Liz berates herself while driving
Liz told me that on her way driving home from coffee w/Anthony (when he declined her offer 2 "escort" her 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding and revealed he'd been invited and asked a co-worker 2 go w/him), Liz found herself thinking, "DUMB, DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!" All in large, bold caps. Then she thot, "OF COURSE Anthony received an invitation 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding! OF COURSE he's going 2 invite sum1 else! he's not going 2 hang around 4ever w8ing 4 ME!!" Then the car behind her started honking at her, and the Howard-looking guy in the car 2 her rite was all, "Hey, lady! U got a green lite! What's wrong w/U?!!" Which surely wasn't xxpected 2 garner NE response, but Liz sez she clenched her eyez shut, unhinged her jaw, and yelled, "I'm a total IDIOT!"
Weird how Liz cd go thru an entire d8 w/Ger last nite and not realize he was Ger, even w/the fakey mustache. Liz: That was my bf, Gerald. He calls his dad "Pater" and his mother "Mater." He wasn't saying "Peter" and "Maytel."
Gah, I can't believe I was forced in2 that awful cinnamon bun/min-golf d8 w/Anthony last nite. Thanx 4 rescuing me, Howard and Becky. Kinda turned the tables on Anth there, eh? And OMG, can that guy talk abt himself, himself, himself. My head still hurts!
Apes
Weird how Liz cd go thru an entire d8 w/Ger last nite and not realize he was Ger, even w/the fakey mustache. Liz: That was my bf, Gerald. He calls his dad "Pater" and his mother "Mater." He wasn't saying "Peter" and "Maytel."
Gah, I can't believe I was forced in2 that awful cinnamon bun/min-golf d8 w/Anthony last nite. Thanx 4 rescuing me, Howard and Becky. Kinda turned the tables on Anth there, eh? And OMG, can that guy talk abt himself, himself, himself. My head still hurts!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:40 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:22 AM,
howard said…
April,
You are quite welcome for the rescue. Becky enjoyed tweaking Anthony's ear while you made your escape.
As for your sister's story, your sister said, "Howard-looking guy"? Doesn't your sister know I was acquitted? I suppose she didn't get a good look at me with her eyes all screwed up like they were.
When I pulled up beside your sister, it was because there was this long line of traffic building up behind her. The light had changed to green a few times and she was not moving. We would pull to the right to get around her, and I wasn't the only one pulling up beside her to try to see what was wrong. There was nothing wrong with her car that we could see, and I have to admit I called her lady instead of Elizabeth, because the person in the car didn't really look like your sister, her face was so scrunched up and she was so busy screaming at herself. In fact, the car didn't really look like your sister's car. So it was an honest mistake. She didn't move for me either, so I called the traffic police.
The police officer came up and got her to roll down her window and he said, "Yes, ma'am. I understand you're a total idiot. Can you be a total idiot who doesn't block traffic?" That finally got her going on her way, but the police officer followed her for awhile to make sure she didn't hit anything. After seeing this display, I understand completely what you said about driving with your sister in your latest monthly letter. I wouldn't want to ride with her either.
Howard Bunt
At 1:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well I came in here to tell you you were wrong, that my date was not your boyfriend Gerald, but a dashing man named Gerard, but then I read Gerald's letter about last night, and I realized you were right, of course I will not try to marry your boyfriend, that would be wrong and an unPattersonly thing to do, but let me know if you decide to dump him okay, I need to expand my husband pool from my ex-boyfriends and include some of your ex-boyfriends, remember, I only have until September to get a husband.
