April's Real Blog

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Warren won't B tied down

Liz is back w/more e-mail 2 me:

I like this story I'm about to tell you because I think it shows what a good, caring person I am. Did you know I'm not only good-looking, but cheerful, funny and bright? Well, it's true, and that's what drew Warren to me almost six yrs ago!

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, what happened next the last time Warren came by. So, we were having our coffee (it's barbaric to have a conversation without hot beverages!) and sitting across the coffee table from each other. I told Warren, "You're a really nice person. We had fun together--but it never really happened for us--did it." I made that a statement, to show how serious I was being. Warren answered anyway, saying "I guess not." Then I told him, "You could never stay in one place long enough to make a commitment. You were always on the move!" Warren said, "I know." He was sipping his coffee as he said that, but somehow didn't dribble all over himself. Next, I said, "Well, now that you've decided to stay here and get a regular job, --You'll meet someone, get married, buy a house, have a family...." He interrupted me by saying, "Sounds nice, Liz... But it would really tie me down."

I was so flabbergasted by that, I let go of my coffee mug, which I'd been holding with both hands. Lucky for me, the coffee had gotten kind of cold by then, but still I got it all over my cozy turtleneck sweater and jeans. Luckily, I had an identical outfit to change into so we could continue our conversation without any confusion about me having a different outfit.

Anyway, that's it for now. You'll have to wait for my next e-mail to find out what happened after that.

Poor Warren, this will seal the opinion of those who say he's too "flighty" (bad pun) to settle down with anyone.

Dunc, OMG, I'd 4gotten all abt Charles. Now that U mention him, I remember yr dad referring 2 him way back when we were 11 and yr dad still played choo-choos with my dad, but then he stopped and I 4got. Sorry he's such a jerk!


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  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Since your sister is still talking about Warren Blackwood, I should probably tell you about an encounter I had with him recently. My wife Beatrice and I were on a “date”, as you know since you provided the baby-sitting for our daughters.

    Who should we run across in the restaurant where we had dinner but Warren Blackwood, who was sitting at a table with his sometimes fiancée Marjee Mahaha and some other woman I did not know? This is the conversation as best I recollect it:

