April's Real Blog

Friday, February 02, 2007

What?!?!?!?!

So, Mike posted a comment, last nite, all

April,

Little sis. After mom had carefully examined my contract for my book, I had gotten from Reiner and Browne Publishers, Deanna decided that we should have a little alone time together, just her and me and the contract. After she got one of you to agree to watch the children, she took my hand and led me to our bedroom. Then she gave me a “come hither” look and as I approached her amorously, she took the contract out of my hand. Then she read:

Dear Michael Patterson,

I opened your package, and from the first page of your manuscript, I could not put it down. I rarely say things like this, but you have crafted a superbly compelling, intensely emotional story. With few adjustments, we can include your book in our fall line up.

Please review the enclosed contract and return it to us with your comments at your earliest convenience.

Then for some reason it either wasn’t signed, or Deanna decided she didn’t want to keep on reading, or Deanna couldn’t pronounce the letter writer’s name. I don’t know which one. It doesn’t matter because reading the letter made me a little sleepy.

Then Deanna pinched herself a good pinch and said, “Know what?” And she gave me a big hug, where my chin could rest on her head. She said, “This is really happening!!!” It was a good feeling. My chin felt especially large and proud at that moment, and I put my hand protectively across her shoulder.

I hope you realize now, little sis, that going into my burning house was definitely worth it, just for that moment. I know mom had been rewriting my monthly letters for some time, saying I already had a contract, that my novel was due in October but the deadline was extended to December, that I had been submitting my chapters to my publisher as they were completed; but now the truth can be known. That contract and the encouraging letter enclosed, has actually caused my wife to have a newfound respect for me. Yes, little sis, your brother writes well enough to get a publisher to give me an advance.

Love,
Michael Patterson
I heard there R ppl who R pretty convinced this development w/Mike means the Apocalypse is on its way. Oh, and I'm the sum1 who agreed 2 watch Robin an' Merrie, but of course he cdn't b arsed 2 care abt that detail.

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:29 AM  

14 Comments:

  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    If your brother’s book is as good as the letter your sister-in-law quoted says it is, then your brother may want to shop it around a little and see if he can get even more money with it. That’s the reaction I would have if I got a letter like that and it was a serious letter and not some sort of practical joke my little sister put together. This isn’t a joke letter is it? It would be funny if it was.

    I have observed your brother to know that as far as publishers go, the one who would appeal to him most is not the one which offered him the most money, but the one who offered him the best compliments. The danger of him shopping it around would be another publisher who realized this and wrote a letter which is even more complimentary of your brother. He would have to have someone with him who understood numbers well enough to be able to say, “$15,000 is less than $25,000, even if there are 3 pages of compliments vs. 2 pages.”

    I know it is your belief that your brother’s book is not very good, and based on the excerpts I have seen from his monthly letters, I would have to agree. However, you should never underestimate your family’s extraordinary success without effort, when it comes to these kinds of things. Whether your brother’s book is any good becomes a moot point compared to the idea that your brother has a book to offer, and he nearly sacrificed his life in a fire to allow it to see the light of day or the desk of an editor for a publisher. With that kind of situation, I expect his book to be phenomenally successful, beyond any reasonable imaginings. Yes, April, I think your brother’s book will be a best-seller for no other reason than he is a member of the Patterson family. I have been around your family long enough to say that with certainty.

    You know it is going to be true, too. Maybe instead of harping about not getting credit for baby-sitting in your brother’s letter, maybe you can suggest he shops his book around. The more money he gets for it, the faster he gets out of your house and you get your room back. After all, once the Canada Revenue Agency takes their share from your brother’s advance, it will seem like a nice bonus check from his work, and not a life-changing sum of money, eh?

    I asked my lawyer, Mr. Benis, when my trial was going to be un-remanded and he said something about the justice system was too busy preparing for the parade in Milborough in honour of your brother’s book being in the fall lineup for Reiner and Browne Publishers to be doing any trials. So, your brother’s success has an effect on me too, oddly enough. I have another month or more of freedom. At least Becky will be done with exams, so we can do something together aside from studying.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey April,

    Tell your brother I'm sorry about all of that "Reiner and Brown" garbage, okay? My law firm says that if I set up something called "shell companies," I can evade taxes, blah blah blah. Whatever. So now your brother's book is held by a company called "Reiner and Brown" (Granny's maiden and married names). His next book will be held by a company called "Cheese Doodles & Beer" (named after my favorite foods). You get the picture.

