So I useta B the part w/the tail? WTF?
So last nite, Mike ended up sticking me on a redeye flight back 2 Winni, cuz we got an urgent Corbeil-gram saying I was needed @ the farm.
So after I got no sleep last nite, my cousin Laura thot I shd get rite out an' ride the horses, brite an' early this morning. OK, I like riding horses, so I went.
As we were finishing up, I decided 2 channel Keanu Reeves, Everett Callahan (Dad's dental associate), and any number of other random ppl who've picked up the verbal tic, by going "Whoa! That was a great ride!!!" Laura was all, "U're doing well, April! U're PART of that horse, now!" I went, "I always was!" And I guess Laura didn't think I'd adequately accepted her compliment, cuz she went, "Yeah... But now U're the part w/the EARS!" So I useta B a horse LEG, eh? No, of course she meant I useta B its ARSE, but how rude is THAT? I know I didn't deserve that comment, which is Y I reacted by boggling my eyes. I was 2 sleep-deprived 2 formul8 a snappy come-back.
Gah. I need a nap, but I doubt I can get one.
Apes
So after I got no sleep last nite, my cousin Laura thot I shd get rite out an' ride the horses, brite an' early this morning. OK, I like riding horses, so I went.
As we were finishing up, I decided 2 channel Keanu Reeves, Everett Callahan (Dad's dental associate), and any number of other random ppl who've picked up the verbal tic, by going "Whoa! That was a great ride!!!" Laura was all, "U're doing well, April! U're PART of that horse, now!" I went, "I always was!" And I guess Laura didn't think I'd adequately accepted her compliment, cuz she went, "Yeah... But now U're the part w/the EARS!" So I useta B a horse LEG, eh? No, of course she meant I useta B its ARSE, but how rude is THAT? I know I didn't deserve that comment, which is Y I reacted by boggling my eyes. I was 2 sleep-deprived 2 formul8 a snappy come-back.
Gah. I need a nap, but I doubt I can get one.
Apes
Labels: Laura, stoopidity
posted by April Patterson @ 6:21 AM
9 Comments:
At 8:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Back to the farm and back to our cousin. I guess the fine people in Corbeil wanted you to be there for the picture of mom and her birthday cake. I understand the picture is going to be used for some commercial enterprise and they wanted you there for it. They love pictures of the whole family standing around mom for some reason. I was quite happy they decided to forget Grandpa Jim this last time, since we would have had to have changed the words for the "Happy Birthday" song to include "Boxcar" or some other Grandpa Jim obscenity.
As for our cousin Laura and her little joke, you naturally presumed "horse's ass" was the part about which she was speaking. Considering the ladies in the Patterson family, that makes perfect sense, except for my lovely wife, Deanna, of course. If I was the one riding the horse, cousin Laura would have been talking about some other body part. I understand Laura had her hair straightened, so she looks even less feminine than ever. Is that right? It must be such a pleasure to watch her ride a horse, with that massive, manly chin of hers, jutting in the wind.
Also, I hate to correct an expert horse-rider like yourself, but I believe "Whoa!" is where you tell the horse to stop.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I know you and your family usually respond to unkind remarks with snappy comebacks or eye-boggling. I don't mean to be unkind, but such a response usually encourages that kind of behaviour. I usually say something like, "Excuse me?" with a tone to let them know I don't appreciate being insulted.
I know next week, dearest future sister, you and I will separated into different schools, and although Cashwell Day School is no longer the excellent academic institution it once was, I think you would like it there. Equestrian is part of the weekly studies, because one of Cashwell's beliefs is that every young lady should learn how to comport herself properly on a horse. If you ever come out to visit me on a holiday, then we could have a lovely time riding together in our riding dresses, and of course I can find you a riding helmet, since you should never ride these days without the proper equipment, even if it makes a mess of your hair. If you fell off and hit your head, you might think nothing about proper behaviour and you might even insult people when you were planning to compliment them.
Is that what happened to your cousin? Did she ride without proper head protection and fall off and land on her head?
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 10:50 AM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, when i feel less sleep-deprived, i mite try yr "xxcuse me" suggestion, next time i m insulted. i don't know whether laura has ever suffered a head injury, but i suppose it's as gd an xxplanation as ne.
mike, laura h8's having a manly chin and is considering cosmetic surgery 2 reduce it.
apes
At 10:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
::sob::
At 1:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Weird. I normally accociate "Whoa" and other such verbal tics with glib young men in Milbourough. Isn't it weird how young men in that town are either really serious like your brother or Gordon, or they are flaky and dopey?
--Dawn
ps--I found your blog while looking for Liz on myspace. Why doesn't your sister have a profile up?
At 2:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
If you are riding your horse, and your horse like mine…a little Miss Literalist, you have to wear a helmet. My horse Lucy, is a talking pygmy Clydesdale horse and whenever I try to get her to jump, I usually end up on the ground. I would be brain-damaged, stupid if it wasn’t for the helmet. Don’t be an idiot. Wear a helmet, farm girl.
