had not gotten my hair so red by falling into vat of acid after having had a battle with The Batman.

    On the other hand, it seems a little unusual for your sister to remember a story from your brother where she injured your brother and your brother got blamed for it by your mom. That really does sound more like a story your sister would remember for herself.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we're running thru sum sound checks 4 wicked wednesday, which will start in abt an hr.


  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, @1st i wuz kinda wonderin’ wut happed 2 duncan’s bass. it looked like he pawned it 2 sum guy who kept clawed animals & then unpawned it. then i wuz wonderin’, “how iz april gonna get this crowd 2 stop sayin’ ‘hose-a-phone’ ovah & ovah again?” then i wuz surprised 2c that zandra larson wuz in the crowd, cuz i hadn’t seen her since graduation. then wen gerald decided the best way 2 calm the crowd wuz 2 go all mosh pit & leap frum the stage on top of the peeps yellin’ 4 the hose-a-phone, i thot it wuz a good way 2 get them 2 stop. of course, wen they mostly dodged outa the way, i thot it wuzn’t that smart nemore. i think zandra wished she cud have moved a little faster. she wuz a little flattened by gerald, or @least a little flatter, iikwim. she seemed ok, tho. i mean she cud still hit pretty hard. u know, i think gerald iz actually a bettah drummer, wen he’s bleedin’ a little. @least all the biz got peeps 2 stop yellin’ 4 the hose-a-phone. thass sumthin’ neway.

    by the way, u look hott, rockin’ ur acoustic guitar & w/ur hair down. i'm not evn lookin' @eva no mattah how many timez she triez 2 get me 2 look.

  • At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Keesha Grant said…

    Wow, "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones. Very cube and I think this helped the crowd 4get about the whole "hose-a-phonium" thing. Jeremy got so protective of April when that weird guy tried 2 rush the stage.


  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, they want an encore! we're gonna do "happy phantom" by tori amos.



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