    Warren Blackwood: You see Marjee. That’s the real reason why I have been spending so much time pursuing Elizabeth Patterson.
    Marjee Mahaha: Well, at least that makes sense.
    Unknown Woman: Warren talked to Marjee in Milborough, and made the effort to really listen to her for the first time in his life. She was, he realized, an amazing woman. It was shameful that he had neglected her for so long.
    Marjee Mahaha: Hi, Howard. Beatrice.
    Beatrice: Marjee.
    Me: Who is this unknown woman?
    Warren Blackwood: I am not entirely sure. She just started following me around.
    Unknown Woman: Warren knew it must have been his mother's influence that won him the gift he had wanted – someone to write his biography from his point of view. His mother smiled with mingled pride and sorrow, "Well, Warren is just never going to be properly understood without a biographer."
    Beatrice: You’re Warren’s mother?
    Warren Blackwood: No. Not at all. Mom lives in Milborough and vacations in Arizona.
    Beatrice: Then who?
    Unknown Woman: The vagabond lifestyle didn't make it easy for Warren to get home to Milborough for family occasions, or to make friends, or to recognize and properly introduce biographers. It was hard for Warren to admit that he had lost touch with his family, so many of his friends, and his biographer.
    Marjee Mahaha: Just ignore her, Howard. That’s what I do.
    Beatrice: OK. So are you two back together again?
    Marjee Mahaha: I think we are. Warren and I have talked out some things.
    Unknown Woman: To his delight, his crush from the year before was back again too. Warren began to think they had the potential for a longer-term relationship. His crush, it turned out, thought differently. When May came, she was gone.
    Marjee Mahaha: Still here.
    Me: I heard you took a job as helicopter flight instructor in Milborough.
    Unknown Woman: Warren was still drifting, when the phone call came at the end of April. As far as wages went, the job offer he had just received was fantastic. But it involved flying for a big oil company overseas in one of the world's political hot spots, where life could be rough and thre risks astonomical.
    Me: I think you mean “the risks are astronomical”.
    Unknown Woman: The search parties went out at first light the next morning. It was no longer a rescue mission, because no one wanted to admit they did not want to rescue someone who corrected other people’s grammar. Retrieving the bodies, and perhaps some of the dictionaries, was the best anyone hoped for.
    Marjee Mahaha: Which was it, Warren? Flight instructor or oil company at the political hot spot?
    Warren Blackwood: Actually it was an even more dangerous job flying people into the Democratic National Convention in Denver in August.
    Unknown Man: Don’t be a wowser and tell a porky, mate. Be deadest. You’re going O.S. Back of Bourke, my cobber, for the servo people.
    Me: Jeez. Where did he come from?
    Beatrice: Who are you?
    Unknown Man: Dray Colley’s my name. Don’t think I’m a yobbo, but I would love to see the mappa tassie of a wog sheila like you. Maybe have a naughty.
    Beatrice: What?
    Me: Who is this guy?
    Warren Blackwood: He says he is Dray Colley and my best friend and a fellow helicopter pilot. Supposedly he was in an accident recently and this is why I quit my job and went to visit Elizabeth Patterson back in March.
    Unknown Woman: The last time he had spoken to Liz, late in the fall, she had been missing him badly. She would surely be delighted to see him and more than willing to take him in. He didn't take a chance on phoning, just grabbed a cab to her place. It would be easier to say all that he needed to say in person.
    Me: I don’t think I have ever heard you mention a Dray Colley before.
    Warren Blackwood: Exactly.
    Marjee Mahaha: So instead of throwing himself at Elizabeth because of her Patterson allure, this woman says it was because Warren was upset he thought Dray was dead.
    Warren Blackwood: A guy I have never spoken about before to anyone.
    Dray Colley: Don’t be a whacka, mate. I had a little bingle and I took a sickie. Let’s get some amber fluid and watch some aerial pingpong.
    Unknown Woman: Warren chuckled and thought to himself. "Dray Colley wouldn't be happy unless he was drinking beer, watching Australian rules football and in trouble with a woman he just met.”
    Beatrice: Is that what he said?
    Warren Blackwood: I have no idea. I think he’s just making up words. He talks like someone who is pulling words out of an Australian slang dictionary. It would be like someone writing dialogue for a Latino man and having him say, “Chica” all the time.
    Me: So, is the Patterson allure for Elizabeth finally over?
    Beatrice: We’ve been worried it would come back with all of Liz’s wedding stalling.
    Warren Blackwood: I talked to Elizabeth and she said, “You're a really nice person. We had fun together--but it never really happened for us--did it." I think it is done.
    Unknown Woman: Liz was stiff and cold, cynical about his assurances that he loved her, and not inclined to believe a word he said. Her engagement ring frightened him. There didn't seem to be anyone in the world who cared about him any more.
    He had never felt so alone in his life. His family had no room for him, his girlfriend had rejected him. And his best friend had disappeared off the face of the earth and was probably lying dead in some lonely place with the arctic wind hissing in icy indifference around him
    Dray Colley: You don’t know Christmas from Bourke Street, you bludger. You should have used the 'bush telegraph' to find me, mate. If you can keep up with everything going on beyond the black stump in Mtigwaki, finding a helicopter pilot in the arctic would be easy. You would say, “Ripper, you little!” and not running to Milborough.
    Beatrice: Let’s go Howard. If we stay much longer I am going to hit someone.

    So we went and had our dinner at a different restaurant. That is the story as best I remember it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, you can see from what Howard wrote what kind of an evening we had the other night. It was awful! That so-called biographer actually followed us back to my apartment and tried to push her way in! The only way to get rid of her was to assure her that we were going straight to sleep without doing anything "noteworthy."


  • At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Miigwech (thank you) for telling me of the writings on your ngashi’s (mother’s) website with the dibaajimowin (story) about Warren Blackwood, so I could “defend myself” as you said. I will inootaagehe (quote) the parts to defend.

    But when she met him at the airfield in White River, there was another man with her. She introduced him as Paul Wright, the policeman she had mentioned in her e-card. The way the other guy stared Warren down - and kissed Liz a long, hot goodbye - sent an unmistakable 'hands-off' message.

