Not a Refugee
Yesterday, Mom let me go 2 the mall w/Ger, Eva, and Luis, even tho we didn't have an adult or Dunc w/us. I'm not sure Y, but Eva tells me she "fixed it" 4 me sumhow.
So we were having pizza @ the foodcourt, and I was complaining abt my living sitch: "Believe me, our house is mayhem rite now. There R 2 many ppl! --I have no personal space! I can't have a bath w/out little kids banging on the door. They're in2 all my stuff--they use my computer.... My sis got dumped by her boyfriend an' she's taking it out on every1. My brother and his wife have taken over MY room--I'm living like a REFUGEE!" And Luis, who was sitting str8 across from me, put a hand on my elbow, all, "No, U're not, man... But I feel yr pain."
U mite B wondering if Luis went on 2 tell us a true-life tale of being a refugee, but U know a Patterson can't tell a story all @ once. I'll tell U more 2morrow. Meanwhile, I wonder Y Ger sat as far away fr. me as poss @ that foodcourt table--diagonally across!
After what Luis sed, the mall sound system cued up Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, singing "You don't--have--to live like a refugee (don't have to live like a refugee)!" Spooky.
Apes
So we were having pizza @ the foodcourt, and I was complaining abt my living sitch: "Believe me, our house is mayhem rite now. There R 2 many ppl! --I have no personal space! I can't have a bath w/out little kids banging on the door. They're in2 all my stuff--they use my computer.... My sis got dumped by her boyfriend an' she's taking it out on every1. My brother and his wife have taken over MY room--I'm living like a REFUGEE!" And Luis, who was sitting str8 across from me, put a hand on my elbow, all, "No, U're not, man... But I feel yr pain."
U mite B wondering if Luis went on 2 tell us a true-life tale of being a refugee, but U know a Patterson can't tell a story all @ once. I'll tell U more 2morrow. Meanwhile, I wonder Y Ger sat as far away fr. me as poss @ that foodcourt table--diagonally across!
After what Luis sed, the mall sound system cued up Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, singing "You don't--have--to live like a refugee (don't have to live like a refugee)!" Spooky.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Eva, Gerald, Luis
posted by April Patterson @ 6:27 AM
14 Comments:
At 2:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i rilly hope u didn’t hafta lissen 2 luis go on & on ‘bout his refugee xxperience. he has a gr8 story ‘bout domestic abuse, the state’s failure 2 ensure protection, persecution due 2 sexual preference, & threats frum security forces & organized crime; but i dunno if i b-lieve it or not. a lotta his story sounds like it wuz made up by an old lady sittin’ on a chesterfield watchin’ viva zapata!
the only thing worse than that wuz the miserable lunch tyme i spent lissenin’ 2 duncan anderson moan on ‘bout how he lost both zenia parkinson & zandra larson in 1 month. “why did zenia dump me aftah 1 nite? why did zed snitch on me? why were eva & zapata @ picton hall?” i’ve hadda lotta girls break up w/me, so i guess he figgered i wud b sympathetic.” i sed, “i feel ur pain, man. @least u got away frum zenia b4 u ended up like fred halbmensch.” ‘course that kinda made duncan mad, cuz wen ur complainin’ ‘bout sumthin’, who wunts 2b reminded sum1 else had it worse?
i think my personal xxample shud be zandra larson. she came 2 skool lookin’ like ur sis aftah a new years’ eve party. i asked if everythin’ wuz alright, & she sed, “i got accepted n2 u of t, so i'll be @ trinity college this fall.” i sed, “congratulations” & zandra sed, “thanx.” that wuz it. no long convos ‘bout duncan & zenia. the only othah thing i sed 2 her wuz, “hey! u have sum rabbit kibble in ur hair. i can get it out if u want.” & zandra sed, “no thanx. i’ll take care of it.” then she went off 2 the girl’s washroom. i wish i had more convos like that.
At 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am so glad you decided to stop telling about what was going on in my life with my home purchase. After all George Stibbs is not going to have his house clean for a week, so there will be no home purchases before then. Writing about the endless conversations dad has been having with Deanna over not severing the George Stibbs’ property, where dad is trying to conceal his true motivation of taking over the entire yard with outdoor model trains, might not be that amusing for the majority of the persons who read your blog. Personally I found dad’s excuse that breaking up the trees on all 3 lots who grew up together would be like breaking up a close-knit family was particularly amusing.
