April's Real Blog

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Young Michael woke Mom

U mite remember that w/yesterday's installment of me telling U abt that Mike-reminiscence day from more than 2 wks ago, Dad had joined us ("us" being me, Liz, Mike, and Anthony) @ our booth o' stories @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill.

Mike was a bit sore abt Dad sayin' he had been a "little stinker," and he insisted his next story wd improve our impression of him. So he sprung 4 consecutive thot bubbles, the 1st 3 of which had Mom lookin' really, really ruff, w/just her head (lookin' nearly dead) peeking out from her covers as she lies in bed. 1st thot bubble had Mike speech-bubbling, "Come on, Ma... get up. It's morning, Ma!" 2nd thot bubble had her facing the other way, so we cd just C the back of her head, while her speech bubble read, "::grrumph:: --I don't want 2 get up, Michael .. go get a (yawn) glass of milk..." Mike in the next thot bubble had his eyes screwed shut, his mouth wide open, and a speech bubble w/"U can't stay in bed... I'll B l8 4 school, an' Lizzy is soakin' wet!" Mom's eyes looked like a coupla walnuts. Final thot bubble had Mom stooped over, clutching @ the neckline of her bathrobe as Mike led her and she thot bubbled, "If I were wide awake.. I'd think my 5-year-old was treating me like a 5-year-old..."

Liz sed, "Dad! Where were U? Y cdn't U help out if Mom was in such ruff shape?" Mike and Dad laffed and Mike sed, "Lizard, U have so much 2 learn. U 2, April. This was clearly 'mommy' work. U can't xxpect the daddy 2 do 'mommy' work!" Anthony looked kinda uneasy, and Mike sed, "Oh, don't feel bad, Anthony. U were clearly put in an unnatural position because of the Quebecoise hoochie who ran out on U. These wrongs will B rited once U marry the Lizard." Dad sed, "Mike, shd I go put down some money...?" Mike was all, "Sh, U'll scare her, she's like a baby bird!"

I was all, "U know, I shd really get sum homework dun. I have a lot of work this term, and when I got in2 Liz's car 2 do laundry, I had no idea what I was getting myself in2." Liz sed, "The stories Rn't finished yet." And Mike sed, "Aw, c'mon, it's abt 2 get really, really good!"

I'm gonna hafta hold off until 2morrow B4 I tell U the next bit. Patterson storytelling. And OMG, it's only Tuesday. Let's all hope really hard 4 one of those mid-week topic changes we sumtymes have around here.


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  • At 8:23 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    What's really annoying is that Liz got his thought-bubbled age wrong. He was six when this happened, not five. You dad is still a jackass, no matter what age Mike is, though.

  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, there has been a LOT of confusion over the ages of ppl in my fam, especially since mike an' liz had yrs when they didn't age @ all, tho foax r having sum trouble pin-pting when they were, and their dob's have actually been modified on their official records to match up. 2 make things even more confusing, liz actually moved back an' forth betw her age being consistent w/having been born in 1980 and 1981, and @ times the same has happed 2 her friends.

    what's confusing u abt this story is that there was a period of time when, even tho mike was 5 and in kindergarten, mom used 2 refer 2 him as being six. like she was in a hurry 4 him 2 move along. but now when ppl talk abt that time, the try an' correct 4 it. so even tho when this incident happened, mom really thot, "my 6 yr old" she really shd have thot "my 5-yr-old." and the version mike (not liz!) thot bubbled matched that correction.


  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Ah. You see, that's the problem: your parents and older siblings experience time differently from ordinary mortals like me. I've always had the same date of birth so stuff like that never came up.

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, another way i'm diff from the rest of my fam is that i have always had the same year of birth. and pretty much the same day of birth (tho there r sum ppl who swear that i was born on march 31, 1991 instead april 1, 1991).


  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur bro’s story 2day rilly hit home w/me that tyme wen i hadda stay w/dad & i cudn’t get him outa bed 2 take me 2 the bus station 2 get home. my dad started screamin’ ‘bout how he wuz hung ovah & didn’t wanna get outa bed. i know this is kinda b4 ur tyme in ur fam, but do u know if this story happed aftah ur mom drank a little 2 much or sumthin’? i mean this wuz in the early 1980s wen recreational drinkin’ wuz rilly popular.

    xxcept 4 thoze couple of tymez i hadda spend w/my dad, my morningz aren’t 2 bad. mom works n TO, so she’s usually long gone b4 i hafta get up & go 2 skool. evn w/a step-dad now, it’s the same, cuz he works in TO also.

    neway, i hadda good tyme baby-sittin’ w/u last nite, evn tho i think i spent mosta the tyme wallpaperin’ ur bro’s house. evn so, i hadda good tyme. u look rilly cute w/a little wallpaper paste on ur nose, & i think the kids learned a skill, once robin found i wuz serious wen i sed, “don’t eat the wallpaper or the wallpaper paste.” i had such a gr8 tyme
    i didn’t mind @all wen u started sending messages 2 duncan. aftah all he is just ur friend & prolly needs ur support since he is all whacked out.

