April's Real Blog

Monday, January 21, 2008

Thanx, Iris!

I'm back! God, was that weird. U mite remember I'd been sent off 2 that Johnston Institute For Better Living re-education camp, which was being held in Cozumel, Mexico, since the JIFBL peeps were on vacation there. The camp was supposed 2 last 4 a weekend, but since I didn't get "converted" @ the end of the weekend, they were gonna xxtend my time there 4 @ least a wk. I escaped and stowed away on a ship, the Windbreaker, that was transporting tortillas 2 Barbados. The ship cook, er "chef," found me and forced me 2 B his assistant. No, "sous-chef." That was insane.

So, U mite know from the comments Howard tried 2 save me. He did a heroic rescue attempt Saturday nite, but the JIFBL security detail intervened. But a simple request from Iris turned everything around, as Howard revealed in his most recent comment:

It was so good to see you briefly yesterday when you came in from your ship board adventures. You didn’t look any worse for wear, except for the odour of meat about you. Personally, I am quite delighted when a plan so utterly simple works.

I was visiting your Grandpa Jim and your step-grandmother Iris and listening to Iris’ usual round of complaints about how she has to take care of Grandpa Jim all by herself. Then I related to Iris your difficulties in being sent off to a weekend camp, which lasted more than a weekend, and how you escaped onto a tortilla boat headed for Barbados, and how your rescue attempt failed. I don’t think Iris really believed that story.

Well, then Iris launched into a discussion about how the scuttlebutt was that according to officially witnessed occurrence, you had not visited with your Grandpa Jim even one time since you turned 16. I was, to be frank, surprised that the officially witnessed occurrence would try to paint you, previously the award-winner in grandfather visiting, in such a negative light. Iris said, “Well, Coward (her name for me), if you really want April back, I will call up Elly and tell her I desperately need someone to serve Jim tea and not coffee and to help him learn to count to two, and to bring Dixie over for a visit. That should have April back in no time.”

I said, “I don’t get it.” Iris said, “Coward, dear, if you notice I said tea and not coffee. Elly will have nothing to do with an occasion if coffee is not involved. Plus she hates those education exercises with Jim almost as much as I do. I hate them more because I have actually done them. And then there is Dixie, who is, shall we say to be polite, not Elly’s favourite dog, especially with her lack of bowel control after a visit with us. I think it’s fairly safe to say April will be home pretty quickly.”

A quick phone call from Iris to your mom and the next thing I know, you’re back. Sometimes it’s not who you know, but how much who you know hates to do something.

Howard Bunt
So, just when I thot all was lost, since that security deet was abt 2 take me back 2 that awful camp, one of the security peeps got a call on his radio, and was like, "Roger that!" Then he helicoptered me 2 an airport, where there was a private jet waiting 4 me, w/a drawing of Edgar, Dixie, Butterscotch, and Shiimsa, and the JIFBL logo on the side.

Guess who was on the jet? The Witch of Corbeil! She was sipping coffee from a handleless mug, and she gestured to a seat and said, strap in, April. Back to Milborough for you."

I said, "No more camp?"

She shook her hed. "Nope. We can't have Iris Richards saying U're not an ideal granddaughter NEmore. B-sides, U R probably incorrigible. Our scientists suspect that when U ingested that antidote 2 the Corbeil Kool Aid last April...."

"U know abt that?"

"I know all!" She shouted that in a kind of Wizard of Oz voice. "NEway, the scientists think the antidote gave you a boosted immunity 2 our re-education tactics. Plus, I have decided to retire 4 real this time. More or less. I mite tinker with the past a bit. Wd U like sum granola with soy milk?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks."

"C, I'm a very nice person!"

"Yeah," I sed, thinking how good granola wd B rite around then.

NEway, the plane took us rite in2 the Milborough airport that Gordo had built last month, and I got sent home by a car service. The driver w8ed as I went in 2 shower, change,and make a batch of cookies, and then took me 2 Gramps and Iris's place.

So here's what happed @ Gramps and Iris's place. Iris was all, "Hmph! So U do remember we xxist!"

I was like, "Thanx 4 getting me rescued, Iris!"

"Of course, dear! Let's make sum tea."

After we'd had tea, I asked Gramps if he wanted another, and he sed, "Yes." When I brot the tea over, I also brot a plate w/2 cookies, and sed, "I also brot U a couple of cookies." Gramps looked @ the plate and thot-bubbled, "Two. " I think he was disappointed that I hadn't put more on his plate, but Iris wdn't let me.

He thot bubbled "two" again, while holding up two fingers.

I was all, "Iris!!! Grandpa put up two fingers!! I gave him two cookies and he put up two fingers!!" Iris came over just as Gramps thot bubbled, "I can also sit up, beg, and roll over." He looked kinda fish-eyed when he was thinking this, and I felt bad, like I'd blundered almost as bad as when Mike asked Iris if Gramps was crazy just cuz Gramps had used a swear word in Mike's delicate presence.