    The parent company is now officially called BiblioSewingRoom Publishing! I moved my office into Mom's old sewing room and threw all that fabric and crap in the dumpster. My new girlfriend (I have a girlfriend! Isn't that sweet?) wasn't interested in sewing either.

    Now I gotta go put together a flyer for our "fall lineup." We also have an exciting picture book for children written by a brilliant author named "Happy Bird." Never met her, but I'm guessing she's native.

    Later,
    Quintilluu N. Jones
    President by Divine Right
    BiblioSewingRoom Publishing

     

  • At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, xxamz 4 me have not been 2 bad. i tried 2 thank zenobia 4 b-ing my tutor & helpin’ me so much. she sed, “the secret iz u were studyin’. sum peeps r smart enuff 2 pick this stuff up like this” & she snapped her fingerz & pointed ovah 2 zandra larson. then she sed, “they hear it once in class frum the teach & then they put it in a cabinet or a file in their heads, & open it back up wen it comes time 4 xxamz. thass not u. ur mind is like a locked safe & u don’t know the combination.” i sed “thass a good analogy.” zenobia sed, “i got it frum my therapist kathleen. wen i start talkin’ ‘bout how i'm hoping 4 an early, but very dramatic death, kathleen sez 2 put that thought in my ‘dramatic’ cabinet.” i sed, “not ur ‘suicidal’ cabinet?” zenobia sed, “i don’t believe n suicide. if ur gonna die early it haz 2b poignant & touch the people’s hearts & kick them in the ass. like princess diana. that wud b a good way 2 go. sum peeps thot she wuz crayzee. sum peeps thot she wuz wonderful. but she died tryin’ 2 keep sum1 frum takin’ her picture. i like the irony.” i sed, “if ur dyin’ wud u b sayin’ ‘how ironic?’ or wud u b sayin’ ‘know what? this is really happening!!!’” zenobia sed, “jones. u do not have the soul of poet.”

     

  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April Dear,

    Your mother called me this morning with the good news about your brother’s publishing deal. I thought you might be interested in the conversation:

    Me: Hello, Richards’ residence, this is Iris speaking.
    Elly: IRIS! You’ll never believe what happened!
    Me: Who’s calling, please?
    Elly: It’s me, Elly, your favorite daughter-in-law!
    Me: Actually, dear, since I’m married to your father that technically makes me your stepmother.
    Elly: What’s that Iris? Never mind, you won’t BELIEVE what just happened!
    Me: Oh dear, what?
    Elly: My super-genius son MICHAEL has sold his book! He got a publishing deal!
    Me: Oh my!
    Elly: Yes! He’s such a brilliant writer! The first publisher he sent it to gave him a $25,000 Canadian Dollar advance and right of first refusal! The man also wrote a letter about how it was the most compelling and stunningly brilliant piece of writing he had ever seen, and he doesn’t say things like that very often!
    Me: Who?
    Elly: What do you mean, who?
    Me: Who is the “man” you are referring to?
    Elly: The publisher.
    Me: Yes, dear, but...what’s his name?
    Elly: Oh, it’s, um...Bobby...Curtola.
    Me: Bobby Curtola? The singer?
    Elly: ...ski. Bobby Curtolaski.
    Me: Oh, Bobby CurtolaSKI. I see.
    Elly: Isn’t that wonderful?
    Me: I’m just flabbergasted. I can’t wait to tell Jim!
    Elly: Who?
    Me: Your father.
    Elly: Oh right, Dad! How is he these days?
    Me: Well, the doctors are a bit concerned about some tests they ran last week...
    Elly: Iris, my little boy is going to be a PUBLISHED WRITER, can you believe it?
    Me: He’s very talented, dear, you must be so proud.
    Elly: I am, I am, of course you know that writing talent runs in the family. And I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I DID help him edit it.
    Me: You did?
    Elly: Of course! I’ve done a lot of writing myself, you know. Some of my articles have appeared in the “Milborough Bi-Weekly Shopping Circular” and the “Greater Toronto Brotherhood of Eagles Newsletter”. Plus, I owed a children’s bookstore, which of course makes me uniquely suited to copy edit a historical novel.
    Me: ...
    Elly: Iris, are you there?
    Me: Yes, dear, I’m here. I just don’t know what to say.
    Elly: Of course, now that Michael is a published writer, he’ll be expected to go on interviews and a book tour and everything. Very exciting for us! I can’t wait to visit all those wonderful cities and do book signings and author roundtable discussions and speeches, it’s going to be so glamorous!
    Me: You’d go along with Michael?
    Elly: Of COURSE! I’m his copy editor, remember? He couldn’t have written the book without me, and of course he’ll need my input and help while he’s off being a famous author. Why, there will be laundry to do, and I’ll need to pick up after him, and make sure he’s eating right and his pens have ink…I can’t expect my wonderful genius writer son to do all those things for himself while he’s busy with a book tour.
    Me: What about Deanna?
    Elly: Deanna? Well, she’ll be very busy with the children and her sewing of course.
    Me: Sewing? I didn’t know Deanna liked to sew.
    Elly: Of course she does! She’s very fashion-conscious, but being a young mom she also needs to be thrifty. Sewing her own outfits makes perfect sense. Butterick makes lovely patterns, you know.
    Me: I’m sure.
    Elly: Besides, she needs to take care of my grandchildren for me. With Michael being a famous author, she can quit her part-time volunteer work at the pharmacy and be a stay-at-home mother, just like she always dreamed!
    Me: Deanna volunteers at the pharmacy? I thought that was paid work.
    Elly: Oh no, Iris. No, no. If it were, Michael and Deanna would have been able to afford a better place to live than that apartment. They’re broke, remember? All young couples with children are financially challenged, even when the husband has a very prestigious job at a magazine.
    Me: I see.
    Elly: Speaking of, now that Michael has written what is surely to be a Pulitzer Prize winning novel, he can quit his wretched job at Portrait Magazine.
    Me: He hates his job? He used to love it!
    Elly: No no, he always hated it.
    Me: Goodness, I am out of the loop, aren’t I?
    Elly: Good thing you have me to fill you in on the exciting news!
    Me: Yes indeed, Elly. Speaking of news, I wanted to speak to you about your father and some concerns his doctor has about his long-term memory. You see…
    Elly: I just wish Elizabeth would stop brooding about that no-good ex-boyfriend of hers.
    Me: Paul Wright?
    Elly: More like PAUL WRONG. Get it!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    Me: Elly?
    Elly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
    Me: Elly?
    Elly: (gasps) Oh Iris! I’m so funny, aren’t I?
    Me: Yes, dear. Very.
    Elly: Well, I have to go. I just wanted to share the good news. Tell Dad I said hello!
    Me: Elly? I really need to talk to you about your dad’s doctor’s appointment.
    Elly: Ok, well, give me a call sometime and we’ll chat about it!
    Me: ...
    Elly: Bye, Iris!
    Me: Goodbye, Elly.

    April dear, let me know if you’d like to come stay with us for a few days. I know the house is a little crowded right now, and we would love to have you.

    Much love,
    Iris Richards

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Miigwetch (Thank you) for telling me about your family’s monthly letters. As you said in your e-mail to me, there are some writings I can talk about in these letters.

    Your ngashi (mother’s) letter. She makes it seem like the end of my relationship with your sister made her spend her time alone, because her friends live in different places. At first I was confused by this, because your sister has not lived in Milborough as her home since she was in university. That is what I remember. I think this would be 6 years ago. Even in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), after high school, many people move to Spruce Narrows to be closer to the jobs there in the logging industry. It is not a surprise to me, your sister's old friends would move. I do not know why your ngashi (mother) would think your sister would still have those friends.

    When I first met your sister, it was at her stargazing party, and the whole town of Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was there. I had never seen such a gathering for a school event. Your sister was very impressive, and I thought I would never meet someone who was so good at making friends as your sister. Later, when I visited your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I realized she had not set up the stargazing party, but it had been Jesse Mukwa and his auntie Margaret. Margaret Mukwa is very well-liked in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), so she could put together that kind of party for your sister with some work.

    It turned out your sister did not spend much time in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) outside of school. When I visited her in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), we either spent time in the teacherage or took a walk in the woods to enjoy the scenery. Your sister did not socialize with other people, and especially not as a couple. She spent most of her time in the teacherage with her cat. Her closest friends were Margaret Mukwa and the Cranes. For a person like your sister, Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was the perfect town. The people here do not let you hide in your house or your room. They come to get you out. If your sister had stayed, she would have been forced to meet people and she would not be lonely. Without people like that around your sister in Milborough, I can believe she would do her work and spend her time alone, as your ngashi (mother) says.