Liz
At 1:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur sis may b blockin’ traffic, but it sounds like she finally has it rite. OF COURSE the only reasn she iz evn thinkin’ ‘bout anthony iz cuz warren iz 2 bizzy in yellowknife 2 take her. OF COURSE wen that warren guy wuz jumpin’ ‘bout sayin’ he wuz flyin’ cuz she agreed 2 go out w/him meanz nothin’ 2 her. nothin’ makes a guy feel like a girl’s innerested wen she sez “i’m only askin’ u cuz u know the bride & my regular bf iz 2 bizzy in yellowknife.” or wut she iz prolly gonna tell warren, like “oh, u know. u were in yellowknife, so i hadda ask an ex-bf 2 go 2 the wedding. i cudn’t just go alone & tell peeps my bf iz bizzy workin’.” thoze thingz make guys feel rilly good ‘bout a girl. i dunno how much the constable knew, but if ne word got back 2 him ‘bout how much tyme ur sis wuz spendin’ w/anthony durin’ that trial, he prolly didn’t feel bad @all wen he wuz spendin’ tyme w/his soon 2b gf.
it’s gonna sound weird, but i kinda know xxactly how 1 of ur sis’ ex-bfs feels. i got zapata henderson who sez she’s innerested, but she always mentions she haz a bf named eldritch. honoria delaney-forsythe sez she’s innerested, but she’z in grade 8 & the only reason she’z @r.p. boire iz cuz she got caught @her old skool w/that bronson van daam rich guy she rilly liked. my ex-gf eva abuya iz rilly fond of tellin’ me how a certain part of duncan anderson’s body is more like a horse’s than mine. & i dunno wut 2 think 'bout zandra larson. i helped her grade sum paperz, but nothin' aftah that. every once in a while u stroke my ears, but then wen u realize wut ur doin’ u say, “corbeil koolaid flashback. sorry!”
OF COURSE wen u get treated like u don’t matter, evn a shlub like anthony is gonna get his feelings hurt & invite sum1 else. u kinda hafta be all thoze dumbs & stupids not 2 figger that out. i’m glad 2c ur sis iz finally getting’ it.
At 2:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. You may want to take your time coming home from school. Gordon brought over the truck, Elizabeth rented from him to move her furniture to her new apartment. OF COURSE Elizabeth had marked a bedroom set, a chesterfield, some coffee tables, her clothes, her computer, her teaching materials to be moved; but OF COURSE Deanna has just informed us that the bedroom set, the chesterfield, and the coffee tables are not to go. One reason is because the bedroom set was what you were supposed to use to sleep on when you moved upstairs and ultimately what my daughter will end up sleeping on when you move out, if your adoption papers don’t go through. The other reason is that mom and dad promised all the household furnishings stay with the house when they move to George Stibbs’ house. OF COURSE Elizabeth is arguing that the agreement to leave the household furnishings is only if mom and dad agree to the move to the Stibbs’ place, which is not officially official yet. Deanna argues that since Dad has already packed up his workshop, the move is unofficially official. OF COURSE Elizabeth is arguing she knows more about the word “official” since she is a school teacher.
I have a feeling it’s going to be a long time before we put anything into the truck. Deanna started checking through Liz’s clothes to make sure she hasn’t taken any of Deanna’s. Not that the Lizardbreath’s giant hips would fit into any of Deanna’s clothes, so I don’t know why Deanna is bothering. Deanna certainly lives in the here and now. Deanna listens to Elizabeth’s complaints with the open mind of an English professor considering the outline of a play, which is a nice way of saying she’s not listening to Elizabeth at all.
If you’re smart, smart, smart, smart; you take your time, time, time, time coming home, home, home, home. For some reason, I am repeating many of my words 4 times today.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My Mom called me with the news about Liz last night:
Mom: "Dawn, you won't believe what I heard from Connie Poirier today!"
Me: "Aw, Mom, not more Milborough gossip."
Mom: "Your friend Liz invited Anthony to Shawna-Marie's wedding, and he already has a date! This never would have happened if she'd just waited for him like he asked her to back when he was still married."
Me: "*Sigh* This place makes my head hurt. Um, I feel bad for Liz that she got turned down, but I'm sure she can find someone else to go with her. It's not that big a deal."
Mom: "Not a big deal! This is her childhood sweetheart. You should know how important that is. If you had dated more in high school and gotten a childhood sweetheart you wouldn't have had to find someone outside Milborough, and then you wouldn't still be engaged with no date set after 2 and a half years."
