April's Real Blog

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mike Goes Diva on Weed

Mike has another lil dispatch 4 U, from the land of his ego:

Formerly little sis. I don’t think I mentioned yesterday why I was at Josef Weeder’s photography studio. You may have thought it was so I could show him my new book, but actually I was there posing for publicity shots. For some reason I am not quite sure about, my publisher Reiner and Browne did not have me do publicity shots for my first novel Stone Season; but they said that the quality of my second novel Blood Cargo was of such a level that they wanted people to be able to recognize my face and associate it with my writing. Naturally, I recommended my old friend Josef Weeder for the job, since he is the best photographer in all of Toronto, and also because he would be willing to do the job for what Reiner and Browne was willing to pay.

When I approached Josef about it he said, “Mike. For this kind of money, all you’re going to get is a handheld camera, no backgrounds, one light and you seated in front of a posing table with Carleen handling only one reflector.” That sounded like a lot to me so I naturally reacted with a “Wow!” As we started, I sat at the table with my arms crossed and I said, “I never thought I’d be posing for publicity shots, Weed!” Weed was ever the professional and said, “Head up a bit?” and he pointed his finger up to show me which direction that was. Unfortunately, he shot the picture with his hand still in that position, so he got a nice picture of me with his hand in front of my face. I told him that picture probably wouldn’t work. He said, “I know, Mike. Now stop talking.”

But I couldn’t help myself, I was so excited. I said, “I don’t want to change, you know? I don’t want to become someone I’d normally dislike!” I sensed Carleen was behind me adjusting the reflective screen. She was muttering something like, “As if it that were possible.” I said it was such a kind thing to mutter, how I couldn’t possibly become someone icky. Josef said, “There’s a shadow, Carleen. Shut up, Mike. All we are getting are pictures of your jaw moving.”

I held a copy of my book in front of me so the picture could take in the title Blood Cargo. Josef said, “Mike, man. I know you are working hard to set up some kind of bad pun; but can’t you stop talking and wait until after we finish taking your picture? All these pictures are going to be blurry.” I said I would; but then I realized I wanted to point out something and I said, “I want to stay grounded and true to myself and to everyone around me. I don’t want this bit of success to go to my head.” I saw a “Poof” go off in front of me.

I said, “Was that the camera going off, or did someone cut the cheese? Carleen was that you?” Carleen said, “No, Mike. ‘Poof’ symbolizes the longevity of your career as an author.” I thanked Carleen again for yet another compliment and I noticed that Josef had all the photographs he had taken up on his computer screen. I said, “That’s an awful lot of pictures for one ‘Poof’.” For some reason, Carleen started laughing when I said that.

I rushed over to Josef and gave him as much affection as I could with Carleen there. I touched him gingerly and lovingly on the shoulder and said, “…are you leaving enough space for my autograph?” Josef grimaced and said, “Sure Mike. You can sign right over the blur that is your mouth in every single one of these pictures.” He was in a bad mood for some reason. Artists, even photographic artists, can be quite moody sometimes.

That’s it for today, April. More tomorrow. I know your readers can’t wait.

Michael Patterson
Aw, Mike, U're already someone most of us normally dislike. I wonder if becoming someone U wd normally dislike wd make U more likable to the rest of us?


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  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hadda gr8 nite w/u last nite. 2 bad ‘bout duncan & the stuff that happed @the fireworks. i hope he isn’t scarred 4 life & i know all ‘bout scarz. u know, i didn’t realize it till you pointed it out, that both duncan & his bro charles have thoze freaky purple lips. must b sum kinda genetic thing.

    neway, ur bro’s thing ‘bout not becomin’ sum1 he wud dislike wuz inneresting. i looked on ur mom’s website & found the thingz he dislikes r elvis, relish on his hotdogs, deadlines, guys who don't wash, writers who can't write, editors who can't edit. i think he’z @least 1 of those & it’s not elvis or a deadline. yeah, a hotdog w/relish is the 1 i wuz thinkin’. ur beginnin’ 2 think like me. u shud b worried.

    ok. back 2 math.

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous L. Iketa Shoot said…

    Mr. Michael Patterson,

    I and my associates who spent our hard-earned money to purchase copies of your last book Stone Season would love to have as many of those publicity photos as you can spare. After reading your last book, we think that your picture would be especially inspirational during our training.

    L. Iketa Shoot
    President Canadian Shooting Sports Association Milborough

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I must admit your brother’s story about publicity shots for him to autograph confused me; because most authors sign the inside of their books during autograph sessions and not pictures. However, it occurred to me from what my wife Beatrice, who works at Lilliput’s Book Store, told me happened during his book signing there last November, having only a picture to sign might be a safer investment.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh man oh man oh man oh man.
    Charles & Zed.

