April's Real Blog

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Here we go

So did U know that Shawna-Marie is getting married this yr? Me neither! But as they continued their convo @ the restaurant recently, Candace asked Liz, "So, have U got yr dress 4 Shawna-Marie's wedding?" And Liz was all, "Yes. I picked it up this morning. The matron of honour and all the bridesmaids R wearing different pastel colours. The bride will B in 'cream.'" Candace was like, "I'm glad I'm not in the wedding party. Who R U inviting?" And Liz sed, "Well... I thot I'd invited Anthony. I mean, he and I and Shawna-Marie all went 2 school 2gether." Hm, does that mean Anthony wasn't invited? MayB Shawna-Marie doesn't want him there. NEway, Candace was all,"What abt Paul?" And Liz cast her gaze downwards, all "That didn't work out, Candace." Candace: "And... Warren?" Liz: He's just a friend. So Candace asked, "And Anthony?" Liz sed, "...I thot it was time 2 find out."

Liz tells me she cda sworn she heard ppl out on the street yelling stuff like "Nooooo!" And "[Boxcar]! Code red 4 the Lovepocalypse!" And, "No it's only an OMG-code orange. He hasn't even appeared yet!" She also sez she had the uneasy feeling that she and Candace had been watched from outside the window during that whole part of their convo "when during the earlier part, it'd felt as though we'd only been observed from inside." Then she kinda shrugged and changed the subj. 2 howta accessorize her b'maid dress.

Well, Ger an' I sure had a lotta xxcitement last nite, eh? Honoria, U R rite, it was a v. bad idea 4 me 2 go along w/Ger and his plan 2 go off 2 TO in his mom's 'vasse when he hasn't even gotten his G1 yet. I don't know what came over me, xxcept I guess the idea of starting over in TO seemed kinda cube. I'm glad we both didn't hafta stay in jail overnite. In spite of Mike getting Officer Luggsworth all pissed off, and Ger having those recklessness charges against him.


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  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Our sister is somewhat slow in coming up with ideas which the rest of us have had for years. She thinks it is “time to find out” if Anthony Caine is friend, boyfriend, or future husband and father of her children; when the answer is clearly all of the above. This is despite my remonstrations about the constable and Warren Blackwood for over a year. At least, we can take a certain degree of satisfaction that she is finally getting her mind to the proper thoughts about her future man.

    The Shawna-Marie Verano wedding invitation to Liz was an interesting story. I am little surprised you claim not to have known about it. For the sake of you and your readers, I will tell the story.

    Some weeks ago, when the Lizardbreath seemed to be spending most of her time crying on her bed and holding that stuffed rabbit, mom delivered an invitation to Elizabeth in her bedroom from Shawna-Marie, that came in the mail, and which said something to the effect of “I want you to be a member of my wedding party” and “Why don’t you answer your phone?” Then Liz proceeded to cry for a few more days, except the theme was not, “Why did Paul cheat on me? Why isn’t Anthony asking me out?” but instead “How could Shawna-Marie get married before I do? I’m prettier than she is and I’m a Patterson.”

    This probably would have continued on indefinitely, except mom ran into Shawna-Marie at the local MegaFood store and she asked why Liz wasn’t responding to the invitation. During this conversation, mom found out that Shawna-Marie still lived in Milborough and had been available to socialize with Liz for over the past year and longer. Mom came home livid, and I remember her saying to me, “All this time Liz has been home torturing me with her whining, when she could have been out with a friend and torturing her instead.”

    Mom forced Liz to visit Shawna-Marie and discuss the details of the wedding, and by forced, I mean she asked Liz questions about her love life until Liz finally had either to leave to get away from mom or to actually talk to mom. Naturally, she left. She didn’t want to go, but when she came back from meeting with Shawna-Marie, Liz was quite excited. I remember very well, when she came back into the house and shouted, “Shawna-Maria is wearing a ‘cream’ wedding dress.” Then she had a fit of giggles which lasted quite a while. It was good to see Liz back in her old form of making fun of other people for their moral inferiority.

