(Dis)Possession(s)
There were a buncha boxes in the entryway of the house. Mike was picking one of them up, and Dee was holdng two grocery bags. Since Mike an' Dee actually named their poor boy Robin, I decided 2 do a Batman gag an' was all, "Holy boxes! What's all this?" Mike replied, "Everything that was salvaged from our apartment. It's dishes and kitchen stuff, mostly. They're still working on the furniture." As I picked up one of the boxes 2 help (unlike a princess, Dad!) Mike was all, "We've looked all over our old neighbourhood for another apartment. There R a couple of possibilities, but I doubt we'll find nething as nice." As Mike went down the stairs, he sed, "We've been totally dispossessed!!" And Merrie went, "Mommy? When R we going home?" And insteada trying 2 give her little girl sum kinda answer, she got this totally gobsmacked look on her face. I think it must B sum kinda post-traumtic stress that's getting Dee. And I didn't know what 2 say, cuz it's one of thoze totally awkward situations where U know the parent isn't B-ing helpful, but U R standing there holding a box not knowing what else 2 do but stand there an' look stoopid. And I also cdn't help B-ing surprised that Mike didn't say sumthing abt the salvaged stuff being their remaining possessions, all so he cd pun w/"dispossessed." I guess he must not have been feeling well. But whatev the reason, I can't tell U how happy I was that Mike passed up a punnertunity! So unPatterson of him!! This temporarily distracted me from the fact that he was--automatically and without even thinking abt another idea--TAKING THIS STUFF DOWN 2 THE REC ROOM. AAAAARGHHHH! WHERE IS MY RED STAPLER?!?!?!?
Apes
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Dee, Merrie, Mike, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:50 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. When you said, “Holy boxes” you were actually making fun of my son’s name? I would be more offended, if I got the joke.
As for my “dispossessed” pun, I am disappointed it was too subtle for your still very young Patterson mind. After showing you our salvaged possessions, actually using the word “possessions” and then saying, “dispossessed” would have made it more obvious; but sometimes I get in the mood for a subtle pun. When I said, “We've been totally dispossessed!!" that was when I punned, little sis. Deanna of course, was gobsmacked at my daughter’s question, not because she didn’t have the answer, but because my daughter had interrupted everyone from having the opportunity to fully comprehend that I had made a subtle pun. We have been trying to teach her “pun etiquette” but she is still very young.
I had mentioned my difficulties in apartment-hunting before; but I think I failed to mention my search had been limited to our old neighbourhood. Josef Weeder and Lovey Saltzman’s apartments were only a little stinky, so they were going to move back into them after they had been de-scented.
As you may or may not be aware, little sis, Lovey Saltzman was an invaluable resource when it came to raising children. Her home remedies and willingness to babysit our children at any time of the day strongly motivated us to try to find something in that same neighbourhood, so we would be able to continue to have Lovey in our life.
I love our mom. She does put the grand in grandma; so Deanna and I had thought since she was retired, she might be like Lovey was for us. But she gives the kids over to Connie Poirier for half the day while we are at work. Deanna has come to the conclusion that while mom puts the grand in grandma, she doesn’t put the ma in grandma. Lovey did that.
Not only that, but in Toronto we had a pair of childhood sweethearts in the making for our children with our old childcare provider Ardith Narayan’s similarly-aged and oppposite-gendered children. I love Sharon Park Drive, but it’s an old neighbourhood. Unlike when you were growing up, there are no childhood sweethearts wandering the streets to play and establish long term relationships with my children.
As for visiting Josef Weeder, I would like a place close enough to visit my only friend who has not been taken over by mom and dad’s financial investing, like Gordon Mayes and Lawrence Poirier. Not only that, but I want to see if I can find where he is hiding Ned Tanner in his apartment. Ned is mine.
Unfortunately, in our old neighbourhood, the apartments that are available are even worse than the one we had. If you have been paying attention to our travails in the old apartment with our heating and cooling troubles, the troubles with ventilation and sound-proofing between apartments; you may be wondering how anything else would not be as nice; but trust me when I say those are minor details when it comes to things like insect and rodent-infestations; and gangster, drug users, and prostitutes for neighbours. Lovey’s old apartment, with all its difficulties, was still the best apartment in that neighbourhood. And it was so convenient to the bus line to go to work at Portrait Magazine.
Until then, we will simply have to wait until another good place in the old neighbourhood opens up before we move out; or maybe someone will offer us an incredible deal which would cause us to think about abandoning the old neighbourhood. That doesn’t seem too likely though. Who would be kind enough to do something like that?
There seemed to be plenty of space in the rec room for our things. I think it could possibly hold our salvaged furniture too, if there was any furniture which could be salvaged. We will have to wait and see what the future holds.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, wut ur niece sed w/"mommy? when r we going home?" brought back memories 4 me. i remember wen i wuz little & i got visitation tyme w/my dad & mom wud drive me ovah 2 where my dad wuz stayin’ overnite in some cheap hotel & there were liquor bottles on the floor & usually dad screamin’ @sum new gf i had nevah seen b4; i remembah sayin’ thoze words 2 my mom.
of course ur house izn’t az bad az that, but 2 ur niece it mite b. she hazta deal w/ur sis she’z only seen @holidayz, so she’z kinda like a new girl. she hazta deal w/ur sis’ drinkin’, which is kinda like my dad’s drinkin’. she hazta deal w/ur mom & her screamin’ fits @ur sis’ cat or u or ur dad or ur dogz, which is kinda the same way my dad wud deal w/problemz. thass gotta b a big shock, if she nevah saw ur mom screamin’ b4. i know it wuz a shock 2 me the 1st tyme i saw it & heard it.
ur niece hazta deal w/sleepin’ on the sofabed in the sewin’ room of ur house, & thoze thingz r not that comfy if u hafta sleep on them 4 ovah a month. she hazta spend every mornin’ w/connie poirier, whom she haz nevah met b4, insteada goin’ 2 jr. kindergarten every mornin’, like she wuz usedta. i bettah stop. i’m startin’ 2 feel rilly bad 4 ur niece & i have xxamz 2 think ‘bout.
