Dad's an oldster
Well, U know how Mom an' Dad have been acting like they're 80 yrs old, w/1 ft in the grave an' the other on a banana peel? I mean, really, there R times when Gramps just seems way younger than them. NEway, I was thinking abt all that this morning when I was looking out the windows an' C-ing Dad playing catch w/the dogs. Mom came along, and I was all, "Yeah, what they say is totally true! Pets R a gr8 thing 4 the elderly!" I sed that last bit while walking away, but I totally sensed that Mom had a gobsmacked look on her face @ that mo. MayB she'll talk 2 Dad an' they'll re-think their big hurry 2 B old, old, old empty-nest types, eh?
Jeremy, U did a gr8 job DJ-ing @ Luis's Cinqo de Mayo party last nite! BTW, I didn't want U 2 get stiffed so I took up a collection fr. all the guests last nite while U were loading up yr equipment. I'll B dropping off the envelope l8r this AM. Honoria, don't worry abt the dirty dancing. It threw off our sets cuz Ger wd stop drumming and start flailing and yelling. But it was kinda amusing 2 C the vein throbbing in his neck!
Apes
Jeremy, U did a gr8 job DJ-ing @ Luis's Cinqo de Mayo party last nite! BTW, I didn't want U 2 get stiffed so I took up a collection fr. all the guests last nite while U were loading up yr equipment. I'll B dropping off the envelope l8r this AM. Honoria, don't worry abt the dirty dancing. It threw off our sets cuz Ger wd stop drumming and start flailing and yelling. But it was kinda amusing 2 C the vein throbbing in his neck!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:53 AM
8 Comments:
At 4:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wen i wuz on my way 2 ur house 2 help u w/the baby-sittin’ ur dad wuz still outside playin’ ball w/the dogs.
i sed, “dr. p. how do u get the ball 2 spiral like that so it looks like an easter egg instead of a round ball?”
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. u hafta spiral the ball just perfectly so it never rotates 4ward, only side-to-side.” & he showed me this unusual throwin’ motion that started frum his hip & went in an arc almost completely over his head 2 the othah side of his body.
i sed, “dr. p. i don’t think i have evah seen ne1 throw a ball like that b4.”
he sed, “thanx, jeremy. i rarely evah get compliments on my throwin’ style.”
i thot ‘bout correctin’ him & tellin’ him it looked it wuz possibly the stupidest way 2 throw a ball, evah. but the nice things about always tellin’ the truth, iz u don’t hafta always say it out loud.
then edgar got the ball & dr. p wuz tryin’ 2 get it outa his mouth & edgar wuz growlin’.
i sed, “b careful, dr. p. u don’t wanna get bit.’
he sed, “ur rite, jeremy.” then he got his knees ‘round edgar’s neck so it looked like edgar was ‘bout 2b strangled 2death.
i sed, “dr. p. i think ur killin’ ur dog. yru doin’ that?”
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. i have noticed that sum dogs prefer breathin’ 2 holdin’ on2 balls.” & sure he wuz rite. edgar dropped the ball & ur dad picked it up & threw it so dixie cud get it. dixie brought the ball back, but he still had edgar between his knees.
i sed, “dr. p. seriously now. ur ‘bout 2 kill that dog. yru still holdin’ him between ur knees?”
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. i have noticed if i restrain edgar frum getting the ball, then dixie has a chance 2 get the ball.”
i sed, “u cud just throw the ball closer 2 dixie.”
he sed, “that only increases the possibility dixie will get the ball. if i hold edgar, i am guaranteed, dixie will get the ball.” & he let go of edgar & started tickling his throat.
i sed, “dr. p. yru tickling edgar’s throat?
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. i have noticed that wen dogs r gigglin’ they breath bettah aftah they have been nearly asphyxi8ed.” i noticed that in addition to the usual barking & yappin’, edgar wuz also bowfing & yarfing. i’ll help u clean that up l8er.
then ur dad sed, “bad dog, dixie, u got the ball all wet.”
i sed, “yru pickin’ up dixie & throwin’ the ball up & down in fronta her?”
