Gramps Swears!
In case NE1 hasn't had enuf of MIKE l8ly (LOL!), he now has sumthing 2 add, on this whole "Gramps thing:
Apes
April,Mike, huh, I cda sworn U wrote in yr Feb letter that the book is being released in paperback. Which soundz kinda chintzy 4 a publishing co that's paying U a gigandor $25K advance, but what do I know abt the publishing industry. I've gotta say I think it's pretty funny that Gramps swore when U told him abt B-ing published. Believe it or not, lots of peeps have been reacting that way when they hear U R having a book published!
Little sis. After what I wrote to you about keeping my children away from Grandpa Jim for fear of what he might say, since he did mention the deadly pirate Blackbeard; I had a change of heart about seeing him. My publisher said it might be a good idea to get an endorsement for my book about a War Bride from someone famous who had actually met his wife during the war. Immediately, Grandpa Jim came to mind, since he had met Grandma Marian during WWII. So, I decided to brave it, and go visit Grandpa Jim.
After getting lost a few times, I made my way to the door where I remembered Grandpa Jim and Iris lived from when I last visited him during his birthday; but I wasn't sure it was the exact right one. You don't want to be the grandson who can't remember which door is his grandfather's. So, I started examining the door for identifying marks. While I was doing that, I must have been a little noisy, because I heard Iris say, "Did you hear that, Jim? There's someone at the door." Then she opened the door and said, "Michael! How nice! We could use a visit!" I was relieved it was the Iris I hoped it would be, instead of some random Iris I didn't know. I must admit she greeted me at the door with such a big smile, I wasn't sure it was the same morose, complaining Iris which we as a family have grown to love.
I decided not to let the mystery of a happy Iris dissuade me from my task---to get that endorsement. So instead of saying something like, "Hello, Iris. It's good to see you again." I said, "I have something to tell grandpa, Iris!" Mom always said we should ignore politeness, if it gets in the way of doing the right thing, like getting an endorsement.
I went to Grandpa Jim, and I knew I had to introduce the concept to him first. So, I said, "Grandpa! I wrote a book. I've got a publisher, they sent me a contract! Next fall, there will be a book! My book!!" I know what you're thinking. "Why did my big brother repeat the word 'book' so many times?" As you know, little sis, old people are slow to comprehend things, so you have repeat things several times for them to get it once.
Grandpa Jim seemed very happy to see me, and looked into my eyes with a big smile. I thought he understood what I said since I had cleverly repeated the word 'book' over and over again. But then Grandpa Jim said, "*#@{star symbol}{saturn symbol}!!" I thought "Whoa!" And then I thought "I am so glad my children weren't here to hear that. It is definitely not safe for kids around here." I think even Iris thought "Oops!" at that point.
I was livid. I turned on Iris and said, "He's never sworn like that before!" This is true. I know you have had good times with Grandpa Jim from when he used to live in the house with you, but the Grandpa Jim I remember was a chain-smoking curser, who used words he had gotten from his days on the Canadian Air Force. It was clear from what he said though; Iris had been teaching him new swear words. I am pretty sure I have not heard him use the star symbol and the saturn symbol before.
This enraged me even more, and I said, "Is he crazy? Does he even know what I'm saying?!!" After all, most people, when they hear I am going to have a book published, are profuse in their congratulations and usually promise to buy multiple copies of the book when it is finally published and talk about how wonderful it is that a Patterson is actually accomplishing something in their lives. Even if Grandpa Jim can't talk, he should at least be willing to nod vigorously. Instead I had a sense the only thing Grandpa was thinking to himself was, "Hard cover or paperback?"
Well, little sis. I was right to keep the children away from Grandpa Jim. I might write to you some more about my visit tomorrow. If I do, I will probably explain to Grandpa Jim that you get the hardcover first and the paperback later on, for the people who are too cheap to buy the hardcover, even when I am the author.
Love,
Michael Patterson
Apes
Labels: Gramps, Iris, Mike, Mike's literary pretensions
posted by April Patterson @ 6:47 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are quite correct. I wrote in my February letter: "It will be a paperback, and it will be available next spring." I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. I must have been completely disconnected with what's going on. Little sis. Next fall there will be a book! My book! I feel very confident that my book will be published by September, right around the time Grandpa Jim is fully recovered from his stroke. I can't say if the two will be related or not, but it's possible. My publisher says my writing is that good.
