Mike's book arrived

So, in case NE1 (ha!) was being all, "OMG, when will Mike's book come out? Will it B in stores in time 4 Xmas?" Here's the l8est from Mike:

April,

Formerly little sis. I know you are probably anxious to continue telling the exciting story of mom and Connie Poirier regaling Iris with stories about how Connie used to be a slut when she was younger, but I think I have even better news than that. My publisher for my first novel Stone Season, finally sent me copies of my book which, as you may or may not be aware, is the first sign a published author gets that the publisher has taken the time to print their book. I have been waiting for this moment ever since I finished writing the book on Christmas Eve last year. The delivery man came to the door of our house and handed me the box, and I yelled with excitement so everyone could hear, “It’s HERE! My book is finally here!!” Naturally my daughter said, “Open the box, Daddy!” and my son came running with his Super-Teddy in hand (his current favourite toy, thanks to me).

My lovely wife Deanna came into the room wearing some kind of outfit, which looked vaguely medical in nature. It took me awhile to realize it was her pharmacist outfit, which I don’t think anyone has seen her wear for years. Despite her unusual appearance, Deanna said, “It’s sure late!” which I am sure was a statement designed to confuse me. You see, formerly little sis, you may remember back when I got the contract for the book, the publisher said the book would come out in their fall lineup . Well, fall means September, eh? At least that’s the way Deanna was thinking. But if she had been reading my old monthly letters carefully, she would have realized I said in my March, 2007 letter:

I signed my contract with Reiner and Browne, after making a few alterations and deciding on a title. The book will be called Stone Season and it will be published in paperback and will hit the shelves by October.

Clearly I did not anticipate the book until October. Of course, now I read my monthly letter again, I am confused by the fact I thought it was going to be published in paperback, when the book in the box is in hardback. Nevertheless, I managed to open the box and I was a little surprised to find it was one of those cardboard boxes, which only has 2 sides to its lid. Most times cardboard boxes have 4 sides to them. I think only having 2 sides should be considered an homage to the strength of my novel itself, and not an indication that my publisher is too cheap to ship books in decent boxes.

I stared at these white circular things in the box for quite some time, and neither I nor Deanna nor my daughter knew what to make of them. My daughter said, “Lemme see! Lemme see!” with such gusto and enthusiasm, I simply had to comply. I later discovered that my son had managed to pull two copies of my novel out of the box without the three of us seeing him, we were staring so intently at those white circular things. I think we would have still been there staring, had my son not said, “It only gots a picture on top! How come der’s no pictures inside?” I think I would have answered my son, if I had not been taken aback by his suddenly acquired Chicago accent. Instead, my wife replied for me, “It’s a novel, Robin. A novel just has words.” My son replied, “Oh.” It was then we realized he had taken the books out.

I went over to get my novel from him and I could see his little chin jutting out (in a very Grandpa Jim-like fashion), shaking the book up and down as if he were trying to shake the words out of the book. He later told me, he was really thinking, “That’s why it feels so heavy!” My son has apparently come to the conclusion that words are heavier than pictures, possibly because he is familiar with the phrase “A picture paints a thousand words”. If you do the math with that, then you get 1 picture = 1000 words, so if a novel was made up completely of words and only one picture then that would be 1 novel’s words + 1000 words. On the other hand, if you took one of my son’s picture books, which might have 30 pages of pictures and words, then that would be just the caption words of those pictures + 30 pages X 1000 (=30,000 words). That’s a lot of words in those pictures, so obviously my son’s picture books are heavier than…um…I think I am doing the math wrong.

Regardless of physical weight, I can’t wait until I see how my novel weighs in on the book-selling scale. I just know it is going to be a best seller and declared the great Canadian novel. In the meantime, you should come over to our house sometime and look at these circular white things which were in the box with the books. They are interesting to watch, and sometimes I think they move.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike? The white things are called packing peanuts and they're made of styrofoam. It'd prolly B a good idea 2 get them out of yr kids' reach, so U're sure Merrie's not feeding them 2 Robin. They're not meant for consumption.

Apes