April's Real Blog

Friday, November 02, 2007

Emotional, sensitive, an' theatrical--THAT's what we're calling it?

As we took Liz's laundry 2 her car, I sed, "So, U're saying that when U were little--U an' Mike weren't xxactly 'friends'!" While loading her clothes in2 the trunk, Liz was all, "Oh, we loved ea other--we just had our differences. Then, in Patterson fashion, we paused our conversation long enuf 2 get in2 the car, and as I fastened my seatbelt, Liz continued w/"He was emotional and sensitive and theatrical..." Then she got a strange thot bubble over her hed, of Mom when she was yung diapering a baby who I guess was supposta B Liz, but looked like ROBIN. "Liz" had her hed raised and tung out as she went "PFFTT!" in the general direction of Mike, who was standing behind Mom and looking gobsmacked. While Liz had this thot bubble, she continued, "...And...I sort of took advantage of it."

I sed, "Let me guess--this is another story Mike told U 4 yrs and yrs, not yr own memory." And Liz sed, "I suppose so. Yes, that's rite." And I asked her if she was ever suspicious. She sed, "What do U mean?" I told her that I'd dun lots of babysitting, and babies the age she's supposta B in the thot bubble not only don't have the mindset 2 taunt an older sib, but also, they really don't get the idea of sticking out their tungs 2 taunt. They do mouth raspberries @ that age, but only b-cuz they can and it's fun, not b-cuz they have a concept that it's a way 2 make fun of sum1 else.

Liz was quiet a moment and sed, "It's also weird that I remember myself looking like Robin. That can't B rite." I sed, "MayB U have sum false memories?" And Liz looked off in2 the distance 4 a bit. Then she sed, "Stick 2 the script. I have 2 stick 2 the script. And don't B such a picky face!" Then she started up the car.


Labels: , , ,


  • At 7:02 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    That's the fun part of letting Mike be the official rememberer of the Patterson clan: he gets to be full of shit by proxy. Of course, since your Mom assigned him that task, the Law of Fecal Gravity comes into play. He'll say and believe anything as long as it makes Mother happy.

  • At 12:08 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Contrary to the Amazon River catfish supervillain’s opinion, the official rememberer (or scrapbooker, as they say in places not filled with Amazon River water), is our own mother. She has painstakingly put together these scrapbooked photo albums, so that our family history can be maintained, even parts of it which we do not remember ever happening before. She raised us and I don’t see anything wrong with her being happy. I am sure you would agree it is certainly is a lot more pleasant than when she is unhappy. Perhaps in catfish land, the fish don’t care about their mothers’ happiness; but in Milborough, we treat our mothers better.

    As for your statement that babies don’t have the mindset to taunt an older sibling with a raspberry, “Stuff and nonsense,” I say. My children do it all the time, and I believe you have babysat them before.

    Don’t forget the birthday party tomorrow for my son. And if he shoots a raspberry at you, then you will know he is not above taunting his auntie too.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i got thru that test, thanx 2 studyin’ w/u. ur good @skool. thanx a lot 4 helpin’ me.

    i just wanna say i know we have spent a lotta tyme 2gethah l8ly 4 peeps who r just “friends” so it’s rilly no prob u wanna spend tyme w/sum othah peeps this weekend. ur so rite, if we go out again this weekend it wud look like were more than “friends” & u have just hooked up w/me 2 get revenge on gerald 4 breakin’ up w/u. i totally unnerstand, u don’t want peeps 2 think that.

    oh, wen u did that raspberry thing @gerald, i thot he totally deserved it 4 wut he sed, evn tho u looked like u were rilly horrified aftah u did it. so, i guess i’ll cu around, unless u change ur mind & wanna do sumthin’. as "friends," of course.

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just thought I would let you know your brother’s book Stone Season made it onto Portrait Magazine’s Raspberry of the Week list, which is a column Mitch Frenum (your brother’s old boss) writes for us. Mitch was not a very good editor for Portrait Magazine, but his acerbic tone makes him a pretty good columnist. One of his comments you might find amusing is this one:

    One of the primary difficulties in reading a Stone Season by Michael Patterson, aside from its nearly incomprehensible plotline, is the extraordinarily poor editing. The lead character Sheilagh has made the bold move of not taking her husband’s last name, when she gets married, but she doesn’t seem to know how to spell her own last name. It appears as Shaughnessy, Shaugnessey, and Shaunessy. The whole thing looks like it was edited by a school dropout, who thinks she knows how to edit books, just because she has read a lot of books. Considering the author gives credit to his mother, “Elly Patterson, editor of excellence, who established the Milborough landmark, Lilliput’s Book Store, and puts the ‘grand’ in ‘grandmother’,” I suspect I am not far from the truth.

