April's Real Blog

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Liz wanting 2 crawl in2 a hole and die

So Liz just told me the next bit of what happened after Anthony told her he'd already asked sum1 else 2 B his d8 4 Shawna-Marie's wedding. She and Anthony went 2 Gordo's restaurant 2 have sum coffee (natch) and Anthony was all, "After the trial, we both got pretty busy. I knew that U'd broken up w/Paul and were C-ing Warren." Hm, that's odd. The 1st real confirmation I even hear that Anthony knows abt Paul @ all, and it's in the form of his knowing abt the breakup. NEhoodles, Liz interrupted w/"Warren and I Rn't..." And we just hired a v. nice girl, Elizabeth. She's taking my place in accounting. We get along well... and... I have invited her 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding." Liz tells me that Anthony looked so diff @ that moment, she wondered if he really was Anthony or an imposter. But she decided an imposter wd B 2 xxpensive, even 4 Gordo, and she listened as this diff-looking Anthony sed, "Otherwise... Sure." Weird thing 2 say after U've just xxplained U have a d8 w/sum1 else. Liz was like, "Hey, no problem! It was just a thot! U know, b-cuz we all went 2 school 2gether!" Anthony was, like, "I guess I'll C U there, then." A waitress showed up 2 ask, "Wd U like another coffee?" And Liz was like, "No, thanks." As she got up 2 leave, she tells me she was thinking, "I'd like 2 crawl in2 a hole where I can die."

Liz and I were having tea @ the kitchen table when she told me all this. Mike musta been listening in, cuz when Liz finished telling me what she'd been thinking, he kinda ran in2 the room and grabbed Liz by the shoulders. "Sister! I told U! This this is Y U shd have been more proactive! U know Anthony's track record. Of course he heard abt U taking up w/that gadfly Warren after yr breakup w/the Constable from up north, whatever that place is. Of course he asked out sum1 else. But how cd U tell him U were only asking him 2 the wedding b-cuz U "all went 2 school 2gether?" This was an xxcellent chance 2 let the man know how U really feel abt him, and nip that other potential relationship in the bud! After all, it sounds as if this "d8" of his is a 1st 4 them. Don't let them get 2 a second d8! Liz was like, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I never shd have asked Anthony out! This is Y I don't do things like this!" And she ran out of the room, stormed up the stairs, and slammed the door of her room. Then opened it again, cuz she always leaves that door open, even if she wants privacy.

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:30 AM  

23 Comments:

  • At 9:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. It is a sad day when I must recommend my slightly older little sis to express her feelings directly to Anthony Caine. It is plain to me as I am sure it is plain to you, her Patterson allure is fading. During the Howard Bunt trial, Liz didn't have to say a thing to Anthony and he was falling all over himself to be with her and to publicly fondle and hug her. It didn't matter to him whether or not she had her constable boyfriend. He feared neither the vengeance of the law nor any Indian voodoo magic he may put upon him. Even during the days when Anthony was engaged, getting married, or married with child to the Quebecois woman; such was Elizabeth's allure, Anthony had no problems with being seen close dancing or close hugging with Liz where everyone could see. But now he is setting up a date with an accountant and coworker, just like the man his ex-wife had the affaire with. Liz's allure has clearly fallen.

    It is sad to see Elizabeth now. Her nose seems to be more and more turnip-like every day. The nice heart-shaped girlish face is rounding off into a more generous oval. Her mouth gets bigger and bigger as if she could unhinge her jaw and scream to where neighbours several kilometres away could hear her. Her hairline shifts around her face at random. She is changing like mom did at her age. The difference is that when mom was Liz's age, she was already married and had me. It didn't matter if mom started to look different then, because she had already ensnared dad in the shackles of marriage and fatherhood. Now I fear that if Elizabeth is to ensnare Anthony, she may have to use an actual net and speak to him directly.

