OMG, I encouraged him!
More on my doggie walk w/Dad the other day. And sorry abt this and possibly the rest of the week. We'll hafta C how this all goez.
The dogs spotted a squirrel up in a tree and went nuts barking @ it. The squirrel ended up dumping a buncha snow on2 the dogs' heads, and Dad was all, "Sumtymez, it's better 2 B barking up the wrong tree." And I actually laffed. W/a big ol' muppet mouth. Y, y, y did I do that? I know it only encourages him, and it wasn't even funny. It's like that crayzee force was controlling me again!
BTW, when Liz read yesterday's entry, she remembered that when I was five, I asked her Y Eddie had 2 sniff everything, and she told me abt dogs using smell 2 identify ppl an' other dogz, cuz every1 has an individual smell. And she sez I went an' sniffed Dad! I'd 4gotten all abt that.
Now, I know what U mite B thinking. All this dogwalking is gonna lead 2 Dad salivating over that stoopid teeny-tiny train house. Well, I'll let you know l8r in the week.
Apes
The dogs spotted a squirrel up in a tree and went nuts barking @ it. The squirrel ended up dumping a buncha snow on2 the dogs' heads, and Dad was all, "Sumtymez, it's better 2 B barking up the wrong tree." And I actually laffed. W/a big ol' muppet mouth. Y, y, y did I do that? I know it only encourages him, and it wasn't even funny. It's like that crayzee force was controlling me again!
BTW, when Liz read yesterday's entry, she remembered that when I was five, I asked her Y Eddie had 2 sniff everything, and she told me abt dogs using smell 2 identify ppl an' other dogz, cuz every1 has an individual smell. And she sez I went an' sniffed Dad! I'd 4gotten all abt that.
Now, I know what U mite B thinking. All this dogwalking is gonna lead 2 Dad salivating over that stoopid teeny-tiny train house. Well, I'll let you know l8r in the week.
Apes
Labels: Dad, Liz, pets, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:34 AM
13 Comments:
At 8:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I had completely forgotten about you smelling dad when you were five. The next time dad encourages my daughter to sniff him, I think I will have to tell her that story. I know I should be working on my second novel, but lately I have had the urge to remember stories of things which happened to us before which are like things that happened to us now. I've also been getting an urge to put on a smoking jacket, sit by the fire, and do an Alistair Cooke imitation.
Little sis. As for the "stoopid teeny-tiny train house", I don't know what you're talking about. But if I did, I would say something to you along the lines of "While you're there, you should pick out a room for yourself."
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am in a different safe place today. It is not very comfortable. Thorvald and I were only here shortly, when we heard a skittering noise in the attic. Actually a lot of skittering noises. When Thorvald and I went to investigate, we discovered that the place was infested with mutant squirrels. There were squirrels walking up, down and sideways across the ceiling; squirrels with the heads of turtles or parakeets; and the most frightening of all were the squirrels who were making snowballs. Thorvald and started to run for it, remembering our prior experience with electrified rodents. The squirrels with snowballs followed after us and were pelting us.
Thorvald said, “Sometimes it’s better to be throwing snowballs at the wrong Viking.” I said, “What does that mean?” Thorvald said, “I’m having squirrel for dinner!!” Then up he went with his trusty axe and he came back with several dead mutant squirrels. Then he started preparing them to be cooked. Thorvald said, “When those upstairs get the smell of this, they won’t be bothering us anymore.” I said, “But you don’t know what kind of diseases a mutant squirrel may be carrying.” Thorvald said, “You can eat anything, Hoskuld, if you just cook it long enough to kill whatever’s in it.” It was squirrel for dinner, and as Thorvald had promised, we didn’t hear any more skittering and not one squirrel pelted us with snowballs.
My lawyer, Mr. Benis, is in the process of filing an appeal and I will need to be in custody of the Ontario Provincial Police for awhile, but it needs to be some place where the Johnston Institute for Better Learning cannot get to me. He said, “Can you think of a place so devastated, so forgotten, so wasted, so contaminated, so fetid, so malodorous, so putrefied that the Johnston Institute for Better Living would not visit, but is still supported by the OPP? Much to my chagrin I found myself saying, “Mtigwaki” and mentioning the name of OPP Constable Paul Wright. Mr. Benis said he would make the arrangements. Once I am in custody and Mr. Benis files his appeal, then I can have a bail hearing. Mr. Benis is confident I will get bail.
Mr. Benis said when the representative at the Court of Appeal read the appeal, which mentioned things like being sentenced on the same day I was convicted without a presentence report prepared to assist the judge in sentencing, or the judge trying to usurp the function of the parole board by recommending no parole, or my having to wear a prison uniform in the courtroom and being led away to the mocking whispers of your mother, sister, and Anthony Caine; he said he did not think there would be any problem in the Court of Appeal for Ontario, because the trial was clearly trial not conducted properly.
Becky still hasn’t found us yet, but if she reads this, she should try and remember the time when we were tracking the electrified rodents and the house we saw with the nest of them in it, and then go 2 streets over from there, and it’s the 5th house on the right.
Howard Bunt
At 1:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
stoopid skwirels. i hav ben pelting the ones in front of r bilding with these hard littl rownd things, but they wont go away. in fact, they are eating the rownd things ive ben throwing at them. rob says its becuz they r nuts. i couldnt agree more.
Bucky
At 1:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Son, don't play with your food.
