April's Real Blog

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Guest Blogger: Mike Patterson

Peeps, my big bro nagged me until I let him post his "advice", since he was a no-show for my big event. We'll get back to regular Apes programming as soon as poss, I promise. . . .
Advice From Your Big Brother
Michael Patterson
Editor of Portait Magazine
Freelance writer
Editor at Large
Allaround bigshot

Dear April,

Thank you for letting me post my world-weary, winsome (lose-some) wisdom to your wonderful, witty weblog. As I write this, in the backyard, a gentle breeze hits my face, and I remember my own grade 8 grad fifteen years ago. What a youthful scamp I was, donning my suit, letting Dad help me with my tie, facing the new challenges that lay ahead. Hey, look, it's the Kelpfroths' laundry. I never imagined Winnie to be the thong type, that is way too much information, but it's okay because at least they're saving energy by hanging their laundry out to dry. But they're evil people who smoke cigars and hate children, so even when they do the right thing, I'm compelled to make nasty remarks about them.

"Nasty remarks" makes me think of peer pressure, and that's what I want to address next, and by that I don't mean my postal address, I mean that's what I'm about to talk about next. The teenage years are infested with peer pressure like the flat I shared with Weed in college was infested with cockroaches, but that's because we were slobs, though at least we had our Ned doll, and we knew how to let loose and have fun. But you should never let loose and have fun, because you're a girl, and girls have different rules, because girls can get pregnant. So no matter how much your friends pressure you, never let a boy touch you below the waist. Actually, you shouldn't let them touch you much above the waist, either, I figure there's maybe about three inches of space in the waist region where you might--might--let a boy touch you, but only very very briefly, and then that's it young lady! And don't even think about having S-E-X before you get married, and then only to have children, exactly two, a girl and a boy.

The breeze that gently caresses my face reminds me of other times breezes have gently touched my face, as I lay in our parents' backyard, listening to Elton John on my boombox, relaxing until I heard Mom yell, "TURN OFF THAT BLASTED JUNGLE MUSIC, MICHAEL PATTERSON, OR I SWEAR I WILL TAKE YOU TO ALASKA AND THROW YOU IN A SNOW DRIFT!" I still get choked up thinking about that now. Mom loves us so much! Remember always to listen to her sage advice, as she really does know best. Right, Mom? Please don't hurt me!

In conclusion, breezes are good, peer pressure, sex, and Kelpfroths are bad, and Mom knows everything. Wow, I can't believe my Little Sis is going to be in high school. High school. High. . . . . Oh, man, do I have the munchies!



Wow, peeps, can you believe that shizzit? Sorry about that, but you wouldn't believe the naggin'!



  • At 8:34 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    im glad my sis isnt a looser liek ur bro, apes. y duz he rite liek a stupid moron?

  • At 8:45 AM, Anonymous Duncan said…

    But you don't have a sister, Becky! You're a spoiled only child! Do these pants make my butt look big? Um...just wondering.

  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i dunno how to explain him--gordo an' trace's kidz write better'n that!

  • At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha (Becky's 1/2-sis) said…

    duncan, y r u pretendin' u don't no about me? becks told u the hole story about our dad knockin' up my mom back in hi school. i got adopted by a nice couple who didn't tell me about my birth 'rents until i was 18.

    but i no u no all that, since i'm the one who did ur hair an' makeup for ur grad. an' yes, those pants make ur ass look huge.

  • At 9:16 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    sum dork keeps logging in as me an' you all know there's only one Beckster. cut it out you fake becky!

    Marjee is an awesome older sis she bought me tequila and condoms at Wal-Mart last week. Rock on! Don't worry Ape, I will share them with you--we will each need som eof both for the after-party. Only don't waste them on gerald i saw some grade 10 boys who crashed the dance an' one of them was tryin' to look down your dress.

    see u round the dance floor

    the real Becks

  • At 10:12 PM, Anonymous jeffo said…

    i confess. i am the imposter becky. i was jus' messin' 'round.

  • At 10:36 PM, Anonymous wanda kragletooth said…

    You may not know me, but I have a "Elly Patterson Horror Story" I would like to share.

    I went to Lillypad's or whatever that place is called to find a book for my grandson and she kept following me the entire time and kept making snide comments about what I was wearing. I don't know what she was talking about because I dress 1000x better than that old hag.

    I don't know why I am posting this in her daughter's journal in the comments section, but I just thought I'd share. I hope you don't end up like her but if you do, I know a perfect plastic surgeon that you can go to.

    PS: Tell your brother that his writing sucks. I use his column as birdcage liner.

  • At 1:44 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    go away jeffo. u r not getting me 2 go roadside again. i m so much better than u. ape helped me find my self-esteem. now i m a singing sensation.

    wanda, that is how mrs. p treats everyone who goes in her store. don't feel bad. every time i m in there mrs. p tells ape to keep an extra-close eye on me 'cause i m an only child (even tho i'm not) an' i'm so spoiled i will probably shoplift. what. ever.



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