    It is not the Patterson passive-aggressive way, but what is a girl going to do when she has lost her looks? It's not like Elizabeth can attract someone with her personality. She's been in the house since last September, January with the whole family in the house, and you're the only one with whom she's managed to have more than a 5-minute conversation. When mom and dad have tried, she always ends up screaming at them, so they're scared to talk to her. When she sees me and Deanna together, she starts crying and mutters things about how it's not fair. And my kids are scared of crazy Auntie Liz. She's not said a single word to them in the last 5 months, and I think my kids like it better that way. At least we are moving her to her new apartment this weekend. Maybe I can invite Anthony Caine to help us and convince Liz to wear shorts, unless her legs look like mom's legs now. The thought is too horrible.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Recent events at Mayes Midtown Motors have me all awhirl. I hardly know what direction is up and down anymore. Ever since I moved into my new office, I've been acting strangely and people think I've been getting Botox injections or not enough sleep.

    As always, the most important news is about me. I’ve received a promotion out of the business office. It was kind of a surprise as it happend so fast.

    I thought it was going to be just another typical four-and-a-half hour day, but it turned out to be anything but. Donna and all the girls, the sales staff, and even some of the mechanics all had a meeting with Gordon. The only place they could fit them was the showroom. I couldn’t go. They had me staff the counter at the gas-up so there was coverage. It must have been a meeting about mailing procedures because each person went to the meeting carrying a one-page practice letter, from what I could see it looked like they might have been complaining about the printers, because they were showing the letters to Gordon and yelling a lot. At least that’s how it looked to me from the gas station.

    After the meeting Gordon brought me into the office, all sweaty and flushed. Gordon, not me. Sorry, over the last couple weeks I’ve had a little trouble forming clear sentences. Phrases like "got busy" keeps working its way into sentences of their own accord. Anyway, Gordon brought me into his office and told me I was being given an important management position with a new office where I wouldn’t be bothered by the to-and-fro of the sales staff, business and operations, or service. It’s the old bodyshop paint room but they’ve really fixed it up nice and the smell is getting better every day, though sometimes by the afternoon the hazmat dumpster starts talking, the violet recycling bins still try to eat my legs, and my pencils grow legs and run around on the desk like little stick insects.

    My new title is General Director of Go-getting It Done. Gordon said Mike helped him with the title, and Mike’s Gift for words came through as usual. I ensure everything runs smoothly at Mayes Midtown Motors by seeing to it that there are plenty of pens, sticky pads, and laserprinter paper available. When they run out of something, they tell me and I go down to the office supply store and get it. Then I’m done for the day so I have extra time with Frannie. I also pick up carry-out lunch orders and restock the coffee cabinets as needed. It’s a fun job, because I get to drive a variety of cars. Whatever was in the service department getting brake work is the one I get to drive, and then I report to the service manager about whether the brakes worked or not. So I’m multitasking, you might say. Gordon said that since I’m now a major executive at MMM he’s taken out a large insurance policy to protect his financial interests.

    So they had to hire a new girl to replace me in accounting. At the moment I can’t remember her name, but I think it may be Elizabeth. I’ll call her Maybe or Maybe Not Elizabeth for now. I think she’s one of these new Gothy-type girls because her cubicle is very dark and gloomy, and the back of her chair has this art-covering on it with her name on it like it’s a tombstone with a date just a short while from now, and in an unusual break with the no-pets-at-work policy she keeps this raven that only knows one word that perches on a bust of Pallus atop her file cabinet. In fact I think she loves birds because she has these pet black vultures that circle over her head whenever she goes out to her car. Or maybe its all the black cats running in front of her attracting the vultures. Maybe or Maybe Not Elizabeth’s got a chronic cough and a lot of times she grips her left arm and talks about shooting pains or the bad headaches that make her want to go somewhere high and start shooting.