    I believe the only part of this that is debwehe (honest) is the first sentence. We were at the airfield in White River. Elizabeth and I hugged and did not kiss. Warren Blackwood and I shook hands. I do not remember any staring.

    This was a sad time for me. I told Elizabeth I was in love with her. I was in White River, where my ningitiziim (parents) lived. I told my ningitiziim (parents) they would get to meet my girlfriend. Then I had to tell them, my girlfriend flew off in the helicopter with her old boyfriend and she would not meet them, even though she was in White River where they lived. My nindinawemaagan (relatives) thought I was gagiibaadizihe (foolish) to stay with Elizabeth after that. I know now they were right. Then I was in love and I could not see.

    Warren had his own ear to the ground on one particular topic. The 'bush telegraph' told him within days of Liz' decision that she was leaving her teaching job in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to move back to southern Ontario. He also knew that her boyfriend Paul, the policeman, had asked for a transfer and was expected to follow her. But it was Dray who brought him the most startling piece of news, one day late in November.

    "Double-dipping, her copper is." Dray grinned as he popped the cap off another beer. "He's a right downy one, that lad! Got your Liz mooning after him down south, thinking he's the one and only and there's wedding bells going to chime. Meantime he's busy sucking face with another sheila in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)."

    Warren was riveted. "You're sure? This is solid?"

    "Damn straight, mate. Young Paul bunks in with that beaut of a new teacher whenever he's in the village, and he's in the village a lot. That's the rock solid word."

    "There's more, too." Dray smirked. "He's nailed himself a transfer, all right. But it isn't to anywhere near sweet Liz. He's lobbed off the other direction. Up north to Spruce Narrows."

    It is hard to read this. The Australian person has we call in Ojibway, maazhigiizhwehe (abnormal speech). As a member of the Ontario Provincial Police (OPP), I have met some people from Australia, and they do not talk this way.

    There are parts of this to explain. Why would “bush telegraph” know Elizabeth, a school teacher, was leaving Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and I (a member of the OPP) asked for a transfer? “Bush telegraph” was really Elizabeth’s ex-boss Gary Crane, who is responsible for meeting the helicopters in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Gary does not believe whites and Ojibway should wiidigembe (get married). He approves of me and my fiancée, Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper). He did not approve of me and Elizabeth. I do not believe the same way. My noos (father) is Irish and my ngashi (mother) is Ojibway. Gary was the one who told these things. You can tell. The story knows what happens in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It does not know what happens in Milborough or any other place.

    I know Elizabeth left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for Anthony Caine in Milborough. I namanj iidog (wondered) why Elizabeth did not tell me this. I namanj iidog (wondered) why Elizabeth would want me to apply for a transfer to the OPP in Toronto, if she really wanted Anthony Caine. I think I found out today.

    Chipper said to me today, “Suds (her name for me)! Look at what April says Elizabeth says to Warren today.” It was:

    "Well, now that you've decided to stay here and get a regular job, --You'll meet someone, get married, buy a house, have a family...."

    Chipper said, “Why would any girl want an ex-boyfriend to live in her town?” I said to Chipper, “What do you mean, Chipper?” Chipper said, “Look, Suds. She wants Warren to do the same thing she wanted you to do.” I still did not understand. Chipper said, “She wanted to marry Anthony and still have you to lust after her, living in the same town. She wants Warren to do this too. She is maji-bimaadizihe (not nice). “

    I do not like to think Elizabeth is maji-bimaadizihe (not nice); but I think Chipper is right. She is very gikendaasohe (smart). Your nindawemaa (sister) likes ayaangwaamendamowin (attention) from men.

    Miigwech (thank you) again, April. If you are ever in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), you are welcome to stay with me and Chipper.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 8:25 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, do u need ne help ovah there? those peeps w/the signs sayin’ “pilots against pattersons” or “pilots have families too” marchin’ up & down in fronta ur house look a little scary 2 me. lemme know if you need a rescue.

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 sharing yr side of the story, paul!

    jeremy, thanx 4 sneaking me outta my house and getting yr mom 2 let me stay overnight @ yrs.



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