    Isnt there sum law against yr xgf & yr brother d8ing? Its rilly rilly rong.

    Duncan Anderson

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, dunc, that's way harsh. jeremy and i r @ horny t's in case u wanna join us.


  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    duncan, i sed it last nite & i’ll say it again. too many r’s w/the rilly rilly rong. u got 2 where i felt like i wuz in 1 of those countries where they can’t say “l” & u were sayin’ “rirry rirry rong” wen u wunted 2 say “lilly lilly long”. also the words “awry, wicked, & raw deal” r not ne bettah. charles wallace wuz sayin’ u shud use the wordz “immoral, iniquitous” nstead & aftah all the r’s, i gotta agree. if u come ovah 2 horny t’s, uze those words, eh? no “r” wordz.

    d00d, eva wunts u bad. i dunno y u don’t just stick w/eva. she wuz pretty nice wen i d8ed her. it’s not like b-ing w/april where i wanna marr…um…it’s ok w/eva iz all. u shud d8 eva & ignore the stuff w/ur bro & zandra. last nite wen zandra sed thingz like, “charles, i just luv ur purple lips.” i know i wuz ignorin’ it. altho april did say it wuz makin’ her a little nauseous.

  • At 12:52 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It seems like just yesterday I was getting my publicity photos from Josef Weeder. By the way, I decided to pick the picture where I had my hand on my chin and my other other hand holding my new novel Blood Cargo. Josef said the dual hand positions would show that the idea for the book came out of my head, or maybe my chin. Of course I thought my hair looked swept back like a wind was blowing on it from the big “Poof” I mentioned yesterday in the photo shoot and there was a huge shadow under my arm and the book, which just shows that this new male Carleen Stein is not as good with the reflective screens as the old female Carleen was. Nevertheless, it all turned out well, when my picture was put on the placard outside of Lilliput’s for my book-signing.

    Naturally, my children came. My daughter was practising her reading skill by reading the placard to me. It said, “Meet Local Author Michael Patterson Tonight 7:00 – 9:00 Latest Book” and then some other words below that she couldn’t read. I sat at a table, which was not particularly well-lit, signed books and took compliments. One person I couldn’t see said, “It’s going to be your next best-seller, Mike!” This was not a particularly astute statement, since I would hate to think Blood Cargo was not going to be a best-seller and my next novel or some other novel even later would be. Another person I could not see said, “Anyone called about movie rights?” Initially I thought they were talking about those people who did the “War Bride” movie who have been harassing me about how they had the rights to the story I told in my novel Stone Season; but it turns out they were talking about getting the movie rights to Blood Cargo. I told them no one called, but if they did, I would let them know. You have to pretend the little people buying your book are important. Then yet another person I could not see said, “Could you sign here, please?” That was actually a helpful statement, because I discovered I was signing the man’s hand and not his book. At this point, I had to insist Moira Kinney get more light.

    Then mom came over to the table with my kids and she said, “This is wonderful, honey! Some very important people are here!” I thought she meant my kids or this guy on the other side of the table with a microphone pointed at me who said, “Excuse me, could we have a few words with you?” As it turned mom was talking about these people she has coffee with.

    Well, I met the “coffee talk” people mom wanted me to meet. Then I did the interview with the guy with the microphone, until I realized he was just a weird guy who liked to carry around a microphone. We had a few words about how to go about pretending to be a journalist, a subject with which I am very familiar with my work over at Portrait Magazine. He walked off in a huff and I heard my son say, “Why is ever’body so incited, Merrie?” At first I thought to correct him and say, “excited” and then I remembered the guy with the microphone, and realized my son got the word right. I thought it was a word beyond him, until I looked at my son and realized he had grown quite a bit since I got him his own room and out of the crib. The doctor said something about how the crib was keeping him from growing properly, and I guess he was right. My son looked about 2 years older than he did 3 months ago.

    My daughter was the recipient of his question, and she said, “I dunno…It’s just another book!!!” I was a little surprised she would say that, but then I could tell that in a book store full of books, my daughter had pointed out that my book was one among many. Then I realized my daughter was wearing one of your old school uniform skirts. I think there is something about losing yourself in the writing and book-selling process that makes your kids seem like they have grown up overnight. I would have thought about it more, but there was a giant man, a fat lady, and a guy with facial hair all waiting for my autograph. Distractions, distractions, formerly little sis.

    By the way, are you still living with mom and dad, or are you at university now? I just want to make sure I am keeping up.

    Michael Patterson


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