Me: "Mom, let's not go into this again. David and I are getting ourselves established financially before we spend money on a wedding."
Mom: "Humph. It's bad enough that you won't be able to wear white."
Me: "I've told you before Mom, I wasn't planning to wear white. It's not a good color on me. Look, I'll talk to you this weekend, OK? David's just now getting home from his business trip and we need to make dinner. Apparently there was some huge traffic jam around the Toronto area."
Liz, I'm glad to hear your date with um, Gerard, went well.
Dawn
At 6:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, i can't believe i'm abt 2 say this, but i took mike's advice abt taking my time getting home. i'm @ the mall w/eva. we did sum clothes shopping and now we r having pizza.
apes
At 6:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, April, April, April,
Formerly little sis. You can come home now. Actually you may want to rush a little so you can see the mayhem. Elizabeth and Deanna are dueling over the bedroom set, chesterfield and coffee tables using cookware. Elizabeth has her favourite pan for making Kraft dinner and Deanna has her favourite pot for boiling carrot coins. Mom is refereeing using her double batch lasagna pan, while licking the leftover bits out of it, so I don’t know how effective she is going to be as a referee.
OF COURSE my daughter said, “I’m scared Auntie Liz is going to get my bed, mom.” Then Deanna said, “When my kids get scared…I get strong.” Then Elizabeth said, “Don’t be STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID Dee. I’m a Patterson woman. I have taken down a cheating boyfriend with a pan before. At heart, you’re just a Sobinski. Before we’re done you’ll be begging me to take that bedroom set, or offering to buy me a new one.”
OF COURSE Dad and I and my son are just standing around watching the drama unfold. Dad said, “Now there’s Deanna. She’s a nice-looking bird. Well-spoken…good manners, excellent with finances and a mean right cross. Ahhhh, but if I was a gambler, I’d put my money on Elizabeth.” I said, “I’ll take that bet.” My son said, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” So I put down 4 loonies for my son, too. If you want to get in on the betting, you should come home.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'd better not bet. but eva wants 2 put sum $ down on liz. we're on our way.
apes
At 7:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Your friend is a nuisance. Instead of taking a proper Patterson passive stance, she’s yelling fighting advice to Liz, calling her cowgirl and telling her to rope that cow.
Now that was interesting. OF COURSE both women managed to swing their pans so they hit each other’s lips simultaneously and the pans are bouncing back and forth between their labial members and building up momentum.
I think it’s time to take the children behind some place safe for protection, like mom’s double batch lasagna pan. You might want to duck, duck, duck, goose formerly little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm glad i took the kids out 2 play in the back yard just as things were getting a lil 2 ultra-violent. we're playing sum make-believe game that merrie made up.
apes
At 7:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It’s a good thing mom’s double batch lasagna pan was big enough to protect my entire family. OF COURSE Deanna and Liz don’t seem the worse for wear, except their lips are even bigger than normal, if that’s possible. Deanna asked me if she looked sexy, because she certainly felt sexier with her bigger lips. I am not one to try to convince my wife otherwise when she gets in the mood, even though I think she and Liz look more like the women of the district of Kyabé village in Chad with lips pierced and distended to unusual dimensions with wooden disks. Liz has seen her lips in a mirror and is yelling something about she is ready to take on any female accountants that might come along.
OF COURSE Mom is coming in for a ruling. She has judged it a tie. Rats! Rats! Rats! Rats! That certainly messes up the betting. Liz gets to keep the bedroom set, but Deanna gets your old bedroom set (before you replaced it with the new one you bought), which mom had been keeping in the basement. She never gets rid of anything, does she? Deanna keeps the chesterfield, but Liz takes the coffee tables. Dad says that Liz gets more furniture numerically and so he thinks he should win the money. I maintain that a single chesterfield is more than two coffee tables.
