Woah
After Mike loaded yet more boxes in2 that space I'm supposta B livin' in these dayz, the rec room, I remembered Mike got sum mail. I was all, "Oh, I 4got 2 tell U, Mike, a package came 4 U 2day... It's from sum publishing company." I gave him the "package," which wasn't a package but one of those flat, cardboard envelopes U get from express-delivery companies, and he opened it, pulling out sum papers. Pretending 2 care, I was all, "Well... What is it?!!" And Mike was like, "A contract! They've sent me a contract! They're gonna publish my book!-- And they're offering me a $25,000 advance!" I was like, "Woah!" All channeling Keanu Reeves and Everett Callahan, cuz I really cdn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, really, can U? And I don't mean U, Mike, I mean every1 else. And of course, this talk made Mom and Dad appear out of whatev crevice of the house they'd been hiding in, all silhouetty and eavesdroppy.
NEway, after that, Mike put the papers down, and leapt up in the air, all "YYEEAAA AHHOO HAHAHAHA HAHAHAH WAHHHH OOOOO OOOOO." Then he ran over 2 Dee and grabbed her up in the air, holding her by the shoulders, causing a series of straight lines to appear over her head, as motion lines appeared under her left foot. Oh, and she and Mike were both in silhouette @ that moment.
Mom and Dad looked on, as Merrie kinda cowered @ her Daddy-AtticGuy's behaviour. And since he felt he had 2 say sumthing, Dad was all, "It's 2 bad our son has never been able 2 xxpress his true feelings." Rite, I'm pretty sure he meant "it's 2 bad he HAS ALWAYS been able 2" etc.
Well, check the skies, foax. Pigs mite start flying.
Apes
NEway, after that, Mike put the papers down, and leapt up in the air, all "YYEEAAA AHHOO HAHAHAHA HAHAHAH WAHHHH OOOOO OOOOO." Then he ran over 2 Dee and grabbed her up in the air, holding her by the shoulders, causing a series of straight lines to appear over her head, as motion lines appeared under her left foot. Oh, and she and Mike were both in silhouette @ that moment.
Mom and Dad looked on, as Merrie kinda cowered @ her Daddy-AtticGuy's behaviour. And since he felt he had 2 say sumthing, Dad was all, "It's 2 bad our son has never been able 2 xxpress his true feelings." Rite, I'm pretty sure he meant "it's 2 bad he HAS ALWAYS been able 2" etc.
Well, check the skies, foax. Pigs mite start flying.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Dad, Merrie, Mike, Mike's literary pretensions, Mom
posted by April Patterson @ 6:41 AM
20 Comments:
At 8:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. YYEEAAA AHHOO HAHAHAHA HAHAHAH WAHHHH OOOOO OOOOO!!!!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. AYOOOGAH!! AYOOOGAH!! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
Heavens to Murgatroyd! Congratulations to you ah hoo hoo.
Exit, stage left!,
Snagglepuss
At 8:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
The news of your publishing advance reminds me of when the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull endowed me as Prince Adam with the power to transform into He-Man by holding aloft my magic sword and proclaiming, "By the power of Grayskull...I have the power!".
Congratulations,
Prince Adam AKA He-Man
At 8:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
Wen I heard about your advance, I said, “Well blow me down!” I heard about the fire burning all your things and I guess you must have said, “That's all I can stands, cuz I can't stands n'more!” Then you eats some spinach and said, “I'm strong to the finach, 'cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Michael the writing man!” And you writes up a storm enough to beat back Bluto. Congrats from this sailor.
Where's the entrance to the exit?
Popeye, the Sailor Man
At 8:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
Here’s the world famous author telling you congratulations. When I heard about your advance, my mind reeled with sarcastic replies. I thought about all the revisions my book It Was A Dark And Stormy Night went through, I started to say Curse you, Michael Patterson. I almost hated you more than the stupid cat next door. After all, my editor, Lucy van Pelt, was constantly making me change it. “Write about something positive for a change” or “Begin his story with ‘Once upon a time’” or “Add in a spooky figure” or “Change the story to be an adventure story featuring a dashing hero.”
