April's Real Blog

Friday, August 24, 2007

Wherein Candace chugs the Kool Aid

So, more abt Candace chit-chatting w/Liz abt Anthony and Thérèse's marriage. Liz told Anthony, "Anthony bought Gordon's house and fixed it up. Even tho he planned 2 sell it sumday, Thérèse wasn't happy. She wanted 2 live in the city." Candace was all, "Y didn't they work all that out B4hand?" And Liz sed, "I don't know, Candace." [In case Candace mighta 4gotten her own name 4 a mo there.] Then Liz continued with, "Her mom desperately wanted grandchildren, and her dad kept saying that a house was a gd investment. Being an only child, I think she did many things 4 their sake." Oh, w8, this is a total retcon, ppl. Every1 knows that ANTHONY was all abt having a baby. Oh, and look, T. is all messed up cuz of having been an only. Liz, I guess U better rush in and help Anthony save Françoise from the awful f8 of only-child syndrome.

NEway, Liz sez she folded her arms across her chest and told Candace, "So, there U go again.... U can't change ppl. U have 2 take them as they R." And Candace, chugging a mug that musta been filled with that special Corbeil Kool Aid, was all, "And eventually Thérèse took Anthony 4 all she cd get!" Bwuh? Did she go 2 a Patterson re-education camp? Cuz this doesn't sound like str8-shooting Candace, who C's thru the bull. Let's look @ the facts. Thérèse is the driven career woman, remember? She makes more money than Anthony did. She walked out and left Anthony the house and everything in it. How is that taking him 4 all she cd get? That makes no sense!


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  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I see you don’t understand how it is that Thérèse could have taken Anthony for all she could get. First of all you think that just because a woman prefers her career to taking care of children that automatically means she makes more money than a man like Anthony Caine who has a career, but can still find the time to take care of his little half-Quebecoise child. You have forgotten one very important thing, which is that Anthony Caine works for Gordon Mayes, who owes his business to money mom and dad put into it years ago.

    Let’s says you’re mom and dad, and your daughter’s childhood sweetheart has stupidly gone off and decided to marry a Quebecoise woman. Then let’s say you learn that this Quebecoise woman doesn’t want to live in Milborough, but after graduation she wants to live in the city and take your daughter’s childhood sweetheart, who should by all rights be engaged to your daughter and not married to her, far away from where your daughter can see him on a regular basis and be reminded of him. What would you do? Would you perhaps hint to a man for whom your daughter’s childhood sweetheart had been working all through university, the man who owns his business thanks to your financial investments, that maybe he should offer this childhood sweetheart a job so lucrative he would be a fool to turn it down? Or maybe he should sell him a house so cheaply, you would have to be an idiot to ignore the investment opportunity? Or both?

    Now think about something else. The Quebecoise woman was into money management, investing, stock market and that kind of thing. If you are woman, living in Milborough, and you were known for having thrown away the investment of a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband like Anthony Caine; who, in their right mind, would want to use you to invest or manage their money? Probably only the Kelpfroths, Krelbutzs, and Bunts of the world. How much money can you make, if villains are your only clients?

    Plus you have to think about the phrase, “taken Anthony for all she could get.” If you read it carefully, you will realize it doesn’t mean she actually got much; but that all she could get, she got. There may be some places in Canada, where people will give someone from Quebec all they want, but Milborough is not one of those places. Sometimes I think Milborough is a town which is different from all the rest of Canada, and it makes me proud to live here.

    So, formerly little sis. If you think about carefully, you will realize what Candace said is a perfectly reasonable statement.

    Michael Patterson

    P.S. (Are you getting a concession from Kool-Aid brand soft drinks for your Blog? If so, do you think they would be willing to give me money to mention Kool-Aid in my next book Breaking the Wind Jammer? I think Leonard Driscoll may discover he likes the stuff, if there some money in it.

  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    I always thought my virginity was something special to be given away to The One.

    Unfortunately, I was fooled into sex, whining until we got a house in the suburbs, whining until we started a family, and whining every time she wanted to go to the symphony or the opera instead of the Chuck & Tater on date nights. It was very demeaning to me to do all that whining.

    She took my precious virginity and my self respect. If that isn't "everything" I don't know what is.


  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno, mike, i think it's poss that the kool-aid peeps mite pay u NOT 2 mention their products in ne of yr writing. mayB u oughta look in2 that.

    anthony, when u whine w/liz, does she act like that's a turn-on?