    Maybe or Maybe Not Elizabeth hasn’t had much luck with men. They are always taking her to important social affairs and then something dramatic happens that results in the man leaving with someone else and getting married shortly thereafter. Or they die. Donna gets real chipper when she talks about it in the lunchroom and says “either’ll suit me.”

    So Maybe or Maybe Not Elizabeth doesn’t get out much.

    Anyway, I invited her to the wedding, more 'cause I felt sorry for her than really wanting to take her. I told her that since it’s a wedding she’d better not do the corpse bride look which is her usual attire. I think she likes my sense of humor because she laughed for a really long time. Like, five minutes. It got a little creepy, but she has a nice laugh, if you like the sound of lambs being slaughtered.

    Of course no good deed goes unpunished, as Gordon writes over and over again on his notepad whenever we have a meeting, and this resulted in my not being able to “escort” my One True Love Elizabeth to the upcoming wedding. When I told Elizabeth I was taking someone else she looked so stunned and silent I knew I had to get some coffee into her right away or there’d be one of those disconcerting time-space jumps that make me forget whether I know who Paul is or not. I’ll tell you more tomorrow, if I remember. The keyboard is nibbling my fingers. It tickles.

    Anthony

     

  • At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    In light of the way Miss Elizabeth treated my old academy room-mate Constable Paul Wright, I should have no sympathy for someone my dear old mother would have accurately characterized as a "hussy." Yet peace officers are taught to be compassionate, especially to the feeble-minded, so I will take a broader and more enlightened view of your spinster sister's plight. "Spinster" sounds like a harsh and perhaps old-fashioned term, but is it really so bad? Is it not time for Elizabeth to realize that she is "past it," and hardly likely to attract any very virile or successful young Canadian males? A long and lonely life dedicated to teaching the names of world rivers to 8 year olds could be very rewarding. Elizabeth could truly devote herself to a career, without the curse of love, children, and such. I strongly suggest she put away the lip plumpers and hair enhancements (whatever they are called) and strive to be the best "old maid" she can be. She could be very helpful babysitting for your brother and his charming wife and could donate all her trendy clothes and cosmetics to you, as you have certainly not yet given up all hope on ever finding a suitable young man.
    Hoping this solves all your family's many problems, I remain,
    Sgt. Royalson

     

  • At 12:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You people are all so horrible, oh my god, you just want to kick me while I'm down, well last night I went out back to the ravine with a shovel and started digging, I was digging the hole I would curl up and die in, well it was hard work, but the ground was soft, so I got it dug in a couple of hours, and I crawled down in there with the earthworms and the bugs and I thought, "Gosh, this is a lot like my new apartment," but it didn't matter, because I was going to die.

    Well I was out there for about fifteen minutes when I heard some people come out in the backyard, Mike said, "Darn it, Dee, I want to go over and visit Weed!" and Dee said, "The managers meeting at work starts at 7 tonight, I can't miss it, now that I'm the breadwinner!" and Mom said, "Get Liz to babysit," and Mike said, "We prefer April, even if she's...you know..." and he made some glug glug glug sounds, but Mom said, "April is at band practice," and Mike said, "Shoot, fine, it's crazy old Auntie Liz, then, where is she?"

    Just then, Dee cried out, "Why is there a big lump of dirt in my yard?" and Mom made a shrieky sound and said, "It's still my yard!" and Dee said, "Whatever," and Mike said, "Oh, it looks like Liz dug a hole and curled up in there to die," and Dee said, "Oh, right, she asked Anthony out and it didn't go so well," and Mom said, "Oh God, no!" and Mike said, "Don't worry, I'll help her," and he came running over, and next thing I know he was shoveling the dirt on top of me and saying I would die faster that way, but Dee yelled at him to stop, she said, "Remember, we need her to babysit. Also, this hole is another lovely natural feature of the yard for the kids to play in, like the ravine and the river," and I said, "I'm too depressed to babysit, I just want to curl up and die, I am going to be an old maid and never get a husband!"