    Your noos (father’s ) letter. I think I have known for a long time your noos (father) did not approve of me with your sister. He believes the big city life would be impossible for me, because I lived my whole life in the north. The Cranes have said the same thing, which is bagwanawizihe (dumb). Both the Cranes lived for years in the south, before they moved to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I prefer to live in the north, but it is an insult to say it would be almost impossible for me to do it. If I didn’t think I could do it, I would have never applied for the transfer to Toronto and if your sister believed I couldn’t do it, she would have never asked me to transfer. Your noos (father) needs to remember that Thunder Bay is not too far from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It is not as big as Toronto, but it has all the things big cities have. Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) went to university there and she has many friends who still live there. We have visited them. I have seen theatre, opera, museums, professional sports. I still like the north better, but I could have handled Toronto.

    I did not understand what your noos (father) wrote about fabricating the relationship. I saw the e-mail printout Jesse Mukwa got you sent your sister in May, with her notes on it about moving south. Your sister left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to go after her ex-boyfriend Anthony Caine, when she learned he got divorced. The fabrication was when she told me she wanted to move to the South to spend more time with you, spend more time with your ngashi (mother), spend more time with your mishomis (grandfather), help your niikaanis (brother) with her sick nindoozhim (nephew). I read all of the letters, and your sister is not doing any of those things, even when she is living in the same house with you and your niikaanis (brother) and your nindoozhim (nephew). She does not even visit your mishomis (grandfather). You visit your mishomis (grandfather) and honour him with your music. You do not fabricate your relationship. Your sister could learn from you. You get great wisdom from your mishomis (grandfather).

    I am reminded of the harmonica of your mishomis (grandfather). Jesse Mukwa did file a complaint it was stolen from him by someone coming from Milborough. I was glad to read you had gotten a “different one”. That was good writing. When you are a policeman in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), many people come to me to complain about things. It is hard for me to take Jesse Mukwa’s complaint about losing your sister’s gift to him of the harmonica seriously, when your sister gave him so many gifts. His auntie Margaret has complained your sister was too generous when she gave Jesse her stereo, her cell phone, her television, and several pieces of her underwear. I wish your sister had taken some of those back when she visited Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    Your sister’s letter. This was the hardest one to read. She says she would have liked a letter or a phone call better than what happened. I would have too. I planned to break it to your sister face-to-face and explain what happened. I was going to tell I had found out about her leaving Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to go after Anthony Caine. I was going to show her the printed out e-mail as proof. I was going to tell her it seemed to me like she wanted me to move to Toronto as a backup, if Anthony Caine did not work out. I was going to tell her I forgave her for being so gagwaanisagizihe (cruel), but I could never be with someone who treated me like that. I did not want to hurt your sister, even though she had hurt me. I did love your sister. I wanted to marry her, but I did not really know her.

    This was clear when to me when I did not understand your sister’s writings about how her ex-boyfriend Warren Blackwood had backbone the people of Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) did not have, because they were related to me or had to work with Chipper. It sounds like Chipper and I were keeping everyone in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) from telling your sister I was with Chipper. That is not the way the people of Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) are. They are debwehe (honest). Your sister should remember this about them. They thought your sister and I were already over, when your sister moved away, and I started visiting Chipper.

    My future with Chipper looks good, even though we knew each other last as kids. Chipper loves Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and her students love her. I think she would stay here forever, but her family is in the Dokis First Nation near North Bay. My family is in White River, which is about halfway from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to Toronto. I think Chipper would like to move someday to a town like Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) halfway in between North Bay and White River, so we can be as close as we can to both of our families. I have to stay in Spruce Narrows for a few years to fulfill the terms of my transfer here, so it will be awhile before we can move. It will also take Chipper awhile to find just the right job. The best thing about being with Chipper is we are planning our life together. She is not going to move until I am ready and I am not going to move until she is ready.

