April's Real Blog

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Mom Remembers Grubberware

Mom sez that when she was out shopping recently, she saw a display of Grubberware in the Mega*Mart. The sign was all, "Grubberware since 1975." The display caused Mom 2 have a memory from the l8 1970s, when she went 2 a Grubberware party where a grey-haired, bunned, bespectacled lady w/tiny feet had a sign w/"Grubberware The Home Cleanup Company" on it. The items she had in her display were a bucket, rubber gloves, a sponge, a plunger, a scrub brush, a jar, a container that kinda looked like it shd have overpriced shampoo in it, and another that looked like it shd have perfume in it.

Mom remembers that the grey-haired saleslady held up the sponge and sed, "Ladies! The Grubberware ppl present a new concept in cleanup!" She also remembers the lady holding up the pink bucket and being all, "Inspect this all-plastic cleanup container. Only $7.98 postpaid." Then Mom remembers holding and opening the perfume-looking bottle as the saleslady sed, "Our apothecary-style cleanser-disinfectant is a bargain this month and is included ::FREE:: with every pair of Grubberware hand savers!"

Then, Mom remembers the saleslady holding the plunger and continuing w/"...our hostess receives a free set of matching grub-brushes, w/every $10 purchase," this while the woman who was hosting the party carried a tray w/little pink pastries on it. Mom remembers smiling @ her and reaching 4 a pastry while holding a cup of tea. As the hostess-lady smilingly took the teapot back 2 the kitchen, Mom's memory also had the saleslady writing up orders while smiling and sitting on a chair--Mom calling out, "Er... I'll order ... one pink plunger and a can of Grubberware spring-song cleanser." Finally, Mom remembers coming home 2 Dad, who was lounging on his recliner and reading the paper, and greeting her with "Hi, honey! ...How was yr evening out?" She sed 2 me, "Can U believe that?!?!?! I spent the entire evening listening to a salespitch on products 2 keep the house clean, and he thinx of it as 'an evening out.' MEN!"

I was all, "Mom, if a product is gonna rhyme with "Tupperware," why isn't it a system of food-storage containers? Why on earth is it overpriced cleaning products w/improbable names for common items?" And Mom sed, "They're less likely 2 B sued that way." I sed, "Oh. So, U usedta go 2 these parties and then buy sumthing cuz of, like, peer pressure." Mom was like, "Xxactly." I sed, "U set such a gr8 xxample." Mom sed, "Yes, I do." Sumtymez she is just as immune 2 sarcasm as Mike. Well, almost, NEway.


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  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    At least she isn't allergic to thinking. Just like Mike got his immunity to sarcasm from your Mom, Liz got that from your dad. Neither one of them want to look too far past the surfaces of what they see. To people like them, having to adjust their thinking to suit changing conditions is gross buckets.

  • At 3:32 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am little bit embarrassed to say this, but I love the Grubberware parties and their products. Whenever my wife, Beatrice, is invited to one, I always try to get invited too. I don’t know why these parties are almost always for women. They play little games, and oftentimes the hostess will bring out some of her finest little party recipes to sample, while we look at the Grubberware product; so there is plenty that a man can love about the activity and the socializing. Since we moved into your neighbourhood back in the summer, I have been to at least one party a month. It’s a great way to meet the neighbours, too. I am sure you will not be surprised to hear that no one invites your mom to these kinds of parties, primarily due to her attitude about them when she was a young mother, like the story you just described. Apparently there was a party years ago where your mother said something to the effect of, “If I had a [male body part], I would spend my evenings out [doing anything else but this].” I have bracketed where I believe she used other not-as-nice-words.

    I told Beatrice I could probably do pretty well selling Grubberware, but she just gives me a strange look when I say that. You know, April, I like a clean house, and most other products cannot stand up to the strain my need to clean puts upon them. There was a time in my life when I thought sniffing the Grubberware Spring-Song cleanser made me just a little too happy; but I have since learned that cleaning just gives me an endorphin rush.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Mom may have a bad memory of Grubberware parties, but that is not a trait which has been passed down to my wife, the lovely Deanna. She goes to every one of those kinds of parties to which she has been invited. Mom may not have liked having an evening out, but Deanna definitely does. She often says she wished people would have more of those parties. This last week, she was gone Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. You may think that I, as her husband, will put my foot down and stop these shenanigans, because our house has a few too many of these party items in it. Instead of confronting Deanna directly, mom decided she would tell you her Grubberware party story, and then when Deanna reads it in your blog, she will realize the error of her ways.

