April's Real Blog

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Blahblahblah Mike's Book

Mike's got sum more 2 say abt his book:

Formerly little sis. As you know, April, sometimes Deanna tries to hide things from me. You may go into a marriage thinking it’s about sharing everything and being open and honest; but a lot of a marriage actually is in the hiding. I was reminded of this just recently when I got my shipment of copies of my new novel Stone Season from my publisher Reiner and Browne. After my family got over its fascination with packing peanuts, we discovered there were 8 more books in that tiny box, which my son had not found.

Naturally I had to get on the phone immediately and tell people about the shipment and share the wealth with my closest friends. Of course, this was made a little difficult when I realized that Deanna had placed a bowl of fresh fruit on the kitchen counter and its similarity to my banana-shaped cell phone, detained me a little while until I realized which was the cell phone and which one was the oddly-shaped banana. I don’t know why Deanna bought those fruit. It’s not like Pattersons eat that kind of stuff.

Anyway, the first person I had to call was mom, since she edited my novel, so the editors at Reiner and Browne wouldn’t have to.

I said, “Mom! Mom said, “Mike. I need something to get Iris to relax and maybe have a good nap. Do you know of anything?” I said, “My book is out!” Mom said, “You mean your book is gay? No, wait. I understand now. That idea is perfect, Mike. That book will put anyone to sleep, even old tightly-wound Iris.” I said, “They sent me 10 copies!” Mom said, “I am not going to pay for it, Mike. I edited that thing, and I think that is payment enough. Just bring one over, the next time you come to eat out of my refrigerator.” I said, “I’ll get one over to you as soon as possible!”

That call reminded me it was close to supper time. However, I remained steadfast and the next person I called was my best, true friend in the whole world, Josef Weeder. I said, “Hello, Weed?” Weed said, “Look, man. Carleen’s voice does not sound like mine. What do you want?” I said, “Great news! My book is here!”
Weed said, “That was fast. What did they use for the cover---the house that doesn’t look like a sod house or the hunchbacked woman in a bonnet? I bet they used both, didn’t they?” I said, “Yeah, man—It looks great!” Weed said, “Look, man. I’d love to see it, but I’m not going to Milborough to get anywhere near that whacked-out family of yours.” I said, “I’ll bring you one!!” Weed said, “Great, man. Come by the apartment at 1 pm, when Carleen is out doing her hair.”

After talking to Weed, the next person to call was the main man of Milborough, the great Gordon Mayes. I decided to switch ears with the phone and use my left ear instead, and when I did that, I suddenly went to silhouette. I think because it was so dark, I didn’t even notice my lovely wife Deanna entering the room. However, I couldn’t stop my phone call to Gordon, just because of that.

I said, “Gordon!---It’s Mike!”Gordon said, “Mike who? Please let it not be Mike Patterson.” I said, “My book’s out!” Gordon said, “Crud!! It’s Mike Patterson. Now, Mike. I want you to listen to me carefully. Whatever you do, do not give me a copy of that book.” I said, “Of course you’re getting one!—A signed copy!!” Gordon said, “Great! When you come by to give it to me, could you come in the entrance marked ‘Danger! Killer dogs!”

That Gordon is always a joker. Now here’s the interesting part, formerly little sis. I switched the phone back to my right ear and the lights turned back on. It goes without saying that switching from one side to the other reminded me of my old buddy, Lawrence Poirier.

I said, “Hey, Lawrence! Guess what!” Lawrence said, “Mike. I am not lifting or carrying anything for you. I am not fixing your father’s roof for you. I am not recommending anyone to fix your father’s roof for you. I am done with it, Mike.”

Then I noticed my lovely Deanna picking up the box of books and walking away. I dropped the phone with Lawrence and chased after her. As she reached the second floor, I said, “What are you doing?” Deanna replied without even looking back over her shoulder (which is the usual Patterson woman stance), “Saving a few copies for US!” Then she was around the corner and the next I saw her, she didn’t have the box anymore. She had hidden it. I tried to find it, but when my wife wants to hide things from me, I can never find them.

I said to Deanna, “I thought our copies could be the two my son is playing with.” Deanna said, “Robin destroyed those copies in about 5 seconds. That left 8 copies, and then you were giving away 4 copies to your mom, Jo Weeder, Gordon Mayes and Lawrence. We need to keep 4 copies, just in case your grandparents or your Uncle Phil or your Auntie Bev might want one.” I almost laughed in her face. Those people are so far out of my life, I’ll probably never see them again. It wasn’t any problem to leave them out. However, sometimes you have to do what makes your wife happy, which is another way of saying, “I still can’t find those books she hid from me.”

