Gramps Again
Even tho Gramps is having speech probs, he can do a lil writing, an' he sent me an e-mail:
So, after school, Becks, Vicks, an' I R going 2 the mall 2 get sum cute clothes. Cuz Gramps an' Iris were so nice an' slipped sum surprise $ in2 my pocket the last time I visited.
Apes
April, my favourite grandchild!I'm glad Gramps is writing some e-mail. At least he doesn't make a big deal abt such things, like MOM alwayz does.
Typing this takes much effort and I tire quickly, but it's good exercise for my body and brain! I wanted to tell you about something that happened recently. I was feeling a bit lonely, so I used my picture board to point at a telephone to let my dear Iris know that I wanted her to call one of my friends to have a little visit. Frank wasn't home, so she asked if there was anyone else she could call. I wanted to say "Ben." Ben's another friend of mine, but instead, when I opened my mouth, "Buh... buh... um... Blackbeard!" came out. Iris put her arms on mine and asked, "Jim, you said Blackbeard! He was a pirate!" Then she got down on her knees and said, "Permission to laugh, sir?" I put a hand on her cheek, gave her a tender look, and though, "Permission granted!" Let me tell you this, April. Brains are weird!
Well, I'd better wrap. I'm exhausted!
Love, Gramps
So, after school, Becks, Vicks, an' I R going 2 the mall 2 get sum cute clothes. Cuz Gramps an' Iris were so nice an' slipped sum surprise $ in2 my pocket the last time I visited.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:40 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:22 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your Grandpa Jim may call it a picture board, but I believe the formal name for it is the Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS) book. I used to date a speech language therapist named Lars, and he had a PECS book, which he used in his more intimate encounters. He would point to things he wanted to do, and many times the pictures were a much better explanation than a verbal one. Somethings are hard to describe, eh? I remember he had the most amazing picture of a man…um…I keep forgetting you’re only 15. Sorry.
I can’t say I am too surprised Frank Thomas didn’t answer his phone when Iris called. The last time I saw him and his wife Mae in the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, I walked in on them playing a game called “Buccaneer and the Admiral” with costumes and props and even a live parrot. Normally I knock and wait for someone to answer the door, but there were these crashing noises and the parrot was making a lot of noise, so I went into the room thinking the worst had happened. When I opened the door I saw Frank was sitting down. Mae was down on her knees in front of him and said, "Permission to come aboard, sir?" Frank put a hand on her cheek, gave her a tender look, and said, “Permission granted!" Needless to say, I exited as quickly as I could before they noticed me and before I saw things I didn't want to see.
I’m glad you and Becky and Vickie are going shopping this afternoon. It’s been awhile since you and Becky have done something together. Becky suspects it has something to do with you spending time with Eva Abuya, since Eva and Becky do not get along. This may not be any of my business, but I noticed in your January monthly letter you talked about spending time sleeping over at Eva’s house to escape from your own crowded house, and then in your February monthly letter you didn’t mention Eva at all. Did something happen between the two of you? If the reason has anything to do with pirates, I don’t want to know the answer.
Howard Bunt
At 11:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Your e-mail from Grandpa Jim is more confirmation that Deanna and I are doing the right thing by keeping my extremely active and impressionable children away from him for the time being. If Grandpa Jim can turn the name of one of his friends into the name of a bloodthirsty and vicious pirate, then we don’t need to take any chances. I certainly don’t want to have to explain to my daughter or my son about pirates and the things pirates do, just because Grandpa Jim can’t speak properly anymore.
Even when Grandpa Jim had mastery over his speaking faculties, there was always a fear he was going to talk about the attributes of some woman he saw in the park, or talk about how the dog was eating better than he was, or talk about how the younger generation is going to heck in a handbasket. Now, he has little to no control, there is no telling what could come out of his mouth. I think we’ll hold off on visiting until Grandpa Jim has completely recovered, and he is safe to be around young children again.