As for other people swearing when they hear I am having my book published, you should not mistake that type of swearing for the same thing Grandpa Jim said. They are swearing fealty to the Patterson way of life. When I tell people about my book, most of the time (not counting Grandpa Jim's reaction) the phrase I hear over and over is: "{Swear word} Michael Patterson. If a writer who is as good as you can get a book published with a $25K advance, then I should go out and write some {swear word} and get $25K too."
As you can tell, little sis. When you write the great Canadian novel, not only are you praised for the quality of your work, but you inspire others. That is something every Patterson aspires to do. Something to consider as you think about what you plan to do with your life. After all, nobody wants April Patterson to spend the rest of her life hanging around her parents telling stories about things that happened to her years ago.
Use me as your model, little sis. Do great things. Change the world. Get a huge advance.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
If my firearm somehow discharged accidentally into your elder brother Michael, in the forest, and there was no one around to hear him scream like a little girl, would it be so terrible?
At 2:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I'm so depressed, I don't know what to do, Mike keeps trying to tell me about his fantastic life success and here I am, with no boyfriend, living with my parents, not married, with no kids, not in a relationship with a man, with hardly any friends nearby, no husband, having to go through a sex-stuff trial over Howard, no fiance, it's terrible, I just keep thinking that vodka and Oreos isn't going to solve the problem, so I finally decided to do something that will solve it, I sneaked over to Grandpa's apartment in the back of Mike's car, and when they were yelling about swears, I looked in the medicine cabinet and found these pills, a couple of different bottles, anyway now I'm home and I'm swallowing them all with this chocolate milkshake I made, I'm not sure what Prozac and Surfak are but I'm sure they're deadly poisons, anyway, this is my big goodbye letter, April, you were not so horrible as little bratty sisters go, Mike is still ugly and horrible for calling me names, and I left a big letter for Mom and Dad telling them how perfect they are.
Goodbye world!
Liz
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
uh, i googled that stuff, an' prozac is ur gpa's antidepressant, an' its not lethal. an' surfak is a stool softener. better get sum cleanup rags! liz is just gonna b all happy an' pooping all over. gross. wanna sleep over 2nite?
becks
At 3:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oooh. I don't feel so good.
Liz
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
OH CRAP. AND I MEAN LITERALLY.
--ANGRA MAINYU
At 3:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have the bed already made up for you and I have a great meal planned, despite the fact I have been having to handle phone calls from Iris who was traumatized by your brother’s insensitivity during his visit with your grandpa Jim; and phone calls from your brother who wants to remind me that if I had written a book about attacking a woman instead of actually attacking a woman, then I would have a $25K advance and not a prison term waiting for me. I would get angry at your brother, but there is a possibility if you are over here before your mother finds the mess your sister is making, then he might have to do some unpleasant cleaning, or have to chase your sister around to limit her exposure to the house and difficult-to-clean carpets or chesterfields.
Howard Bunt
At 3:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda weird convo @lunch 2day. i wuz sittin’ @lunch mindin’ my own bizness wen zapata henderson & zenobia barnaby sat down b-side me. zenobia sed, “jeremy. zapata & i have a disagreement & we need ur opinion 2 decide it.” i sed, “no. no. i spent all yestahday talkin’ like a pirate & i hadda take the parrot back to the pet store this mornin’. i’m not doin’ this again.” zapata sed, “this isn’t the same thing az yesterday. i personally guarantee our disagreement haz nothin’ 2 do w/pirates.” zenobia sed, “did u hear that, jeremy? there’s sum1 @the door & it’s not a pirate.” i sed, “alright. wut do u wanna know?”
zapata sed, “wen u answer the door, wut shud u say?” i sed, “hello?” zenobia sed, “u wudn’t say, ‘how nice! we cud use a visit.’” i sed, “’use a visit’? wtf duz that mean? it makes it sound like a ‘visit’ is like a wrench or a sound board, sumthin’ u wud use. no, i wudn’t say that.” zapata sed, “wut if the person @the door wuz a patterson, like april?” i sed, “no. not evn 4 april patterson.”
