April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Well, it's less gross than Mom's cooking

Sorry abt this foax. Another car ride w/Dad 2 tell U abt. Loading up my luggage in2 the back of the 'vASSe, I told Dad, "I had an awesum time on the farm, Dad. I've got so much 2 tell everybody!" Then, once we were in the car an' hovering, I sed, "I'm like, totally at home w/the horses now. I can ride almost as well as Laura, and Uncle Danny let me drive the tractor AND the truck! We went 2 the harvest fair, an auction an' a country music festival!" And Dad asked, "What abt the veterinary clinic? Did U enjoy working there?" And I sed, "Oh, yeah! That was the best part of all! I got 2 help out w/the surgery an' I saw stuff U wd NOT imagine! Like, guts an' everything! But I'll tell U all abt that @ supper." And Dad, of course, looked mildly gobsmacked.

This whole convo was kinda odd, cuz Dad cda asked me abt this stuff when I came home this past wkend 4 Mom's b-day celebration. But he and Mom just, like, didn't talk 2 me @ all while I was home 4 the b-day surprise. It was so strange.

Honoria, C U have bought in2 this whole "Jeremy was a villain" slander. Remember when U were d8ing him and U didn't consider him a "villain"? U only b-came convinced of that when U let that Corbeil-produced mockumentary brainwash U in2 thinking it.

And U R soooooooo literal. No, Daisy did not say "La-la-la." I was using that 2 express Daisy's oblivious attitude. I didn't have a special edition, which U no doubt wda assumed was a special edition 4 not-rich ppl who R not @ hoity-toity private schools. And BTW, U reading this bk in grade 3--a book that ppl read in grad school and write doctoral dissertations abt? Does not show that U R sum kinda super genius who went 2 a superior school (B4 it b-came downgraded 2 "worst school in Ontario"). It only shows that U read it when U were 2 yung 2 understand the significance. Heck, I read War and Peace when I was in kindergarten, but I didn't get the symbolism @ all until I re-read it last yr. I M sure that when U were in grade 3, U didn't make much of this: "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy -- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made." That is soooo U.

But I've realized that trying 2 convince U of NEthing goes nowhere. THAT is how U R like Mike. Not in appearance or NEthing. Like I sed, U R v. v. literal. Well, C U @ noon. We'll talk abt clothes and not eating, and then U'll go off 2 that school of yrs and that will B that.


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  • At 9:52 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Apes, u rnt still roaring 2day, r u? Im rilly worried abt u. U were sounding like psycho Evah. Is that cowgirl coming back 2 Mboro or have her 'rents bailed 2 Nigeria?

  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, dunc, i didn't actually roar. i only thot the lame-o lyrics from that lame-o old song that auntie bev kept playing while i was in winni. don't u h8 when bad songz get stuck in yr head?

    i dunno abt eva. i know she was away @ that camp 4 the summer, i'm not sure what's supposta happen when she gets dun w/it.


  • At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I am so glad you calmed down for our shopping trip after you used your Blog to work out some of your “issues.” It was quite enjoyable to have you shopping with me and little Françoise, as I took her out to get a nice farewell gift for her to celebrate the end of our baby-sitting adventure together. I think everyone expects that your sister and Mr. Caine will be married sometime by early next year, and after that time, little Françoise will have to suffer with your sister’s questionable taste in clothing. I think those outfits we got her were quite nice, and should last her for awhile, assuming she doesn’t have any majour growth spurts. However, I will confess that I was quite astonished to find her wearing the children’s sizes for 5-year-olds, considering she is just 2 ½ years old. She is certainly big for her age.

    Françoise was quite excited to tell me that your breath was so much better than your sister’s. I haven’t had the opportunity to really smell your sister’s breath, but from the times she has briefly visited Mr. Caine’s house in preparation for one of their evening dates, I have noticed she has left a somewhat unpleasant odour requiring a little air freshener to remove. I know Françoise has been around you before, but I think the repeated exposure to your sister had started to affect her opinion of your family in general. As I understand it, she has seen your mother eating at a family picnic, and she sometimes has nightmares about it.

    It was funny you mentioned War and Peace in your Blog entry today, because that’s the book I have been reading with little Françoise at night before she goes to bed. We had a such nice discussion at lunch time. Françoise talked about how some of the minor themes of War and Peace were “the ennobling essence of suffering” and “Poetic Justice.” After you finished being “gobsmacked” at what Françoise said (I think that was the term you used), you pointed out those were also two of the minor themes of being a Patterson, so reading War and Peace was a good preparation for getting your sister as her new mom. That was quite a good discussion we had. It has been so long since I got to sit around a table and talk books with such knowledgeable people.