Danae Pyle
At 3:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
dawn, yeah, i've totally noticed that abt mboro guys.
not sure abt liz an' myspace. i think her likely answer wd hafta do w/"privacy," but it cd also b cuz of "lazy."
danae, thanx 4 the advice. 4 sum reason, the cruikshanks r v. anti-helmet, but i will c abt smuggling one in 4 myself.
apes
At 8:11 PM,
howard said…
April,
I think it’s finally time to tell how my supper with my Beatrice Alfarero ended. She had described to me how she had moved to Milborough to try to get a card like the one Elly Patterson used to rewrite history to make her a successful businesswoman, despite the fact she had none of the skills necessary and it cost her the heavy price of not being funny anymore. Beatrice hoped Elly would have a spare card, so she could rewrite history so her husband wouldn’t have died fighting over Afghanistan. One day she followed Elly and Elizabeth Patterson in the basement of Lilliput’s bookstore, which Elly used to own and where Beatrice currently works. According to Beatrice, Elly handed Elizabeth some cards and told her she needed to rewrite history. They didn’t know Beatrice was hiding, and could hear their every word.
I was completely fascinated by this story. I said, “So what did Elizabeth write?” Beatrice said, “The two of them talked about what they were going to write. Elly said, ‘Elizabeth. We have to do something about this problem with how people look at you and Anthony. Even a lot of the people who come to have coffee with me on a regular basis are not happy with him, and they usual go along with anything I say.’ Then they talked about what Elizabeth was supposed to write and I listened carefully.” I said, “What did they say?” Beatrice said, “Anthony actually used to love his ex-wife. Their divorce was because she was trying to change Anthony and her parents were trying to change her to make her have a baby and live in Milborough. Also, there was no blame for Elizabeth or Anthony’s part in the divorce. The moral of the story is it is wrong to try and change people.” I said, “That’s a pretty big change from what they had before. The moral of the story seems more than a little ironic. Then what happened?”
Beatrice said, “Elizabeth signed the cards, and Elly and Elizabeth looked around like they were expecting something to happen, and it didn’t. Then Elly said, ‘You’ve never actually told me what your part was in breaking up Anthony and his wife was, even though I asked you again and again. You have to give this card to someone you have told.’ Then she hmphed. Elizabeth said she didn’t have anything to do with Anthony breaking up with his ex-wife, and she has never told anyone anything which would say she did. But Elly insisted she must have, or the card would have worked. She suggested her brother, Michael, or her sister April (you), or her former dance partner, Dennis North. Elizabeth said, ‘I never told anyone of those people I was involved. The most I ever did was hint a little.’ But Elly persisted and said, ‘It has to be someone.’ Then Elizabeth suddenly said, ‘How could I be so stupid? Of course, Candace!’ She got up and made a phone call to Candace, asking her to meet her at her apartment. Elly said, ‘You told Candace and you didn’t tell me?!’ Elizabeth said, ‘Back after New Years Eve 2002, I was on the bus back to school with Candace and I told her the real situation. How could I have been so stupid? I thought I hadn’t told anyone. I tried really hard to make sure no one would think I knew what was really going on. Trust no one, you always said mom. I goofed and told Candace.’ Elly said, ‘That’s all right, dear. You take these cards to Candace and you will fix the whole thing right up.’”
I said, “What happened next?” Beatrice said, “Then Elizabeth and Elly left, but I noticed they dropped a spare card on the floor. I went to pick it up.” I said, “Fantastic. So you can fill it out and bring your husband back to life.” Beatrice said, “Not exactly. There is a clause on the card which says the dead have to stay dead.” I said, “Well, that sucks. So what are you going to use the card for?” Beatrice said, “Wait a minute. Elizabeth Patterson should have her conversation with Candace Halloran any minute now. We should be able to feel it.”
Then the weirdest thing happened and I could feel it in my spine down to my toes. After a few minutes, Beatrice said, “Tell me about your history, Howard.” I said, “Well, I work at Portrait Magazine, which is a job I have had since Michael Patterson laid himself off. Before that I worked at Lakeshore Landscaping for Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne.” Beatrice said, “Do you remember working with Elizabeth Patterson?” Then I had the strangest feeling, like there were two histories there. I said, “Yes. I remember thinking she was very attractive and I should ask her on a date, even though I was gay and I almost never find women attractive, except for you, of course. But she was pretty cold to me, so I gave up.” Then something struck me and I said, “No, wait. I have a sort of memory I attacked her, and then Anthony Caine defended her by tweaking my ear. And I remember someone telling me that after Anthony Caine defended Elizabeth, he told her to wait for him to leave his wife, just 5 months after she had given birth to their daughter.” Beatrice said, “Which one is the right memory?” I said, “Well, that’s easy to figure out.” Then I pulled out the specially embossed, Lakeshore Landscaping key ring Lawrence Poirier gave me when I was working for him. It says, “Howard Bunt, Employee of the Year, 2005.” I showed it to Beatrice and I said, “I think this proves I left Lakeshore Landscaping on good terms.” Then Beatrice said, “Elizabeth Patterson has rewritten history, where Anthony Caine and she are blameless in his divorce, and it has affected you.” I said, “You mean my other memory was the old reality?” Beatrice said, “Yes. Only a completely worthless piece of scum, would ask a girl to help him cheat on his wife, right after she had been attacked. Now the whole thing didn’t happen. Anthony Caine didn’t do anything wrong in his marriage, and you didn’t attack Elizabeth to set that up.”
