April's Real Blog

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Crud, the Flashbacks are Back

Oh, no. Here we go again. We're in2 flashbacks again. And 4 how long. Prepare 4 despair. There's this from Mike:

Formerly little sis. Did you know that a long time ago, mom used to take me, Lizzie and 5 other children from other families to the movies for my birthday? I remember one time in particular. I had decided I wanted to see the movie Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears. You may be too young to remember Godzilla, but he was a mutant, fire-breathing dinosaur and I was a huge fan. However, if you are a true Godzilla fan, you will recognize that Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears was not a real Godzilla movie, but a knockoff picture. Back in 1980, it was a few years after the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman were no longer on television; but for middle-aged housewives in 1980, the word “bionic” was considered to be funny for many years to come. One of these housewives created the Bionic Bears, and also this knock-off movie. Godzilla, as it turned out, was not a giant, fire-breathing, mutant dinosaur; but a character who looked about as menacing as Cookie Monster, and whose nose appeared or disappeared in the movie without any reason to it. In fact, there was one section where the 3 Bionic Bears and Godzilla had a musical number, which I remember this day called, “Bears with Bionics will Break Your Bicuspids”.

I remember the movie especially from the time we stood in line to see it. The lady selling the movie tickets was actually peeling them off a roll of tickets, and she was very slow about it. Mom described her ticket order as “Seven children…and one demented adult…..” which confused the lady completely, and she spent a long time looking for the roll of tickets for demented adults. In the meantime, I was desperate for mom’s protection, because one of my birthday guest invitees decided he was going to punch me out for bringing him to such a lame movie. He was also upset that mom forced us to wear pointy birthday hats in the line, so she could tell which kids were which. Needless to say, only about 4 of us abided by that rule.

It was pretty much chaos in the line otherwise. There was a boy blowing a bubble. One boy stuck out his tongue at a girl in my birthday party, while she was yelling at him to stop it. (I think she ended up pulling some of his hair out. I forget exactly.) Then behind a nerdy boy and his very blonde girlfriend was a young boy in a sweater, who kept trying to poke out his eye with his finger. Most everyone else was fairly well-behaved, until they realized mom kept on making jokes about her situation. Demented adult, maniacal mother, psychopathic parent, etc.; until the people behind her told her to stop with the jokes and get a ticket already.

For some reason, mom mentioned that she remembered this story thanks to someone having a birthday yesterday, but she couldn’t remember who it was. If she ever remembers, don’t let her take you to see Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears. It was awful.

Michael Patterson
Yuck. That story is icky. One thing that hasn't changed abt Mom over the years? She still thinx she's way funny when she's just NOT.


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  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I remember the 3 Bionic Bears. Taking part of the “bionic” craze of the late 1970s, the 3 Bionic Bears made their first appearance in a Saturday morning cartoon called Goldilocks and the 3 Bionic Bears. The premise of the show was an odd one. Each week Goldilocks, a malevolent little blonde girl, voiced by June Foray, would try to find some way to enter the home / headquarters of the 3 Bionic Bears, in order to eat their bionic porridge, rock in their bionic chairs, and sleep in their bionic beds. Invariably she would be thwarted just at the point where she was about to do one of these three things; although I remember one episode where she did actually consume the bionic porridge and became bionic herself.

    The following season was called, “Bionic Goldilocks and the 3 Bionic Bears” and the chief villain was Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch. As I recollect, the presence of Cousin Oliver was considered to be too terrifying for younger viewers and the show was cancelled after complaints from many parent groups.