    Personally, I enjoy speaking with her on the subject, particularly the way she says, “cream” in reference to Shawna-Marie’s dress. It’s almost fattening.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dear future sister. I had an odd conversation with Mr. Anthony Caine relative to your story about your sister today, which could explain your question about his invitation. He called me up and arranged for me to baby-sit his daughter during the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding. But then he let it slip he had not actually been invited to the wedding. I said to Mr. Caine I hoped he was not going to be one of those uncouth wedding crashers I had heard about on the television. He assured me he was not, but he had high expectations he would receive an invitation from someone special.

    I asked Mr. Caine if he knew the bride or the groom, and he informed me that when he was in high school, the bride, Miss Verano and he and your sister all socialized together. I supposed the lack of invitation was an oversight then, but Mr. Caine informed me that when he got married to his, shall we say, French lady (not the terms Mr. Caine used), the only one of his old high school friends to attend was your sister. Given this lack of support from his high school peers, he presumed the lack of invitation was not an oversight, but intentional.

    My experience is that when someone says they are a close friend, but they do not get an invitation to important events, then they are either deluded, or there has been a break in the friendship. If Mr. Caine is correct that his old high school friends did not attend his wedding (and I have no reason to think he is lying), then I can only presume that he is not well-liked by his old high school peers. Certainly from your description of your sister’s conversation with her friend Candace, it seems clear she is trying to persuade your sister to consider a different date than Mr. Caine. If I were to give advice to your sister, I would also suggest she consider taking someone to this wedding other than Mr. Caine, perhaps someone who is better liked by her old high school friends. Otherwise, she may have a miserable time, because her old friends may shun her by association with Mr. Caine, on what should have been a happy occasion.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I remember back when I used to work with your sister, she showed up for work on a motorcycle, and made a big deal about the bike leathers she wore, which she had borrowed from Shawna-Marie Verano’s boyfriend. Your sister used to say that since Shawna-Marie would sometimes go on motorcycle trips with her boyfriend, it was a sure sign she had lost her innocence, because everyone knew about girls who rode behind boys on motorcycles. Of course, her boss at Lakeshore Landscaping, Lawrence Poirier teased her about it and said his life partner Nick had ridden behind him on a motorcycle. But your sister said, “She didn’t like that kind of talk.” And that usually ended the conversation.

    Judging from what your sister is telling Candace, I suppose this means your sister has written off Warren Blackwood, because he cancelled the date with her. I am pretty sure Warren does not have the same opinion, so it will be interesting to see what happens when he comes back from his work at Yellowknife. After the way Warren treated my friend and his former fiancée, Marjee Mahaha, I will relish his every anguished moment, when he realized he has been thrown over for a man like Anthony Caine.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, shawna-marie verano iz considering whether 2 hire me 2 dj her reception or if she iz gonna hire a live band. honoria hopes i don’t get the gig, so i can help her baby-sit anthony caine’s kid francie during the weddin’. honoria also told me that wen we get married, she wud sooner slit her wrists than have all the bridal party in different pastel colours, not that a delaney-forsythe wud ever do nething so crude as wrist-slittin’. i told her it wuz 2 early 4 her 2b talkin’ marriage w/ne1, since she wuz only in grade 8. honoria sed i shud just let her do all the plannin’. i dunno if thass a good idea.

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…


    i saw the clip of u & gerald being released from prison last night on the news. randy parker made a brief press statement, saying that this was just a teenage joyride that had been blown out of proportion, & that gerald posed no threat 2 the community. i think i'd rather stay in jail than help dr. patterson set up his new train layout, though.

    i never heard of having the bridesmaids be in different colours before, but apparently this is a new trend - it's called a color run. i still think it looks like a box of crayons, though.

    my brother was going 2 come over 4 dinner tonight (again) but he had 2 cancel - there's some kind of meeting @ the fire station about an emergency preparedness plan. he said something about how we're @ code orange & they need 2 make sure they're ready in case people panic.


  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    What a coincidence! Shawna-Marie Verrano is a client of mine at Sugar's Salon. She recently asked me if I'd do hair and makeup for her and her bridal party!


