Liz continues 2 retcon Mike
Remember in Saturday's entry, when I told U abt Liz dropping me off @ home and speeding off in a huff? Well, ten minutes l8r, she stomped back in2 the house and sed, "April, I just realized I wasn't dun w/my script. I've got more I'm supposed 2 tell U. Get in the car so we can drive around sum more."
I started 2 protest, but remember Mike was still there, and he came out from the kitchen and went in2 a speech abt my "Patterson education." I figged this was worse than Liz and her reminisce-o-script were going to be, so I went.
We got in2 the car and put on our seatbelts. Liz checked sum index cards, then she tucked them in2 her purse and started up the car. As she backed out of the driveway, Liz sed, "Michael was smart and inquisitive... which often got him in2 trouble."
I let out a big snort. "SMART and INQUISITIVE? How can U even say that with a str8 face?" Liz was like, "Botox. And don't interrupt. Now, I'm going 2 have 4 thot bubbles U hafta look @." Sure enuf, she had 4 thot bubbles--the 1st had lil Mike turning on a faucet, the view of him full-face, and U cd just C his head an' shoulders and the washroom sink in front of him. Next thot bubble, he's in profile and revealed 2 B standing on a chair, turning on water in the kitchen sink. 3rd bubble, he's seen from the back, on his toes while leaning in2 the basement sink and turning on that water. Last bubble, Dad is leaping out of the shower, which is full of steam, and grabbing a towel that (thankgodfully) is covering his naughty bits.
I sed, "Another memory that U're not even in. That suxx." Liz sed, "Yeah, it kind of does." I asked, "Y R U giving Mike this whole 'smart/sensitive/theatrical/inquisitive' retcon?" Liz sed, "I got a memo from the Witch of Corbeil. If I don't follow the script exactly, there is no chance Anthony will EVER marry me." I started 2 ask if that wd B so bad, but the look in her eyes stopped me in my tracks. I sed, "So this is the new 'official' family story on Mike's childhood, eh?" Liz sed, "''Fraid so."
Apes
I started 2 protest, but remember Mike was still there, and he came out from the kitchen and went in2 a speech abt my "Patterson education." I figged this was worse than Liz and her reminisce-o-script were going to be, so I went.
We got in2 the car and put on our seatbelts. Liz checked sum index cards, then she tucked them in2 her purse and started up the car. As she backed out of the driveway, Liz sed, "Michael was smart and inquisitive... which often got him in2 trouble."
I let out a big snort. "SMART and INQUISITIVE? How can U even say that with a str8 face?" Liz was like, "Botox. And don't interrupt. Now, I'm going 2 have 4 thot bubbles U hafta look @." Sure enuf, she had 4 thot bubbles--the 1st had lil Mike turning on a faucet, the view of him full-face, and U cd just C his head an' shoulders and the washroom sink in front of him. Next thot bubble, he's in profile and revealed 2 B standing on a chair, turning on water in the kitchen sink. 3rd bubble, he's seen from the back, on his toes while leaning in2 the basement sink and turning on that water. Last bubble, Dad is leaping out of the shower, which is full of steam, and grabbing a towel that (thankgodfully) is covering his naughty bits.
I sed, "Another memory that U're not even in. That suxx." Liz sed, "Yeah, it kind of does." I asked, "Y R U giving Mike this whole 'smart/sensitive/theatrical/inquisitive' retcon?" Liz sed, "I got a memo from the Witch of Corbeil. If I don't follow the script exactly, there is no chance Anthony will EVER marry me." I started 2 ask if that wd B so bad, but the look in her eyes stopped me in my tracks. I sed, "So this is the new 'official' family story on Mike's childhood, eh?" Liz sed, "''Fraid so."
Apes
Labels: Dad, gratuitous reminiscing, Liz, Mike
posted by April Patterson @ 6:32 AM
9 Comments:
At 8:13 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
I don't think it's especially clever to have turned on every cold water faucet in the house just to see what would happen. His childish destructiveness is just the tip of the idiocy iceberg, though. Letting a child race around to create mayhem because you're too busy whining about how awful it is to be a wife and mother, now that's really stupid.