    Miigwetch (Thank you) for letting me answer. I will answer whatever questions you need in the future. Let me know, as you did this time.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg, u know ur fam website? u know that hideous sack of a purple dress dee is wearing in her new pic on her page? i'm guessing that thing wuz her 1st sewing project. cuz it's, like, tracey mayes-wear.

    becks

     

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, thanx 4 yr responses 2 all thoze questions i asked u in yr e-mail. it was nice of u 2 come by here an' answer. i thot a lot of that stuff in the letters was v. uncube.

    howard, i think u have a v. good pt abt how mike wd prolly b swayed by more compliments insteada more $. i think mom is worried abt this kinda thing, cuz she told mike if he gets ne other offers he hasta run them by her. "consider me yr agent as well as yr editor and publicist, michael!"

    becks, i think liz mita given that dress 2 dee.

    jeremy, it's a weird coincidence that zenobia goez 2 the same therapist as the 1 that dee wrote abt in her feb letter, eh?

    btw, i m writing this fr gramps an' iris's place. i helped iris w/dinner an' w/the dishes afterwards. i'm gonna play sum tunes on my guitar after is post this. in case ne1 is looking 4 me, i'm staying here overnite.

    apes

     

  • At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April Patterson:

    We are hearing that your parents plan to visit us again soon. Please ask your parents not to do so. If they are insisting on a visit to a place where the Spanish is spoken, please tell them that we are hearing lovely things about the Costa Rica.

    Mexico

     

  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What have we ever done to you, Mexico?

    Costa Rica

     

  • At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thank goodness that no Spanish is spoken here.

     

  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, the oldies must b asleep by now Im sending Wilco ovah 2 pick u up. Karaokes no fun w/o u.

    C u soon.

    MCDunC

    p.s. B ready 4 Wilco, he wants 2 b back @ the bar by the end of the commercial break of Labyrinto de los Novios.

     

  • At 12:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FYI, Portugese is our official language and not Spanish. Sometimes people get this confused, as most countries in South America speak Spanish. But we do not. We're just saying.

    Muito Obrigado,
    Brazil

     

  • At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, sorry 2 interrupt u guyz @the 3 kronen. in case u missed the convo i had w/duncan cuz u girls were doin’ the washroom thin’, zapata wanted me 2 go 2c pan’s labyrinth w/her. actually it wuz 2 go follow her bf eldritch & we ended up followin’ him 2 pan’s labyrinth. it’s a pretty good movie, in case u haven’t seen it. happy & sad @the same tyme @the end, cuz u don’t know wut rilly is happening. i guess the sad part iz rilly happenin’ but ur not so sure ‘bout the happy part. ‘course i wuz pretty sure ‘bout the happy part, cuz sum things happed, which wudn’t make sense unless the happy part wuz rilly happenin’. u know like sumtymez i think ‘bout thingz like when howeird wuz a dog & becky had every1 kissin’ on him, or the tyme when u poked urself in the mirror & ur mirror self lirpa came out. those tymez seem like they weren’t real, but i remembah they were real. so the happy part of pan’s labyrinth wuz like that, & like totally real 4 me.

    neway, where wuz i? zapata sumhow convinced me 2 help her follow her bf eldritch & she wunted 2c if he went w/o her & if he did who he went w/. ‘course he just went by himself, which i kinda thot wuz weird, xxcept zapata talked all the way thru the movie & so i kinda understood y it wuz he didn’t wanna go w/zapata. but aftah the movie wuz ovah & it wuz still dark while the credits were goin’ eldritch left & zapata wuz still yakkin’ away. i sed, “don’t u wanna c where eldritch goez next?” & zapata sed, “uc, jeremy. this iz the reasn y ur here, cuz this is the part where i alwayz lose him.” so we followed eldritch out & he drove ovah 2 the 3 kronen & went in there.

    zapata ‘bout went crayzee @this point. she sed, “the 3 kronen. thass where zandra duz that karaoke. eldritch is cheatin’ on me w/zandra. i knew her sympathy 4 me @the tutorin’ table wuz fake. bitch. backstabber.” & a whole lotta othah wordz. but then we saw wilco the rabbit drive up & u were with him & zapata went evn nuttier. “april patterson. i shoulda known. eldritch is cheatin’ on me w/april. i knew her sweet & innocent, ‘i’ve been datin’ the same guy since i wuz 11 yo, wuz an act. bitch. patterson.” & a whole lotta othah wordz. i sed, “u know just cuz eldritch went n2 a public area where there r 2 girls u know, duzn’t mean he is cheatin’.” zapata turned on me & sed, “ru crayzee? if u get caught w/a girl who is not ur gf, ur cheatin’.” i sed, “mebbe by elizabeth patterson standardz, but if it wuz true, then u wud b cheatin’ on eldritch w/me, cuz we’re sittin’ in ur car 2gether.” zapata sed, “ur rite, jeremy. i must catch them in the act.”

