April's Real Blog

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Patterson, John did not want offspring

My programming tells me I am meant to share another story from the Pattersons' past. It will take me a moment to access it. Okay, here it is.

As Mr. Patterson sat in a recliner, with his feet up, reading a newspaper, Mrs. Patterson was stooped over, holding an armload of toys on her right side while holding a poorly rendered drawing and a dusting cloth in her left hand. A moment later, she had divested herself of these things she carried. She formed her hands into fists, beat her chest as lower primates do, threw back her head, opened her mouth wider than most humans can, and screamed, "I'M TIRED OF HOUSEWORK AND DIRTY NOSES AND COOKING AND THE NEVER ENDING MESS" This sentence was not punctuated. Mr. Patterson's mouth was downturned and his facial expression could be described as "worried" as Mrs. Patterson did this. A moment later, Mr. Patterson got up, embraced Mrs. Patterson, and said, "Take it easy. Kids are a lot of work. They're part of life--you have to accept these things." Mrs. Pattersons eyes became two wide circles when Mr. Patterson delivered his next line, which was "After all ... you're the one who wanted kids in the first place..."

My interpretation subprogram is telling me that the point of this story is "Young Patterson, John was an asshat." I wonder who put that into my programming? Curious.


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  • At 12:06 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Yes it's true, Dad never really cared much about me or Mike, he paid attention sometimes but mostly it was just like, "I'm going to work," or "I'm buying a new car," or "I'm buying a new stereo," or whatever, he really wasn't into kids until April showed up, he has some kind of weird bond with her, actually I am surprised he is controlling himself over her being gone, I would expect him to whine and sob over how she is his best buddy, one time I said, "Dad, I can be your best buddy," and he was like, "Huh? You?" and then started laughing, really, Mom and Dad are not too sensitive to us kids, your programming probably told you that.


  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. I afraid that our little sis, April, fell out of approval in dad’s eyes when she turned 16. She started dressing sluttier, and started playing that Gems game instead of playing trains with dad. She even stopped hanging around Grandpa Jim as much, which just shows she has gotten smarter. In fact, now that she is a robot, April is perfect in every way.

    I have discovered if I rake leaves for dad, or hire someone to fix his roof; he is more attentive, maybe even almost friendly. For your purposes, you probably want to be on speaking terms with him, when he walks you down the aisle. I’ve heard you do laundry. Maybe you can wash that train outfit he wears. From the smell of it, he doesn’t wash it very often.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i miss u. i hope ur ok. i tried 2 ask the aprilbot if it knew where u were, but it sed, “accessing files on jeremy jones.” & then it sang the “germy, wormy, jeremy jones” song 2 me.

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    j, i m ok. ship life suxx. ppl on ship eat like crazy. we hafta keep them fed so they don't break in2 tortilla shipments. i m losing my sssssssssssssigggg

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Elizabeth and Michael, thank you for your attempts to help me understand Patterson, Elly Richards and Patterson, John. All of this is most unusual.


  • At 3:52 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    I don't know, if you remember it was not too long ago (New Year's Eve) that April was all dressed like a pole dancer, but Dad was still all upset that she was talking about moving away, and he wanted lots of hugs, I'm not really sure, because the only time he ever acted like he cared about me was the time he wanted to call the cops on Stalker Howard, but I think that might mean he still thinks of April as his "Special Buddy."



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