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. i’m punishing her 4 gettin’ the ball wet.”
then he sed, “yru here, jeremy? is it 2 criticize my dog-handlin’ skillz?”
i sed, “no. i’m here 2 help april baby-sit her niece & nephew, cuz mike & deanna r goin’ out sumplace.”
he sed, “ur not here so u can get my daughter drunk & then seduce her, eh?”
i sed, “no, dr. p. just baby-sittin’.”
then i sed, “dr. p. y don’t u have ur grandkids out here?”
he sed, “jeremy. i’m glad u asked that question. i have noticed if i restrain merrie frum gettin’ the ball, so dixie can get it, she starts cryin’ uncontrollably. yeah, wut they say is totally true!”
i sed, “wut’s that, dr. p?”
he sed, “pets r a gr8 thing 4 the elderly. not 4 kids.”
neway, april, thass the reasn y i wuz rilly anxious 2 take robin & merrie out 2 play ball w/the dogz, just so i cud show ur dad wut they say is not totally true.
At 4:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, jeremy and i r out in the yard playing w/the dogs, merrie, and robin. we r having a v. good time and dad is inside pouting and pting @ us as he watches out the window.
apes
At 4:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael,
Formerly little sis. Mom seemed a little concerned you referred to dad as elderly when he was playing with the dogs today; however, I must admit your logic was impeccable.
1. They are moving to their retirement home.
2. They have their grave site already picked out.
3. Dad is only a few months away from officially retiring after having sold his business to his partner, and mom has already retired.
Elderly is a state of mind. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t 60 years old yet, if you are already acting like you’re much older. However, when you suggested that I go outside and play with the dogs, I began to regret having applied to adopt you. After all, I just turned 31. I’m not elderly.
The majour hurdle in adopting your is to get mom and dad to sign the consent papers, and after your comment to mom today, she seemed to be anxious to do just that. When
Deanna and I become your parents, we can straighten out this "who is elderly" age problem.
The best part is that since I am a Patterson and you are a Patterson, you would not be changing your name or your residence, just your parents. The second best part is that I will get to spend plenty of time with Deanna, like I am doing right now. Thanks again for baby-sitting, formerly little sister and future daughter.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
The story of your dad throwing the balls for Edgar and Dixie brought back fond memories for me from back when I was a dog and Becky would throw the ball for me and scratch me behind my ears. Sometimes I miss those days and the carefree life of being a dog, particularly when Becky and I get into an argument over a wedding ceremony detail for our wedding in September.
Becky and I are still considering buying a house in your neighbourhood, wherever that may be, so if you ever figure out where it is you plan to live, please let us know. In the meantime, your story of your father inspired us to take Becky’s dogs Zeus, Apollo, and Freyfaxi (the giant Icelandic dog) out with their appropriate balls (tennis balls for Zeus and Apollo), and 7-kgm medicine ball for Freyfaxi. It’s fun to throw the balls for Zeus and Apollo, because in and around trees is like an obstacle course for them to retrieve the balls. With Freyfaxi, we have avoided the trees, because he has a tendency to knock them over when he goes after the medicine ball. We also have to avoid soft dirt, since Freyfaxi sometimes sinks into it and it is devilishly hard getting him out. What they say is totally true. Large pets are a great thing for someone who has a car winch.
Speaking of the dogs, I must apologize for what happened the other day when you came to visit Becky. The dogs are not used to your new look and smell. I am sure the next time you visit they won’t growl at you like you’re a stranger and will recognize the parts of you that still are like you used to be before you turned 16.
Howard Bunt
At 5:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, that wuz quick thinkin’. wen merrie & robin caught u accidentally rubbin’ my ears cuz of a corbeil koolaid flashback (i guess), sayin’ 2 merrie & robin u were rubbin’ my ears cuz i wuz gonna b a dog who liked havin’ his ears rubbed in xxchange 4 doggy rides wuz rilly smart. merrie & robin luv gettin’ rides.
