April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Liz and Antman visit Gramps so he can thought-bubble pun

Here's what happened when Liz and Anthony showed up in Grandpa Jim's hospital room just after their wedding ceremony this past Saturday. Iris was standing by his bedside, and Liz went, "Iris! We came as fast as we cd!" Iris went, "Oh, my dear! --It's the bride and groom!"

Liz went over 2 Gramps, put her left hand on his left shoulder, and went, "Here we R, Grandpa. It's Anthony and Elizabeth. We wanted U 2 B part of this day!" And Gramps was like, "Yes!" Iris told him, "They're fresh from the altar, Jim! They took off right after the wedding! --Just jumped in a car and came here 2 the hospital!" Gramps went, "Yes?" And I guess all that emphasizing how they'd JUST! GOTTEN! MARRIED! was 2 set up Jim 4 the thought bubble he had next: "A classic case of hitch and run!!"

That is so wrong. Setting ailing ppl up 4 punnery, even in their heads, is v. bad 4 their recovery! OK, so I just made that up, but I'm sure it's true. :(


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  • At 8:17 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    While they were standing around wondering what, if anything, was going through his mind, I'm sure your mom was styanding there whining about wanting to watch Anthony mush a piece of the cake in Liz's face or some such nonsense. She should bone up on her etiquette because the bride and groom are allowed time to themselves before showing up at the gaudy atroc.... reception.

  • At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    dc2's right. One thing that's common nowadays is the reception may not be held until days after the actual wedding ceremony. This could be due to availability at the convention center/restaurant/hotel ballroom that the reception is to be held, or if the parents of both the bride and groom, as well as the bride and groom themselves, can't afford to pay for a wedding and a reception at the same time. If they can afford the wedding, and have to wait a month before being able to pay for the reception, then that's what they'll have to do. Sometimes a wedding reception might just be held at some restaurant in one of the private banquet rooms, which can help cut down the cost big time. Instead of hiring a caterer, you're asking a restaurant to cook the meal, and the only cost will be the food itself, and maybe a 10% or 20% gratuity may be added to the bill, since it would be a party of six or more. In this scenario, the parents of both the bride and groom, as well as the bride and groom, may ask the server to split the check three ways. Another thing that might happen is a few of the guests will ask to help pay for the check, and so it might be split four or more ways, making it easier on everyone. Also, this makes it easier on everyone, especially the bride and groom, when it comes to deciding on what everyone will be eating. If you go to a restaurant, you can choose just about anything you want, as long as it's on the menu. A lot of restaurants also offer menu items for people who are either on that low-carb diet, or like you, are vegetarian or vegan.

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, my mother thinks she knows more than "those etiquette people." she doesn't, of course, but she thinks she does.

    patrickrsghost, liz and my mom wd never go 4 sumthing so untraditional. it wd b nice if they actually gave ne thought 2 ppl's dietary restrictions, but that's beyond their ability 2 care, i'm afraid.


  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There are so many things to admire about your story, but one of them is not your suggestion that setting ailing people up for punnery is bad for their recovery. Goodness, April. Sometimes I wonder if you even remember anything in our family’s history. Don’t you remember all the puns Grandma Marian made on her death bed, which helped ease the pain of her loss? Don’t you remember the puns Dad made as we buried Farley and the bunny you killed? Puns have healing power, formerly little sis. Even though Grandpa Jim can no longer talk, if he looks like he is making a pun in his head, then he is on the road to recovery. There should be no happier moment than the transcendent joy of the healing power of a Patterson or Richards pun.

    When you told the story of how Elizabeth and Anthony entered the hospital and inspired a mental pun by Grandpa Jim, it brought tears to my eyes. I would probably have broken down sobbing, except you mentioned Iris yammering on as she does. That ruined it for me.

    I will compliment your writing as you have picked up on an unusual speaking habit Elizabeth has picked up since her marriage, that is, referring to herself as “Anthony and Elizabeth”. When mom has called them on their honeymoon, that is how she calls herself. “Hello. It’s Anthony and Elizabeth.” My wife, the lovely Deanna, never did that on our honeymoon. If anything, she referred to herself as “The Shopper” since that’s primarily what she did on our honeymoon to the States.

    We had a lovely time with mom’s birthday yesterday, even though you left early. By the way, I drove by the vet clinic and I didn’t see any evidence of a fire. What you missed: Mom made a pun about every gift she opened, and she said she was going to keep her sarcastic streak with respect to Dad down only to one thing in honour of the day. Then she made a comment about Dad’s potbelly.

