April's Real Blog

Monday, May 12, 2008

Warren reappears for more throttling

I got an e-mail from Liz, peeps, and here's what she had 2 say:

I'm so glad I'm finally engaged! I can't even tell you what a relief it is to have the token that says "I'm taken." Unless a lady has that token, there is no way she can keep other interested men at bay. If she tries, she runs the risk of having those men point out, "Well, I don't see a RING on your finger!" And nobody wants to risk that kind of humiliation!

But now I have my "token." Here's why it's so important. You might want to take notes. Recently, I was opening my apartment door after returning from the grocery store with two bags of food. When I was asked "paper or plastic," I got so confused that I said,"Give me one of each!" So they did. They really shouldn't spring those kinds of decisions on a girl! Where was I? Oh, yeah. So, I was about to unlock my door when I heard, "Elizabeth?" I looked over my shoulder, and there was a silhouette, but I recognized the silhouette, and said, "Warren!"

Warren took my paper bag from me while I still held the plastic one, and he said, "Here. Let me help you with that stuff." And I told him, "OK, but...." We started to go down the staircase that leads into my apartment, and he interrupted me with "Sorry I showed up here so late the other night... I just wanted to see you." Then we were both quiet until we had gotten to the kitchen and I started to put away my groceries. Then he continued with his talking. He said, "Look, I know I was never the most thoughtful or reliable..." And I told him, Warren, ...I'm engaged."

Now, April, I know from years of girl-experience that this isn't the sort of thing a guy will take your word for. You need proof. So I held up my left hand, to show him my engagement ring (token!) and the ring let off a magic shininess all around my hand! And the magic shininess must have scared Warren, and he went, "AAAAHHH!"

And that's why these tokens of takenness are so important for a girl. If I hadn't had that ring, I would have been forced to have a lengthy discussion with Warren where I didn't let on how serious my relationship with Anthony is. Because without a ring, no one would believe it's that serious! So April, when you are finally ready to get engaged to Gerald Delaney-Forsythe, make sure you tell him what a ringless young lady goes through!

Liz, Y is it that U and Mike won't listen? Let me tell you slowly. I. AM. NEVER. GOING. TO. MARRY. GERALD. So step the heck off already!

And poor Warren. You considered yourself broken up with him when he had to go to Yellowknife and couldn't get together w/U when U wanted him 2. But U never bothered 2 clue him in. And yr excuse was U weren't engaged 2 NE1 yet? How does that make NE sense? All U had 2 do was clue him in that U didn't want 2 d8 him NEmore.


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  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I've been following your older sister's plight with great interest, in light of her former relationship with my old Academy roomie Constable Paul Wright. Do you think I should arrest this creepy fellow who now insists on trailing Miss Elizabeth around and offering to "carry her groceries?" He is truly frightening and precisely fits the profile of a genuine serial killer/stalker/molester. I believe his name is Anthony something?

  • At 11:50 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, sgt. r. anthony is liz's fiancé. i think she'd get ticked off if us arrested him.


  • At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Sgt. Royalson, don't you dare arrest my fiancé, Anthony Caine! He gave me my engagement ring, the token that says "I'm taken." But maybe you should keep an eye on Warren Blackwood. He's the one who was lurking outside of my apartment when I came home with my groceries.

    Liz Patterson

  • At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    You might want to tell Liz to file a restraining order against Warren, or it may escalate.

    I'm starting to wonder if he had an RFID chip implanted in her, where he could track her every whereabouts. I remember when it seemed like he was right there when you and your 'rents visited her when she graduated from Uni some time back. It seems like he's always showing up right when she's alone, especially if she's back at her apartment.

  • At 3:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There are those of your readers who may be appalled at the lack of class and grace of one Warren Blackwood, showing up unannounced at Elizabeth’s apartment. It certainly was classless and graceless. On the other hand, sometimes when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Speaking for me and certain other members of our family, if this little visit from Mr. Blackwood results in a definitive wedding date for Elizabeth and Anthony, then I know a few Pattersons who are going to enjoy some lemonade.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:41 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i gave u the rubber band off my english paper. now y do u have it around that fingah on ur left hand & y do u keep wavin’ it @gerald?

  • At 6:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it was an experiment 2 c if nething around that finger wd cause the same effect liz got from waving her ring @ warren. my experiment results tell me "no."


  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Oh, patrickrsghost, don't be silly, how would Warren have gotten one of those RFID-whatsits in2 me? Obviously he just keeps track of me the old-fashioned way.


  • At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson’s silhouette said…


    It sounds like your sis has 1 of those rings some peeps who r afraid of silhouettes wear. You wave them @a silhouette & the ring lights up & it is v.v. painful 2 a silhouette. I should have known ur sis would b 1 of the peeps who wud wear a ring like that. Let me tell u & ne1 who reads here, the illumination-challenged r just the same as every1 else. No1 should b afraid of a silhouette.

    Among us silhouettes, every1 knows ur sis’ prejudice got so bad, the silhouette Grade 4 kids have been sneaking out of her class every day & attending a Grade 5 class instead & ur sis never noticed.

    This weekend I hadda say good-bye 2 my gf, Bambi von Bon Bon. After I did my mural 4 Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's & used her 4 my model; a modeling agency d00d named Carl N. Stein hired her & gave her a contract. Bambi got enuff money in advance 2 buy her old condo where she used 2 live in the Entertainment District in TO & she lives in a loft she bot in the Distillery District. It was a lotta money & the weird part is that the modeling agency d00d sed, “If Michael Patterson can get a $25K advance 4 junk, then sum1 w/real talent should get more. The standard 4 advances has been lowered.” I h8ed 2c Bambi go; but u can’t stand in the way of sum1’s dreams, eh?

    I hope things r OK w/u. Eva sends e-mails how much she loves having real Duncan there where he belongs. I luv it here in Barbados & I am getting along gr8 w/my family here.

    Duncan Anderson’s silhouette

  • At 8:44 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Duncan Anderson's Silhouette, it is NOT my fault I never noticed those children sneaking out of my class. Those silhouette kids are really hard to see!

    Liz Patterson


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