Being Right
Something that happened who-knows-when, since I've totally lost track of what happed on what day and when Liz was or wasn't here, Liz was pulling sum papers out of drawer in the guest room, and she was telling me, "I am so mad @ Paul and Warren. I'm so angry I cd...." And I wish I'd just let her finish that sentence, cuz now I'm totally wondering what she was going 2 say. But I interrupted her, all "Y R U mad @ Warren? I think he's totally cool! He flew up 2 Mtigwaki*, 4 1 thing, and he xxposed U 2 the truth! I bet he still likes U. Warren still likes U! Did he say he still liked U?" Which, of course, I know the answer 2 this, since we had up-2-the-min reports here @ the blog, so I was really just doing this 4 effect, I guess. And while I'd been talking, cd feel myself getting the speed-freak** eyez again. Liz had had her back turned 2 me this entire time, until I finished that last sentence. Then she turned 2 face me and she totally did a Mom, scrunching her eyez shut, snapping her jaws wide open (while sumhow still having the full lips o' beauty), and hollering, "APRIL--STAY OUT OF MY PRIVATE LIFE!" My eyez got even wider as I walked out the room grinning (looking kinda birdlike, I suspect), thinking "When I'm right--I'm right!!"
I'm just glad I didn't do sum godawful Wright/right pun abt Paul. U just know sum1 will have dun 1, either from my fam or sum1 we know well. I hope it won't have been me.
* I don't belong 2 the cult of "OMG RIDING IN A HELICOPTER IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVARRRRR!" But Liz goes a bit crazy if U make a reference 2 her riding in 1 w/out saying sumthing abt it being teh kewl.
** Mike, that convo Mom an' I had abt what "spead freak" meanz? Totally 4 yr benefit. After U left the room, she laffed at U and sed she can't believe U don't know this:
speed freak
--noun Slang. an addict or habitual user of amphetamines, methamphetamines, or similar stimulating drugs.
Apes
I'm just glad I didn't do sum godawful Wright/right pun abt Paul. U just know sum1 will have dun 1, either from my fam or sum1 we know well. I hope it won't have been me.
* I don't belong 2 the cult of "OMG RIDING IN A HELICOPTER IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVARRRRR!" But Liz goes a bit crazy if U make a reference 2 her riding in 1 w/out saying sumthing abt it being teh kewl.
** Mike, that convo Mom an' I had abt what "spead freak" meanz? Totally 4 yr benefit. After U left the room, she laffed at U and sed she can't believe U don't know this:
speed freak
--noun Slang. an addict or habitual user of amphetamines, methamphetamines, or similar stimulating drugs.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:35 AM
16 Comments:
At 8:39 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, I dont mean 2 b harsh, but y r u going on abt yr sister when yr best bud, the d00d who went 2 Mtig 2 get back yr harmonica, has got rilly rilly big probs?
Do u no y Zed went in2 the ladies bathroom during last break @ karaoke nite @ the 3 Kronen last nite & wldnt come out til Arne sent u in there 2 get her? She must of said sumthing 2 u. Mayb u & me talked abt the band 2 much @ Horny Ts, but that was after karaoke & Zed wasn't talking neway. Wilco dropped us both off @ Zeds house & she did let me in 4 a while but the only thing she said 2 me was ok when I asked her if she wanted 2 hang in TO 2day.
Help me out here. Im dying.
MCDunC
p.s. I just had a rilly cube idea. Do u want 2 come 2 Barbados w/ me 4 March break, mayb we cld play an acoustic gig 4 the matinee @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas & play w/ the house band @ nite. Ill ask Perdita but I prolly wont hear back from her til Mon.
p.p.s. I 4got my exam timetable in my locker. Do we have r math exam or r science exam on Mon?
At 10:55 AM,
April Patterson said…
i'm sorry, dunc, i was totally gonna talk abt yesterday evening @ karaoke nite, but when i sat down 2 blog this morning, i had this irresistable urge 2 write abt the convo w/liz abt warren. i h8 it when i feel like a force is controlling what i do/say.
neway, when i went in after zandra, she was sending sum1 a txt message on her fone. i was all, "r u ok?" and zandra was, like, "as ok as i can b w/a bf who's totally distracted almost all the time. if he's not playing air bass, he's playing 'judge on canadian idol' with the ppl who r singing karaoke. neway, i'm almost finished sending out this txt message." she typed a bit more and sent the txt 2 whoev it was she was messaging. then she was like, "well, now is the time of nite when dunc does a special song dedic8ed 2 me, so i guess we'd better get back out there." so i was all, "yeah, ok."