Michael Patterson
Hey, Mike, speaking of your book. Something I thot U mite like 2 know--Merrie called me up yesterday 2 ask me 2 help her set up an eBay account 2 sell one of the copies Robin was playing w/yesterday. Namely, "the one that gots the front cover on the back and the back cover on the front." U mite wanna look in2 that, eh?


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  • At 7:15 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Even though Mira would rather gouge her eyes out than read the Tome of Glurge, your SIL secretly fears that she too would want a copy. She also fears, equally falsely, that Mike would give her one. Thus, the Hiding of The Books.

  • At 9:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i doubt it wd ever cross mike's mind 2 give a copy 2 his mil.

    so let's c. he promised away four of his ten copies. suppose he makes six more calls and promises away the rest. wd he end up calling all those ppl back, all, "erm, dee hid my books an' i can't find 'em. sorry, bye."


  • At 1:00 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There may be doubters out there. There may be people who have said that Michael Patterson will never get the full publicity push of a majour author, since I have only written the one novel and it is about the decidedly unpopular profession of sod farming. Those people would be wrong. After I got the box of books from my publisher, I called them up to see when my book would be officially in book stores. After all, you would think a first time author would be informed of such things. Well, formerly little sis, my publishers are so great that not only did they treat me a like a full time best-selling author, who could care less when his books hit the book stores; but they arranged an astounding publicity tour for me, all without consulting me even once. Not only that, but unlike some publishers who do publicity for a book before it is in the stores, my publishers waited until afterwards for mine. You see, April, that’s the way to operate a publishing house. I am running with the big boys now.

    I was on the phone with the publisher as they were telling me their publicity plans, and I said, “Yes, sure! I can do that! Anything you arrange will be great!” After all you don’t want to disturb your publisher by saying, “No.” It was then I was really glad that I had quit my job at Portrait Magazine to be a full-time author. Those people who work other jobs while writing novels, I don’t know how they could do it. They might need some kind of advance notice to take off from work to go do publicity, but thanks to my unemployment, I am completely free.

    I went into the living room where I found Deanna dusting the top of our console TV. I know you may think the flat screen TVs are all the rage now, but let me tell you formerly little sis, nothing says, “You’ve made it” than a huge console TV. My son was on the floor with his Super Teddy (yay for me!) and a number of other ignored toys including, I might mention, that old leftover train track dad got him. To my right was my daughter wearing either a giant nightgown, or some kind of oversized witches robe. They were both watching a program about some kind of giant, cowboy bird. I ignored them both to tell my lovely Deanna, “That was my publisher! The book is already in stores, and he’s lined up some publicity.” Deanna was quite excited, but not so excited she responded or actually stopped dusting.

    As my children peered on, I felt the familiar darkness of a silhouette fall on me as I tried to show my similarly-silhouetted wife my list of publicity. I always hate it when I go to silhouette just as I am trying to read something. However, it didn’t stop me. I told my wife, “Check it ou!---CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation for your American readers), CHCH (CHCH-TV, channel 11 out of Hamilton), the Toronto Star (Canada's highest-circulation newspaper), Hamilton Spectator (more publicity from Hamilton), and a signing at Eastgate Square (in Stoney Creek probably at the Coles or SmithBooks)!” Of course, I told Deanna those things without using my little extra notes for your readers. My daughter towered over my son and looked at me with her “I look like a professional model” face.

    However, her unusual facial expression did not daunt her from taking pride in those items of publicity having to do with television and not the print media. Her interests betray her generation. My daughter turned to my son and said, “Daddy’s gonna be on television! Daddy’s gonna be on television!” to my son. With my son, you usually have to repeat things at least 2 times for him to get it. He clutched his Super Teddy to his breast and responded, “He is?!”

    Then my son got up, walked over to the console TV and asked me, “Daddy---How are you gonna get IN there?!” He pointed to the television set, now featuring some program with 2 grotesque human beings interacting with a minority human being. I looked at him dumbstruck. Why would I need to be in that television show?

    First I had to explain a few things to my son. I said, “Son. First of all. If you are going to continue to be overly literal, you should realize that your sister said, “on television” and not “in television” as you have repeated. It would be easy to get on television, if I were to take the TV out of the console and sit on it. You have altered a single word to make your joke, which is an effort I applaud. However, you should realize that by making that single word alteration, you have proved that you already understand what is going on and are simply pretending to be stupid for humourous effect.” My son said, “But how are you going to do it daddy?”

    I mentioned it to my lovely Deanna and she said, “Cheeze, Mike. Just show Robin the video camera and how it works.” That was when I had you come over to show my son the video camera, and listened to your incessant comments about how I shouldn’t raise my kids to be ignorant. Naturally, after you left, my son asked me when you were going to take my picture to put me on television. I am beginning to worry about him.

    Michael Patterson


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