April's Real Blog

Saturday, July 23, 2005

"Imagining . . . a Different Life"

I looked around a bit at that message board where AnthDad2FranMilboro has been posting, and I found that he had an off-topic post called "Imagining . . . a Different Life" (his punctuation). It was this long, weird fantasy about being married to "the lovely NotLiz" after "mean wife" disappears. His NotLiz is like this perfect person who never gets mad about anything. He even uses the words "Ultra-loving giver-goddess super-nurturing but still sexy dynamo". I am very scared for Liz.

Becky and I were IM-ing back an' forth about how creepy it is that Duncan's so obsessed with other ppl's sex life. Then Becky sent me this image she made:

Wouldn't you rather have that than a creepy porcelain doll of me when I was little?

Oh, by the way, I just got off the phone with Mike. Would you believe he called to ask for Mom's recipe for boiled turnips? Apparently, Dee was crying about how she always has to do all the cooking, so Mike promised to make their next dinner. Boy sure can be clueless!

Oh, I see Becks is back on IM. I'm gonna see what she wants.

Apes out


  • At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think...that doll is...really...cute...April. I...like her...hair.

  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, anon, u write just like my pal shannon!

  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    I wish Anthony would quit coming on to me. It's creepy. Maybe I should start talking in a French accent, that might scare him off!

    The other night mom said the following. "Anthony's marriage isn't going to last. He'll find some "nice" girl to marry. What a lucky girl she'll be. Therese obviously doesn't want any part of her child, so Anthony's new wife will have a child to raise as her own. To top it off, she won't even have to ruin her figure." then she gave me a very pointed look. I said to her, "Maybe Anthony won't get married again." She looked at me like I was crazy and said something about a man needing a wife to be successful and feel complete.

  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, man, liz, u r in such a bad sitch right now! hey, when mom said "nice" did she do that annoying thing where she pauses right before, then does air quotes with the word "nice", and then pauses again b4 going on to the next word? i know i keep saying it, but mom is crayzeeeeee!

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Are you going fishing with your dad tomorrow? He's been out in the garage all afternoon going through the tackle boxes.

  • At 5:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunno, duncan. i think he & yr dad r planning another 1 of their choo-choo playdates.

  • At 5:27 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    glad u liked my t-shirt design, apes. i knew we wud be able 2 work thru the whole band break up an' still be BFF.

    BTW, Apes an' Liz, duzent ur mom kno that no woman on earth wants 2 raise another woman's child? that's what my mom sed when she found out my dad had a "bastard" out there. (sorry 2 my sis--i like u just fine! but that's what mom called u) That's how i kno that liz an' anthony will never get together as long as he's got that francoise brat 2 take care of.

    LYLAS, becks

  • At 5:28 PM, Anonymous anthony said…

    If loving my dear, sweet Elizabeth is wrong, I don't want to be right.


    Love Always, Anthony

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous tracey mayes said…

    I can't believe that Mike would consider lowering himself to a woman's level by actually cooking dinner. Doesn't he remember his mother's wise teachings? Cooking is woman's work. A man should never help his wife with woman's work because she will get used to the help and get lazy. Then her figure will go, and her husband will start looking at other women. Housework is a woman's (only) friend!

    Sincerely, Tracey Mayes
    Wife and Mother

  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    No offense taken, Becky. U still want me to give U hair extensions like Britney for ur new look?

  • At 5:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, u made me lol on im when u made up that joke about my mom leavin' post-it notes around the house as subliminal messages for my dad, liz, an' me. scary thing is that it's not too far from the truth!

    we cd totally sell t-shirts & buttons w/your design on them. ppl wd also appreciate the warning. sorry, dunc, but it's true!

    anthony, u've got yr own problems @ home 2 deal w/b4 u start bringin' liz all in2 that shit!

    tracy, r u by ne chance friends w/my mom?

  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Nah, Apes, my dad is taking me to Toronto tomorrow for some spewworthy jazz festival. Got to go and see Becks now.

  • At 10:30 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    eew! u stay away frum me u are a scuz dunc. i will have my mom help me get a restraining order. she knows how cuz we had 2 get one from my dad.

    marjee, i changed my mind about looking like britnee. now she is just a dumb ho who is having a baby an' mom sez that's the fastest way 2 wreck yer life is 2 have a kid. i want 2 focus on my fabyooluss career. but i do want you to give me a fab cut an' hi-lites, ok?


  • At 10:36 PM, Anonymous tracey mayes said…

    Yes, April, my wonderful, handsome husband and I are friends with your terrific and wise mother. Remember, if it wasn't for her and your kindly father, I would still be the wife of a gas station attendant. Now I am a stay-at-home mother and wife to a business tycoon.

    Of course, with this success comes drawbacks. Every time I gain a pound, Gordon tells me I'm turning into a porker and that if I don't "get my lazy ass on a treadmill," he will have to look elsewhere for sexual gratification. Although I think he already is, because I found a bunch of condoms in his suit pockets last time I took them to the cleaners.

    My sweet Gordon is always complaining about my housekeeping and my cooking. He says he doesn't think I'm a good enough wife for him anymore. Fortunately, he says it would be too expensive to get a divorce, at least before the kids are 18.

    I am such a lucky woman. And I owe it all to your mother. On my wedding day, she gave me some wise advice: "Remember, being a wife and a mother is the only thing that is important in life. There is no other road to happiness." I am sure I could not be any happier than I am with my darling husband.

    Sincerely yours, Tracey Mayes

  • At 10:38 PM, Anonymous anthony said…

    April, I think that my sweet Liz is the solution to all my problems! If only she would say that she loved me! Then we could run away together. I'm afraid to leave my wife if I don't know that I will have another woman to latch onto right away. I would prefer that it be the amazing Elizabeth, but I'm willing to settle for anyone who will have at least five or six babies.


  • At 8:00 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, tray, i had no idea gordo treated u that way. sorry i blanked out on u b4, it's just that u've been signing things "gordo's wife" 4 so long, i almost forgot u have a name. but what wd happen if u told gordo he had 2 go on a diet? he's not exactly buff himself, u know!

    anthony, i don't know what 2 say 2 u right now, but u're freaking out my sis.

  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    U R right, becks, U need ur own look anyhow. Come by when U can, and we'll go through my "Do's 4 Ho's" books. They R preview editions, so they have all the slutty looks no1 even knows about yet!

  • At 2:20 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    Dear April,

    Gordon says that a wife is not to criticize a husband. I think it's in the Bible.

    Sincerely yours, Tracey Mayes
    Gordon's wife

  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    tray, is it poss. that part of u wants 2 b young & free again, so that's why you logged in as becky? or is this becky pretendin' to be tracy?

  • At 5:54 PM, Anonymous tracey mayes said…

    Oh my, I don't know where my mind is today. Gordon says I'm just a stupid little nitwit, and of course he's right, as usual.

    So sorry about that, Becky!

    Sincerely yours, Tracey Mayes

  • At 7:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, tray, i heard gordo tellin' mike that he sez stuff like that 2 u cuz he's worried u'll leave him for a guy with just 1 chin who still looks his age!

  • At 5:04 AM, Anonymous tracey mayes said…

    Dear April,

    I would never leave my Gordon. I wonder why he is worried about his looks? He is the handsomest man I have ever seen.

    Sincerely Yours, Tracey Mayes

  • At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Gordo said…

    Tracey, darlin', I know I'm always threatening to send you "to the moon", but sometimes I've just gotta say, baby, you're the greatest!

    Now fix me some potroast, I've gotta work on breaking up Anthony and Therese's marriage and I wanna go bid on some Leafs' memorabilia on eBay!


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