I said, “That’s amazing. Those cards are so powerful; to be able to change reality like that, just to make someone seem nicer than they actually are. It seems like a waste of time. I mean it’s not like it makes any difference to Anthony and Elizabeth getting married. So what are you going to do with yours? You’re way too smart to waste it on something like what Elizabeth Patterson did.” Then Beatrice said, “Tell me about your life, Howard. Do you have a girlfriend?” I said, “As a matter of fact, I just bought a house with a girl, who is my fiancée. Becky McGuire, the pop singer. You may have heard of her.” Beatrice said, “And she accepts the fact you are gay?” I said, “Yes. She wants someone to take care of things, which I can do; and I want children, which she can do. And we get along really well.” Beatrice said, “She is what? 16 years old.” I said, “Marriages are still legal at 16, if the parents agree.” Beatrice said, “Where is she now?” I said, “She’s on the last leg of her performance tour before school starts.” I said, “Why are you so interested in Becky?”
Beatrice said, “The answer is written on this card.” And she handed a card to me and said, “After I broke up with you, I never stopped loving you, even when I was married. You never stopped loving me, either. When I moved to Milborough in October, 2004; we ran into each other unexpectedly at my work, when you came into buy some books for a friend. You asked me out to dinner, and we realized we found something we had lost. We went on family dates; you me and my daughters. You always wanted children and my daughters adored you. You captivated me; but I feared I could not trust you, and your desires for men and to wear women’s clothing. One day in August, 2005, you found Elizabeth Patterson, one of your fellow workers at Lakeshore Landscaping to be attractive and you asked her out. She turned you down, but it made you realize that you were not gay and you no longer wanted to wear women’s clothes. On New Years’ Eve 2006, you proposed to me at a party where Elizabeth Patterson was in attendance. She saw you with me, happy like she could have been with you, and the thought of it caused her to throw herself at you over and over again and then she become stinking drunk when you ignored her. It was a sign you had gotten over her completely. We married in June, 2006 and you adopted my daughters as your own. When you got the job at Portrait Magazine, we finally had a job that paid better than landscaping assistant or bookstore employee, and we got a house together. We couldn’t be happier or more in love.”
Then I got this weird feeling like something was changing me all over. I said, “You changed my history. I can feel it. Why did you do that?” Beatrice said, “I have always loved you. My daughters need a father. I need a husband. I am tired of being alone.” I said, “But I still remember Becky.” Beatrice said, “Oh, Howard. She was not for you. She’s 16 years old. Besides, you love me and you always did.”
I was pretty upset after that. So, I called up Becky on her cell phone. I said, “Becky, honey. This is Howard. Do you remember me?” Then Becky said, “Howard who?” I said, “Howard Bunt.” She said, “Whoa! I have this weird feeling. I remember we were engaged to be married. No. Hold on! I remember you were the creepy guy who wanted to date April’s sister. Everyone thought you were going to attack her. Why are you calling me, creep?” And then she hung up.
And then I got this overwhelming feeling that because I called up Becky, I was cheating on Beatrice. And I ran over to Beatrice and told her I was so sorry I called up Becky. And Beatrice said, “Don’t worry about it, Howard. When you love someone, you can accept it when people make little mistakes.” I felt so much better she had forgiven me.
So, now I am married and I have 2 adopted daughters. I know it has taken me a long time to finish telling you this story, but it has been very emotional for me.
Why am I telling you this story? Oh, right. I remember now. You were baby-sitting for me and Beatrice one night and… Hum! I think it was when I met you at Lakeshore Landscaping, when you told me to stop hitting on your sister, and…Hum! I remember now. You came to a jam session with the guys at the music store and I was there too, and we hit it off because we both liked music and…Hum! Your dog stepped on some glass and I helped you carry him to Mr. Singh’s store and then…I just can’t get my head around it. I just know I needed to tell you this story, and I had to tell it to you this week, like it was my last chance. Strange.
By the way, if you are back in town from Winnipeg by this weekend, Beatrice would love for you to baby-sit for us. The girls just love you. You are the best.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 9:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, so now u r married 2 beatrice? and not engaged 2 becky? and. . . .
w8, was i @ yr wedding? suddenly i have this memory of b-ing @ yr wedding. even tho i don't remember that memory b-ing there b4 i read yr post.
well, kiss the girls 4 me and tell them "auntie april" misses them!
w8, what?
apes
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