Then I remembered: Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. There's so little hope for advancement. But at least I don’t live with my mother at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, like some other author I know.
Congratulations,
Snoopy, World Famous Author
At 8:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
Ookay, first draft to publishing advance in one month. Sure that $25,000 is the advance and not the vanity publishing bill??
At 11:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Michael,
I just heard about your advance from your publisher. It’s such a great feeling when a publisher accepts your work. I’ve written a book too. You should come and visit me and we can talk about it.
John Kennedy Toole
At 11:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Michael,
Congratulations on your advance. It is surely an occasion which calls for showing emotion. I like yelling and screaming too. Don’t do too much of it in public or you will lose your audience. Be sure to pass that advice on to the rest of your family, particularly your mother.
Howard Dean
At 11:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
While visiting the Kelpfroths in the ICU I told them about your brother's good fortune. Mr. Kelpfroth, who has regained partial use of one hand, wrote a note stating that he wished Michael all the best and is not bitter that Michael ran to save his novel from the flames, rather than to run downstairs to help the Kelpfroths, who are elderly and who deserve to live their few remaining years in unremitting, excruciating pain.
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Micheal,
Congratulations on your novel's pending publication. I'm sure for your next book, you'll want to tell us how you did it. Just make sure the "it" isn't a double homicide. Though if it were a double homicide, your celebrity could get you a joint book/tv deal. But there is always the possibility that both will be canceled due to numerous complaints.V
At 1:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
Congratulations on your impending move! Your father tells me that your brother finally came up with that downpayment on your old family home that will allow him to buy it from your parents without looking like a total leech, a la your older sister.
So, you, your parents, and your sister will soon be moving to the old Stibbs place! You must be excited. It will be just like old times, what with you and your sister sharing a bedroom again.
Sincerely yours,
Marge Hauser, C.R.S. of
Milborough Realty
At 1:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
What happened to your brother truly sounds like magic. I wonder if Madame Razz was involved? Or maybe the Sorceress? You know, magic happens all the time in my world. Like, when I hold aloft my sword and say, "For the honor of Grayskull!" and I change into She-Ra. Funky music plays when that happens. Some of my friends like to boogie when that happens. Did funky music play when your brother opened that envelope? If so, it was probably magic. Did a blue streamer swirl around him? Did pink sparkles rain down on top of him? If so, then it was definitely magic.
Your brother should learn to thank Grayskull when that happens, and not just yell indiscriminately. He sounds most ungrateful.
Honoring Grayskull,
your friend She-Ra
At 1:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Someone is obviously guiding Mike on his path, why won't someone guide me already, I can't live my life all by myself, I need help, it's not fair, if I had $25,000, I could buy a husband!
Liz
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ookay, first draft to publishing advance in one month. Sure that $25,000 is the advance and not the vanity publishing bill??
Yeah, Mike. You might want to do a little research into your "publisher." The chances of a publisher just sending you a contract for a book out of the blue without first talking to you or your agent runs somewhere between zero and...zero. And $25K for a first advance? It happens, but you might want to see what rights you're handing over. Say bye to Merrie. She'll be working in a sneaker factory ten minutes after you mail back the contract.
At 3:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Friend,
I am Mrs. Michaelbi-Sese Pattersano, wife of the former President of Bondi, now known as the Democratic Republic of Mongo (DRM). I am moved to write you this letter concerning my present circumstance and situation.
I escaped along with my husband and two of our sons, Wally and Bingo, out of DRM to Parramatta where my family and I settled, while we later moved to Lithgow where my husband died of the cancer disease. However due to this situation we decided to changed most of my husbands zillions of dollars deposited in Swiss Cheese Bank and other countries into other forms of money coded for safe purpose because the new head of state Dr Macca-Macca Bruce has made arrangement with the Swiss government to freeze my late husband’s family jewels.