    Future authors, take note! Do not let your mother edit your work! I have had the extreme displeasure of working as an editor to Michael Patterson’s work before, and I can tell you he is a writer who requires an editor with a stern disposition and several red ink pens. Judging from Stone Season, his mother has neither of these things.

    Just thought I would let you know, since your theme today appears to be raspberries.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u goof. yr children r older than liz was in this memory she didn't have. she was less than 1 yr old. what yr 3-yr-old or 5-yr-old does isn't ne kind of "proof" abt what an infant does. dummy.

    jeremy, i think it wd b fun 2 get 2gether this weekend. i don't care what ne1 sez or thinx.

    howard, that's hilarious. thanx 4 sharing that!


  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    It doesn't surprise me in the least that your mother didn't have what it took to be an editor. Her whole life, as I see it, is one long exercise in her mouth writing cheques her ass can't cash. It doesn't matter what she tries; whether she's a university student, wife, pet owner, mother, book reviewer, columnist, business owner or editor, she fails miserably.

  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, by ne chance were u @ lilliput's 2day, sitting at a table near the ppl who have coffee w/my mom everyday, whispering stuff abt her long list of failures? when i got home from school 2day, she was going on an' on abt how she wasn't sure if the guy @ the next table was whispering stuff, or if she was just, like, hearing things.


  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Guilty as charged, so to speak. If it was something about how Jim is a lot better without her help, that'd be me. Iris may want help after all. Just not from Lady Fubar with the horsebun. I mean, if she did pitch in, your Grampa would be dead in five minutes.

  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I am not sure why you bother maintaining a conversation with this Amazon supervillain catfish person. Life in the Amazon must be so different from life in Milborough it is difficult for this person to comprehend what goes on in regular human life. For example, our mother does not write cheques with her mouth, she uses her hand and a pen. Also, our mother does not try to get barnyard animals like an ass to cash her cheques, she uses a bank like everyone else. In addition, I think it is fairly safe to say that my book Stone Season, would not be the bestseller that it is, if it weren’t for the sterling editing skills of my mother, no matter what some jealous writer for Portrait Magazine may say. Even if it weren’t for that, Lilliput’s would not be a Milborough landmark, if it weren’t for mom. There is a lot of pride you can take in the things mom has accomplished, not the least of which is raising the beautiful daughter you are. I know teenagers are supposed to be rebellious, but I don’t know why you insist on embracing conversation with a character whose sole purpose in life, when he/she is not swimming in the Amazon River, seems to be insulting our family. You’re a Patterson. Show some pride. There is no one better than you are, except the other members of your family.

    You will be the best veterinarian Canada has ever seen, next to Auntie Bev and cousin Laura. The cows and ducks and chickens will praise your name, as best they can in their animal languages. Men will fall on their knees in devotion or yell or prance and skip around at your least favour. You will grow even more and more beautiful as you get older and if by some chance you hit your mid-20s and start to look like mom or dad, there is always rhinoplasty. People will write letters and cards and telegrams, swearing that they are just like you are, out of sheer jealousy and envy. Do us all a favour, formerly little sis. The next time you see that muttering catfish, just pick him and throw him back in the river.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m glad u changed ur mind ‘bout goin’ out. wen i called ur house 2c wut u wunted 2 do, ur sis answered & sed u wanted 2 dance 2 the same music the leaves are dancin’ 2. i don’t unnerstand ur sis sumtymez. i guess we cud do that kinda dancin’, if u show me how 2 do it. othahwize, how ‘bout just a regular all ages dance place?

  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, liz was just teasin' me cuz of an ol' pic of me mom had her web designer put on the web page, doing a dance like that when i was little. regular all-ages dance place soundz good 2 me.



Post a Comment

<< Home