Smell phone?
I think Dad is slipping. I know Mike is gonna disagree, cuz that's what he does when I say NEthing even a little bit like this, but it's true. U know I h8 the punz NEway, but they usually follow certain rules, and by the usual standards, what Dad sed 2 me on a recent dogwalk just doesn't make it.
U C, we were out walking Edgar and the Dixierat. Dad was walking Eddie and I was stuck with the 'rat. The dogs were sniff-snuff-sniff-snoofah-snurf-sniffa-snooff-whuffl-snerff, snoof-snerfa sniff-snufflsnf, whuffa sniffa sniff-snerfing @ everything, so I was all, "::tsk:: Y do they have 2 sniff @ totally every single thing we go by?" And insteada realizing this was a rhetorical question, Dad was all, "That's how dogs keep in touch with ea other, April.... ...Smell phone." C what I mean? Not "smellaphone," but "smell phone." Much lamer than the usual sooper-lamosity, eh?
Apes
U C, we were out walking Edgar and the Dixierat. Dad was walking Eddie and I was stuck with the 'rat. The dogs were sniff-snuff-sniff-snoofah-snurf-sniffa-snooff-whuffl-snerff, snoof-snerfa sniff-snufflsnf, whuffa sniffa sniff-snerfing @ everything, so I was all, "::tsk:: Y do they have 2 sniff @ totally every single thing we go by?" And insteada realizing this was a rhetorical question, Dad was all, "That's how dogs keep in touch with ea other, April.... ...Smell phone." C what I mean? Not "smellaphone," but "smell phone." Much lamer than the usual sooper-lamosity, eh?
Apes
Labels: Dad, pets, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:29 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:07 AM,
howard said…
April,
I won't address the quality of your father's pun. However, since I was a dog back in 2005, I can tell you about dog communication. Dogs communicate by using body language, chemicals and vocalization.
Body language. When I was a dog, I would demonstrate my contentment by relaxing my ears and my tail. When I was angry, I would raise the hackles on my neck, I would make my ears lie flat and I would put my tail straight out.
Chemical communication. When I sniffed another dog's marks, I could tell if the other dog was a boy and wanted to fight, or if the other dog was a girl and wanted to be amorous. If it was a boy dog in my territory, I had to put my mark over their mark. The weird part for me was that the spraying came from glands around my doggy behind, which doesn't have a corresponding area on my human body, which was really disconcerting after I got turned back into a human. The messes I made were terrific.
Vocalization. You know these. Barking, growling, whining with some pitch variation, although not enough pitch variation to do a decent opera aria.
Right now, I am in a safe place. I have to switch places every day because the Milborough Police are after me since my break from the Milborough Prison. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, is trying to negotiate me turning myself into the Ontario Provincial Police, because they have some grievances with the way they were recently treated by the Johnston Institute for Better Living. It has something to do with some misunderstanding over their transfer process and statements made about the integrity of their male First Nations officers with Caucasian women. If I can turn myself into them, then my lawyer will begin the process of appealing my case, and he thinks I could get out on bail pending the appeal.
In the meantime, the place where I am staying has some sort of mechanical device nearby which makes some odd noises. It goes, "SNIFF SNUFF SNIFFF SNOOFAH SNURF, SNIFF SNIFFAH SNOOFF SNOOF SNUFF SNIFFF WHUFFL SNERFF SNOOFFF-SNERFA SNIFF-SNUFFLSNF WHUFFA SNIFFAH SNIFF, SNERF... SNIFF SNOOF SNUFF SNIFF" It sounds kind of like a pair of asthmatic dogs. The sound is driving Thorvald crazy, and we might not make it a day in this place.
I will contact you when we know more. If you see Becky, tell her she keeps missing the rendezvous points and she needs to check her list.
Howard Bunt
At 11:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Alas, I must admit that dad’s latest pun was not his best. He does have an unfortunate category of pun, which I refer to as the “modern technology or word use” pun. When more than 50% of the population of Toronto and the surrounding areas starts using something new for more than 2 years, dad feels the need to make a pun using the name of the new thing, for no other reason than to show he is keeping up with the times. It’s a problem all we Pattersons have. As the teenaged Patterson du jour, you may have noticed occasionally slipping into pseudo-teenager speak, where you use phrases which a modern teenager would have considered popular use several years ago. Just as I, the artistic writer Patterson, occasionally reference movies which were popular on the Lifetime Channel years ago.
It could be worse, little sis. Be glad you are too young to remember all the bad puns dad did when he discovered microwave ovens and digital watches.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i learned sumthin’ new. wen sum1 takes a trip 2 buffalo 2 buy sumthin’ @hot topic, u should not mention there’s 1 in the mboro mall. duncan sed, “but hot topic iz only in the st8s.” i sed, “this is mboro, eh?” & i quoted the l8est ads. i sed, “mboro, the little canadian town 4 all the chaps who wud rather b in england or the st8s, preferably england.” duncan didn’t seem 2 happ 2 hear it, particularly when i imit8ed the guy in the ad, sayin’ “wenevah i miss jolly old england, i just come 2 mboro. here’s a place where a chap can say, ‘tah’, ‘i used the po’, and ‘i played football in my garden’ & not b looked @funny.” then the lawyer dressed in a plain suit in the courtroom who says, “i wanted 2 take depositions & do verdicts & sentencing on the same day, just like in the st8s, but i didn’t want 2 live in the st8s. mboro wuz perfect 4 me. it has a legal system like no othah place n canada.”