    Then she announced that in September, when dad is only working 1 day a week, she plans to think back to the old days permanently and remember new stories ridiculing Dad she has not ever remembered before. I am sure that will be an exciting time. Deanna and I are planning to stay in our house and avoid mom’s house at all costs, when that happens. If you don’t mind a little baby-sitting money for university expenses, Deanna would like you to know you are welcome to stay with us, until mom gets over it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i did NOT kill mr. b! hm, but mayB dad's toxic punning killed him. >:(

    and if puns r healing, y didn't grandma marian recover? mayB all that punning KILLED her. mayB being in an already weakened condition, she couldn't withstand their destructive power!

    i mite hafta take u up on yr offer 2 move in2 yr house next month. all that reminscing mom plans will b 2 much 2 take.


  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anthony and Elizabeth said…

    Ugly Brother,

    Mom told me that once you are married, you go from "I" to "we." I am trying to follow Mom's advice.

    Anthony and Elizabeth (aka Liz)

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Carrie Patterson said…


    Dearest granddaughter. Will and I heard about your wedding. Sorry we could not attend. We wanted to. Your uncle Danny checked the plane fare and it was $1200 a ticket. That’s out of our price range. With your grandpa Will and me and uncle Danny and auntie Bev and cousin Laura it would $6000 to attend your wedding. Will and I are almost 90, so we have to have good flight or it’s just impossible. Danny complained you didn’t give us enough advance notice to get a cheaper air fare for the right flight, but don’t pay him any mind. I remember the last time you came out to see us in Winnipeg in 1996. Being organized was not very important to you then either.

    Will and I were very happy to hear you visited your Grandpa Jim in the hospital. Goodness, he has had such health issues. 2 strokes and 2 heart attacks. That’s a lot. It is nice to know there are still nice young, ladies like you, who think it is important to include your grandparents. In case you decide to show off your new groom to Will and me, we are in Assisted Living Centre in a town thirty kilometres away from where we used to live in Aberdeen, the last time you were here. We haven’t seen you since 1999, when we came down to Milborough for John’s 50th birthday, and we would love to see you again. We’re almost 90 now and I don’t know how much longer we’ll last.

    Grandma Carrie

  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Patrickrsghost may not be aware of the overall problem with the food at your sister’s wedding reception and that is Anne Nichols’ wretched cooking. Fortunately, I had gotten a suite with a kitchen at the Empire Hotel and I set it up to provide food for any people who needed it, i.e. did not want to get sick off Anne’s food, or eat foods primarily consisting of meat and gravy.

    As it turned out, when your sister and Anthony went to the hospital to visit your Grandpa Jim, Anne refused to serve any food until the entire wedding party arrived. That is proper etiquette, but a professional would compensate, and as I have long said, Anne is not a professional.

    Naturally, all the people I had previously informed about Anne’s horrible cooking got hungry and went to my suite instead of eating the moldy cheese and rancid crackers Anne had left as appetizers. Then other people saw them with my food and asked where they got it, and that led to a mad rush. I hadn’t planned to feed the entire group of people eating at the reception, and in short order I was completely out.

    On the other hand, my Baja Black Bean Cakes w/ Spicy Sweet Potato Sauce, Pasta Puttanesca, Soybean Patties with Brown Bean Gravy, and Baked Breaded Tempeh Cutlets were a big hit. Not so much the Creamy Polenta. I am not sure how I went wrong there. What do you think? Was it too bland? Or was it too much sauce with the other dishes?

    Ouch! I suddenly have a feeling like someone is rewriting history with me in it. And my wife Beatrice is coming over here with a sad look on her face. I guess I better see what’s going on. Talk to you later.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Lizthony said…

    It's NOT my fault! I didn't know I was going to move the wedding to this summer until I found out the Grandpa Jim was in poorer health than I knew. And April's the one who told me! Blame April!

    Lizthony (Liz)

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "blame april." u've only been doing that my whole life, so no surprises there.

    howard, i m so glad i got 2 have sum of yr delicious food b4 that stampede of liz's guests saturday. i dunno abt yr creamy polenta, cuz just b4 i went 2 taste it, mom grabbed the tray and poured the whole thing down her mouth!

    rewritten history. i heard that the weird biographer lady had put out an anthony "biography." i only had a chance 2 look @ it 4 a few mins b4 i had yoga 2nite. i have a bad feeling. i'll go read it now.



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