zenobia sed, “wut if it wuz april patterson & she sed she had sumthin’ mportant she hadda tell sum1 in ur house, like ur grandpa? wut wud u do?” i sed, “my grandpa duzn’t live w/me.” zapata sed, “ur mom, then.” i sed, “i guess i wud let her talk 2 my mom.” then zenobia sed, “wut if ur mom started yelling obscenities @april patterson. wut wud u do?” i sed, “i wud ask my mom wut wuz the matter, cuz she usually likes april.” zapata sed, “u wudn’t think ur mom wuz crayzee 4 cursin’ @a patterson?” i sed, “no.” zenobia sed, “u wudn’t think ur mom didn’t know wut april wuz sayin’?” i sed, “mebbe, but mom duzn’t really swear @peeps. if sum1 gets her upset, she usually goes 4 her fryin’ pan.” zapata sed, “hard cover or paperback?” i sed, “usually steel or iron, i guess.”
zenobia sed, “insteada of april patterson, wut if the girl ur mom cursed wuz zandra larson?” i sed, “mom likes zandra.” zapata sed, “how ‘bout eva abuya?” i sed, “mom is still a little mad @eva 4 givin’ me this scar” & i pointed 2 my head. zenobia sed, “how ‘bout becky mcguire?” i sed, “scar on my rear frum the xxplodin’ clownz.” zapata sed, “how ‘bout me?” zenobia sed, “4get she asked that question. we need an impartial answer.” zapata sed, “but i wanna know.” zenobia sed, “no, zapata. our contract sed we were specifically supposed 2 leave out ourselves.” i sed, “wut contract?” zenobia sed, “4get u heard that, unless u want anothah day of talkin’ like a pirate.” i sed, “4get wut?” zenobia sed, “xxactly.”
then they got up & left. i’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout their convo 4 awhile now & i still have no idea wut they were talkin’ ‘bout. ne ideas?
At 4:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
While I think it was rather unfortunate your grandfather used a very dirty swear word to answer your brother Michael, I couldn’t help giggling a little bit. I giggled inside my head, of course, and not on the outside. Otherwise, Michael would have accused me of being crazy as well.
Speaking of which, your grandfather and I were very dismayed that your brother would ask me if Jim were “crazy”. I suppose we can’t expect much from Michael, considering he knows practically nothing about Jim’s condition – in fact, you seem to be the only one in the family who understands the gravity and implications of Jim’s stroke and the effect it has on our lives.
What worries me is that Michael may very well go back to your mother and convince her that Jim is “crazy”. I don’t want Elly to send Jim to a nursing home, he doesn’t need one. I also don’t want Elly to move Jim into her house. Neither Jim nor I have any interest in moving into John and Elly’s house, and besides – where would we put ourselves? It’s already so crowded over there, what with Elizabeth’s refusal to move and Michael and Deanna’s pokey “suitable apartment-hunting”. The only good thing about moving there would be you, April! And maybe Dixie.
Well, I’m off to the drugstore. For some reason we’re out of Surfak and Prozac – the bottles are there, but empty. I guess I forgot to pick up the prescriptions last week. Perhaps I’M the one going crazy!
Much love and kisses,
Iris
At 6:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
i am writing this from becky's bungalow. howard made the most delish shrimp stirfry i've prolly ever had. yum!
so, thanx 2 the warning i got by checking the messages here, i stopped home after school only long enuf 2 get my overnite bag 2gether. when i checked w/mom, she acted a bit distracted, like, "yeah, sure, whatever. c u 2morrow."
don't worry iris, i let mom know that if mike tries 2 tell her that gramps is crazy, that it's all a misunderstanding. cuz of mike not knowing what's going on w/the aphasia. mom nodded v. vigorously, cuz she kinda made a big deal on her website abt feb b-ing stroke an' heart month. or actually got steph 2 make a big deal abt it, more like.
jeremy, it almost soundz like zenobia an' zapata r trying 2 fig out if u like me or like zandra. but i don't know y that wd b. so i kinda give up, i guess.
apes
p.s. when i stopped in @ the house mom sed mike was taking a bath cuz he'd stepped in sumthing really bad. like rite outside of liz's room. when he was barefoot.
