April's Real Blog

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Still with the flashbacks. Who knows how long? Here's what Mike sez:

Formerly little sis. Since my wife, the lovely Deanna, and mom have been helping Elizabeth plan out that wedding of hers; occasionally Deanna comes home with an interesting story of how the day's planning has gone. The common story Deanna tells frequently involves someone, like a florist for example, who asks Elizabeth to recount her story of romance and love with Anthony Caine. After Elizabeth tells the story of her proposal, oftentimes people react with a "Well, that's different." or "I am sure he meant to say he loved you."

What these people do not realize is that deep, down inside, Elizabeth wants a man just like Dad. And, to be honest, these ideas about Dad's romantic side were formed at a very early age, like in 1979. I remember one time, when Mom started shrieking, "OH NO! I've got a WRINKLE!" This went on for quite some time, until Dad finally got up from reading his newspaper and said, "Well, kids. It looks like I have to go in. If I don't come back, remember me well." Well, so Lizzie and I followed to see what he was talking about. He looked pretty nervous approaching the washroom, where mom was. He peaked his head around the side of the door and said, "So...What's one wrinkle?" As near as I could tell, mom was standing in front of the mirror with a reflection that looked somewhat like she was staring a ghost of herself, because she had no chin and her hair looked a sheet.

She turned around very quickly to Dad and said, "This is the beginning! This is it! Some day I'll be covered with LINES!!!" Dad looked startled. I thought she was coming at him with a knife, until I realized it was just mom's hand with razor-sharp claws on it. That was a relief.

Then Dad turned on the old Patterson charm and calmed Mom down. In one simple phrase, Dad let Mom know that no matter how wrinkled and ugly she got, he would be able to still understand her. Lizzie sighed when she heard him say it, and I could tell, even then, her idea of romantic love was being formed. Dad said, "I'll always be able to read between them..." and he turned and walked away from Mom with a smile on his face. Problem solved.

I know some people might think that "read between the lines" means "to understand the unexpressed but implied meaning of something said or written" and that lines on someone's face are not said or written. To those people I would say, "Stop taking things so literally!!" Some people.

Michael Patterson
Wow, ppl did U C what just happened there? Mike telling folks NOT 2 take things literally? Mike, who usually goes out of his way 2 take things overly literally? I think I'm in shock.


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  • At 12:20 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Don’t be silly. As a published author, I can write in more than one way. I can take things both literally and illiterally.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i guess so, but i thot this was a first 4 u, mike.


  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know a zit scar by the outside corner of ur right eye izn’t rilly a sign of agin’, no mattah wut gerald sed 2u in fronta hiz gf, trickie beldan. it’s just a sign u had sum zits. it’s not like it makes u ne less hott. u can stop askin’ me if i can “read below the scar”. u know i’ve rilly liked u evah since the dayz wen i wuz chasin’ u down on my bike, & ur way hotter now than u were then & a little zit scar here & there only makes u look bettah 2 me.

    ick! i tried 2 write that romantic & i stink @it.

  • At 2:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, jeremy. i dunno y ger is so mean sumtymes.


  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It’s interesting that your brother’s story about your mother involves her fear of being covered in wrinkles. To be honest, when I have seen your mother, I really don’t see any wrinkles or any extra lines to speak of, even in places where I might expect an occasional wrinkle, like her eyelids. Obviously, whatever your mom did for skin care has paid off over the years.

    However, my wife Beatrice Alfarero has suggested to me, that since your mother’s nose has grown to such large proportions over the years, perhaps she has had cosmetic work done where her loose skin from old age that would normally have made a wrinkle has been surgically tied and gathered into her nose. That would make sense to me; but it would have to have been a pretty good job, since there is no detectable scarring around the nose.

    Do you know anything about that?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:46 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There was a moment when Elizabeth was modeling Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress in front of Dad where he was looking at it carefully and saying, “I’ve seen this dress before. It’s…” and then both mom and Deanna gave Dad such a glare it could have peeled paint off the walls. Actually it did a little, so I need to buy some touch up paint. Dad followed up with “It’s absolutely and definitely Grandma Marian’s dress. There is no doubt in my mind it is Grandma Marian’s. Yessir. Grandma Marian’s.”

    After the ladies left, I said to Dad, “That was a close one Dad. You almost revealed where the dress really came from.” Dad said, “Michael. That was not close. That was an easy one. When your wife gives you a look like that, you know you are headed in the wrong direction. The most difficult ones are the ones where your wife doesn’t give any direction.” I said, “Like what?”

    Dad said, “For example, back in 1979, your mom would lie in bed at night and say, ‘Considering I’m over 30, John, I’ve decided to be very objective about my looks.’” I laughed when he said that. I said, “Mom? When has she ever been objective about her looks?” Dad said, “Exactly. So she would continue on and say, ‘So---on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say I’m 7…What do you think?...or am I 6?...(There are odd days I’m 8)….)’” I interrupted saying, “Then you must have said, ‘Oh, I think you act older than all those ages.’?” Dad said, “No, Michael. When a woman is talking about her appearance, a husband must never make jokes, at least not jokes that make any sense. You can say something like, ‘I’ll always be able to read between them (lines)…’ which makes no sense at all; but never tell a joke. The best thing to do when you are lying in bed and your wife starts talking about her appearance is to close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Not very often, but it is worth it when it does.”

    I said, “What do you do when it doesn’t work?” Dad said, “Well. When she insists on getting an answer, which she usually does with a single word question like, "WELL?", then what I do is say, ‘If you think I’m falling into that trap, you’re crazy!’” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Boy does it ever. Instead of talking about her looks, which is a very dangerous topic, you are instead talking about her sanity, which is much safer. She will almost always say, ‘Well, if I’m crazy, it’s you and the kids who drove me there.’ Then, if you are lucky, she will be in a huff, roll over and go to sleep after muttering to herself for an hour. If you are not lucky, she may go back to her original subject.” I said, “What happens then?” Dad said, “If you have to give her a number, 7 is a pretty safe number. It’s higher than average, but low enough so she will believe you are giving her an honest answer.”

    It was another valuable lesson from Dad. He is wise in the ways of the womenfolk.

    Michael Patterson


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