At 9:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
Duncan's team has decided that he should be allowed some supervised computer time each day. He will be permitted to post on your blog if you and your young friends will agree to abide by the rules imposed by the team. As they are lengthy, I will post them later. I must go now and open Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's. Thank goodness Arne is back to assist me. It's been difficult to manage without my parents and my soon-to-be former husband and Duncan.
Have a pleasant morning,
Perdita Anderson
At 10:49 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, perdita. i'm sorry abt yr news that yr husband is a soon-2-b-ex. i had no idea. i will watch 4 the rules.
dc2, a lot of these old stories r xxplaining more than they r probably intended 2, iykwim.
apes
At 12:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, "the rules imposed by the team". lemme guess the 1st 1: jeremy jones shud address duncan az "hiz duncanness", or "the gr8 musick talent mcdunc" & shud not evah call him "mc-Dunce" or "that purple-lipped idiot."
At 1:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Yes, “smart and inquisitive”. Mom has been discussing my history with her good friends over at Hank Ketcham Enterprises, Inc., and has decided that when I was young I was not an aggressive, demonic, trouble-maker like our good friend Dennis Mitchell used to be back in the 1950s, but a smart and inquisitive young boy, just as Dennis Mitchell is now hospitable and generous and never menacing. It may look to you when you saw Liz’s thought balloons; I was intentionally turning on all the cold water in the house taking advantage of the extraordinarily poor plumbing of our house so it would suddenly burn pop when he was in the shower. You would have to ask the question, “Why didn’t I turn on the hot water too, if I was just inquisitive?” The answer is obvious. My right hand was stronger than my left hand, and where my right hand could turn on the cold water, my left hand was too weak to turn on the hot water, and so my poor father had to suffer due to my manipulative weakness.
If all goes well, Liz’s story will lead into a story about Paul Gauthier, whose contracting company, aside from building an addition onto the house, also corrected the unusual plumbing of the house, so my little inquisitive nature could not accidentally inflict pain on someone again. The story will, of course, not answer the question why Mr. Gauthier's truck sometimes turns up with lipstick prints on the logo! Let’s just say that mom really liked the fact Mr. Gauthier addressed her as "Madame" from time to time. Although it was about this time mom started making fun of the French, so who knows what really happened? We’ll just have to wait and see how Liz tells that story.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I know you are disturbed by the idea that your brother was described a “smart and inquisitive”, but I would like to point out that the other description your sister gave was “which often got him into trouble.” I don’t see that in your sister’s story either. It seems more like he got your dad into trouble and I don’t see any consequences to your brother’s actions.
My girls María and Ana have learned if they flush the toilet when I am in the shower, that with the good plumbing in our house, it won’t burn me. However, they have also learned if they leave their Hallowe’en candy out and in the way of where people walk, it has a tendency to disappear and my wife, Beatrice sometimes has a little chocolate mustache. There are some nice things about consequences.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 2:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, howard, i m still w8ing 4 the "getting in trouble" part of the story.
apes
At 3:02 PM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Well, at least having to build an addition on the house got the plumbing fixed. That's one less headache for Mike to deal with. It's also a good thing that he and Deanna finally took care of that back gate. After all, it couldn't have been fixed just by screaming at it.
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
No forms of the following words or terms may be used when addressing Duncan:
freeze
ice
cold
cool
snow
sleet
hail
arctic
north
pole
Yukon Territory
Northwest Territories
Nunavit
Alaska
Iceland
Greenland
Siberia
Antarctica
Christmas
eggnog
Santa Claus
reindeer
elf
witch
Corbeil
In the unlikely event that Duncan himself uses any of the above, please do not encourage his delusions by responding to him. The team says that he may begin to post on Wednesday.
Thank you for expressing your condolences regarding my failed marriage. I met Alaistair when we were four years old and were paired up by our parents to march in the Kadooment Day parade. When we were twelve years old, Alaistair gave me a box of sweets and told me that we were going to get married and have a son as soon as we left school. So we did. I suppose it just never occured to me until very recently that one is not obliged to spend one's entire life with one's childhood sweetheart, particularly when said childhood sweetheart is as thick as a plank and as dull as dishwater.
Have a pleasant evening,
Perdita
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