This one's 4 the DAWGS!
So of course we got 2 that part of the walk where Dad totally gawks over the teeny-tiny train house [George Stibbs's house for those w/Mikelike impairments]. And since Dad has a thing abt pretending that this isn't his entire reason 4 going on the walk w/me @ all, and acting like we just happen 2 B passing by it by accident, I was all, "There's the little house U like, Pop!" And he, all casual like he wasn't even going 2 look: "Uh huh." Then I was thinking abt how I know Dad has been chomping @ the bit the buy that place 4evs but Mom hasn't allowed that 2 happen, so I decided 2 take another approach 2 uncrowding our living sitch: "Hey, I just thot of sumthing!" "Just" is a bit of a stretch but this is communic8ing w/DAD. U need a strategy. Then I went on w/"Mike an' Dee shd buy it! They're gonna get $25K soon--they cd move here an' B rite down the street fr. us!!" Then, I leapt up in the air, all, "WOOOO HOOOO!!! I'm so totally smart!! I surprise myself sumtymez w/my own brilliance!" Then Dad went silent and I went eyeless, so I went, "What?" Cuz I cdn't C NEthing. And when my eyez came back, I saw that I'd kicked up snow on2 Dad an' the doggies. As soon as the doggies shook the snow off of their fur, they looked up @ Dad & got this total gleeful look, the kind they get when they R inwardly laffing, like @ Buttsy or poor Shiimsa. And I know they musta been thinking sumthin' like, "LOL, how do U like it, PUN BOY!" I'm pretty sure I caught them high-fiving when they thot no1 was lookin'.
NEway, my big "Wooo Hoooo" leap was pretty lame, but I've learned I've gotta do sumthing ostentatious 2 get Dad's attention, yo.
Apes
NEway, my big "Wooo Hoooo" leap was pretty lame, but I've learned I've gotta do sumthing ostentatious 2 get Dad's attention, yo.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Dad, pets
posted by April Patterson @ 6:02 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:30 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, oh, man, oh man.
Zed & the Z-girls are all after me. Sum1 put a new lock on my locker must of been Zed cos shes the only 1 who nos my combination & I had 2 get the janitor 2 cut it off. Then I had 2 carry my coat & boots & all my books 2 homeroom cos I cldnt leave them in a locker w/o a lock. I kept dropping stuff & Zenobia or Zapata wld kick it further away when I tried 2 pick it up. I tripped on sumthing & fell on my way 2 1st class. I think that sumthing was Zapata's foot. Now Im w8ing 4 my mom 2 pick me up & take me 2 hospital 4 an xray.
I nevah got a chance 2 tell Zed that I didnt ask Zenia 2 come 2 Horny Ts. Zenia just showed up. She nevah said a word 2 me, she just started kissing me. I wldnt have been that cold 2 Zed, but Im still happy Zenia decided she loves me. Zenia is the woman 4 me!
I wish I was u, Apes, u will b 16 yo in 32 days & then u can leave home. I have 2 w8 till June. Im going 2 Picton Im going 2 ask Zenia this weekend if she wants 2 get an apt w/ me.
L8r. I c my moms car in the parking lot.
MCDunC
At 12:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, nothin’ so scary az comin’ 2 skool & the 1st thing u c iz zapata henderson & zenobia barnaby w8in’ 4u. i sed, “more innerestin’ questionz i don’t unnerstand?” zapata sed, “no, jeremy. zenobia & i r actually innerested n ur knowledge.” zenobia sed, “yes. it is tyme 4 the tutor 2b the tutee.” i sed, “tutee? is that the rite word?” zenobia sed, “yes. altho i am beginnin’ 2 think consultin’ u iz a mistake.” i sed, “ok. wut do u wanna know?”
zapata sed, “wen a girl wunted revenge against u, wut iz the worst she evah did?” i sed, “tangi origami bit n2 my hand & left this scar. eva abuya punched me out & left this scar on my head. rebecca used xxplodin’ clownz & left a scar on my butt. i got sum gr8 scarz from april patterson, but those were technically my fault 4 pullin’ my bike n fronta that truck. i have scarz 2 remembah mosta the girls who didn’t like me.”
