April's Real Blog

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I write better than she does!

So, it was just Mom and Connie dropping off me and Eva @ the mall. Liz has been borrowing my car again. Soon after we got dropped off, Mom sent me a text asking where 2 pick us up. I wrote back and told her.

Much later, Connie told me abt what she and Mom had talked abt rite B4. Mom was all, "The whole time we were driving them 2 the mall, April and Eva were text-messaging each other!" And Connie went, "Kids!" Then Mom told her,"April and her friends are constantly sending little notes to each other. ::tsk:: ...They can't just save it all up and have a conversation!" Then she parked the car and told Connie, "And, they use some kind of code! Kids! Their language is eroding and nobody cares. They don't even know how 2 write NEmore! Writing's become a lost art!!" They got out of the car and Connie asked Mom, "Did they say where they wanted 2 B picked up?" Mom sed, "No!" Then she got out her fone 2 send the text 2 me, telling Connie, "...I'll send them a message." Apparently, this cracked Connie's shizz up, LOLfully.

So Mom thinks "kids" don't know how 2 write NEmore. I say we know how 2 write in different ways. The way I write a txt or a blog entry is NOT the same way I write an essay 4 English, as my A's in English will show U. I'd luv 2 C my Mom write an essay and get it graded by my English teacher. Then we'll C who doesn't know how 2 write NEmore.


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  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous michael paatterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You actually think mom would do poorly with an essay graded by your English teacher. Sometimes I wonder if you even know your mother.

    Mom has done such a great job editing my last 2 books, that my publisher Reiner and Browne doesn't even go through the normal editing cycle that they do with other authors. My first draft for them is also my last draft, and my time from writing the book to getting the book published is faster than anyone else out there. That's all thanks to mom.

    Mom definitely knows the rules of proper sentence constructions. If she says text messaging is eroding your writing skills, then you should consider the possibility that mom is right, instead of taking your usual Martian position that mom is always wrong.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    or u cd consider the possibility that mom cd b wrong abt sumthing and that i cd b right, instead of yr normal kiss-arse position that mom is always right. oh, w8, this is michael "my mommy is the bestest in the whole world" patterson i'm addressing. it'll never happen.


  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I don’t see any problem with praising a mother whose editing skills have allowed me to support and take care of my family with 2 best-selling novels within 7 months of each other. Attack mom all you want on areas where she is a little silly, like shaving sheets that are older than I am, for example. But when it comes to writing, there is clear, incontrovertible, best-selling numerical truth that she knows what she is talking about. For you to attack her on this subject, only shows you are being obstinate for the sake of being obstinate. Come on, formerly little sis. You are better than this. Try to remember you are a Patterson.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:15 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, iz the mall trip w/eva where u ended up runnin’ n2 lotsa peeps frum skool? or is this the trip where eva bought her knee-high, high-heeled black boots that she calls “the boots that will keep duncan ridin’ high in the saddle” (wutevah that meanz)? neway, ur mom is definitely not right ‘bout textin’ causin’ probs in english. i know evah since u agreed 2b my gf & we text every day, my grades in english have gone up.

  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Oddly enough, I had an appointment with your father for an article being done in Portrait Magazine. This is the conversation as best I recollect it:

    Dr. John Patterson: Howard Bunt. Are you still out of prison?
    Me: Yes, Dr. Patterson. It turns out the Court of Appeals frowns on people put to trial without properly-researched legal procedure.
    Dr. John Patterson: Well. I still say Anthony Caine did a bang-up job testifying against you, and it will be great to have him as a son-in-law.
    Me: I am glad someone thinks so.
    Dr. John Patterson: What was this about again?
    Me: The argument presented is that the use of slang terms causes language to erode, so that no one knows how to write anymore. We want to know how an expert in dentistry feels about that statement.
    Dr. John Patterson: Well, that certain sounds right to me. I think Elly was telling me the same thing just yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and possibly even the day before that.
    Me: But what about dental slang?
    Dr. John Patterson: Dental slang?
    Me: For example, the use of the term “Minnesota” for the tissue retractor used in periodontal and oral surgery procedures. Does the use of that term in dentistry cause language to erode?
    Dr. John Patterson: Um?
    Me: {Checking notes} Or as another example, the use of the term "Maryland Bridge" which is a one tooth fixed restoration that is bonded to the lingual surface of the adjacent teeth.
    Dr. John Patterson: Cheeze!
    Me: {Checking notes} Or as another example, the use of the term "vibrator” which is a device used to pour impressions more accurately. Have you noticed any language erosion from the use of these terms?
    Dr. John Patterson: Well, you certainly have a lot of examples. Those are just terms used in the dental field. If I were at my home, I would not use the word “vibrator” outside of the dental office, even if someone asked me to. Outside the dental office, that would mean something different.
    Me: {Checking notes} How about the term “yellow top”?
    Dr. John Patterson: At my stage of marriage, condoms are not necessary.
    Me: I mean a "Yellow Top" referring to the syringe needle (27 gauge, long).
    Dr. John Patterson: Oh, right. Dentistry.
    Me: Are these terms causing you to lose the art of writing?
    Dr. John Patterson: Writing? Don’t tell my wife, but I always hated writing. Back in school, I always hated writing essays, because I never could remember all the rules. In dentistry, it doesn’t matter if you know that MOD stands for Mesio-Occlusal-Distal or if you spell it correctly or use it in sentence correctly, as long as you know it’s a cavity prep that includes the proximal area between adjacent teeth and the occlusal surface.
    Me: So this MOD slang caused you to lose the art of writing?
    Dr. John Patterson: Not if you never had that art to begin with.
    Me: I think I have what I needed. Thank you for your time, Dr. Patterson.
    Dr. John Patterson: You’re welcome. Do you want a cinnamon roll? I know the owner, and I can get them free.