OF COURSE your friend Eva is threatening to punch me out, if I don’t pay up. Why is she so violent? Before, when you had Becky McGuire as a best friend, she was a slattern, but she wasn’t a violent slattern. Well, I lost this bet, formerly little sis, but it was certainly fun to see two of the strong women in my life in a life-or-death struggle for furniture. Wouldn’t you agree?
Let’s load up this truck and get the Lizardbreath out of my house and into her dank basement apartment, where she belongs (until she moves in with Anthony after they are married, OF COURSE).
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I have done something so dumb and stupid. I got an invitation to Luis Guzmán’s Cinco de Mayo party weeks ago, but I forgot to ask my Jeremy flower if he would go with me. OF COURSE Jeremy received an invitation to Luis Guzmán’s Cinco de Mayo party! OF COURSE he's going to invite someone else! He's not going to hang around forever waiting for ME!! I'm a total IDIOT!
This afternoon after school, I went up to my Jeremy flower’s house and when Jeremy answered the door I said, “Luis Guzmán’s Cinco de Mayo party is coming up.” And then my Jeremy flower said, “What day is it going to be?” And I said, “May 5th.” Then my Jeremy flower said, “Oh, the Cinco de Mayo party party on May 5th. I know about it. I got an invitation.” Then I said, “Great! I came by to see if you’d be my ‘escort’.” I said, “What do you mean ‘escort’?” I got flustered by my poor choice of words and I said, “I don’t mean like you would be a gigolo. I mean you would be my date.”
Then my Jeremy flower said, “I’d love to, Honoria. It’s just that I invited someone else. There’s this new girl in school, who just transferred in from another school. I helped her a few times baby-sitting and we get along really well. I invited her to Luis Guzmán’s Cinco de Mayo party.” It was humiliating. I said to my Jeremy flower, “Hey, no problem. It was just a thought. You know, because you like music and Luis Guzmán is in my brother’s band, so he likes music.” So, Jeremy said, “I guess I’ll see you there, then.” Then Jeremy’s mom came up to me wearing a trucker’s hat and said, “Who’s your friend, Jeremy? Would you like to come in?” I said, “No thanks, Mrs. Jones.” I wanted to get out of there and meditate on my failure in a damp, moist, earthy place.
Then Jeremy said to me, “Oh, Honoria. I made you something I keep forgetting to give to you.” Then he handed me an envelope and said, “You need to open this before tomorrow!” I wasn’t in the mood to accept anything from Jeremy after I had messed up so badly. I am only in Grade 8 and Jeremy has all those older girls who are interested in him. He probably asked one of them. I feel so stupid for having waited so long. I missed my opportunity.
I might as well open this envelope Jeremy gave me and see what it says. Just a second. BRB……….
Well, dearest future sister. I feel even dumber and stupider than before, but it’s a good thing. I read over what I just wrote and I wonder how I could have missed those clues my Jeremy flower was planning to invite me. It’s like when your sister seemed to completely miss it when Mr. Caine said he would love to go to Miss Verano’s wedding with her, but she concentrated singularly on the fact he had asked someone else, and ignored everything else he said. I didn’t think there was a sillier girl in Milborough until now.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 8:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, i guess we'll c u @ the party 2morrow! luis sez he wants the band 2 do sum, like, fiesta an' mariachi kinda stuff.
apes
At 9:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Fiesta and mariachi, no. Tejano, sí. Our band does not have the correct instruments for fiesta and mariachi; but I did not expect you to know this, since you were not a refugee. Also chica, if you would por favor not break up with Gerald until after the party, I would be most grateful. And one more thing, if Eva Abuya decides to live up to her threat to punch out Gerald because she is mad at him for things which he has said about you, por favor step in and stop her. Duncan and I cannot do it, because it is not macho to fight girls, and not because we are scared of Eva.
Gracias,
Luis Guzmán
At 9:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
tejano, got it. don't worry, luis. ger an' i won't b breaking up b4 yr party. and i won't let eva beat on ger.
apes
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