Gordo = Donald Trump of Milborough?
So, did ya hear Gordo's successful? Started small but kept building up his Gordo empire? Yeah, it's a biiiiiiiiiig topic in Milborough. Some ppl even say he should have the "Donald Trump" role in Apprentice Canada, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Besides, he's a pretty modest guy. Mike recently begged him to let Portrait do a big story on him, an' he said "no".
NEway, Gordo called from his car and said Liz had just delivered one of those groany not-quite-punny Patterson lines. She was even tryin' to be nice, he said, but that line just killed it for him. I heard Liz apologizing in the background: "I'm a Patterson! Elly and John have warped my brain!" I hope I'm not doomed, peeps! I tried asking why Gordo was driving Liz when she was supposed to be using the motorcycle, but he said, "Gotta go, I almost hit a deer!" and hung up.
So, yeah, Gordo. Y'know, the last time I saw him, when I went to their place to babysit, he was telling me that even though he was doing well and all, he was sad that he's got this double chin and looks like a middle-aged man steada bein' Mike's age. What is it with him and Anthony, anyway? Maybe some scientists oughta look into this.
Well, Mom's at the shop, so Dad and I are gonna eat ice cream with our feet up on the coffee table while we can. Plus bad TV!
Apes out
NEway, Gordo called from his car and said Liz had just delivered one of those groany not-quite-punny Patterson lines. She was even tryin' to be nice, he said, but that line just killed it for him. I heard Liz apologizing in the background: "I'm a Patterson! Elly and John have warped my brain!" I hope I'm not doomed, peeps! I tried asking why Gordo was driving Liz when she was supposed to be using the motorcycle, but he said, "Gotta go, I almost hit a deer!" and hung up.
So, yeah, Gordo. Y'know, the last time I saw him, when I went to their place to babysit, he was telling me that even though he was doing well and all, he was sad that he's got this double chin and looks like a middle-aged man steada bein' Mike's age. What is it with him and Anthony, anyway? Maybe some scientists oughta look into this.
Well, Mom's at the shop, so Dad and I are gonna eat ice cream with our feet up on the coffee table while we can. Plus bad TV!
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 8:01 AM
7 Comments:
At 9:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh man! All I can say is that the years of abuse taking their toll on me. I hope you escape Apeface, but don't hold your breath.
Gordo did accept my appology. He says he understand the pressure we Patterson kids are under, but the puns are just disgusting.
At 10:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Christ, you're not kidding, they're disgusting. I know it's hard to undo years of programming and all, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth just to get a straight answer out of you people. Just once, I'd like to ask one of you how you're doing and hear, "Fine, thanks, Gordon." But do I ever get that? No! It's always goddamned, "A little 'under the weather'!" or "Well, you know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away - if you throw it hard enough!"
The Pun Twins may have floated me my startup cash, but my years of polite chuckling are over with now. I could buy and sell all of you ten times over; I'm way too rich and important to put up with this crap.
At 3:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
gordo, imagine hearing their lameass lines all day long! i hope aunt bev doesn't have the punning disease.
At 3:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
hey gordo i been wondering--do you have progeria or is building up yer empire just soooo stressful? Cuz you look 60 'sted of 30.
pleeze let me know cuz i'm scared that if i work hard to be a big success too that I'll get old an' ugly real fast.
thanks, becks
At 4:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky, the answer to your question is that I've reached a level of personal success where I can totally let myself go. I no longer have to go to the effort of keeping myself physically attractive because I can just buy all the fly honeys presents and drive them around in my stretch Crevasse. They can't get enough of the Gordo.
In your case, though, I'd make sure you keep those pretty blonde curls and cute figure up to par. Cause, um, no offense, but - "work hard to be a big success"? Heh. Yeah. Good luck with that.
Hey, but if you'd ever like to cruise around town in the Crevasse, give me a call...
At 5:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
who are u to talk? u didn't work hard 2 B a big success--you just got money from the Pattersons. i wish i had someone to buy me a gas station an' a car dealership but i don't. so yea, i'm gonna have 2 work hard. just cuz your sugar mama mrs. p says i don't have any brains doesn't mean it's true. i am cute an' talented an' that's gonna take me far. just cuz you think all pretty girlz are whores is yur problem. prolly becuz none of them would talk 2 u be4 u had money. cuz i've seen mike's yearbooks an' you been ugly long b4 u got rich.
becks
At 6:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gordo. Do you ever want to laugh when people ask you if you want to take a ride in you're Crevasse? Cause, every time people say Crevasse, all I can think of is butt crack. Or, do all the "honeys" ask you to take rides in their "Crevasses"?
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