Oh, BTW. While I was in the shower, Mom called Liz 2 tell her I was back. Liz let out a "NOOOOOOOOO!" so loud, I cd hear it thru the phone and over the shower sound. When I was baking the cookies, Liz came over and sed, "I'm taking the Aprilbot with me!" And she totally did.


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  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, it's nice to see that someone's immune to the Kool-Aid. As for Robo-you (I apologise for sucking up to the 'bot, BTW), I doubt that Liz will keep her/it around all THAT long. After all, given how Anphoney's eyes wander, it ain't gonna be much longer before he starts thinking about an upgrade in Patterson love interests. As for Jim, keep a good thought and hope that everything works out for the best.

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am sinking into a super deep depression ever since April told us how the Good Witch is gonna stop interfering in the present an' only interfere in the past from now on, @#$%@#$^@#%@#$!, I need her to interfere!, I need to get #$%#%#$%n' married already, she swore she would make that happen, but no, here I am, LIVING IN SIN, which is something I swore I would never do again, all because that stupid witch is too busy worrying about Mom's looks to make Anthony marry me!!!, you should see the calluses on my hands and Anthony is even talking about how he doesn't want to marry me because he has the best of both worlds, me making him a hooooooooome and Therese paying him alimony which he will lose if we get married, Jesus Christ on a cracker!, I need some divine intervention and now all the Witch can think about is the past, back when every day, day after day, was about Mike doing something bad an' Mom trying not to go nuts an' kill him an' Dad saying piggish stuff, well I'm sick of it, me an' Aprilbot are gonna figure out a way to get me married come hell or high water, I am not gonna be like Connie Poirier, all dog-faced an' old by the time I catch my unattractive financial services guy with an unwanted child, oh no.


  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, omg. i am so glad ur back. also, i'm sorry 4 breakin' down wen i saw u again. i know it's kinda embarrassin' seein' a guy cry like that. it's just cuz i thot i mite not evah get 2cu again or if i did u wudn't b the same &....sorry. cryin' again.

  • At 10:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the gd thoughts, dc2!

    liz, the witch told me that she plans 2 "wrap up loose ends" b4 she does this "retire 4 real" thing. i asked her if that means u r gonna get married 2 anthony, and she got kind of a shifty look in her eyes and sed, "oh, i don't know what is going 2 happen w/elizabeth and anthony. i have 2 c what they want. they r the ones who r going 2 d-cide." i sed, "i don't think liz is gonna like that answer. she keeps w8ing 4 anthony 2 propose and he hasn't yet." and the witch was all, "w8 and c, w8 and c!"

    jeremy, no prob, i was really happy 2 c u, 2. thanx 4 offering 2 help me get caught up w/the school stuff after school this afternoon. aprilbot did create a file on my computer and dump all the info that was covered in my wk away. but it's so much!


  • At 10:42 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    AUGH!!, you are right, I hate that answer, this morning at breakfast, Anthony had out his adding machine, he was figuring up whether it was financially better to get married or to stay living in sin, well, guess what?, he says living in sin is way better because 1) no wedding, 2) Therese keeps paying alimony, and 3) we don't need to because we already have a kid (Frenchy), well I told him he better add in the cost of all the dental work and new pairs of glasses he will need and he asked, "What do you mean?" and I said, "Because if you don't marry me, I am going to break your face!" and I chased him all over the house with my fists raised and when I caught him I pounded him hard, but not on the face, just on the body parts that don't show and can absorb impact good with a lot of pain but not much injury, April, you know what I mean, where I used to hit you, well Anthony said he would rethink his calculations, I told him to ask me if he needs to get his memory refreshed about the medical costs part of that, when all of a sudden the Aprilbot came over and said, "Caine, Anthony delays marrying Patterson, Elizabeth Deborah. Does not compute. Value of marrying a Patterson: priceless. Malfunction. Malfunction.", and smoke started pouring out the top of her head, the smoke alarm went off and we had to shove her out into a snowbank to stop the fire in her circuits, and then after that she didn't work too good, Anthony took her with him to the dealership today to see if the mechanics could fix her, my poor little Aprilbot, it's all his fault.


  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Mayes, Gordon reports that his mechanics are the best in Milborough. However, I am sorry to say they are not equal to the robotics engineers retained by the JIFBL. I am quite certain that the engineers' repairs for me would not involve duct tape.

    I seem to be more or less functional, though.


  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, weird thing gerald sed 2 me just now. "all the cubest girlz r wearin' duct tape these days".

  • At 1:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, how perfect, jeremy. ger can d8 aprilbot while i d8 u!


  • At 1:34 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    My poor little Aprilbot, I would send her back to the Johnston Institute for proper repairs, but I'm afraid they wouldn't send her back, and now she is not right, and she is probably going to go roadside with Gerald, oh god!, what can I do to save her, she's the only baby sister I have!!!


  • At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    What a caring older sister you are, Elizabeth! April, why don't you appreciate her?


  • At 2:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    soundz like she's a gr8 sis 2 u, apesbot, but didn't u notice she just, like, 4got i xxist?


  • At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    This upsets you, Patterson, April Marian? Curious.


