April's Real Blog

Friday, April 18, 2008

Mom gets huggy

After Mom clomped off and told Dad she'd quit motherhood, Dad trotted in2 my room w/his casserole gut and sed, "April? --Go and apologize 2 yr mother." Which is so wrong. Y did he not get MOM 2 apologize 2 ME 4 being pestery and yelling that mean stuff abt quitting? I'll tell U Y. The Martian-Princess Teenangster is alwayz presumed WRONG in my house. I was typing my homework, even tho I'd gone eyeless. Good thing I touch-type. I sed, "I will in a minute." Dad came over 2 my left side and yanked my chair back so hard and fast that there were motion lines from my monitor 2 my chest. The force of that caused my eyes 2 return and bug out. 2 B xxtra-threatening, he pted down @ the motion lines and sed, "I strongly suggest that U do it NOW."

I went 2 Mom, who was in the kitchen scowling, holding a dish and a glass, and sporting a squiggly line o' anger above her hed. I went, "Mom? I'm sorry that I shouted @ U. It's just that I've gotta study an' practice my music an' get 3 essays written an' there R totally not enuf hrs in the day! MayB when I'm in university, an' away from the distractions of home, it'll B easier." Mom got a gobsmacked look on her face. Then she put down her glass and plate and threw her arms around me. I was, like, "WHAT?!!"

I know that ppl who have coffee w/Mom @ Lilliput's will hear abt this story and assume that Mom was getting sentimental abt me leaving home, thinking she'll B sad an' miss me. Knowing Mom the way I do, I think it's more like, she was so HAPPY 2 B reminded I'll B leaving 4 uni next year, she just hadta hug the nearest person. But I guess I've gotten really cynical, eh?


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  • At 8:22 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    If my dad did that 2 me, Id punch him out.

    I think yr dad assaulted u, u shld totally sue him. U shld call my old lawyer, hes gr8 & he knows all abt assault & suing peeps.


    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, dunc, i'll try yr lawyer. my 'rents r whacked!


  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Young lady, you should remember just how very fortunate you are not to be First Nations or a Jamaican immigrant or a Special Needs Child, all of whom have something to whine and complain about. Think of your Very Special Friends who are in the categories I have enumerated above.

    Would Shannon "mouth off" to her mother? I think not. Your wonderful author brother Michael would certainly never do such a thing either. Such a fine young gentleman, like your future brother-in-law Anthony. Do you suppose Anthony would ever raise his voice?

    Frankly, you disappoint me more than I can say. I hope that once you've taken your flighty, sarcastic ways off to Regina, Medicine Hat, or New York City you will begin to appreciate your family and feel deep, long-lasting, and painful guilt for your behavior.
    A Friend

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, which one of my friends is posting as "a friend"? not dunc, cuz he knows he's from barbados and not jamaica. unless it's dunc throwing in that mistake 2 throw me off his trail. nah, that doesn't sound like dunc's sense of humour.

    neway, thanx 4 giving me another laff, "a friend." u r hilarious!!!


  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Ur rite, anon d00d wasnt me. Im not Jamaican, anon d00d, not that theres nething wrong w/ b-ing Jamaican. Apes, let me no if u need a loan 4 the lawyer, Im ok 4 $ rite now.

    I 4got 2 tell u Im going on leave from Redd Hott Bajan Mammas LLP on May 4. Im going 2 start working on my Grade 12 credits. I shld b finished b4 the next tourist season. I still dunno about coming back 2 Canada 4 uni but I still have a few months 2 d-cide.


    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i called yr lawyer, but when i told him who i was and that i mite b interested in suing my dad, yr lawyer was like, "i don't handle lawsuits against pattersons! i'd have 2 b a fool 2 b on the wrong side of a patterson suit!" thanx 4 yr offer, tho.

    r u gonna come up 2 visit when u r on leave from rhbm? horny t's really misses u, they say their biz had dropped by, like, a quarter.

    oh, and i hope u do come back 2 ca 4 uni!


  • At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's probably a good idea to attend University far from home like your mother did. Otherwise you risk spouting non sequiturs even when you're not angry.


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