Thanx, Iris!

I'm back! God, was that weird. U mite remember I'd been sent off 2 that Johnston Institute For Better Living re-education camp, which was being held in Cozumel, Mexico, since the JIFBL peeps were on vacation there. The camp was supposed 2 last 4 a weekend, but since I didn't get "converted" @ the end of the weekend, they were gonna xxtend my time there 4 @ least a wk. I escaped and stowed away on a ship, the Windbreaker, that was transporting tortillas 2 Barbados. The ship cook, er "chef," found me and forced me 2 B his assistant. No, "sous-chef." That was insane.

So, U mite know from the comments Howard tried 2 save me. He did a heroic rescue attempt Saturday nite, but the JIFBL security detail intervened. But a simple request from Iris turned everything around, as Howard revealed in his most recent comment:

April,

It was so good to see you briefly yesterday when you came in from your ship board adventures. You didn’t look any worse for wear, except for the odour of meat about you. Personally, I am quite delighted when a plan so utterly simple works.

I was visiting your Grandpa Jim and your step-grandmother Iris and listening to Iris’ usual round of complaints about how she has to take care of Grandpa Jim all by herself. Then I related to Iris your difficulties in being sent off to a weekend camp, which lasted more than a weekend, and how you escaped onto a tortilla boat headed for Barbados, and how your rescue attempt failed. I don’t think Iris really believed that story.

Well, then Iris launched into a discussion about how the scuttlebutt was that according to officially witnessed occurrence, you had not visited with your Grandpa Jim even one time since you turned 16. I was, to be frank, surprised that the officially witnessed occurrence would try to paint you, previously the award-winner in grandfather visiting, in such a negative light. Iris said, “Well, Coward (her name for me), if you really want April back, I will call up Elly and tell her I desperately need someone to serve Jim tea and not coffee and to help him learn to count to two, and to bring Dixie over for a visit. That should have April back in no time.”

I said, “I don’t get it.” Iris said, “Coward, dear, if you notice I said tea and not coffee. Elly will have nothing to do with an occasion if coffee is not involved. Plus she hates those education exercises with Jim almost as much as I do. I hate them more because I have actually done them. And then there is Dixie, who is, shall we say to be polite, not Elly’s favourite dog, especially with her lack of bowel control after a visit with us. I think it’s fairly safe to say April will be home pretty quickly.”

A quick phone call from Iris to your mom and the next thing I know, you’re back. Sometimes it’s not who you know, but how much who you know hates to do something.

Love,
Howard Bunt

So, just when I thot all was lost, since that security deet was abt 2 take me back 2 that awful camp, one of the security peeps got a call on his radio, and was like, "Roger that!" Then he helicoptered me 2 an airport, where there was a private jet waiting 4 me, w/a drawing of Edgar, Dixie, Butterscotch, and Shiimsa, and the JIFBL logo on the side.

Guess who was on the jet? The Witch of Corbeil! She was sipping coffee from a handleless mug, and she gestured to a seat and said, strap in, April. Back to Milborough for you."

I said, "No more camp?"

She shook her hed. "Nope. We can't have Iris Richards saying U're not an ideal granddaughter NEmore. B-sides, U R probably incorrigible. Our scientists suspect that when U ingested that antidote 2 the Corbeil Kool Aid last April...."

"U know abt that?"

"I know all!" She shouted that in a kind of Wizard of Oz voice. "NEway, the scientists think the antidote gave you a boosted immunity 2 our re-education tactics. Plus, I have decided to retire 4 real this time. More or less. I mite tinker with the past a bit. Wd U like sum granola with soy milk?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks."

"C, I'm a very nice person!"

"Yeah," I sed, thinking how good granola wd B rite around then.

NEway, the plane took us rite in2 the Milborough airport that Gordo had built last month, and I got sent home by a car service. The driver w8ed as I went in 2 shower, change,and make a batch of cookies, and then took me 2 Gramps and Iris's place.

So here's what happed @ Gramps and Iris's place. Iris was all, "Hmph! So U do remember we xxist!"

I was like, "Thanx 4 getting me rescued, Iris!"

"Of course, dear! Let's make sum tea."

After we'd had tea, I asked Gramps if he wanted another, and he sed, "Yes." When I brot the tea over, I also brot a plate w/2 cookies, and sed, "I also brot U a couple of cookies." Gramps looked @ the plate and thot-bubbled, "Two. " I think he was disappointed that I hadn't put more on his plate, but Iris wdn't let me.

He thot bubbled "two" again, while holding up two fingers.

I was all, "Iris!!! Grandpa put up two fingers!! I gave him two cookies and he put up two fingers!!" Iris came over just as Gramps thot bubbled, "I can also sit up, beg, and roll over." He looked kinda fish-eyed when he was thinking this, and I felt bad, like I'd blundered almost as bad as when Mike asked Iris if Gramps was crazy just cuz Gramps had used a swear word in Mike's delicate presence.

Oh, BTW. While I was in the shower, Mom called Liz 2 tell her I was back. Liz let out a "NOOOOOOOOO!" so loud, I cd hear it thru the phone and over the shower sound. When I was baking the cookies, Liz came over and sed, "I'm taking the Aprilbot with me!" And she totally did.

Apes