now that u mention it, zed did seem kinda bored during our band talk @ ht's.
apes
At 11:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sorry to read your Blog entry today, but it explains a lot of what has been going on around the house. I guess you failed the mom quiz on whether or not the teenage creature knows dangerous information. Let me give you a hint: When mom says something like, “I can't believe Mike didn't know this” and then repeats something she read off the “Signs your teenager is doing drugs---Recognizes slang terms about drug users” pamphlet to see if you know it, you should pretend like you don’t know it, and not laugh along with mom about how “stupid” your brother is. You fell into her trap completely.
I have dodging mom’s trap for years. Whenever mom asks me questions like, “Did you know Josef Weeder’s nickname Weed means something other than a shortened form of his last name?” My answer was, “Oh, yes, mother. It also means those little plants that get into the garden, you have to pull out, or they will strangle the life out of the good plants. I hope you aren’t going to hold that alternate definition against Josef. After all, he didn’t pick his last name.” Mom always seemed very happy when I gave her that answer. I thought you were smart enough to have figured that out by now, but I guess not. Learn the hard way I guess. You just confirmed every thought mom and dad had about you being an illegal drug user.
I have some more brotherly advice for you, don’t go telling mom how right you are when you’re right about Warren Blackwood still liking Elizabeth. Mom much prefers the idea that Elizabeth is mad at Warren and mentions his name as an equivalent to her constable ex-boyfriend. She has already been saying, “You know Elizabeth. When your boyfriend dumps you and your ex-boyfriend tricks you, one of the best things to do is get your car serviced. That always makes me feel better when I feel bad.” Or “Paul and Warren are creeps, so instead of eating all that creepy Kraft dinner and chocolate, maybe we could go get a wholesome cinnamon bun. I know a great place.”
Play it smart for a change, little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike. yeah, u wanna think u r smart. i never sed a thing abt that meaning of speed freak. i sed all thoze other st00pid definitions that u quoted the other day. then after u left the room, mom opened up the dictionary, pted 2 the def i quoted in my blog entry, and sed, "i can't believe mike doesn't know this. mayB we shd buy him a dictionary 4 his next b-day. he's supposed 2 b a writer. he shd really xxpand his vocabulary, even 4 slang, b-cuz his fictional characters mite need 2 use sum."
but no, u r soooo smart, and i'm just yr idiot baby sister. whatevs mike.
apes
At 12:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
a little break frum studyin’ 2 say sum things.
duncan, math exam is on monday. also, u shud ask zandra 2 go w/u 2 barbados ovah march break, nsteada tellin’ her u were thinkin’ ‘bout askin’ april, cuz of her mad music skillz.
april, next tyme u go n2 a ladies bathroom aftah sum1, nstead of sticking ur face on the floor & lookin’ under the stall door & sayin’, “zandra---can i come in?” u mite wanna just ask that question out loud & a safe distance frum the door. there r sum peeps who get grossed out wen peeps put their faces on bathroom floors, particularly in places like the 3 kronen, which r not xxactly known 4 their clean bathrooms, eh?
zandra, thanx 4 the advice ‘bout zapata henderson & wut 2 do wen she sez thingz like, “i bet u still like me. u still like me! did u say u still liked me? wen i’m rite—i’m rite. u still like me.”
At 1:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, wha? when i went in2 the washroom 2 check on zandra, she wasn't in a stall. she was out in the open, leaning against a wall, writing a txt message. i didn't stick my face on the floor. just cuz of that one time @ school during gym jam, doesn't mean it's the same ne time i ever go in2 a washroom 2 c if sum1 is ok. sheesh.
apes
At 1:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom used a dictionary for her trap?! She is getting smarter in her old age. Let me give you a hint, little sis. When mom pointed to the definition in the dictionary did you say, “Wow, mom! That’s a definition I have never heard of before.” Or did you say, “You’re right mom. Mike really needs to expand his vocabulary. I’ve known this definition for awhile.”