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sometimes a curious thing happens when you learn something new. Not only do you realize that you have learned something new, but you also realize that what you thought you knew or you assumed was correct, was in fact, completely wrong and you wish that you had taken the time to properly research it instead of just charging ahead with your assumptions and putting them into an internationally read publication. For example, if you had read our family’s monthly letters or talked to the people who have been around Grandpa Jim, like you and Elizabeth and mom and Uncle Phil; you would get the impression that Grandpa Jim’s aphasia meant he was limited to saying 4 or 5 bland words, like “Yes” and “No”. You wouldn’t know that many persons with aphasia retain certain automatic responses, such as swearing, counting, naming the days of the week and social responses, such as "Fine," "Thanks," and "Hi." As a professional journalist and soon-to-be best selling author, I can tell you there is no substitute for properly conducted research and fact-checking. There is nothing worse than having to publish a retraction or to somehow pretend you had checked your facts all along. Obviously, you and mom and Elizabeth left a little something out of your descriptions of your visits with Grandpa Jim. There is certainly nothing about me which would cause Grandpa Jim to start cursing.
That’s how I felt during my visit with Iris and Grandpa Jim, when Iris was telling me, “Sometimes your grandfather says awful things, Michael. He can’t help it. He tries to speak-and swear words come out!” I replied to Iris, “Weird!” You see, little sis, when I was little, Grandpa Jim used to swear all the time, so it is odd now that he would try to speak something other than swear words, but he would actually say swear words instead. It made me think Grandpa Jim might have had aphasia when he was younger and living with Grandma Marian. I know that’s improbable, but the idea does put Grandpa Jim in a somewhat more favourable light.
I was speaking to Iris in shadows at the time she said that, so I think she must have thought she could feel my chest without Grandpa Jim noticing. But he did, and he gasped and put his hand over his mouth. That attracted both my attention and Iris’, and she took her hand off my chest. Then we stared over at Grandpa Jim curiously, to make sure his gasping sound wasn’t a sign of a new medical problem. Fortunately he looked alright, and Iris continued explaining to me, “It’s a curious part of his disability…we’re dealing with it.”
After having my chest touched, I was desperate to change the subject back to me and my book or some other non-touching subject. I said, “They’ve offered me an advance, Iris! They say I’ve written a best seller!” I don’t know if I passed on that particular conversation to you or not, little sis. My publisher did actually say my book would be a best seller. I also tried to get him to agree I had written the great Canadian novel, but the publisher said all he really cared about was how well the book sold and not about its place in Canadian history. That’s a little short-sighted I think. In any case, Iris’ response was also a little less than spectacular, because she said, “That’s lovely, dear!” with an especially long exclamation point. I have learned in my experiences with Iris, when she uses especially long punctuation it is a sign her mind is wandering on to things she finds interesting, like bunions and old lady perfumes and arthritis and how many dead people she knows and things like that.
Things got dark again, and Iris leaned her face in close to mine. I was afraid she going to go for a kiss, when fortunately, Grandpa Jim had another bout of cursing. It was, “*@{star symbol}!! Boxcar!! No! No! No! No! NO!!” I wasn’t sure if he was mad about Iris’ flirting or something completely different. Iris sensed my confusion and said, “He wants to be included in the conversation. He wants to hear more about your contract.” I wasn’t so sure about that. Grandpa Jim’s hand gestures left little to the imagination. So I said, “How do you know?” Iris said, “I can read him like a book!”
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanks to Grandpa Jim’s disability, Iris was forced to do the punning for the two of them. I felt sympathy for Grandpa Jim’s situation like I had never done before. Sheilaugh Shaugnessy may be draped in the glamourous robes of best seller, but now it was my Grandpa Jim’s turn to receive my undivided sympathy. He was sitting there in front of me, making obscene hand gestures at Iris. I know it was because Iris had attempted to make a pun off the word “book” since I had been talking about mine. Poor Grandpa Jim. He’s trapped in his punless body, having to suffer through Iris’ puny punning. I cannot imagine a worse fate. Fortunately, he will be all better by September, or so I’ve heard.
I’ll tell you more about my visit with Grandpa Jim and Iris tomorrow, little sis; and if you’re lucky, maybe the day after that too. Just to let you know, since you were sleeping over at that slattern, Becky McGuire’s house tonight; mom put Elizabeth temporarily in the storage room, where you sleep. She didn’t want Elizabeth to mess up the guest bedroom bed. I’m sure you don’t mind.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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