    Then Mom put her hands on her hips and she loomed over me so big she blotted out the sun and she said, "Miss Elizabeth Deborah Patterson, you get out of that hole and stop feeling sorry for yourself, remember, the Good Witch promised you would find a husband before September, I thought it was Anthony for sure, but maybe it's not, maybe you need to get out there and find him," so I took the first step on the road to husbanding by climbing out of the hole and babysitting Merrie and Robin.

    Today I am taking a big step, I am deciding to join the "Meet the Elite" dating program that is run by the people who run the Milborough Social Register, to try to find husbands, they match you up with people who are similar to you in a group of factors, like age, education, attractiveness, and desperation level, this program has ensured that every Milboroughtonian who wants to get married does get married since 1904, granted they had a lot of trouble helping out Connie Poirier, but Mom says she had a lot of miles on her and that half-Brazilian love child, and even they managed to find her a banker eventually, so there is some hope I guess.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Good news - our alert status has been reduced back to Uh-oh Orange, so we've been ordered to stand down. The bad news is I'm back to mopping floors.

    Brad

     

  • At 1:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I see from your description of your sister’s encounter with Mr. Caine, she does not have the first idea of how to handle the situation when you discover that you have a rival for your man’s affections. I think this is all the more proof you should not take her advice to break up with my brother, Gerald. She made two clear mistakes:

    1. She tried to pretend she was asking Mr. Caine to Miss Verano’s wedding, only because they both knew the bride in high school. This sends a message to the man his presence is unimportant to her, which is certainly not the message you want to send when you have a rival.
    2. She did not take advantage of the situation to find out more about her rival. She could have easily pretended a friendly interest in the woman Mr. Caine described, and since the woman is working at the same facility, it should have been easy to gain an introduction. The more you know about your rival, the more you can properly prepare yourself to deal with her.

    For example, a similar thing happened to me today. I was in the R.P. Boire home economics class and I had just made a low fat sponge cake, and decided I would seek out my Jeremy flower to share a piece or two with him and impress him with my cooking abilities. He was not where I expected him to be, and after making some inquiries, I discovered him in the library sitting with another woman. I was shocked to see him with her, and all those times when he insisted we were not boyfriend and girlfriend because I was too young started whirling in my head, and had an instinct not unlike that which your sister had, which was to want to crawl into a hole with my sponge cake and die.

    Fortunately, a Delaney-Forsythe woman is made of sterner stuff than your sister. I approached Jeremy quickly and said to him, “Jeremy, dear. I didn’t think to look for you here. I made you sponge cake.” Jeremy looked startled to see me, and I was able to slip him a kiss on the cheek before he could protest. I said, “What are you doing, and do you want to introduce me to your friend?” Jeremy said he was helping this girl named Zandra Larson mark Grade 9 English papers. I was surprised and said, “Why isn’t the English teacher marking them?” The girl sighed ominously, but said nothing. Jeremy said it was because Zandra had the highest English average in the school, and R.P. Boire teachers like to use the good students to do their work for them. I remarked it didn’t seem like that was legal, and I also wondered how my Jeremy flower, who is a Grade 10 student could mark papers. Jeremy said he was doing the multiple choice questions, while Zandra was handling the essay questions.

    My natural inclination at the point was to ask why it was that Jeremy was helping this girl, and I might have gotten a long explanation about how he has helped you baby-sit before or how I have been busy taking cotillion classes and going on double-dates with my brother Gerald and I had gotten too busy to spend time with Jeremy; but who wants to listen to all that blather? Certainly not I. Another inclination I had was to excuse myself and find someplace to cry. However, neither of those would be productive. As I advised at the beginning when discussing your sister, what you should do is find out about your rival. So, I said, “Can I help?” Jeremy looked at me oddly, as did this Zandra.

