April's Real Blog

Saturday, November 24, 2007

I don't wanna give her NEmore time!

So remember how I told U that after I tripped over the tricycle, Liz started 2 drag me back 2 her apt 2 force more stories on me? And how I was all yelling 4 sum1 2 call the police cuz I was being kidnapped? Well, sum1 called, and while I was still struggling, a police car pulled up. And out of the car came Brad Luggsworth. He was all, "Liz Patterson? Y R U kidnapping yr sister?" And Liz went, "I M not kidnapping her. I M sharing stories from the past. It's a new thing we Pattersons started this fall. Instead of just living our everyday lives like we used 2, we are taking breaks 2 tell stories abt our past."

Brad was all, "Oh, rite, I heard sumthing abt this. Yr Aunt Bev was calling my family members and ppl who useta know us back in the day, so she cd write an xxtended bio abt me 4 yr mother's website. Have U had NE stories abt me pummeling Michael yet?"

Liz was all, "No, we haven't gotten up 2 thoze days yet."

"So what story were you about 2 force on, er, share with April?"

"Oh, U R in 4 a treat," Liz sed, and then she had 4 thot bubbles. 1st one had Mom sewing and a speech balloon coming from outside of the room--"What makes U so doggone good all the time, 'Lizabeth?" 2nd thot bubble showed Mom peeking in2 the hallway where Mike sat w/baby Nizzie while saying "All U do is crawl around all day being icky-cute!" 3rd bubble zoomed in on Mike and lil Liz as Mike had a speech bubble shouting that Liz never got in2 trub. 4th thot bubble had Mom back in her original location thot bubbling, "--SIGH-- Give her time."

Brad was like, "R U saying U actually remember all this from when U were a little baby?"

Liz shook her head, looking all sullen, and I xxplained abt the script. Brad was all, "Yr mom, eh?" Liz and I both nodded. Then I asked him if he was going 2 arrest Liz 4 kidnapping, and he shook his head an' sed there was no way he was gonna interfere w/Patterson bizness.

And that was it 4 that story. But as U can C, there is no closure in site, and this endless flashbacking is killing my spirit. I need a break from telling U this boring, ptless shizz, from that boring, endless day about 4 wks ago. So I M gonna do my usual Sunday post, and then I M gonna take a break from daily blogging until I can finally tell U how the day of reminiscing ENDED.


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  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I'd say that sweet, sweet relief is in sight. After all, since the month is almost over, so is the flashbacking and thought-bubbling. You'll be talking about her and Anphony in no time.

  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u mite be rite, dc2. i hope so. . . .


  • At 12:43 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Here you see the difference in fine story-telling between me and my slightly older little sister, Elizabeth. Whereas my month of flashbacking with my daughter looking at photo albums and talking about our interminable trip to visit Grandpa Jim and Gramma Marian and the reintroduction of Super Teddy into our lives had all your readers in rapt attention; a story about the nonspeaking, crawling Elizabeth has nearly broken your story-telling spirit (and who can blame you). Since the memo from mom and the Johnston Institute of Better Living has indicated that our forays into our past will last every other month, I expect that this next week will be another round of it (although I have not viewed this particular memo, because it was sent to you and the Lizardbreath).

    However, I know just how important our family's history is to your readers, and if you so desire, I can easily be bribed into getting ahold of Elizabeth's script and writing a daily synopsis for you for this coming week. And by bribed, I mean baby-sitting whenever we desire it this week. If you decide you want to bring over Jeremy Jones to help you baby-sit; then if he could refinish those kitchen cabinets he started the last time he helped you baby-sit, I am sure my lovely Deanna would find his presence acceptable if there was cabinet-refinishing involved. Let me know what you decide.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, remembah we r watchin' the leafs play phoenix 2nite @7 pm on cbc (hd), which ur bro duz not have @hiz place. don't agree 2 do ne baby-sittin' 2nite, eh? if ur tellin' a story on ur blog 'bout ur brother's kids, it needz 2b 'bout ur bro or ur sil takin' care of them.