Thanks for keeping us up-to-date on Grandpa’s situation, little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda weird convo @lunch 2day. i wuz sittin’ @lunch mindin’ my own bizness wen zapata henderson & zenobia barnaby sat down b-side me. zenobia sed, “jeremy. zapata & i have a disagreement & we need ur opinion 2 decide it.” i sed, “this isn’t the same thing az yesterday?” zapata sed, “no, jeremy. this iz a completely different disagreement.” i sed, “alright. wut do u wanna know?”
zenobia sed, “alright, jeremy. if u inherited a billion dollars & u hadda get married n order 2 get the money, who in r.p. boire wud u call 2c if they wunted 2 marry u?” i sed, “iz that dollars canadian or u.s.?” zandra, “duz it matter?” i sed, “i guess not. i dunno if i wunt 2 get married nemore. life has been a lot better w/o a gf & there iz a lot less scarring.” zenobia sed, “alright. ur either gonna inherit a billion dollars or sum1 iz gonna put a wiccan curse on u, if u don’t pick sum1 2 call.” zapata sed, “i didn’t say i wuz gonna curse jeremy.” zenobia sed, “shut up, zapata. which 1 wud u call, jeremy?” i sed, “i wud call u, zenobia.” zenobia sed, “zenobia izn’t home, dear. is there ne1 else u wud call?” i sed, “i wud call zapata then.” zapata sed, “u wud? i…i dunno wut 2 say…i” zenobia sed, “zapata izn’t home either. she’s out w/her bf, eldritch. is there ne1 else u wud call?”
i sed, “i wud call anne bonny.” zapata sed, “anne bonny. i don’t know ne anne bonny.” zenobia sed, “me either, but the name soundz familiar.” zapata had her cell out & sed, “it’s not in the skool records.” zenobia sed, “i have it. anne bonny (1719-1720) female pirate of the caribbean.” zapata sed, “i luvved that movie.” zenobia sed, “focus, zapata. jeremy, u sed the name of a female pirate. not sum1 here @r.p. boire.” i sed, “oops. i meant to say anne boleyn.” zenobia sed, “ur not takin’ our question seriously.” i sed, “anne frank?” zapata sed, “permission 2 curse, zenobia.” zenobia sed, “permission granted.”
then they got up & left. i dunno if zapata actually cursed me or not, but i have had these strange desires 2 say, “arrrh” 2 answer questions, 2 wear an eyepatch & i count out my loonies az “pieces of 8.” i wonder if my mom wud mind if i bought a parrot on the way home.
At 3:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
I’m glad you liked our little surprise, have a wonderful time shopping for “cube” clothes with your friends today! Be sure to wear whatever you buy next time you come for a visit so we can see. You’re such a pretty young woman, and such a good granddaughter.
Love,
Iris
At 6:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, ew, howard, yeah, i can't blame u 4 wanting 2 get away an' not c what frank an' mae thomas were doing. u know, whenev i c that mae person, like if i go 2 visit gramps an' iris and she's, like, in the hall, she tries 2 spray pepper spray in my eyes. and she screams @ me 4 being a teenager! like i have a choice. good thing her aim totally suxx!
mike, it's poss that gramps cd never fully recover. i hope if that's true u don't avoid him 4 the rest of his life. that wd b v. sad. he's still gramps on the inside, u know.
jeremy, it sounds u had a speech prob, kinda like gramps, even tho u haven't had a stroke. how weird! also, i have a weird feeling that everytime i write abt sum convo between gramps an' iris this week, u will have a strange encounter w/zapata an' zenobia, that seems oddly similar 2 the convo. if so, it mite b the same kinda mojo that controls what i write abt in my blog entries!
iris, i will def wear my new clothes next time i visit. becks and vicks helped me pick out sum v. cute stuff!
apes
At 6:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Don’t be sad. Deanna and I and the kids won’t avoid Grandpa Jim for the rest of his life. I have it on very good authority that by the time September rolls around, Grandpa Jim will be back to his normal, cantankerous, lecherous self. As I understand it, in September, some people will not be interested in explaining Grandpa Jim’s unusual speech habits to people just becoming familiar with our family, and so he won’t have them anymore. I don’t understand how that works, but I marvel at the medical advances which are being made in our world. Don’t you?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
ah-har! april lass! shiver me timbers! ye may be right. i have skuttled me skippers w/zapata & zenobia. billions of blue blistering barnacles! will i be talkin’ like this all week? i hope ur grandpa & grandma spin a merry yarn, instead of tale full of woe. arrrghh, thar's a storm a brewin. i kin tell it. i better batten down me hatches before i shiver me timbers down 2 davy jones’ locker. if ye need me, i will be 20 paces beyond my mother’s kitchen in my room sayin’ "ARRRGHHHH".