  • At 1:31 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It is interesting that from your brother’s story it appears your brother’s parenting skills were better at 5 (or 6) than they are now he is a grown man. Of course, given that the entire prior week, your stories about your brother showed him to be an irresponsible brat, I have a little doubt that the story he told you is true. The only consistent element is the casual disregard with which he treated your mother.

    As for me, I rise up early before my children get up and make them breakfast, before I have to drive off to my job at Portrait Magazine. This morning was Eggs Benedict and freshly-squeezed orange juice. Beatrice got me a juicer, and I just love it, although the girls complain about the pulpy OJ. They will learn to appreciate it, given enough time.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:40 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. This is one of the few instances I think I will agree with your supervillain Amazon catfish friend. The ages of Pattersons are an area of confusion and I must say one of the only elements where we Pattersons are perhaps a little deficient compared to other people. When I told you that story, I could have sworn I was thought-bubbling the right age, but then this other age came out, as if some middle-aged, large, blonde art assistant had been hired to white out my thoughts and replace them with a poorly-inked newer version. Without knowing the proper dates for things, then it will cause all sorts of problems down the road. When the prime minister suggests that, thanks to the acclaim my book Stone Season has received, there should be a “Michael Patterson Year” to coincide with the 35th anniversary of my birth year, then what year will it be? Without a clear understanding of those kinds of little details, there are tremendous opportunities which could be missed.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's funny u shd ask abt the hangover thing, jeremy. cuz i asked that v. question after mike told his story. dad laffed and sed he remembered this one time when he had a hangover, and told mike, then five (or was it six?) not to tell ppl on the phone that daddy was hungover. tell them he's v. v. sick. dad had a big ol' lololol on that one, but mike looked kinda disturbed. and when i tried 2 get the subj back 2 whether mom had been hungover the morning of mike's story, no1 wd answer me!

    howard, i luv fresh-squeezed oj w/lotsa pulp!

    mike, i think mom sez that ne special awards 2 commemor8 yr birthday r 2 b based on yr "official" age as she has it @ her website. 'course yr birth certificate has all this wite-out on it and corrections.


  • At 5:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Are you hinting you want to be invited over for breakfast? The girls would love to have you over. María and Ana love their Auntie April, and you might be a good example for them with orange juice.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I suppose I could use my "official" age as mom has it on her website, but think of the investigative reporters. Whenever someone hits it big, like I am doing with sales of my book Stone Season, there are people who like you for your success and your winning personality, and then there are people who want to tear you down and make your life a living hell.

    Those people are the investigative reporters. They won’t stop at mom’s website. They will find and even look at my birth certificate, and it will bring up all kinds of uncomfortable questions about my age. For example, they might ask how a Milborough man over 30 years old, like me, can manage to be so attractive, and not look like the average Milborough man over 30 years old, who looks like he has one foot in the grave, like Gordon Mayes. They may ask if I have had plastic surgery. They may ask if my beauty is due to my being a Patterson. They may wear short skirts and sit too close to me while they are asking questions, so I have to smell their enticing perfumes. No, April. If the question of my age comes up, I will have to take the aggressive stance every Patterson does when faced with adversity, and refuse to answer those questions.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:03 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, I guess w/ur dad that lie ‘bout sick & not hungovah makes sense. Aftah all, peeps wudn’t wanna have a drunk dentist, cuz then he mite drop stuff all the tyme while he is doing dental surgery & stuff.

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i wasn't hinting, but since u r inviting me, i m soooo there!

    mike, since u r going 2 refuse 2 answer questions, i guess u have nothing 2 worry abt, eh? b-sides, if mom catches wind of investig8ive reporters doing those things, u know she'll unhinge her jaw @ them and scare them away.


  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, jeremy, now i m starting 2 wonder if dad's a secret drinker even now!


  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I hope you don't mind the posting, but I ran across your blog and was thrilled to realize that Michael Patterson actually posts here. I just wanted to let him know that I've bought his book, and Stone Season is, without a doubt, the best novel I have ever read.

    Judging from the photograph on the back of the book, I can see why he is reluctant to encourage questions about how he can be so attractive at his age in your town. Not only is he worthy of a Pulitzer, but he's also extremely handsome...

    Oh my. I don't believe I just admitted that in a public forum. *blush*

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, my, mike, it loox like u have an admirer.


  • At 10:49 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Perdita,

    I no u read Apes blog. R u Laurie C? Sounds like u.

    p.s. Apes, have u read Stone Season yet? It must of been compulsory reading @ yr place. Mike sent me an autographed copy. It says, Get healthy soon, young demented youth. I put it under my bed. Its bneath The Stone Angel, The Stone Diaries, and The Colony of Unrequited Dreams. Ill get 2 it sumday, mayb.



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