I have deposited the sum of eighteen zillion Canadian dollars (CAN$18,000,000,000,000,000,000.00) with a security company for safekeeping. The funds are security coded to prevent them from knowing the content.
What I want you to do is to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on our behalf. Acknowledge this message, so that I can introduce you to my son (Wally) who has the out modalities for the claim of said funds. I want you to assist in investing this money, but I will not want my identity revealed. I will also want to buy pizza and beer and stock in multi-national companies and to engage in other safe investments.
In conclusion, if you want to assist us, my son shall put you in the picture of the business, tell you where the funds are currently being maintained, and also discuss other modalities including billions and billions of free dollars for your services as well as a $25,000 publishing contract. And a handsome goat.
Best regards,
Mrs. Michaelbi-Sese Pattersano
At 5:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
Who am I?
What happened to my hopes and dreams?
Wait. I am all over the place. Let’s focus: Are there three or four key elements in my young, privileged life that shaped me and defined me, and do any of them have the Weight of Tragedy?
Before I can begin to answer these rudimentary questions, a large black woman wanders in. She notices me, or half-notices, and then she totally notices me.
She says, “Why did you lie? Why did you have to lie about the time you spent in jail? Why did you do that?”
I don’t understand her. Is she talking to me? Is that allowed? We’re not remotely from the same socio-economic background. I mean, seriously, has this women ever gotten a $25,000 advance for the first draft of a novel written only a month ago and rescued from an apartment fire.
I can feel The Fury thumping at my chest, from the inside, and I know I could beat this bitch to a Bloody Pulp, but that feels wrong, structurally and thematically, if not morally, so I decide to let her live.
Okay, I say. I am a liar. Please don’t kick me out of your Book Club.
Several audience members stare at me, hostile, dismissive, and I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking I am a wuss. They’re thinking I didn’t slave over my novel and I don’t deserve this. But they don’t know me like I don’t know me and don’t want to know me. And, most of all, they don’t know The Fury. If they ever get to know The Fury, watch out.
I look away, my head tilted at a haughty angle, dismissing her right back, but I know I’ve lost the Book Club. Public humiliation and the Book Club is still taken away.
Don’t join Book Clubs, Michael. It won’t work for you. I mean, if you take the notion of talent out of the equation, which I do with you,
Don’t join Book Clubs.
James Frey
At 5:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey April,
I guess Mike got his check. That's great! BiblioBasement Publishing came into a real windfall last month when the President and Editor-in-Chief's parents and grandma died in that horrible plane crash. Who knew that 93 year old women with cataracts shouldn't be piloting small planes? Anyway, it's been a great thing for the company. In fact, Prez has been going a little nutso with the cash. I got hired back, which was lucky, because my implant that I got to, you know, increase my stamina, kind of malfunctioned a few months back, and my manhood has been seriously deflated, I guess you could say, because I couldn't afford Kraft Dinner when I was laid off, let alone getting my Wang-a-Vator fixed.
Anyway, tell Mike to enjoy the check and that there will probably be a whole lot more of them to come. Good old EIC Q.N. has really gone nuts with the bucks! He keeps saying that it was the spirit of Sheilaugh Shaughnessey that brought him this windfall. I guess I'm not surprised--that Sheilaugh really was kind of a murderer, wasn't she? Damn, that book was funny! I'm laughing just thinking about it!
Signed,
Mr. Andrews
Editor, BiblioBasement Publishing
P.S. Q.N. says soon the name will be changed to BiblioHouse Publishing, when he moves more of his stuff upstairs.
At 6:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, mike, look @ all theze responses u got. and i can't say i blame the ppl who think the whole thing soundz a bit suspicious.
she-ra, there was no music. if there was magic, i suspect it origin8ed in corbeil.
mike, that message from "michaelbi-sese" soundz like a version of one of these scams.
apes
At 6:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, now that you mention it, I think I did see a pig flying. In a helicopter. No, wait. That was Warren.
Never mind.
Marjee
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