At 4:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, if u don't know what i'm talking abt when i refer 2 the teeny-tiny train house, then this totally proves that u don't read dad's monthly letters. read them, and u will know.
howard, wow. i have a feeling constable paul wright will b motiv8ed 2 b v. helpful if he can.
apes
At 5:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Per your suggestion of an opportunity to get to know my father better and to test my journalistic research abilities, I scoured over his monthly letters back to April, 2004 and found no references to “teeny-tiny train house”. There were also no references to “teeny” or “tiny” or “train house”. There were 52 references to “train” and 51 references to “house”, but not in conjunction with each other. Mom’s monthly letters make 14 references to “train” and 48 references to “house” and likewise have no references to those other words. Your own monthly letters make 6 references to “train” and 30 references to “house.” My monthly letters use the word “tiny” 7 times (a good vocabulary word for you), and has 22 references to “train” and 57 references to “house”. I am second only to dad in my use of the word “train”. Once again, the power of journalistic research has proven (1) I know dad better than you do, (2) I use lots of different words and (3) my little sis thinks people understand what she is saying, when nobody does.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, u've proven yr journalism skills r poor and also u r way 2 literal.
no, dad never uses the phrase "teeny-tiny train house." that's my name 4 the little house on 2-3 lots he is always lusting over. the one that belongs 2 george stibbs. r u caught up now?
apes
At 6:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, sumhow i got trapped n a convo w/eva 2day. she sed 2 me, “well, my cowboy, now that duncan’s finished his sentence w/zandra, he can get on w/his life…move 4ward!” i sed, “u mean start up w/u?” eva sed, “or…duz he hafta get ovah zandra 1st ?!!...but now there’s zenia! wut do u know ‘bout her?” i sed, “she’z a nice-lookin’ girl. well-spoken…good manners…strips 4 money… devours men's entire b-ings… goez 2 mackenzie bowell university just outside of town… threw fred halbmensch n2 a water fountain last year…aka the picton peeler…haz a habit of sleepin’ w/zandra larson’s bfs.”
eva sed, “haz she slept w/u?” i sed, “no. my dad hired her 2 strip 4 me back in november aftah the gym/jam, but mom wudn’t let her in the house. she duz call up quite often, tho, 2c if i want 2 gamble w/my soul.” eva sed, “ahhhh, but if i wuz a gambler, i wud put my poker money on me & duncan.” i sed “eva!!! wud u stop w/the gambling language?” eva sed, “i’m sorry…i didn’t know u were so irritable. i just wanna point out the obvious. if zenia iz @mackenzie bowell university & zandra goes 2 university in september, then that means duncan iz mine. he can’t defend himself.”
i sed, “wut ‘bout april? u know how she gets ‘bout duncan @the beginning of the month.” eva sed, “oh, april haz that childhood sweetheart thing going w/gerald. she will never break w/him. so who do u think will win?” i sed, “is it counted az winnin’ if u end up w/duncan or end up w/o duncan?” eva sed, “don’t b silly. w/duncan of course. the cowgirl always gets the cowboy n the end. the suspense iz always 2c which 1 the cowboy chooses.” i sed, “y is that suspenseful?” eva sed, “aftah that, it’s luv, marriage, babies, & hardly ne time 4 ropin’ & barrel racin’. dull stuff.” i sed, “almost az dull az walkin’ a dog w/ur dad while he makes puns.” eva sed, “xxactly. so i mite not find out till just b4 september wen skool starts, 2 drag out the suspense.” i sed, “that duzn’t leave much tyme.” eva sed, “no, but the suspense is more important.”
& thass how that convo went. it soundz like a battle ovah duncan. if ur thinking ur innerested in him 2, u may wanna w8 till aftah the dust settles.
At 6:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, what's this rumour i heard abt u makin' out w/zenia @ the ht's and zandra walking in on u!?!?!?! what's going on?!
apes
At 6:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. If you meant George Stibbs’ place, then just say George Stibbs’ place. Then everyone knows what you are talking about. Anyone who reads about you from mom’s website, will know what you are talking about too. “Teeny-tiny train house" means nothing to me, but we all know George Stibbs. Besides, dad doesn’t like the very small model trains. He prefers the largest G scale trains, as you would know if you read his monthly letters.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
or, mike, u cd rub 2 brain cells 2gether an' figure out what i'm talking abt, like every1 else. not true that ppl who read abt me from mom's website wdn't know what i meant. only u cdn't b arsed 2 know. and i've been calling the place the teeny-tiny train house longer than dad has actually bothered 2 know who george stibbs even is.
and the "teeny-tiny" is abt the size of the house, not the size of the trains. stupidhead.
apes
At 9:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. As usual, when you're misunderstood, it's someone else's fault. Thanks to my efforts here to get you to explain yourself, now your readers no longer have to scratch their heads and wonder what you are saying. Mission accomplished.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:30 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Gr8 news! Ive got a new gf, Zenia Parkinson. Shes invited me 2 spend the weekend w/ her @ Mackenzie Bowell University. Im leaving Friday rite aft skool.
I dont no nemore y I evah wanted Zed back. I gave Zenia all the pressies I bot 4 Zed @ Hot Topic aft Zed stomped out of Horny Ts. I no Zenia loves me by the way she thanked me 4 the pressies. Zenia cld have ne guy whos seen her on the internet & she chose me! MCDunC rulz!
L8r. I have a webcam d8 w/ Zenia.
MCDunC the Xtra Studly
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