Mike Dithers

When Dad an' I got back from walking the doggies the other day, we found Mike loading the dishwasher in the kitchen (shock!) and suggested he buy the Stibbs house (aka teeny-tiny train house). He totally went in2 soap-opera mode while dithering over this decision all melodrama-like. Here's what he posted l8 last nite:

April,

Little sis. Life is full of choices and those choices tell you what kind of person you are. For example, when my lovely wife Deanna picked up a new shampoo called Orange Sections, I told her it would probably make her hair from the back look like it was a peeled orange waiting to be split into sections. But Deanna chose not to believe me, and sure enough every time I look at the back of her head, I get a sudden craving for citrus.

Or another example, when I was washing clothes and I decided to squirt a little shot of bleach at the Lizardbreath’s cat and the bleach went right into where I was washing my green turtle-neck, I realized I had made a choice for feline aggression which might make me pay with my fashion sense. When my green shirt developed a mysterious white line around the sleeves and the waist, I said to myself, “If anyone asks, I will just say, ‘colourist error’.” In reality I know it was because of a choice I made.

Years ago when my mother-in-law offered to buy a house for me and Deanna in Burlington, near where they live, I made the choice to turn her down, because I knew I wanted Deanna and me to earn our first house ourselves. I was so confident I had made the right decision. I knew how mom and dad felt about giving monetary gifts, when it was not a business investment. I thought to myself, “My father and mother would never, ever offer to buy me a house or even to help me buy a house. They would sooner have me getting my food from a soup kitchen.”

Then when I had to lay someone off at Portrait Magazine, I made the choice to lay myself off. I thought it was better to sacrifice myself, even though without a salary it would nearly impossible for Deanna and me to qualify for a home loan. It was worth it to know that the jobs of my fellow Portrait employees had been saved by me sticking to my moral center. It was a choice I was glad to make, and showed the world exactly how a Patterson deals with a moral crisis.

Then when dad said to me, “We could help you with the mortgage, son!---I’ll tell you what—Why don’t you two sleep on it.” I was filled with a sense of wonder, sense of shock, and a sense that my father had been taken over by aliens. What choice should I make? Should I stick by sense of Patterson right and wrong, which says I should do it myself? Or should I take advantage of an offer my father made when he was clearly affected mentally by the dog-walking?

But then I thought more carefully about it. That mortgage is going to have some stipulations. I suspect I will have to turn the yard over to my father’s trains. I suspect that dad wants me to buy the house, because he couldn’t convince mom to buy it and he wants to use me to get around her.

I suspect that you stood in the kitchen talking to me like I was some schoolgirl with your “What do you think? It’s the cutest little house an’ it’s just down the street! You could buy it an’ we could be neighbo(u)rs!” Now it’s painfully obvious, this is just a ploy by you to get us out of your room and get you of out of the storage closet where you sleep. Both you and dad are pushing an idea which is just like the one Mira Sobinski offered me. Having Deanna and me and the kids in the house since Christmas Eve has stretched the two of you so far, you are willing to sacrifice your Patterson money ethic to get us out of the house. Shame on you both.

Now the question stands before me: Do I make the choice to sacrifice my Patterson money ethic too, or do I stand up for my beliefs and turn down dad’s offer? Deanna and I lay in bed and I had planned to discuss it with her, but there was this thing on the ceiling which was too distracting. Maybe tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

C Becks, it mite happen! Oh, and Mike? I'm boycotting yr comments again. Cuz I told U I'd do that if U didn't stop calling the rec room a "storage closet" and there U go doing it again. What IS yr prob, NEway? Y R U so insensitive?

Apes