April's Real Blog

Monday, May 26, 2008

Texting 4 Privacy

4 reasons I will xxplain l8er in the week, my mom recently drove me and Eva downtown. She had Connie Poirer in the front passenger seat w/her, so Eva and I were sitting 2gether in the back. Eva took out her fone and texted, "who = the old guy n front?" I texted back "no guy. mom's frnd connie." Eva texted back "ew." I texted, "yeah."

Then Mom sed, "R U girls comfortable back there?" And I sed, "Uh-huh." I was texting 2 Jeremy, "mom = annoying." Then she was saying sumthing abt, "It's taking a long time 2 get downtown. There's so much traffic." While she was stopped in traffic, she turned 2 look @ us, all, "U 2 R awfully quiet! Don't Uhave NEthing 2 say 2 ea other?" And I sed, "Yeah! Sure!" And Eva and I simulthought, "But not aloud" as I was TICKA TICK TEXT TICK TICK-ing sumthing abt how hard it is 2 tell Mom apart from Dad. "the rl rsn 4 the bun," I was writing. Eva went back 2 her own fone and texted, "lolololol!"

Thanx 4 the encouraging words, patrickrsghost. It's just so like Mike 2 lob out the low blows like that, and then act all innocent, like he's not a heartless bastard.


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  • At 12:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. "Heartless bastard"? No, April. Mom has told me again and again, that she was married to dad before I was conceived, and that I was judged healthy with a working heart then, just as I am in the peak of physical health now.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:28 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, oh so this wuz that trip. i remembah getting "mom = annoying" & wonderin' wut wuz goin' on w/u & eva. by the way, iz this gonna b 1 of thoze weeks where u start off tellin' a story 'bout ur mom & connie poirier & ur mom endz up tellin' u guys a lotta stories in ur blog frum 1979, wen ur mom took connie 2 visit iris in hospital. i hope not. altho, it wud xxplain sum of the texts u sent 2 me on that trip.

    u know, i thot it wuz kinda odd back last september, ur bro made a big deal 'bout correctin' his daughter wen she wuz lookin' @old pics & thot ur bro wuz born b4 ur 'rents were married. i think he may b coverin' sumthin' up. aftah all, i have alwayz thot it wuz a little strange ur mom hadda drop outa skool 2 work, cuz supposedly ur dad needed money 2 finish dental skool, like he wudn't have had enuff if he hadn't met ur mom. that nevah made ne sense 2 me. but if ur bro wuz on the way, then it makes a lot more sense.

  • At 12:45 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Marriage and child-bearing for the Pattersons has often been a confusing business. I remember when I used to work with Lawrence Poirier at Lakeshore Landscaping, and he told us stories about how Michael and Deanna Patterson supposedly had a secret wedding before they started living together, and then later had a big fancy public wedding where Deanna ended up getting pregnant before the honeymoon. Lawrence used to comment that it was mighty coincidental about that secret wedding.

    So, when Michael Patterson told that story back in September about his conception and his mom didn't know how it happened, it sounded very similar to the story where he learned his wife was pregnant. I think April may be onto something.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Now see what you started. First you don't show up for my book-signing at Lilliput's and now this. Cheeze, April.

    Gentlemen. My secret wedding did occur. Gordon Mayes can attest to it. Lawrence is just mad because I invited Gordon and not him. I still invited Lawrence to my second wedding. Also my honeymoon trip was 4 months after my wedding. The second wedding. So, it does not mean anything that my wife was pregnant before my honeymoon trip.

    My children were not born out of wedlock and neither was I. I am not a bastard, no matter what my sister may say.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Gordon Mayes said…


    I was at Michael's secret wedding, so I can confirm his children are not bastards. As for Michael's birth, I was too young to be there. As for our old friend, Lawrence Poirier, I have to admit I am a little confused as to whether or not he is a bastard or not. When I first knew him, he wasn't a bastard. He was simply a son whose father had abandoned him and gone back to Brazil after their parents divorced. Then later on, he started telling me this story about how he was a Honduran love child and that he had just met his father for the first time, i.e. he was now a bastard.

    There are those in Milborough who thought this change in Lawrence's story might have been a show of support for Michael Patterson's rumoured bastardization, after Michael supported Lawrence when he came out of the closet. However, I have been assured by Elly Patterson that Michael was born well after she and Dr. John Patterson were married. I know that since the Patterson parents have taken to telling stories from 1979, where they describe Michael as being 5 or 6 years old, people could get confused and think that perhaps Michael's birthdate is not in 1976 as it is listed on his mother's website. There is a simple explanation for this. There were a few years in Milborough where nobody aged. That is the reason for the date confusion and I am sure you will understand it is quite a bit more believable that the ridiculous idea that your brother is a bastard.

    Be sure to stop by an oil change at Mayes Midtown Motors between now and Friday, and get the oil filter for free.

    Gordon Mayes
    Mayes Midtown Motors, President and CEO

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, no1 wants this 2 b a flashback wk, but unfortch, u will hafta w8 and c if it is. think gd thots, eh?

    ok, every1, i wasn't being literal w/the word "bastard"--i was using it in the "slang" sense: "a vicious, despicable, or thoroughly disliked person." and mike, "heartless" means "unfeeling; unkind; unsympathetic; harsh; cruel."

    4 a writer, mike sure has trouble w/the subtleties of language.



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