zapata sed, “scars r good.” zenobia sed, “no, zapata. if u scar sum1, sympathy goez their way. nething which duzn’t involve hospitalization?” i sed, “if u wunt revenge, april patterson wuz the best. she made up the germy, wormy jeremy jones song, which peeps still sing 6 years l8er.” zapata sed, “the song iz good. nethin’ more like that?” i sed, “rebeccah kicked in my locker. alexandra & rebeccah gave me sumthin’ 2 drink which turned my pee n2 a diff colour.”
zenobia sed, “"hey, i just thot of sumthing! we cud change the lock on hiz locker." then she leapt up in the air, all, "woooo hoooo!!! i'm so totally smart!! i surprise myself sumtymez w/my own brilliance!" zapata sed, “zenobia! wtf? ur startin’ 2 act like april patterson. locker & kickin’. i can get n2 that.” zenobia sed, “i guess that xxplainz y ur bf eldritch always haz bruises on his calves.” zapata sed, “well, he deserves it.” then they walked off. judgin’ frum duncan’s post, i guess they decided 2 go 4 locker.
At 1:51 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am in a different safe house today. The guy who owns it says I should refer to him by a different name than his real name for his safety, if I write about him. So, for our purposes, his name is Steorge. Steorge has a history of hate for the Johnston Institute for Better Living, which apparently makes him ideal for a safe house. He blames the Johnston Institute for the death of his wife back in 2005. As Steorge explains it, the Johnston Institute wanted his house and then when he and his wife refused to sell, the daily harassment began and has not eased up since then. Steorge said the harassment caused his wife to die. I am not sure if his story adds up, but he does seem a little frazzled. He agreed to sell several months ago, but the Johnston Institute then told him that there were issues which needed to be dealt with and he should just keep his home available for purchase for a year. I feel sorry for the guy. Thorvald said to me, “Whatever you do, don’t say the word ‘train’ around Steorge. He goes really crazy. I had to threaten him with my axe to get him to calm down.”
The safe house is better then the one infested by mutant squirrels, but it is small. Thorvald’s head keeps hitting the ceiling lights and he has to bend down going through the doors. Becky has finally joined us, but declared the house too small for her to stay for more than a visit. As she phrased it, the house would be a suitable dog house for Freyfaxi, her giant dog, but nothing a normal family would want to live in unless they were into suffering.
My lawyer, Mr. Benis has made the arrangements for me to be taken into custody of Constable Paul Wright in Mtigwaki, so he can file the appeal on my case. The idea of going back to that hellhole, sends shivers down my spine. Becky says she wants to come with me, but Thorvald wants her to stay in school, because she is too easy to follow. We will see who wins.
Howard Bunt
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The George Stibbs house is tiny. It has a big yard covering 3 lots, but with 2 adults and 2 rapidly-growing children, it may be too small. Thanks for your moment of brilliance, but I had a completely different house in my mind when I was thinking of my first house for me an my children and my wife.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
no offense, but ur plan duzn't seem so incredibly brilliant 2 me. more like sooper obvious. bsides, it's u an' ur 'rents who will b moving 2 the teeny tiny choo choo house. remember, ur mom an' mike have a shared fantasy abt mike bringing his kids up in ur freeky 1970s-looking fun-house designed yukko homested. like it's sumthing special. whatevs. also, the teeny-tiny choo-choo house would not have a sewing room 4 dee. duh.
becks
p.s.--if nebody sees howie, let me know, ok?
At 4:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
nevah mind my last post. i wrote that earlier an' saved it as a draft, an' i think my email went wonky. but the stuff abt u livin' in the choo choo house stands.
i hope u don't grow ne taller. that is all i will say. cuz that house is small. an' u will b sharing a room w/ choo choo gear.
becks
At 5:32 PM,
howard said…
April,
When Becky found us at the safe house, we had a brief moment playing outside in the snow like we were kids and not fiancé and fiancée. This was of course, until we realized we were playing in mutant snow. Most snow has the good sense to stick to the ground and to only move about for a snow plow or a good strong wind or someone making a snow ball. This snow, however, went leaping off the ground for almost no provocation whatsoever and hurtled itself up and down Becky and me. When we got to the point where we both looked like walking snowpersons, we called the outdoor fun and games to a halt. I asked Steorge why the snow was so strange and all he would say is, “It’s preparing for the laying of tracks.” After the mutant squirrels and the mutant snow, I am actually looking forward to the trip to Mtigwaki. Things are getting too weird in Milborough.