While you’re trying to remember exactly what you said, let me tell you it doesn’t matter. I have already overheard the “John. I think April is using drugs.” speech mom gave to dad in the train room. Of course dad’s response was, “Well, Elly. I have suspected it for years. There’s nothing that goes on around here that escapes my prediction. After all, who was it that predicted how Elizabeth’s relationship was going to end up with native-in-the-sticks boyfriend? Who was it that predicted Becky McGuire would end up realizing music was supposed to be fun? Who was it that predicted we would need to move into the house with the large yard down the road?” That led to a whole different discussion between mom and dad, so you may be off the hook for awhile until dad recovers from that blow to the head he took from the bag of frozen Brussels sprouts.
Remember, little sis. If you’re smart, you’ll play stupid around mom, and not bring up your suspicions about Warren Blackwood. Mom smart. You stupid. Life is much better and safer that way.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, when mom pted out the definition in the dictionary, i didn't say nething at all. i just opened my eyez v. wide.
apes
At 1:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuzn’t there n the 3 kronen washroom, so i dunno wut rilly happed. if u know not 2 put ur face on the floor & look undah stall doors, then thass gud enuff 4 me. back 2 studyin’.
At 1:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You didn’t do the speed freak eyes again, did you? Thought balloons. Whenever you do those speed freak eyes, you have a thought balloon. I bet you said something in your thought balloons. You said something in your thought balloons. Did you say something incriminating in your thought balloons? Little sis. That’s worse than I thought, without even using a thought balloon. You better hope dad stays unconscious from the frozen Brussels sprouts for awhile.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
let's c, what was i thinking when i bugged my eyez out? what was it again? oh, that's rite. the dictionary reminded me i'd better get back 2 studying 4 my xxams. there'z a big vocab section in the english xxam.
apes
At 3:58 PM,
Anne said…
So I'm @ Starbucks studyin' vocab w/Apes. Thanx 2 this session I can spell "poseur" & "dilettante" w/confidence. She just sed 2 think of a particular sum1 n her family...lol
Vicks
At 4:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, vicks an' i r using associations 2 help us remember what our vocab words mean. it really helps!
apes
At 9:08 PM,
Anne said…
Thanx again 4 meeting w/me 2 study, Apes...u've given me sum tools 2 tutor Gordie 4 his remedial English x-ams.
So, speaking of a certain family member of yrs...lol...I saw this blurb n the latest A&P circular 4 Schneiders Half Ham from Michael Patterson, Esteemed Writer and Editor: "Schneiders Ham is the most heavenly ham I have harboured a hankering for. Trust what I tell you is true; it could tempt the most orthodox Jew!" He's got a way w/words, yr bro does...lol
Vicks
At 10:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Vicki Simone,
I think you are one of April’s little friends I bet I have not yet met. You obviously have good taste in advertisorial writing. I wrote from experience about Schneiders Half Ham, since my former landlady Lovey Saltzman served it many times and I believe she is what some people would call an orthodox Jew. At least I have never heard anyone call her unorthodox.
I would be glad to meet you sometime. April doesn’t seem to have many friends who come over to visit her. Actually, she doesn’t have any friends who come over to visit her. She says it’s because her family will embarrass her, but I think we all know better. You would probably do her a big favour to come over and show her mother she does have normal friends who appreciate good writing when they read it. It might take a little pressure off April, since mom is convinced April is a drug kingpin.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
Bad news for me and my trial. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, got a call from Judge Patterlover, who basically told him he didn’t even think the trial served a purpose anymore. According to Mr. Benis, Judge Patterlover said, “With suitors coming out of the woodwork, it’s gotten to the point where a good sexual assault trial can’t bring a man and woman to holy matrimony anymore.” So, the trial was remanded yet again and it might be resolved in February. It’s not the record for the longest-running criminal trial in Canada. Apparently the 16 years of the “Cumberland Murders” holds the record. I hope my trial doesn’t break the record.
I’m hope you were forced to say that tripe about Warren Blackwood being totally cool by exposing your sister to unnecessary pain in Mtigwaki. I couldn’t really tell what speaking for “effect” meant. Speaking for myself and for my good friend and Warren’s former fiancée Marjee Mahaha, we don’t consider Warren Blackwood to be cool at all.
As for your sister yelling, “Stay out of my private life,” I would like to say I haven’t seen that before, but that would not be true. I remember when I used to work alongside your sister at Lakeshore Landscaping, and Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Brown tried to give your sister some fashion and hair-styling tips. Sometimes your sister would yell, “Lawrence. Nick. Stay out of my private life!” Lawrence and Nick found it very frustrating. They said, “Mark our words, Howard. Elizabeth is going to end up married not to a man she chooses, but to a man who chooses her.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they were right.
Howard Bunt
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