    I know what you’re thinking: This may be too aggressive for a Patterson, since you didn’t change the names of the people in your story to alternative names. But, golly darn it, a man has to stand up for himself against his wife from time-to-time. I can’t just be railroaded into another set of matching Grub-brushes. I’m a best-selling author!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i will come ovah 2 ur house 2 help u clean aftah i finish fixin’ this cabinet door for my mom. i dunno if we use the grubberware stuff @my house, but i can check the stuff 2c if there’s a grubberware logo on it. duz it make ne diff wut i bring ovah?

    i know ur on a little bit on a cleanin’ kick, cuz u told me u went 2 ur sis’ apartment aftah u did laundry w/her & it was clean. 4 the 1st tyme in ur life evah u saw ur sis livin’ sumplace which wuzn’t a total wreck. i don’t think i evah knew it wuz a mattah of pride 4u2b cleaner than ur sis, but i guess thass 1 of those thingz peeps kinda took 4 granted. u know, ur sis wuz a slob, & u were the neat 1. i guess ne1 who saw ur room & ur sis’ room cud figger it out rilly quick, eh? most peeps prolly don’t look @thingz that carefully. ‘course i do, but thass just cuz u know, u can tell a lot ‘bout sum1 frum the way their room iz. i can tell frum ur room, ur totally cube & u like 2 take snacks in ur room & eat them on the bed. not that the crumbs r rilly noticeable, it’s just i am rilly tryin’ 2 learn more ‘bout u, so i pay more attention, eh? most guys who go n2 ur room, prolly nevah notice the crumbs. ‘course there’s prolly not a lotta guys who have evn been in ur room, eh? u told me gerald has nevah evn been 2 ur new house & i’ll bet duncan’s not been in there v. much either. i know duncan spent a lotta tyme in ur old house helpin’ u set up ur room, but he prolly hazn’t been 2 ur new room much. haz he?

    neway, aftah we’re done there, all those crumbs will be gone & u’ll be cleaner than ur sis again. just outa curiosity, u know, when u saw me washin’ dishes @my house & that kinda got u xxcited, do u do the same 4 seein’ a guy use a vacuum?

  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, nope, they r not flexible thinkers.

    howard, there was also an incident in 1983, when anne nichols and my mom co-hosted a grubberware party, and dad an' steve nichols thot it wd b funny 2 scare the guests by peeping in2 a window while wearing their halloween costumes. but one of the ladies ended up slugging them on the head w/a frying pan. (which, contrary 2 what sum ppl think, liz never did w/eric. that other girl, tina, threatened him w/a cooking pot, but didn't actually hit him).

    neway, ever since then, i think the grubberware company has banned mom, dad, and the nicholses from particip8ing in ne and all grubberware events.

    jeremy, it was never ne effort 2 b neater than liz b4. this all took me by surprise. and 2 answer yr question, i don't think i've ever c'n a guy vacuuming, so we will hafta test 2 find out my reaction, eh?


  • At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    MCDunC, call me!!!


  • At 5:15 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, all i can say iz...wenevah u need sum1 2 vacuum ur room, i'll do it. all u hafta say iz “vaccum” & i’ll b there.

    oh & i rilly appreci8 u lockin' the door on ur room while i wuz vacuumin’ & not just 4 the reasn u think (evn tho that is a rilly good reasn.) i didn’t like the way ur mom wuz lookin’ thru the door @me vacuumin’ ur room, kinda like i wuz sum kinda pastry or sumthin’. & then aftah u locked the door, wen she started poundin’ on the door & sayin’, “iz jeremy vacuumin’ ur room, april? what’s he doin’? iz he dustin’ 2? iz he washin’ the windows? can i come in? april! huh? i know ur in there w/a man who iz cleanin’!” i wuz rilly glad wen she finally gave up & left.

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger howard said…


    A ban by the Grubberware people would make sense, given the story you described. I can’t imagine as an outside company, they would understand that the frying pan is the main mode of defence used by Milborough women. And I would say it is far more effective than the ear-tweaking mode of defence used by some Milborough men. I hope you are keeping up your self-defence practice. You never know when you may have to beat off some guy with a frying pan. You cannot necessarily count on having a friend wielding a cooking pot to back you up, like your sister did. Both my girls, María and Ana, take lessons at the Milborough Martials Arts and Culinary Academy.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u shda heard my mom an' dad after u left. "john, it IS possible 4 a man 2 vacuum! u were lying when u sed men r physically incapable of using a vacuum cleaner! april's friend jeremy jones was in her room, vacuuming!" and dad was all, "darn jones kid!" u were v. hott when u vacuumed, btw.

    howard, don't worry. every semester in p.e. @ r.p. boire, there is a unit where the girls an' boys r divided in2 separate classes. the girls hafta learn self defense w/cookware, and the boys hafta learn defensive ear tweaking.


  • At 7:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u were v. hott when u watched me vacuum. that sounds kinda funny, but it’s true. i mean, there wuz 1 spot where the vacuum wuz gettin’ up a lotta crumbs & makin’ that noise vacuumz do wen they pick up a lotta stuff & i looked ovah @u & u were lickin’ ur lips, & i thot 4 just a moment the idea of all thoze crumbs was makin’ u hungry cuz mebbe u hadn’t eaten in awhile. i then i took a good look at kinda ur body language & i got a pretty good idea it wuz sumthin’ diff. u were rilly workin’ the furniture polish & the dust rag & that line u used wuz gr8. “jeremy. i’m feelin’ a little dusty.” & then the othah part u sed which i won’t repeat cuz peeps read this stuff. i gotta say i am nevah lookin’ at dustin’ the same way.

    ok. i gotta change the subject, cuz it’s…u know. i gotta tell u i h8, rilly, rilly h8 defensive ear tweaking class, especially the sparring. it’s like the kinda self-defence a 60-year-old woman w/no imagination wud think of.

  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i totally h8 the cookware sparring! the cleaning was, mmm, well, u know.



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