1 of these dayz that koolaid’s gonna b completely outa ur system. it’s been a long tyme since the last tyme u did that, but it always seems 2 happ wenevah i come ovah 2 help u babysit & u say sumthin’ ‘bout how u wish gerald wud come ovah & help u babysit 2. weird, eh?
At 6:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I just had another double-date with my brother Gerald at the Milborough Country Club with another brother and sister pair there. Gerald was quite determined this time to find me someone to take the place of my Jeremy flower, after all the dirty dancing I did with Jeremy last night at the Cinco de Mayo party. I hate to waste my time with these double-dates but Mater and Pater demand it, and I know my Jeremy flower is baby-sitting with you, so he is perfectly safe from any women who might have designs on him and his trust fund.
This evening’s date was with Terry R. and R. Dale don Perro. Terry R. is the sister and R. Dale is the brother and in case you were wondering, they preferred to be called with their R. initial pronounced. After Mater dropped us off at the Milborough Country Club, I could tell immediately things were not going to go well. I said to brother, “Gerald. Are those two our dates?” Gerald confirmed they both were. I said, “It looks like they have fleas. There are little dots floating around their heads.” Gerald told me such things were common around Milborough and that you often had little dots around your head. I think he must have been joking.
Terry R. and R. Dale both ordered steaks very rare and they ate them ravenously, so I could hardly tell if they were using a knife or a fork or just gobbling them into their mouths. Then Terry R. started talking about the last time he and R. Dale had gone hunting. I was a little concerned and I said, “You actually shoot the animals with guns?’ Terry R. said, “No. Pater shoots the animals. R. Dale and I just flush out the prey for him to shoot and then we bring it back to Pater. It’s ever so much fun. You and Gerald must try it sometime with your Pater.” R. Dale said, “There’s nothing like the smell of freshly-killed game.” Then he and Terry R. slapped their hands together and howled. Gerald leaned over to me and said, “R. Dale seems like the perfect man for you, Honoria.” I was not convinced, but I began to suspect something about these two.
I excused myself to go to the washroom and invited Terry R. to come with me. When she said she didn’t feel the need, it confirmed my suspicion. So, I doubled around and went to the Country Club merchandise area and bought a can of tennis balls. When I came back, Gerald was suspicious of me, but as I suspected Terry R. and R. Dale were quite excited to see them. Gerald said, “Are we playing tennis later, sister?” And I said, “Gerald. I have a little wager for you. You plan to recommend R. Dale don Perro as a suitable boyfriend for me to Mater and Pater. If I take these tennis balls out, and throw them, and Terry R. and R. Dale bring them back to me in their mouths, I want you to agree not to make that recommendation. If they don’t do that, then I will not only agree to stop seeing Jeremy in favour of R. Dale, but I will clean your room for a month.”
Needless to say, brother eagerly accepted what he thought was a sure thing. He was quite surprised when Terry R. and R. Dale brought the balls back in their mouths. R. Dale actually growled a bit when I tried to take the ball away from him. Terry R. laughed nervously and said, “I guess R. Dale and I have been on a few too many hunting trips and have gotten into bad habits, eh?” I think R. Dale would have answered, except he was still growling at me with the tennis ball between his teeth.
What they say is totally true, dearest future sister. Tennis balls are a great thing for flushing out poor matrimonial choices.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 6:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
yup, it's v. weird. sorry abt that, jeremy. the flashbacks r happening less frequently but when they do happ, they really hit me by surprise.
mike, mom an' dad say the whole "adoption" thing is just an idea, not a dun deal. tho they've also sed that kinda thing abt selling the house an' moving, and u know how that's going.
howard, don't worry abt the becky's dogs. @ least they didn't hurt me. tho having my leg humped was kinda mbarrassing.
apes
At 6:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, honoria! it sounds like having dog-sounding names made those 2 take on dog-like qualities. hm, i don't suppose they were temporarily turned in2 dogs, like what howard went thru that time!
apes
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