    that soundz kinda like i'm ur boss & tellin' u wut 2 do, like gerald usedta do, so i don't wanna b like that. thass bossy stuff iz not wut i mean. i mean i kinda arranged 4 my 'rents 2 not b in the house 2 bothah us, & i wud rilly like 4 ur bro not 2 mess that up. it's not like ur bro haz asked u2 baby-sit 2nite, but give him time & he will. u can skip if u rilly hafta, but i been kinda thinkin' of it like our 1 month anniversary 4 b-ing friends & d8in' & i kinda hope u can b here cuz...well i'm gonna make dinner & stuff. well, i rilly hope u can come.

  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I can completely sympathize with your situation. I know the Patterson style of story-telling is one where each little bit is broken off and force fed to you from my days when I used to work with your sister at Lakeshore Landscaping. The crowd gathered around the lunch table would clear out in an instant, if there was even a hint that your sister was going to start a story talking about herself or her past.

    I remember once seeing your sister working the heavy equipment and I questioned Lawrence Poirier about how your sister was assigned to drive the heavy equipment (even though she was not licenced to do it). I remember his rejoinder quite clearly, "You listen to her tell a story about her past a little bit at a time over weeks, and see if you don't put her on noisy equipment, Howard!" Lawrence Poirier is not usually one to lose his temper, particularly when it comes to his family; so if your sister telling a story through thought balloons can fluster him into putting your sister to work in a place where she could be easily injured and possibly die, then those stories must be mind-numbingly horrible to have to listen to in person. I perfectly understand why you might need a break from it. In fact, when you get right down to it, I think it is fairly safe to say that only the most mutton-headed coffee drinkers in the world could tolerate this material for any length of time. Having said that, maybe your brother is a good choice for reinterpreting this material.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard Bunt,

    Mr. Bunt. Are you calling me a "mutton-headed coffee drinker"? I will have you know that my head does not in the slightest way resemble mutton. If anything, I am told my visage is much more reminiscent of the noble beaver (without the tail of course).

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You are quite right. Tail-less beaver is a much better description for your head. Please accept my apologies.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, hey ppl, i m @ jeremy's. 4tunately my bro did not try an' get me 2 babysit 2nite. i told mike that i m not interested in "bribing" him, but that if he wants 2 jump in w/the stories he's welcome 2 it. and that if he wants me 2 babysit, he hasta ask me @ least 24 hrs in advance and pay me my usual babysitting rate.

    howard, i m glad u understand how bad the storytelling gets!


  • At 11:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, coyotes 5 leafs 1. how r the leafs evah gonna live that 1 down? they can't evn beat peeps who play hockey in the desert. i wuz glad u were w/me 2 calm me down.

    oh, just 2 make sure i got wut u told xxactly rite: the ring i gave u4 our 1 month anniversary of friendship w/d8s is just a friendship ring & it duzn't mean nething othah than that. just friendship. thass all. only friendship. if i sed nethin’ like b-ing a gf, i rilly meant just friendship, eh?

    'course i hafta admit i still get surprized almost everytyme i do sumthin' & u say, "i d8ed gerald for 4 years & he nevah did this." i get it that gerald prolly nevah gave u a friendship ring, since he prolly wuzn't aftah "friendship". but sum of the othah stuff is...well, not rite. "gerald nevah got me a drink frum the refrigerator & put it in a glass." "gerald nevah let me hold the remote." "gerald nevah let me eat the last cheezy-puff." “gerald nevah made me dinner w/o ne meat in it.” i think sum guyz wud kinda b a little mad their friend talked 'bout her ex-bf a lot. but cuz wenevah u say, "gerald nevah sumthin’" aftah i do sumthin' "gerald nevah" did; then ur rilly, rilly nice 2 me, i gotta say i hope i keep doin' thingz gerald nevah did. i know if u give me enuff tyme, there’s prolly sumthin’ i do like gerald did, but i hope it’s a long tyme frum now.


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