Howard Bunt
At 6:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i know it was obvious insteada brill, i just sed that stuff 2 mess w/dad.
i think it's true that mom will eventually agree 2 sell our house 2 mike an' move in2 the lil train house. BUT! she's been making a hella big deal 2 dad abt not b-ing ready, abt needing the space.
so i think what cd happ is that mike buyz the lil house and lives there a coupla yrs, mayB until i go 2 uni. then he'd swap houses w/mom an' dad.
apes
At 6:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, ur wrong. remember how ur mom is alwayz muttering under her breth abt how everything has 2 b "just rite" b4 the end of this fall? like it's d-day or sumthing? no. there won't b plans 4 "perfection", stuff will have 2 happen. like liz will b married, not just ngaged like a normal person who duzn't even have a bf in the spring. an' mike will b living in ur big house soon, an' u will b in a teeny-tiny choo choo house. b prepared 4 lots of cricks in ur neck. but u will prob get those neway frum all the studying u will b doing 4 b-ing a vet.
sorry, i think ur just covering up. u had a patterson-tard moment an' r playing it off like u were trying 2 mess w/ ur dad. i don't buy it. just admit it apes. every1 knows u can't help it. we don't hold it against u.
becks
At 8:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, u can believe what u want abt me having a "patterson-tard" moment. i know what i know.
but abt the other thing, yeah, i h8 2 say u r prolly rite. i 4got abt this fall b-ing sum bizarre deadline 4 everything 2 line up how mom an' mayB the johnston institute want(s) things.
apes
At 1:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Life is full of choices and those choices tell you what kind of person you are. For example, when my lovely wife Deanna picked up a new shampoo called Orange Sections, I told her it would probably make her hair from the back look like it was a peeled orange waiting to be split into sections. But Deanna chose not to believe me, and sure enough every time I look at the back of her head, I get a sudden craving for citrus.
Or another example, when I was washing clothes and I decided to squirt a little shot of bleach at the Lizardbreath’s cat and the bleach went right into where I was washing my green turtle-neck, I realized I had made a choice for feline aggression which might make me pay with my fashion sense. When my green shirt developed a mysterious white line around the sleeves and the waist, I said to myself, “If anyone asks, I will just say, ‘colourist error’.” In reality I know it was because of a choice I made.
Years ago when my mother-in-law offered to buy a house for me and Deanna in Burlington, near where they live, I made the choice to turn her down, because I knew I wanted Deanna and me to earn our first house ourselves. I was so confident I had made the right decision. I knew how mom and dad felt about giving monetary gifts, when it was not a business investment. I thought to myself, “My father and mother would never, ever offer to buy me a house or even to help me buy a house. They would sooner have me getting my food from a soup kitchen.”
Then when I had to lay someone off at Portrait Magazine, I made the choice to lay myself off. I thought it was better to sacrifice myself, even though without a salary it would nearly impossible for Deanna and me to qualify for a home loan. It was worth it to know that the jobs of my fellow Portrait employees had been saved by me sticking to my moral center. It was a choice I was glad to make, and showed the world exactly how a Patterson deals with a moral crisis.
Then when dad said to me, “We could help you with the mortgage, son!---I’ll tell you what—Why don’t you two sleep on it.” I was filled with a sense of wonder, sense of shock, and a sense that my father had been taken over by aliens. What choice should I make? Should I stick by sense of Patterson right and wrong, which says I should do it myself? Or should I take advantage of an offer my father made when he was clearly affected mentally by the dog-walking?
But then I thought more carefully about it. That mortgage is going to have some stipulations. I suspect I will have to turn the yard over to my father’s trains. I suspect that dad wants me to buy the house, because he couldn’t convince mom to buy it and he wants to use me to get around her.
I suspect that you stood in the kitchen talking to me like I was some schoolgirl with your “What do you think? It’s the cutest little house an’ it’s just down the street! You could buy it an’ we could be neighbo(u)rs!” Now it’s painfully obvious, this is just a ploy by you to get us out of your room and get you of out of the storage closet where you sleep. Both you and dad are pushing an idea which is just like the one Mira Sobinski offered me. Having Deanna and me and the kids in the house since Christmas Eve has stretched the two of you so far, you are willing to sacrifice your Patterson money ethic to get us out of the house. Shame on you both.
Now the question stands before me: Do I make the choice to sacrifice my Patterson money ethic too, or do I stand up for my beliefs and turn down dad’s offer? Deanna and I lay in bed and I had planned to discuss it with her, but there was this thing on the ceiling which was too distracting. Maybe tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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