    I sat there marking papers along with my Jeremy flower, and I had an opportunity to observe and occasionally talk to this Zandra between papers. I could see why she would have an appeal to Jeremy. She has the most alabaster, white smooth skin I have seen, aside from Mater’s. I try to get my skin to look like that, because Mater is so beautiful, but invariably I will get a little pink to my skin which ruins everything. Mater says it is because I spend too much time in the sun and because my veins are too big. But this girl has a very distinct difference from Mater, namely her bosom. Mater believes a girl’s bosom should be small and delicate, otherwise you will never fit into a size 0. She maintains size 0 is the most attractive to men, but I have observed that most men prefer a woman with an ample bosom, and this girl Zandra certainly had bosom to spare. It was plainly obvious even in her high-necked school uniform shirt. They were large enough to attract my attention and I’m a girl.

    But after a little conversation, it turned out Zandra is in Grade 12 and plans to leave Milborough for the University of Toronto and never return. It was quite a relief to hear she was not truly a rival, or at least a rival with only short term potential. April, if your sister had taken the time to meet Mr. Caine’s accounting date, she may have also discovered the same thing and relieved herself of her suicidal hole-crawling tendencies. Certainly his description of her made her seem most unappealing.

    As for brother Gerald’s escapades last night where he was at your house wearing a sari, and reciting Hindi; all he said when he came back was that you were not that interested in Indian things aside from tabla drums. Pater however, was quite excited about Gerald in the sari and held an immediate session with him over his psychosexual health and his gender identification. Between him and Mater, they decided Mater must wear Gerald’s sari in order to properly indoctrinate brother to the appropriate gender-specific Indian clothing. Then Mater handed the sari to me and told me to dye it white, so she could wear it without any shame. I asked my home economics teacher about dying it and she said it was so bright it was impossible to do without damaging the original material. I am at a loss what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    My suggestion is to go to Mr. Singh’s store, and buy a white sari in your mother’s size. You probably won’t find one that small. Buy the smallest white sari Mr. Singh has and then take it up to your mother’s size. If you need any help, you can stop by Becky McGuire’s house after I get home from work at Portrait Magazine, and I will help you. I think I have some PVC pipe around we could use as a tailor’s dummy for your mother’s size.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Bunt,

    Thank you for your kind offer, but Pater monitors my credit card charges very carefully after an incident I had at my prior school. I think a sari from Mr. Singh would be expensive enough to attract his attention.

    I must say that Pater does love the direction Portrait Magazine has taken lately. He was quite excited when the magazine featured Dr. Albert Bandura and claimed it was a blow being struck for psychologists everywhere.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    The author of the article on Dr. Albert Bandura did a very good job, and we are quite proud of it over at Portrait Magazine. I’m glad your father approved.

    How about if, I just pick up a white sari for you, and let you know when it is ready for your mother, so you can come pick it up. When you come over, your brother will probably be there trying to get “girl advice” from Becky as he has done for several evenings now. If you can take him with you, along with the sari, that will be payment enough for me.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Bunt,

    That sounds most satisfactory. Again, I will be in your debt, Mr. Bunt. I look forward to making your acquaintance this evening. Are you fond of sponge cake?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    I am fond of sponge cake, but bringing sponge cake is certainly not necessary for your visit. Bringing something to restrain your brother to make him leave would be better. Perhaps a frying pan or a heavy skillet.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Bunt,

    Very well, Mr. Bunt. That sounds agreeable to me. I will wait for you to contact me this evening, and thank you once again for your help.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I just got a phone call from my matrimonial counselor, who has asked to remain anonymous. He says that, since you are considering other potential spousal options, I should do so as well. He says he knows a girl who might be a good match for me, since she is a lot like you in many ways. He says she is eager to marry and have children right away, as I am. We are going to meet for a quiet dinner tonight.

    I hope you won't be angry, my love! I promise not to do anything sexual below the neck.