I see you have decided to devote your time to telling your friends how miserable you are, which is a pretty good pastime for a Patterson. I have devoted a lot of my life to that myself and I have always found it to be a worthwhile endeavour and the source material for my weekly column Edgewise. Just be sure not to tell your friends that Deanna ran some network cable into the storage closet for you, so you could bring your computer downstairs instead of having to leave it in our room, which used to be your room. As for the kids banging on the door when you have a bath, be sure not to tell your friends you take mostly showers. That way, you’ll get the most sympathy from them.
By the way, when you friend tells you the story about being a refugee, be sure to listen for any references to being a cook on a windjammer or peeling potatoes. I could use a good reference source for my next novel.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
April is not reading your posts because you are still calling the rec room the "storage closet." She says once you stop that she'll go back to reading your posts. At least she said that before I told her that your wrote "our room, which used to be your room." She says you need to apologize for that and acknowledge that you are only BORROWING APRIL'S room. And be grateful.
Eva
At 6:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i was washing my hands in the washroom when zandra came in. i saw her removing something from her hair, and she said, "rabbit kibble." i sed, "yup, been there."
she got the kibble out pretty fast and was on her way. not v. conversational 2day, as u noticed.
apes
At 6:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, another thing, Michael. April wants me to ask you whether you even care when something you keep saying upsets her. She thinks you don't, because you keep doing it. I think she's right.
Eva
At 7:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva Abuya,
It’s a pleasure to write to you. I had to ask mom who you were and she said you were the one who won the contest months ago for April’s new best friend, after she finally got rid of that slattern Becky McGuire. Mom said it was a close race between you and an Oriental girl names O. Ranga Tan, but you were the clear winner.
She says you dye your hair to look like Storm of the X-Men, but I should not make anything of it, because you so nicely fit one of the majour qualifications of being a best friend of April, namely that you come from a family of refugees. I knew her friend, Duncan Anderson, was a refugee from Barbados, and April wrote about her friend, Luis, the refugee from Mexico today. I asked mom from where you were refugeeing, and all she would say is somewhere in Africa.
Both April and my mom are real fans of refugees. Mom hired a refugee from Argentina, via the United States to work at her old store, a lady named Beatrice Alfarero. Mom says refugees make the best employees and she much prefers them to people with ‘K’ names.
Just to let you know, Eva, my little sis’ viewpoint with respect to rooms in the house is not based on reality. Anyone who looked at the old rec room, would see it is clearly now much more a storage closet than a rec room. Nevertheless, I appreciate you sticking up for her. She certainly needs all the support she can get. The more friends she has the better. I certainly don’t want her to end up friendless like her older sister.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
My lawyer, Mr. Benis, phoned and said the appeal has been filed, and I needed to come back to Toronto for the bail hearing and to enter a plea for any charges for the prison escape. As it turns out, the Court of Appeal for Ontario in Osgoode Hall in Toronto is apparently quite accustomed to appeals being filed for trials occurring in Milborough. To expedite matters, they have a questionnaire to fill out specifically for Milborough trials. Mr. Benis sent me a copy and it looked like this:
1. How many witnesses did the Milborough Crown attorney meet with at the same time prior to the trial?
a. None. The Crown attorney did not meet the witnesses until they were in the box during the trial.
b. One.
c. Two, but they were witnesses to the same event.
d. More than two, at a party held at the witnesses’ yacht.
2. When taking oral statements from the witnesses, check as many characteristics from United States television were included as a part of the procedure that apply:
a. The oral statement was called a “deposition”.
b. The oral statement was not disclosed to the Defence shortly after the accused was charged.
c. The chair was for the witness was bolted down.
d. The witness was chained to the chair.
e. The witness was interrogated shortly before the trial for the greatest dramatic effect.
f. The oral statement was taken using medieval torture techniques.
3. In the courtroom, check which aspect of the judge’s performance most closely matches the judge in your Milborough courtroom:
a. The trial was orderly and the judge left most of the witness examination to the Defence lawyer and the Crown attorney, and did not usurp the role of any other member of the court.
b. The judge recommended parole, usurping the function of the parole board.
c. The judge ordered psychiatric treatment for a sentence to a facility for which that service would not be available.
d. The judge conducted the examination-in-chief instead of the Crown attorney.
e. The judge ordered the accused to be brought forward in chains and prison garb for sentencing, and encouraged those attending to mock the accused while being led away.
f. The judge declared the accused to be guilty before the trial was completed.
g. The judge declared the accused to be guilty before the trial started.