duncan sed, “alright. don’t remind me. did u give zed sumthin’ 4 her bd on feb 22?” i sed, “not rilly.” which iz true cuz my weekly tutor @skool, zenobia barnaby wunted 2 give her sumthin’ & i just kinda contributed sum money 2 the gift cuz it wuz kinda xxpensive. zandra’z bd last thursday wuz the same day az our usual tutor session, so i let zenobia handle it. i couldn’t tell if zandra liked it, cuz i don’t rilly have the same taste az zenobia or zandra. zandra seemed kinda distant tho.
so i sed 2 duncan, “how r thingz w/u & zandra? have u patched thingz up?” duncan sed, “i’m not tellin’ u.” i sed, “how ‘bout the band?” duncan sed, “it’s weird in the band. i thot i wuz gonna leave the band, but then i didn’t. & then in rehearsals, april does this thing where she backs up n2 me wen she sings & she sez gerald iz not in the picture & i dunno wut it means.” i sed, “prolly poor sense of balance, but it iz gettin’ close 2 the beginnin’ of the month. so, she might b gettin’ close 2 goin’ crayzee 4 u, like she seemz 2 do @the beginning of every month." duncan sed, “rite. i better b reddy this tyme.”
At 1:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
if howie keeps this up, i m gonna call off r ngagement. he keeps saying how i'm wrong an' that's y we're never meeting up. well i think it's this list of rendezvous points that's wrong! dad never gets nething rite, y should this b ne diff?
neway, i think i m gonna stop trying. it's a skool day. also, freyfaxi got hungry an' ripped in2 the bag w/ the rancid shark meat the other nite when we were trying 2 rendezvous w/ dad an' howie at the big & tall men's store.
neway, after that, i went home 2 veg out in frunt of the tube an' w8 2 c if dad called. i saw this rerun of "star trek: the next generation" which isn't my usual kind of thing but howie thinks a lot of the guyz on that show r hot. whatevs. neway, the episode wuz 1 where captain baldy had 2 try 2 communicate w/ a new alien species. in order 2 talk 2 these peeps, he had 2 learn their history an' stories cuz the way they talked wuz 2 use lots of xxamples an' allusions an' comparisons an' stuff.
i think mayb ur fam is like that, apes, xxcept in order 2 communicate w/ u guyz, a person has 2 know how 2 pun. i wonder what u all would do if u evah met a person who didn't understand punz? i'm guessing the same as when capt. baldy didn't know the story of "amadou at tanagra." total communication breakdown.
becks
At 1:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You selfish brat, this was supposed to be my week to be important, to maybe FINALLY get a husband, but no, you had to go and steal the show, first by visiting Grandpa (where do you get your crazy ideas?) and then by going for a walk with Dad and the dogs and making puns, it's horrible, I can't spend another week just waiting for my turn to be important again, I am almost 26!!!
Liz
Only 120 days until I'm too old to find a man get married and have babies!!!
At 3:49 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Sorry for the confusion. I am currently located in the place beside the place below the entrance just to the left of the tree near the outdoor food stand where I once bought you that outstanding Hungarian felafel. If you get lost, just follow the "SNIFF SNUFF" sounds.
Howard Bunt
At 6:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, thanx 4 the info on dogs. i think my dad doesn't really care so much abt understanding dogz as he does abt looking 4 a chance 2 make his terrible puns.
mike, u agreed w/me! total shock!
jeremy, i guess that xxplainz y dunc was kinda muttering 2 himself under his breath like pretty much every time i saw him in the halls 2day.
becks, i think the rest of my fam (not me!) wd totally freak if they hadta communic8 w/ppl who can't understand puns.
liz, i didn't pun, dad did! try 2 keep up. u'll never get a husband if u can't keep a simple lil fact like that str8!
apes
At 6:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I don’t know why you are in shock I agree with you. We agree on most things. For example:
1. You said it was a pain in the butt having to do your homework on your computer, when it was in Deanna’s and my room. I agree. I remember very well sitting on one of your homework projects accidentally and it did hurt my bottom. It’s a good thing Deanna ran some network cable down to the storage closet for you so you could do your homework there.
2. You said that babysitting is exhausting, because it's impossible to keep both children in your sight unless you're in one room with the doors closed. I agree. Just thinking about taking care of the children exhausts me, particularly my little shoulder-biting daughter.
3. You complain that the storage closet is filled full of boxes of junk and it’s not your junk. I agree. I wish mom had not reneged on paying for the storage unit, like she said she would do. I would much rather have it there, than in the storage closet where the animals in there do who’s-knows-what with our junk.
You see little sis. There are many things we agree on. We are both Pattersons, after all. It shouldn’t be that surprising.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, if u don't stop calling the rec room a "storage closet" i m going back 2 boycotting yr comments. AND i'm gonna fix tings so YOU hafta take care of yr OWN kids when dee is not available to do so.
apes
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