    Your devoted Gerald

     

  • At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I have my first date tonight, it is with a young man from the Milborough Matchmaking Society program, I hear he is very marriage-minded and has been disappointed in love like me, I hear he is eager to get married, apparently he got really high marks for being matched with a Patterson woman, he must be from an impressive family, I can hardly wait for our dinner tonight, I have to go wash the dirt and bugs out of my hair.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. My brother is preparing for a dinner tonight after consultation with his matrimonial counselor, and I saw the papers showing the results of his compatibility with her. I will copy the form in for you to see. The male response is my brother. The female response is his date for tonight.

    Answer all of the following questions
    Try to limit response time to one minute per question.
    1. How physically attractive are you? (rate yourself on scale of 1 to 10)
    a. Male response – 10. Few women can look at me without lusting over me.
    b. Female response – 10. Men chase after me all over the province.
    2. Are you at your ideal weight?
    a. Male response – Yes. I play basketball and hockey regularly.
    b. Female response – Yes, but it depends on how you define weight.
    3. Were you popular in high school?
    a. Male response – Yes. Since I play sports
    b. Female response – If by popular, you mean your friends did everything you wanted them to, then yes.
    4. How intelligent are you? (rate yourself on scale of 1 to 10)
    a. Male response – 10. I’m smarter than anyone I know, except Pater.
    b. Female response – 10, although my brother thinks he is smarter than I am
    5. How physically attractive was the person sitting across from you the last time you went out for dinner? (rate them on scale of 1 to 10)
    a. Male response – 1. It was Gussie Fink-Nottle. He looks like a fish.
    b. Female response – 1. It was Warren and he looks like a fat vampire, French mime, inconsistent boyfriend these days. He used to be much more handsome and more consistent.
    6. How important is winning?
    a. Male response – Very important. I like to score.
    b. Female response – Somewhat important. I hate losing my man to another woman, even if she is the same race as my man.
    7. How wealthy are you compared to the average person in your city?
    a. Male response – Poor. Pater has all the money.
    b. Female response – Poor. Dad has all the money.
    8. Have you ever participated in an organized team sport?
    a. Male response – Yes. I play hockey and basketball.
    b. Female response – Yes. I teach public school.
    9. Do you smoke?
    a. Male response – No, unless you are talking about my looks.
    b. Female response – No, unless you count an Indian peace pipe.
    10. Select your most effective work style?
    a. Male response – Sports team player.
    b. Female response – I’m a get it done kind of girl.
    11. How was the earth created?
    a. Male response – The good witch of Corbeil did it.
    b. Female response – The good witch of Corbeil did it.
    12. During a normal airplane flight, how concerned are you about crashing?
    a. Male response – My family never crashes.
    b. Female response – Not very. I have a hard time sleeping on planes.
    13. Can poor people do more for themselves to improve their lives?
    a. Male response – Duh. Yes, of course.
    b. Female response – Yes, if they can get my dad to invest in their business.
    14. Do you have or desire to have children?
    a. Male response – Absolutely. I want dozens of little me’s.
    b. Female response – Yes, please. Before my insides dry up.
    15. How physically fit are you? (rate yourself on scale of 1 to 10- 1 being couch jockey, 10 being olympic athlete)
    a. Male response – 10, although Pater won’t let me try out for the Olympics.
    b. Female response – 9. 10, only if they have the Olympics in Milborough
    16. How many times per month do you exercise vigorously?
    a. Male response – 60. Usually two times every night.
    b. Female response – 30. I have to chase my cat every day.
    17. Once you have started a project, how important is it that you finish?
    a. Male response – Not that important.
    b. Female response – It depends on how you define finish.
    18. Have you ever traveled off of your continent?
    a. Male response – No.
    b. Female response – It depends on how you define continent. Does NW Ontario count?
    19. What is the most common cause of conflict between groups of people?
    a. Male response – Whether the next song should be played fast or slow.
    b. Female response – Men who cheat.
    20. How concerned are you about humanity's effect on the environment?
    a. Male response – Very. Retards shouldn’t be allowed to send up roket ships.
    b. Female response – Very. Especially after dad misses the garbage pickup and takes a look at great stuff people have thrown out at the dump.
    21. Is there any excuse for marital infidelity?
    a. Male response – Yes. If my wife wants me to be unfaithful, like while she watches.
    b. Female response – Yes. If the man is married to the wrong woman, like a Quebecoise.
    22. Do you have a talent or way of seeing things that is completely unique?
    a. Male response – Yes. People often ask me why I didn’t see something coming.
    b. Female response – Yes. Some people view their ex-boyfriends as enemies, but I view them as potential boyfriends and future husbands.
    23. Is poverty necessary?
    a. Male response – Yes. Until Pater dies.
    b. Female response – Yes, for the first few years of marriage, until your husband becomes phenomenally successful.