At 12:09 PM,
howard said…
April,
Sadly, I have seen this before. When I was fresh out of the Milborough Training School for Boys and I had recovered from the physical degradation of being there (mental is another story), I got my own apartment in Milborough. Shortly after that, my cousin Kayla’s apartment burned to the ground thanks to some faulty electrical wiring or a police raid using flame throwers, I was never really sure which one. Kayla can be difficult to understand at times.
Naturally, being a concerned cousin, I took Kayla in, fully expecting that her insurance would kick in and she would move out at the first opportunity. But after a month and she was still there I asked Kayla when she would be leaving and she said, “Howard. I loved my old apartment. I want to find something in my old neighbourhood.” I remember saying, “Your old neighbourhood burned to the ground. There won’t be anything there for years.” Kayla responded, “I know, but I really liked that one neighbourhood. I can’t see living anywhere else.” This made me realize that Kayla never planned to move. Living with me, her food was free, her rent was free, and since she was frequently borrowing my dresses, her clothes were free. There was no motivation to move whatsoever. I had to concoct a clever plan to convince her to depart. All it required was 2 little people, a industrial-sized container of petroleum jelly, a trapeze, and a trained squirrel. One night, when Kayla came home from her work, she opened the door on the apartment to find….um…I keep forgetting you’re only 15. Sorry.
In any case, my point is that your brother is notoriously cheap. My aunt Winnie and uncle Melville often told me of the deal where he agreed to take a reduced rent at his old apartment in exchange for doing his own repairs; and they were also quite jealous of the way your brother conned Lovey Saltzman into giving him the same rental rate for the larger upper apartment as she charged for the smaller lower apartment, by claiming he needed to move for more space, but he couldn’t afford the upper apartment rent. Now he is just like my cousin Kayla. He has no rent and no food costs. That has to be like a heaven for your brother. I will be interested to see how long it takes your mother to want to force him out, and how it will take her to do it once she wants to. I don’t think my method of getting Kayla out of my apartment will work for your mother.
Howard Bunt
At 7:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, no more stuff in the rec room! no more!
yr whole "subtle pun" thing makes me a lil queasy. cuz w/that theory just abt nething can b considered a pun if u say u were thinking abt sumthing rel8ed 2 the word. like mayB u say "rowboat" an' sum1 else sez, "pun!" an' u go, "wha?" an' the person goes, "obvs u were thinking, for demille, yung fur henchman can't b rowing!" gah, sum1 hold me!
best pun etiquette: don't pun. if sum1 else puns, back away slowly and avoid eye contact!
jeremy, yeah, i know. i feel bad 4 merrie, 2.
howard, dang, i can't w8 until i m old enuf 2 hear all those stories u won't tell me cuz i'm only 15. r ne of them ok 4 16yo, cuz it won't b 2 much longer!
apes
At 8:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
btw, mike, i think weed wanted 2 play a joke on u by sticking ned 2 the kitchen window.
apes
At 9:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The rec room is the biggest room in the house. There is plenty of room there for more things, as you well know, since that’s where you sleep.
Little sis, I know you are trying to be silly about the pun etiquette, but you know as well as I do, dad has his pun etiquette list he will recite to us if ever he makes a pun and we violate one of the etiquette rules. Please do not repeat your silly “back away slowly and avoid eye contact” line in front of dad. It’s been awhile since I have heard him recite the entire list including the choreography and hand motions, and I am pretty sure that line would set him off.
Thanks for the tip about where Josef put Ned. Weed is a tricky one. Ned looks very nice on the kitchen window.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:07 PM,
howard said…
April,
Some of those stories might be alright to hear when you are 16 years old. Of course you turn 16 in April, so it is likely I will be in prison then, unless my trial continues its state of being perpetually remanded. If I am in prison, maybe you can get one of those conjugal visit permissions, so popular with the older ladies in Milborough. If you come to see me in prison, I will tell you as many stories as you want to hear. After all, what can they do to me there, for corrupting a minor?
Howard Bunt
At 9:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, no more stuff in the rec room. rec room full! if u try 2 put more stuff in, i will say that stuff abt backing away slowly and avoiding eye contact. 2 dad. rite after he makes a pun and loox @ us all xxpectantly. then when he goez in2 etiquette list, choreography, and hand motions, i'll run off 2 a friend's house!
howard, i keep 4getting abt the prison thing. this makes me so sad. :(
apes
At 11:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. "Run off to a friend's house." You are being very silly now. You obviously don't remember the last time you tried that and ran to Becky McGuire's house. I suspect having dad drag you out of the house and join in his public demonstration of proper pun etiquette with choreography and hand motions in front of Becky, must have been such a painful experience you have blocked it out of your mind. It was very memorable. I think mom has some pictures of it somewhere. Maybe slides. I'll ask mom to see if she can find them.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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