    That’s the conversation as I remember it. I thought you might find it interesting.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Witch of Corbeil said…

    Michael Patterson! Infidel! Your drivel was published by the grace of ME, not your mother's inept "editing." How dare you misappropriate the credit! I will punish your mother for your lack of proper obeisance. Next time you see her, that schnozz and rump will be three times their usual size.


    Witch of Corbeil

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, no wonder my dad was looking a bit shifty this evening when my mom launched in2 one of her diatribes against language being eroded. he was all, "oh that reminds me, i have a dental magazine 2 read."

    jeremy, during the mall trip i m writing abt, we ran in2 ppl from school, but i can't tell u who or how many, and also eva bought sum boots, but i can't tell us which ones. sorry and stay tuned!


  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Witch of Corbeil,

    Respectfully, dear Witch of Corbeil. I am sorry for misappropriating the credit. Don’t hurt me.

    You see, the rumour is that you had retired from witching back last September, and let your witchly minions handle almost all of your daily duties as you spent your time taking vacations or using a spell to resurrect a dead dog in order to tell a children’s story. In fact, mom told me if you reappeared, it was most likely a witchly minion pretending it was you. The way I was to tell was to look at the pictures for the April’s Real Blog entry story for the day, and if there was a silhouette or a blackened-in background in every picture, it was just a witchly minion. Hold on a minute…

    OK! Ha! Witchly minion. Nice try but you don’t fool me! The real Witch of Corbeil is busy with resurrecting the corpse of our family canine to entertain children. Mom still deserves the credit for my best-sellers. Ha!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i get it. no more questionz ‘bout the mall trip. it’s just have this bad feelin’ some of the thingz gerald sed 2 me 2day r cuz of thingz that happed in that mall trip.

    now, can u xxplain xxactly y we r sneakin’ ovah 2 anthony caine’s place 2 steal back ur car? i know u sed u think ur sis keeps her car @her apartment so peeps think she iz there, & she uses ur car 2 go 2 anthony caine’s place so peeps won’t think she iz there. it duzn’t make sense. i mean, cudn’t anthony caine just drive her ovah 2 hiz place, so they cud do the same thing w/o usin’ ur car?

    also, wut did ur mom mean when she sed u still had ur G1 back in february, so u cudn’t possibly have ur G2 yet? that didn’t make ne sense 2 me.

  • At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Witch of Corbeil said…

    Michael Patterson, you foolish, foolish boy! How dare you suggest I have minions writing in my stead? Just for that, you shall be eyeless for rest of the evening. And your mother's rear end shall make her immobile for the evening, lest you consider questioning once again who deserves "credit."

    Witch of Corbeil

  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i dunno y liz does things the way she does, i just want my car back.

    and mom didn't say i still had my g1 back in feb. she only sed she wanted 2 go out on a driving excursion w/me as if i still only had the g1, cuz she had 4gotten 2 do so when i did, busy as she was reminiscing abt the past, griping abt being old and fat, and whatev else she does 2 waste her time.


  • At 8:34 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, I just got a panicky call from Dee, going on and on about Mike having no eyes. I said, "What's the big deal, we all go eyeless all the time, and it never lasts." Dee said, "That's the problem! The eyelessness only ever lasts for a few seconds or so. Mike was reading April's blog one moment, then the next he was eyeless and his eyes are not coming back. He's been this way for almost half an hour!"

    I told her that I don't have time for this, I'm busy being a perfect future wife for Anthony and future stepmother for what's-er-name.


  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u think that's bad, u shd get a load of mom. she was sitting on the chesterfield reading a book called kids today: they do everything wrong, when suddenly her butt and nose started 2 xxpand. her nose got 2 b the size of a grapefruit, and her butt just kept xxpanding until it took up the whole width of the couch. then it went a bit bigger than that, so mom is totally stuck.

    she's screaming, "john, i'm STUCK! help me, john, i m STUCK!"



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