    I think you need to be worried, April. This girl seems to be really compatible with my brother.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    weird thing just happed. anthony called and asked me out. he sed sumthing abt "what's good 4 the goose is good 4 the gander." i wanted 2 say "no," but it was mom who answered the fone, and when she handed it over 2 me, she flicked it on "speaker." when anthony asked if he cd escort me 4 an evening of cinnamon buns and mini golf, mom was like, "yes! she'll go!"

    omg, i think he's here now!

    apes

     

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    When would you like to be rescued by Becky and me?

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mboro putt-putt. down the street from mayes midtown motors. pls hurry, howard an' becky! it's.... omg, hurry!

    apes

     

  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    We’ll be there in a few. I’ll be wearing a certain sari you saw last night, so I should be easy to spot and I think the sari flatters my figure. I traded it to Honoria Delaney-Forsythe for an ultra-thin white one she is going to give her mother.

    I wonder how many accidental golf balls to the head it will take before Anthony calls it an evening? He may be too soft-headed to try that method. Actually I think I am in the mood for a good, old-fashioned ear-tweaking. Are you wearing a t-shirt? No matter. Becky will have one on.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 9:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, thank gawdfully i c howard and becky. hm, howard looks nice in that sari!

    apes

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky and I will play through and get in your way. The minute Anthony tries to grab Becky's T-shirt to stop her, make a run for my car!

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Well, I had a very interesting dinner, at first it seemed very promising, a tall blond Adonis-like man met me at Double D Pizza, he said it was his favorite restaurant, which is fine by me, because I do not care for fancy cuisine, as you know my favorite meal is a 4-quart saucepan of Kraft dinner and a package of Oreos, and I love pizza, anyway, one thing I liked very much about the blond man was that that he had a full, bushy blond mustache, very much like Anthony's mustache, when I complimented him on it, he said he grew it especially for our date, I was flattered, anyway, it was very loud in the restaurant, but he told me his name was Gerard, and we sat down, we each ordered a large pizza with everything, I think that is a good sign, and Gerard said it was nice to meet a girl with a big appetite.

    Well Gerard said he didn't want to waste my time, that he would come right out and tell me, he thought I was very alluring, and that he was looking to be married very soon, he does not believe in playing the field, he wants to settle down, he told me that his girlfriend has stalled him on that score, she wants a career of some kind, blah blah blah, and his matrimonial adviser said that I would be a great alternative to his current girlfriend, since I am also very interested in expedited matrimony.

    I said that was good and then I asked what he did for a living and he said he was still in school, I asked him how he thought he could support a family, and he said he has a trust fund that he will get when he turns 18 or if he gets married, he can probably convince this guy named Peter to let him have the money earlier, plus Peter is apparently loaded, and will leave a lot of money to Gerard when he dies, I said, "So, are you related to this Peter guy?" and Gerard said it was his dad, well I got upset and said I did not think it was proper for Gerard to call his father by his first name, but Gerard said, "Relax, my little flower," and stroked my hair and I felt strangely calm all of a sudden, Gerard has a nice way about him.