  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, i think u r rite abt anthony and not being invited 2 the wedding. tho mayB liz is only assuming (4 whatev reason) that he's not invited. and mayB her finding out he is = wacky hijinx? hard 2 tell w/my fam.

    jeremy, cd b a sweet gig, eh?

    luann, i hadn't heard abt that "colour run" thing. i agree abt the whole "crayon" thing.

    marjee, that's cube! tho u shd b 4warned, liz is a lil funny abt letting peeps do her hair.

    btw, i just got back fr. a driving lesson w/mike. the driving goes a lot better when i tune out mike going on and on, in minute deets, abt where he's going w/his 2nd novel. if u read his may 2007 letter, u will have an idea of what this is like.


  • At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Miigwetch (Thank you) for giving me a chance to respond to things written about me in your family’s monthly letters. Things are well in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The weather is getting warmer, and I have gotten used to living in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and going to the Spruce Narrows detachment of the Ontario Provincial Police, even though it is not as modern as the Otter County detachment where I used to work. My girlfriend, Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper), is well, and I love her more every day.

    Now for your family’s letters. Your sister’s letter is the only one which mentioned me. I see she still says she believes what her old boss, Gary Crane told her about me. Gary said since I had only lived in the Northwest, I could not move to Toronto, because it would be too unfamiliar to me. It would be too strange for me to live there, so that’s the reason why I ended up with Chipper. He thinks I chose Chipper because she is familiar, and not because of the gwanaaj (beautiful) woman she is. Gary Crane is gagiibaadadit (foolish). Just because he went to the south for school and a job, but had to come back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) doesn’t mean everyone is like him. Chipper tries to teach her students the Ojibway ways, but she also wants them to think they are good enough to get jobs in the south if they want them. It is hard to do that when the school principal acts like Gary does and says the only place for someone in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) or Spruce Narrows. Some days Gary makes Chipper very angry when she finds he has said this to one of her students.

    Your sister also mentions in her letter it would have been nice if I had ended our relationship more gently. You may remember better than your sister Warren Blackwood brought your sister into visit me a day early and Gary Crane pointed her to where I was staying with Chipper, and ruined my plans to tell her gently. I remember it. I also remember when Jesse Mukwa told me your sister decided to leave Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) right after she found out from your e-mail her ex-boyfriend Anthony Caine got divorced. I guess it is easier for your sister to remember something different.

    In the pet’s letter, your sister talks about when she brought her cat Shiimsa for show n' tell to the school in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) once or twice. I have heard stories about that lesson. Vivian Crane at the nurses’ station in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) said they had to bandage many children that day. Your sister must not remember what happened.

    Again in the pet’s letter, your sister talks about the big, fat, bushy-tailed squirrels of the South she prefers to the thinner red-tailed squirrels of the Northwest. She said the squirrels of the south were more entertaining. Chipper thinks “squirrel” is a metaphor for “boyfriends”, since she mentioned the colour red. Chipper remembers seeing a picture of her ex-boyfriend Anthony Caine, when she was packing and she thinks “bushy-tailed” was a good description for him.

    I don’t know if Chipper is right. Your sister could be remembering things differently again. I took walks with your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and tried to teach her the names of things. The red squirrel of the Northwest is called ajidamoo in Ojibway. The Eastern gray squirrel, known for taking food from humans, is called misajidamoo in Ojibway and they are all over Toronto. I think these are the clown squirrels your sister said entertained her. When she was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), the squirrel I thought your sister liked best was the zhagashkaandawe, the Northern flying squirrel. They aren’t in Toronto. I think your sister prefers the squirrels which live the closest to her. Maybe Chipper was right about that metaphor.

    Those were all things I saw, which I want to comment about. Miigwetch (Thank you) for reminding me about the letters.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, thanx 4 writing in. i like 2 get yr perspective.

    i mite think susan was on2 sumthing w/the whole metaphor theory if i believed that liz understands metaphors. one time, i was doing sum english h'work, and liz was all, "mayB i can help." and i sed i hadta go thru a short story we were studying and find all the metaphors. and liz was like, find all the what? and when i sed, "metaphors," she was, like, "god bless u."



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