  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I think I can understand your sister’s point about not being able to change people. I think if you are going to select a spouse, it should be one who has all the qualifications necessary to do the job and do it well. It also helps if you don’t have too many qualifications. For example, I really only cared if my spouse had a trust fund and was single, and my fiancé Bronson van Daam fits those specifications to a tee.

    I have been baby-sitting for Mr. Caine long enough to know that if a girl wanted to live in the city and not in a house in Milborough, or if she was particular about the way her husband dressed and ate, or if she didn’t want children, or if her tastes ran more toward ballroom dancing and classical music; Mr. Caine might not be the best choice for her. In fact, he could possibly be the worst choice a person like that could make in a spouse.

    On the other hand, if there was a girl who was notorious for dressing like a slob, or who was known for eating like a pig, or whose aspiration is to be barefoot and pregnant, or who wanted spend the rest of her life living in a house in Milborough, and whose taste in music placed more of an emphasis on loudness and crunching noises than melody; then she would find Mr. Caine to be an exceptional match. Perhaps she could not find a man to better match her than Mr. Caine.

    From what I can tell your sister is perfect for Mr. Caine. I think they will be very happy together, except Mr. Caine might have to find some other place to put his enormous collection of porn DVDs than in the living room. Then again, maybe not, if your sister means what she says about not changing someone.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think I might be up to telling a little more about my supper conversation with Beatrice Alfarero. However, I should mention that I do use Thérèse Caine to invest my money, so maybe your brother is not so far off the mark. Most of the regular financial investors in Milborough would have nothing to do with me, but not Thérèse. She said she understood what it was like to be a villain, and that villains needed investment plans too.

    Anyway, Beatrice was in the mood to talk about her dead husband, which is always a bad sign for how a conversation is going to go. You may remember, he was a Navy pilot, stationed in San Diego, who died during an operation in Afghanistan. She met him in Cancun, while she was recovering from our relationship. They had a quickie wedding and the next thingy you know, he bought a house there. Beatrice said his plan was to fix the house up, and then sell it quickly to take advantage of the California housing market. Supposedly houses increase in value there at some outrageous rate. Beatrice’s parents thought it was an excellent idea. Her dad is very much into real estate investments. Beatrice liked the idea too, but she soon ran into problems when she realized her husband’s idea of fixing up a house is to tear up his yard with a shovel, and the house actually went down in value.

    In the meantime, Beatrice’s mom started pressuring her to have children, and so did her husband. For the servicemen in the United States serving in Afghanistan or Iraq, there was sense that if they did not have children while they had a chance, then they may never have a chance. Beatrice had a brother and a sister, but they were living in Canada, and she was the only child her parents could visit without having to deal with U.S. / Canadian border issues. So she had a daughter. And then because her husband wasn’t dead yet, she had another daughter. I imagine if her husband hadn’t been killed, Beatrice would still be in San Diego up to her ears with children.

    I asked Beatrice why she hadn’t worked out her issues with having children beforehand with her husband, and she told me, “Howard. People change. The only people who don’t change are dead. You can make plans all you want, but when a war comes along, you have to adjust.”

    So, then I said, “What does all this history have to do with why you asked me to have supper with you?” Beatrice said, “I just wanted you to know that if you have heard stories about me, or gotten impressions from me, maybe heard rumours I was a jealous bitch, or heard that my husband was the only one who wanted me to have children, or heard I was the kind of person who would drive a man crazy with trying to turn him into the kind of man I wanted instead of the kind of man he is; those kinds of things aren’t true anymore. What I just told you is the truth.” I said, “You’re saying anything I may remember about you or I have seen you do, didn’t really happen the way I remember it or saw it?” Beatrice said, “Yes. That’s right Howard. What I just told you is the way it was, not what you remember seeing before.”

    So, then I said, “Why would a woman as intelligent and well-respected as you say such a stupid thing and expect people to go along with it?” Beatrice said, “Well I should have known you wouldn’t go along with it. But at Lilliputs’, there is a group of people who come in and have coffee every weekday with Elly Patterson, and they believed every word.” I said, “Elly Patterson. That figures.” Beatrice said, “With you Howard, I would be happy if you took all you could get from me.” I said would try and believe, if it would make her happy. After all, what does the past have to do with enjoying supper?

    Then we talked some more, but I am getting too emotional to continue again. Maybe more tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, honoria, i'll bet liz will try 2 change anthony when it comes 2 those "special" dvd's.

    howard, i have met sum of thoze ppl who have coffee w/my mom. they r sum scary ppl.



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