    Well then Gerard asked me if I wanted to dance, and of course I said yes, because I am an excellent dancer, and so we got up, and I was stunned to find out that Gerard is a fan of ballroom dancing, we did a lovely waltz across the floor of the arcade at Double D to the strains of "Who Let The Dogs Out," and when Gerard dipped me, I felt a funny feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, which at first I thought might be indigestion from all the pizza, but then I realized, it was the same feeling I felt when I first felt that I might feel love feelings for some of the men I have felt those feelings for in the past.

    The Milborough Matrimonial Society recommends that a first date not last longer than 90 minutes, so we had to leave then, but I asked Gerard if maybe he might be interested in escorting me to Shawna-Marie's wedding, and he said he might, he didn't know, that Peter and some woman named Maytel keep his schedule very strictly, so we said goodbye, and the MSS allows a kiss on the cheek on the first date, so Gerard kissed my cheek which tickled with his silky soft mustache and he called me "darling Elizabeth flower," which I have to say is a lovely change from some of the nasty names I get called at home by my ugly brother.

    I know April will tell you all about the rest of that terrible day I went to see Anthony tomorrow in her blog, I choose not to think about it now.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    Tonight, I met with my matrimonial adviser and asked him what woman I would be dining with tonight. As you know, my adviser wishes to remain anonymous, but he advised me that the woman in question was a highly desirable catch who was looking to settle on a fellow immediately, for the sake of her sanity and that of her family as well.

    Then my matrimonial adviser did something very odd. He told me that my date likes men with facial hair, and affixed a large, bushy mustache to my upper lip with super glue. He said that if I decided to marry the woman I was meeting, I could grow the mustache for real. I didn't tell my adviser that I can't even grow peach fuzz yet.

    When I got to Double D Pizza, I was surprised to find out that my date for the evening was none other than your sister, Elizabeth. I assure you, my lovely April flower, I didn't know that would be the case until it was too late. I noticed right away that her allure was still strong-ish, but not as powerful as the last time I saw her. Her plump lips of loveliness have now become flabby and obese, and she's really packed on the pounds, especially in her derriere, as Mater would call it. Your sister didn't seem to recognize me. I said, "It's me, Gerald," but she must have misunderstood. She kept calling me "Gerard."

    It was strange to dine with your sister as a potential life mate. She is very like you in many ways--same charming table manners, same sticky-outty tongue laugh, same puns, same complaints about your mother and brother. Against all my wishes, I felt myself being powerfully attracted to your sister. This was true despite some distressing problems. First, your sister sometimes, from certain angles, strongly resembled that retarded kid you hang out with from special ed. Also, your sister kept calling my dad "Peter," and asking why "this Peter guy" had so much control over my life. She kept saying, "Just say no to peer pressure, Gerard."

    I was, however, delighted to learn that your sister is very marriage-minded. She kept talking about being worried about infertility "at her advanced age," but she assured me she was legally allowed to wear white at her wedding, which was a relief to me. (As an aside, my April flower, I was sad to learn that, because of our night of wine and comfy accommodation, you can only wear 'eggshell' when you marry.)

    I then asked your sister to dance with me, and my, does she know some fine dance moves! She said that every spinster should learn how to ballroom dance, because it helps keep her from sobbing into her hanky when she attends yet another wedding of a friend in her unmarried state. I have to say that knowing your sister shares my passion for the dance makes her a fine prospect in my eyes. I am not ashamed to admit that I got a boner when I kissed her cheek goodbye. But, then again, I also got a boner this afternoon in French class, when Mlle. Petit-Bateau clasped her hand on my shoulder and said, "Nice improvement, Gerald!" when I got a B- on my subjunctive tense quiz.

    After dinner, I met with my adviser again. I asked him for his recommendation. He tells me that he doesn't care whether I marry you, my dearest April flower, or your sister, who also seems like she could be a very nice flower-wife as well, especially since she is so eager. I prefer you of course, my beautiful buttercup, but I leave the choice in your hands, as always.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

     

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