  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u r such a 'bot, aprilbot!


  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Yes, I am! So nice of you to notice!


  • At 2:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, sumthin’ i nevah really noticed b4, but the girls’ washroom @r.p. boire iz a lot nicer than than the boys’ washroom. that iz @least the part of it i got 2c b4 the aprilbot gave me a swirlie in there, while singin’ “germy wormy, jeremy jones”. it wuz kinda like when gerald duz it, xxcept aprilbot’s arms r a lot strongah & aprilbot sings on key. u know mebbe gerald izn’t xxactly a good influence 4 aprilbot. aftah she or it wuz done, the aprilbot held up 2 fingahz. i sed, “i think if ur gonna give sum1 the fingah, it’s just 1. or ru tellin’ ur 2 quarts short of a gallon?” az it turnz out, it wuz tyme 4 a 2nd swirlie.

    by the way, i heard ur old band 4evah & eva iz gonna play sum valentine’s day gigz. u hadn’t mentioned it, so i kinda wondered if there wuz nethin’ u wanted 2 tell me, eh?

  • At 3:48 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    If you see my little Aprilbot again, would you please tell her that her big sis, Patterson, Elizabeth Deborah would like for her to stay away from plumbing and other water sources, to prevent further damage to her circuits, thanks, I really appreciate it, also April, I didn't forget you exist, I just think the way you have been acting lately, with the vegetarianism and all that, you are kind of trying to quit the family, I don't approve and neither does Mom, she called to invite me over for dinner tonight and she said she made a big greasy pot roast to try to shock you back into normalness, I said no I couldn't go though, I have to check up on Aprilbot and maybe smack Anthony around some more if he still is talking crazy about not getting married.


  • At 4:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    luckily, jeremy is taking me 2 my fave veggie restaurant, garden of eden.


  • At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…



  • At 4:49 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Oh, no, the Aprilbot!, April, you have to find her and bring her over to Anthony's house so I can fix her!!!


  • At 4:49 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know you seem to be excited by the matching of Grandpa Jim’s two-fingered salute accompanying the thought balloon saying, “Two.” However, I should let you know that the question of importance is whether or not the gesture had the palm inwards or outwards. Palm inwards is often considered to be an offensive gesture, and palm outwards is not. Either way, there is a good possibility that Grandpa Jim was signing to you how he felt about getting two cookies, and not necessarily counting the cookies (although the count of the cookies is probably related to his satisfaction or dissatisfaction).

    For example, the last time I visited Grandpa Jim and read to him at length from my novel Stone Season, he kept making this gesture where he ran his index finger across his throat and thought-bubbled “Please end my torture!” If I just looked at the hand gesture, I might have thought Grandpa Jim was feeling a little peckish and needed some nourishment, like some strained peas, or whatever he eats these days. Or the other possibility is that his neck was a little itchy and needed some scratching (but I am not going to make that mistake again). Because I saw the hand gesture along with the thought bubble, I jumped to the end of the book and read the last few pages, so Grandpa Jim would know how it ended. And then I went back to where I left off. The tears that filled Grandpa Jim’s eyes at that point were I needed to know, I had done what he wanted.

    So, formerly little sis, was it palms inward or palms outward?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy and i found the aprilbot wandering down sharon park drive kinda whirring and buzzing. we loaded her in2 the backseat of my car and took her over 2 liz's place. liz ran 2 the car and pulled her out of the back, cradling her and b-ing all, "sh-sh-sh, it's ok, little aprilbot, lizzie will fix u up again, pls don't die."

    mike. let's c. i was kinda off 2 one side when gramps did his gesture, so even tho he did have his palm facing him, he wasn't pting the gesture @ ne1, so if he was flipping ne1 off, i don't know who that wd b.


  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well I took my little Aprilbot back to Mayes Midtown Motors, of course Gordon had the mechanics stay late just to help me, since I am a Patterson I am practically part owner of the place, anyway, this time since a Patterson was overlooking their work they tried a lot harder to fix her, they said that her circuitry must of gotten all wet when she gave those swirlies to Jeremy Jones, they say he was probably very inconsiderate and thrashed and splashed a lot, well they said the only thing to do for her was to put her in a big oven at 250 degrees and bake the water out of her circuits, fortunately they have a big walk-in oven at the dealership that the cinnamon roll place and the restaurant use, but when she came out, the soft plastic they used to make her "skin" was kind of melted, now her face is distorted, so she can't be my maid of honor or even a lesser bridesmaid, she is too ugly, I cried and cried, and besides her circuits still were acting all weird, all she could say was, "Dinner time? Dinner time? Am I getting old? Dinner time? Boxcar? Trains? Dinner time?", Gordon and Anthony say this is a sign that only her most basic Patterson programming is left and that it's time to pull the plug on my sweet little robosister, well we said our goodbyes and then Gordon's boys took her out back and ripped her apart to use for scrap, and I went over to Mom's for pot roast, you really missed out.


  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, liz, jeremy and i had the most delish dinner @ garden of eden. so awesum!



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