4. In the Milborough courtroom, which of the following items were present showing loyalty to the appearance of the Ontario, Canada courtroom:
a. The judge is sashed and gowned.
b. The court clerk is gowned.
c. The court reporter is gowned.
d. The Defence lawyer is gowned.
e. The Crown attorney is gowned.
f. The accused is gowned.
g. Gowns were available for sale in the lobby.
h. The coat of arms is present.
i. The Canadian flag is present.
j. The Ontario flag is present.
k. There is a portrait of the Queen on the side wall.
l. There is an autographed picture of Stephen Harper on the back wall.
Question 1: Score 0 points for (a). 1 point for (b). 2 points for (c). 10 points for (d).
Questions 2, 3. Score 1 point for each item checked.
Question 4: Subtract 1 point for each item checked.
Mr . Benis said I scored 9 points
Scoring Guide
-12 to 0 points = Are you sure you were in a Milborough courtroom? Place questionnaire in box marked “Appeal not likely to be granted”.
1 – 5 points = You poor sap. Now you’ve had a taste of frontier justice. Place questionnaire in box marked, “New trial.”
6 – 9 points = You’re lucky you escaped from prison. Place questionnaire in box marked “Acquittal.”
10 or more points = Sorry for what happened to your family and pets. Place questionnaire in box marked “Acquittal and restitution”.
It looks like the chances are good for an acquittal, although looking at those questions; I can see there must have been others with a worse situation than I had. I can feel their pain.
Howard Bunt
At 7:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
FYI, Michael, April says you sound "unrepentant" (vocab word), so she's still boycotting your posts. Out of curiosity, do you care?
BTW, I never won a "friend contest." April and I just met on our own, on the bus and/or in a class. There was some controversy about your mother planning a "friend contest" (fake or real) around the time of the whole "chicken wrap" incident and it ended up seeming like your mom was trying to embarrass April, like make it seem like she couldn't make friends on her own. Not true.
Eva Abuya
At 7:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, and my "not true" means it's not true that April can't make friends on her her. Not that it isn't true your mother wanted to embarrass April. I kinda think that's what she wanted. I think she (your mom) was in a bad place at the time, man.
Eva
At 8:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva Abuya,
So good to hear from you again. You said you were curious as to whether or not I cared if April boycotted my posts. Boycotting for her, simply means not responding to them. She doesn’t delete them. It is fairly obvious the reason is because I am the only professional writer who visits her real blog, and I gift her with my wit and witicisms at no charge to her. By not responding and taking the opportunity to develop a sort of Socratic Dialogue between us, then she is missing a chance to learn from her older brother. It’s a sad situation, only because sometimes April chooses to miss her opportunities and wallow in ignorance. But to answer the more obvious question, “Do I care?”. Certainly I do care about April. Otherwise I would not continue to try to reach out to her, in spite of her acting like a, I think the term dad uses is, princess.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
You see, Michael, April seems to believe that if you really cared, you'd cease the behaviour that she has asked you to cease. Can you understand why she would feel this way? And why don't you just do as she asks, man? I'd think it wouldn't be such a big problem for a "professional writer" to not refer to the rec room as a storage closet (or say that April's room is your room). See what I mean?
Eva
At 9:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
eva, liz sez mike does stuff like that 2 b hurtful. like calling her lizardbreath. he knows she h8s it, and alwayz has, but that doesn't make him stop. it makes him do it more cuz he likes the hurting.
he'll prolly deny that, tho.
apes
At 1:35 AM,
Anonymous said…
Eva Abuya,
As a professional writer, I use the power of words to describe the way things really are. April may not want me to call the rec room a storage closet, but if you saw it, you would agree with me. As for calling my sister, Lizardbreath, once again I am describing the way things are. If you smelled my sister, Liz’s breath, you would agree with me. My sisters may disagree with my descriptions, but they don’t really make any effort to change their situations, aside from going on walks with Dad and proclaiming that we should buy his dream retirement house, which was so wonderfully devious, I actually admire April for doing it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:04 AM,
howard said…
April,
We got back from Mtigwaki this afternoon and Becky said she wanted to go shopping. When she came back to see me, she said she had spotted you in the Milborough Mall with Eva Abuya, but she knows how Eva feels about her, so didn’t stop to say anything, because she wanted to avoid a fight with Eva. I have jail time tonight in Toronto, but they allowed me to write a little something to you, so you would know what’s going on.
My lawyer, Mr. Benis, said although my escape from the Milborough prison was necessary in order to prevent from being short drop hung, if I plead guilty on the escape charges, will probably spend about 10 - 30 days in custody. The likelihood I would be released on bail, pending the hearing of my appeal is remote, because of the prison break, which makes me a flight risk.
I’ll let you know as learn more.
Howard Bunt
Post a Comment
<< Home