April's Real Blog

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes

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10 Comments:

  • At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Françoise Caine said…

    April, my Maman just picked me up. She has the most delightful mother-daughter day planned for us! My Papa chased after our car for about seven blocks before collapsing in the middle of the street. I do hope that he is not injured.

    Françoise Caine

     
  • At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Tracey Mayes said…

    Don't worry, Francie, I found him at the corner of Bumblefreak Rd. and Triflesnarkin Lane. He was sobbing pretty hard, but I brought him home and put him to bed. I think he'll be okay. He's sleeping now.

    Tracey Mayes

     
  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Francie,

    I hope that you and your maman have fun today. I am going to have fun with my mummy today. We are going to clean out the grease trap at her restaurant and then we are going to the airport with my Uncle Duncan to say goodbye to his girlfriend Bambi.

    Your friend,
    Andy

     
  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Thanx 4 keeping my sekrit. Score 1 4 real me, Silhouette D00d doesnt no that I will b @ the airport 2 meet Bambis plane. No way he can mess it up 4 me now the planes in the air.

    Silhouette Mom is cooking a special meal 4 sum special doctor d00d whos visiting us 2nite. She borrowed a bunch of yr moms recipes. I think Seafood Surprise is on the menu. I dont care, Im going out 4 dinner w/ Bambi. My gf. Not Silhouette D00d's gf.

    L8r.

    The Real Duncan Anderson

     
  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, dunc, no prob abt keeping yr secret. glad yr plan is going well!

    apes

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Françoise Caine said…

    Thank you, Andy! I am having a lovely day with my maman. We went to a charming café in Toronto, and I told her about the philosophical discussion I took part in last night. Maman was quite concerned that no one brought up René Descartes and his "Cogito." She feels that in honour of my French heritage, I should understand the idea of "cogito ergo sum" ("Je pense donc je suis" in French and "I think therefore I am" in English).

    But I am afraid our conversation got slightly sidetracked after I posited that perhaps the Cogito proves that Elizabeth Patterson does not exist. Maman said, "I think I know why you've reached that conclusion. However, it is not quite fair to suggest that Elizabeth Patterson does not think at all. Her thoughts might be quite basic and severely limited, but they are thoughts nonetheless. So by Descartes's formulation, she does exist."

    We just left a very nice playground and we are on our way to a bookstore. I am so behind in my pleasure reading!

    Françoise Caine

     
  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Do you see what I have to put up with, April? How awful, Frenchy telling that evil career-woman mother of hers that I don't exist!

    It's bad enough that Mom yelled at me for texting with Anthony throughout our brunch. It's not my fault he needed my moral support. He'd had Mother's Day all planned out. He'd had his lawyer tell Thérèse's lawyer that since I would one day be Frenchy's new mommy, that Thérèse's visitation for today should be cancelled so that Anthony and Frenchy could focus on making the day special for me. But of course, the mean judge had to rule in favour of Thérèse's meanie lawyer, and now Anthony's all depressed and taken to his bed for the day.

    And things are so bad at my school! My grade four students had to take a big test to assess their learning in maths and English this year. According to the test results, only five percent of my students have progressed so they'll be ready for grade five in the fall. 40% showed no improvement at all, and 55% actually got worse than they were at the end of grade 3.

    At first, I asked my principal, "Hey, but don't I at least get credit for the 5% that improved?" But it turns out that these were kids who have been sneaking out of my class every day and attending a grade five class instead. Scamps!

    I tried to argue that the tests were faulty and we should have some of those more holisticky First Nations types up in Mtig make a more fair test, but did the principal listen to me? No! Instead, for the next month, he's got reading and math specialists taking over my class for intense "clinics." I have to observe these clinics and pass test about them. In the summer I'm supposed to take "retraining" courses at the local college. I am so humiliated!

    I can hardly wait until I marry Anthony so I can quit already.

    Liz

     
  • At 4:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gordo and tracey, in case u r reading this, my mom and dad r writing their apology note 2 u 4 the way they acted @ the brunch 2day.

    howard, i m sorry abt my mom swiping pastries from yr table.

    jeremy, i m sorry abt my mom swiping pastries from yr table.

    eva, i m sorry abt my mom swiping pastries from yr table.

    becky, i m sorry abt my mom swiping pastries from yr table.

    every1 else who was in the restaurant @ the same time as us, i m sorry abt my mom swiping pastries from yr table.

    apes

     
  • At 9:15 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes. The GO was running 90 min l8 & I missed Bambis plane. Then I went 2 her condo in the Entertainment District but she doesnt live there nemore. Sum d00d told me ovah the intercom that hes her tenant & she lives in a loft she bot in the Distillery District. I begged him 2 give me her addy but he wouldnt. Then I told him I was going 2 w8 4 him outside & beat the info outta him. I w8ed 4 awhile 2c if he wld come out, but none of the d00ds who came out said nething 2 me & I can only ID d00d from his voice. Sux 2b me.

    I called my ril mom 2 say happy mothers day 2 her, but I hung up b4 she answered. She prolly likes Silhouette D00d better than me, neway. So I guess Ill go back 2 Mboro now 4 the special dinner Silhouette Mom's cooking 4 the doctor.

    L8r.

    Yr depressed best bud,
    The Real Duncan Anderson

     
  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, sorry things went so wrong, dunc. :(

    apes

     

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