    so, then we went n2 the 3 kronen & i don’t how it happed, but just @the tyme we walked in wuz wen eldritch wuz kissin’ on zandra. duncan sed they were singin’ sum duet 2gethah & sharin’ a mic, but 2 zapata, it looked like kissin’. thass wut set her off. it wuz a good thing it wuz during a commercial break for labyrinto de los novios or durin’ a boring part of the show where the married couple characters were lyin’ in bed holdin’ hands or sumthin’ & talkin’ ‘bout luv; otherwise wilco the rabbit may have been 2 occupied 2 pin zapata 2 the floor long enuff 4 eldritch & zandra 2 talk her down. u girls went n2 the washroom & hadda long convo. that old guy ole svensen wuz disappointed tho, cuz he wuz yellin’ “cat fight” 4 a while aftah wilco let zapata up. u cud tell the leafs weren’t playin’ 2nite, or prolly nobody wud’ve noticed.

    aftah zapata & eldritch had their talk & left all huggy & kissy, thass wen i left 2 go home. zandra wuz givin’ me all thoze kinda looks like she wuz gonna call 2nite, so i shud stay up & w8 4 the call. it wuz either that or she had sum kinda eye disease. most tymez, it mean she’z gonna call. she’z been stressed out l8ly & wen she’z stressed she likes 2 talk. i don’t mind talkin’ 2 zandra. it’s kinda nice 2 talk 2 a girl who’z w/sum othah guy, cuz i don’t hafta worry ‘bout screwin’ up my relationship w/her by wut i say. it helps she’s smart & funny, & not sum person who hazta recap everythin’ just so u can unnerstand wut they’re sayin’.

    neway, thass wut that wuz all about, in case u didn’t hear.

     

  • At 2:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Something that is good for you to remember is there is nothing more romantic than a pun. Even a bad pun, which doesn’t make any sense, in a romantic setting, will take on romantic overtones which resonate in the heart of the most frigid woman.

    For instance, last night I was lying on your bed, looking at the ceiling and marveling at how nice your bed was and that you had purchased a queen-sized bed for your bedroom, which is far too much bed for a teenaged girl. I didn’t remember having such luxuries when I lived in Sharon Park Drive, but there I was, holding Deanna’s hand as she did her imitation of Stretch Armstrong. Deanna looked over at me and said, “You did it. After all those late nights of writing and rewriting—you’re the author of a book!”

    I thought briefly about correcting Deanna, and pointing out I was an author before, but what I soon will be is a “published” author; but I thought better of it. Deanna slid the hand I was holding under the covers and moved it to a more advantageous position and that gave me the big hint I better say romantic things to her. She touched me on the shoulder with her free hand and said words I have not heard from Deanna in quite some time, “Congratulations, Michael.” As if I had just won a prize. Considering where her other hand was, I believe I thought that was exactly what I was about to win.

    I thought, “Well, Michael. Don’t screw up.” And I said, “Well…thanks for being so supportive, Deanna. You helped with every page!” I thought that was an easy truth, since Deanna was the one who went to the Office Depot to get that really nice paper I printed my manuscript on.

    Deanna didn’t quite get that. She said, “—by leaving you alone while you worked?” She was really giving me that look which said, “You’re going to like what happens next.” I thought, “Don’t screw up. But then I thought about what she just said. If I agree to what she said then it would be like my saying her ‘leaving me alone’ is right. I didn’t want any of that ‘leaving’ stuff.”

    Then I remembered what Dad had said so many times: When you’re in a crisis situation, you can always rely on a pun. I didn’t like the word ‘leaving’ so that was the obvious choice to change for a pun. But what to say? My mind was racing. I thought I could say, ‘By laving me alone’ but that sounded too much like she cleaned me. I thought I could say, ‘By living me alone’ but that was too much like Deanna was a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein bringing her monster to life.’ I thought about saying, ‘By levying me alone’ but that sounded too much like she was imposing a fine on me. I thought about saying, ‘By loaving me alone’ but it was much too bready for me. So, I opted with ‘By loving me alone’, to show Deanna she was the only person to love me while I worked on my book. Aside from my mother. But of course I wasn’t so stupid to mention mom while Deanna was in the mood. You know “in the mood” when you’re single and celibate means a lot different thing from when you’re “in the mood” to write or when you’re married and your wife is “in the mood.”

    The pun worked, little sis. After last night, I am strongly motivated to start working on my next novel. If I had known it would have this kind of effect on Deanna, I would have starting writing my novels earlier in my life.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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