    Getting away from the restrictions of 1970s network cartoons, the 3 Bionic Bears lived on in a series of odd movies like Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears, The 3 Bionic Bears vs. the Harlem Globetrotters, The 3 Bionic Bears on Gilligan’s Island, and The 3 Bionic Bears Meet the Care Bears: Too Much To Bear. I remember them fondly. However when I rented one of these movies for my daughters to watch, they informed me that I had very poor taste in animated movies.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:25 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, we’re takin’ who 2 the movies? ur niece, ur future niece & ur nephew?

    ok, i know u gotta gr8 deal frum ur mom 2 do this, cuz u sed u weren’t demented & u wanted 2b paid; but i do not get how just cuz ur fam decided they needed a family meetin’ 2 discuss all the thingz that r gonna b done w/ur sis’ wedding planz, u hafta take the kids 2 the movies by urself (well, w/me 2, but ur fam duzn’t know that. that wuz a weird condition 4 that agreement, that they think ur doin’ this totally by urself.) i totally do not get how they have 2 figger this out so aftah ur mom or ur bro finish reminiscin’ ‘bout 1979 and 1980; practically everythin’ in the weddin’ plannin’ is gonna b done.

    y not just plan the weddin’ & tell storiez ‘bout it in ur blog, nsteada reminiscin’ ‘bout the old dayz, while they r doin’ that? i know listenin’ 2 ur sis plan a weddin’ iz gonna b dull, but it can’t be ne duller than ur bro talkin’ ‘bout standin’ line @a movie theatre 4 his b-day wen he wuz little.

    also, i know little françoise wunts 2c 21, cuz she’s so smart she can do that card-countin’ thing; but i don’t think thass a good movie 4 a girl who’s 3 years old. i think horton hears a who is a bettah choice.

  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    merrie and robin agreed w/jeremy, so francie got outvoted. afterwards, merrie sed horton hears a who was "great," robin called it "the bestest," and francie sed it was, "adequate but slightly puerile."

    i wasn't able 2 xxplain my fam's reasoning abt focusing on the past all wk while doing the wedding planning. or me having 2 take the littles 2 the movies. there's no xxplaining my fam, lots of times.

    howard, i checked the tv listings and the nostalgia channel is running a marathon of 3 bionic bears movies this wkend, in case u r interested.


  • At 2:51 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As mom, my lovely wife Deanna and Elizabeth sequester themselves together to discuss wedding plans; I was reminded of an occasion in my youth when mom went off by herself back in 1979 or 1980. Whenever that happened dad was responsible for all of us and he had to get his man chores done too. For example, he would strap Lizzie onto his back while he mowed the yard and Lizzie would hold onto his neck for dear life. Lawn mowers can be pretty loud and frightening things for little girls, but dad knew better than to leave me alone with Lizzie back in those days. I knew how much dad hated doing that, so I usually gave him a good excuse to stop. For example, I might yell, “Hey, Dad! When’s lunch? Can we go someplace? DAD!” That almost always worked.

    I remember another time, when I was sitting on the counter right beside the stove as Dad was breaking eggs into a pan to get ready to make eggs. He was pretty awful at it, and would get egg juice all over the stove top and stove front. I knew how much dad hated cooking, so I usually gave him a good excuse to stop. For example, I might say, “How come ma went off by herself, dad? Why’d she go without us!” That almost always worked and I would get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.

    I remember another time, when I was munching on my PB&J, eating in our usual Patterson style, and dad was changing Lizzie’s diaper, when dad actually answered that question. He said, “Your mother gets the urge, now & then, to get away from the house. She says she needs to be herself. To be free, I guess…” There was something called “Free to Be You and Me”, which I guess mom would quote whenever it was that she needed to get away.

    These things were confusing to me. After all, if a man is going to have a proper home, then he needs to have his wife at home taking care of things. But I had heard of something from distant lands which could be the source of mom’s unmomlikeness. I said to dad, “Is that what they call women’s lip?” I remember very clearly, dad had Lizzie in one arm and his other arm held her bottle as he answered that question with a snort and a chuckle.

    Of course I was young when I asked that question. I did not know about women’s liberation with a B. But in the intervening time I have come to realize that my youthful self was full of childlike wisdom. After all, in Milborough, a woman’s lip is a much more dangerous thing than any organization for Women’s liberation.

    Michael Patterson


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