    I loved the look on your face, as you started telling us all about veterinary surgery over lunch (I suppose trying to upset our stomachs), when little Françoise said, “Auntie April. You can use the real words. You don’t have to say ‘guts an’ everything!’ I know what a suture is.” Little Françoise is so smart. If Cashwell Day School was like it used to be in its glory days, before it became downgraded to "the worst school in Ontario,” I would have recommended she go there. However, she seemed to be quite impressed that the H.G. Davis Public School, where you went, actually had you read War and Peace when you were in kindergarten. I think her encounter with your nephew and his fear your grandmother would explode, left some doubt in her mind about how school life will be in 3 years when she gets to go to kindergarten.

    I also appreciated that discussion you had with Françoise about her birth mother, Thérèse, and how some people are considered villains when they really aren’t villains. Most of her information about her mother has been coming from your sister these days, and I think Françoise appreciated hearing a point of view from someone who didn’t automatically say, “Your mom had a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband and she just threw them away!” I think it meant more to hear it from you about your sister, than she has from me, who is not related to your sister.

    All in all, I would say it was a fine day of shopping. I got a nice wardrobe, which might have to last me a few years. Françoise seemed pleased with her gift dresses, and you looked quite ladylike in your new outfits too, even if you can’t wear them to school. I am going to miss spending time with you, dearest future sister.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The girls are very excited you will be baby-sitting for them this weekend. And if you want to tell them about “guts and everything” they would love it. María and Ana are at the ages where they find bodily excretions to be very funny (and no, that’s not your mother’s age). The gorier you can make your veterinary stories, the more they will like it. Whatever you do, don’t tell them about the country music festival. Beatrice has filled their ears full of Argentinean folk music since they were little, and I am struggling to get them to appreciate light opera. I would prefer their little ears to stay clear of country, until they have been completely saturated in great opera music.

    I notice that when you were recounting your Winnipeg story to your father, you did not mention your aunt. Was she there? What you wrote on Tuesday about her, made it seem like she was not there most of the time you were there. Is there some kind of story you are leaving out? Trouble between your aunt and uncle, maybe? My daughters will love the gore, but I like the dirt.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I see you are trying to disparage me in writing again. Excellent work. I find that writing public criticisms of other people is a great way to keep the anger from spilling over into an actual physical action. You have learned something from your older brother after all.

    I would have to agree that you are usually not able to convince me of anything, but that is because you are too young to be able to put together a cogent argument. As you get older that will either improve; or you will, like mom does, resort to throwing things at my head. Mom won many an argument over the years with dad, thanks to him not being able to put forth a counter argument due to brain injury.

    As for that story about reading War and Peace when you were in kindergarten, I remember that time very well. “Aypo made mistake. Ate pages” says you. Dad says, “Look, Elly. Little April has eaten some pages out of my copy of War and Peace.” Mom says, “That was my copy from my university days. But that’s the way it should end.” Dad says, “What?” Mom says, “War and Peace should be concluded by a little child.” Dad says, “Awww!”

    By the way, just to let you know in case you haven’t heard, I will be sitting down and looking at mom’s old photo albums with my daughter starting next week. This is an activity that might run on for months, and I expect to look at photos of things I have never seen before. You know there have been times, when I could swear there were no photographs taken of our family before I was little, but apparently there are. Mom has kept them aside especially for me to show them to my daughter. Are there things you have wondered about how mom and dad got together? Normally I would say, “No,” because the idea of mom and dad being romantic turns my stomach. However, next week, I have a strange feeling mom and dad’s romance will be like the romance of the century. Fortunately, it was last century.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i read war and peace on my own when i was in kindy. it wasn't assigned. my kindy teacher was more in2 latin-american magical realism. gabriel garcia marquez and the like.

    howard, my aunt bev was around the whole time i was @ the farm, but she alwayz seemed a bit absent-minded and pre-occupied. like she was just sort of barely aware of my presence. i m not sure y.

    don't worry, i'm not suddenly in2 country music. that was totally my unk danny's idea. i didn't tell my dad abt the awesum "april patterson fest" cuz i didn't want 2 hear him criticize the totally cube music we had 4 that.


  • At 7:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, it was "aypo almost dun, 8 pages left!" but u were @ college when this happened, so prolly mom and dad misheard and told u the wrong thing.



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