At 7:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, now that u mention it, i heard sumthing similar 2 what u r saying, and i didn't quite understand it, either.
jeremy, omg! do u need medical attention?!?!?!?
apes
At 3:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. After what I wrote to you about keeping my children away from Grandpa Jim for fear of what he might say, since he did mention the deadly pirate Blackbeard; I had a change of heart about seeing him. My publisher said it might be a good idea to get an endorsement for my book about a War Bride from someone famous who had actually met his wife during the war. Immediately, Grandpa Jim came to mind, since he had met Grandma Marian during WWII. So, I decided to brave it, and go visit Grandpa Jim.
After getting lost a few times, I made my way to the door where I remembered Grandpa Jim and Iris lived from when I last visited him during his birthday; but I wasn’t sure it was the exact right one. You don’t want to be the grandson who can’t remember which door is his grandfather’s. So, I started examining the door for identifying marks. While I was doing that, I must have been a little noisy, because I heard Iris say, “Did you hear that, Jim? There’s someone at the door.” Then she opened the door and said, “Michael! How nice! We could use a visit!” I was relieved it was the Iris I hoped it would be, instead of some random Iris I didn’t know. I must admit she greeted me at the door with such a big smile, I wasn’t sure it was the same morose, complaining Iris which we as a family have grown to love.
I decided not to let the mystery of a happy Iris dissuade me from my task---to get that endorsement. So instead of saying something like, “Hello, Iris. It’s good to see you again.” I said, “I have something to tell grandpa, Iris!” Mom always said we should ignore politeness, if it gets in the way of doing the right thing, like getting an endorsement.
I went to Grandpa Jim, and I knew I had to introduce the concept to him first. So, I said, “Grandpa! I wrote a book. I’ve got a publisher, they sent me a contract! Next fall, there will be a book! My book!!” I know what you’re thinking. “Why did my big brother repeat the word ‘book’ so many times?” As you know, little sis, old people are slow to comprehend things, so you have repeat things several times for them to get it once.
Grandpa Jim seemed very happy to see me, and looked into my eyes with a big smile. I thought he understood what I said since I had cleverly repeated the word ‘book’ over and over again. But then Grandpa Jim said, “*#@{star symbol}{saturn symbol}!!” I thought “Whoa!” And then I thought “I am so glad my children weren’t here to hear that. It is definitely not safe for kids around here.” I think even Iris thought “Oops!” at that point.
I was livid. I turned on Iris and said, “He’s never sworn like that before!” This is true. I know you have had good times with Grandpa Jim from when he used to live in the house with you, but the Grandpa Jim I remember was a chain-smoking curser, who used words he had gotten from his days on the Canadian Air Force. It was clear from what he said though; Iris had been teaching him new swear words. I am pretty sure I have not heard him use the star symbol and the saturn symbol before.
This enraged me even more, and I said, “Is he crazy? Does he even know what I’m saying?!!“ After all, most people, when they hear I am going to have a book published, are profuse in their congratulations and usually promise to buy multiple copies of the book when it is finally published and talk about how wonderful it is that a Patterson is actually accomplishing something in their lives. Even if Grandpa Jim can’t talk, he should at least be willing to nod vigorously. Instead I had a sense the only thing Grandpa was thinking to himself was, “Hard cover or paperback?”
Well, little sis. I was right to keep the children away from Grandpa Jim. I might write to you some more about my visit tomorrow. If I do, I will probably explain to Grandpa Jim that you get the hardcover first and the paperback later on, for the people who are too cheap to buy the hardcover, even when I am the author.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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