Anthony post
So, like Howard heard fr. his lawyer yesterday, his trial is delayed 4 "various reasons". It turns out that even tho it was Sunday and a holiday weekend @ that, Anthony and Liz got called in2 the prosecutor's 2 learn that same thing. Only I didn't hear this fr. Liz. I found that Anthony was posting on a message board 4 single parents trying 2 hook up w/their hi-school sweethearts:
Becks, that T-giving dinner @ yr house was wild, as alwayz! Sorry Ger an' I missed so much of it while we were in the broom closet getting him street cred. Or trying 2.
Happy Thanksgiving, Canada, an' a Happy Columbus Day 2 the Yanks!!!
April
From: lonelyanthdad2franmboroOMG, Liz, he's so scheming 2 use this trial 2 get with you again. I'm printing out pics of Paul and taping them alllll over the guest room so you won't 4get him!!!
Subj: Whoo, here we go!
So, my friends, remember how I told you all that this "going after" trial was really going to help pave the way with my high-school sweetie? Well, the most marvellous thing just happened, and on a holiday weekend, no less! On Sunday!
Well, I got a call saying that "EP" and I had to go to the prosecutors' offices right away and get debriefed. We met at the office, and just as I was about to lean in and smell her lovely, fragrant, ponytailed hair, the door opened and Mr. Prosecutor said, "Mr. [my lastname]? Miss [her lastname]? Would you come into my office, please, and take a seat?" So we did.
Once we were seated in the office, he said, "Now, U both understand that this trial may take some time. There may be delays for various reasons." "EP" said, "Yes, sir." And I said, "We understand." Do you see what I did there with the "we"? I spoke for both of us, a very "couply" thing to do. My darling EP no doubt must have seen this as a protective gesture, plus it also gets her mind used to thinking of us as a pair, as partners! I'm a genius!
Mr. Prosecutor went on: "However, we must be sure that you are going to remain in town and be readily available to provide testimony in regards to the case pending against a Mr. [Going-Afterer]. The scrumptious "EP" asked, "When do you need us to appear in court?" (US! Us, us, US! Swooooon!) And Mr. Prosecutor said, "I don't know. There's been a delay for various reasons."
My heart did a little dance. A delay for various reasons! Surely, this can only work in my favour. Dear "EP" has this trial at the front of her mind, she knows she can't leave town to visit that NobleNative "current love" of hers, so you best bet I'll swoop in and give her plenty of "support". I could be at her side for weeks and weeks! I'll be her pillar, people, her port in the storm! She is so mine!
I'll keep you posted, my friends!
Becks, that T-giving dinner @ yr house was wild, as alwayz! Sorry Ger an' I missed so much of it while we were in the broom closet getting him street cred. Or trying 2.
Happy Thanksgiving, Canada, an' a Happy Columbus Day 2 the Yanks!!!
April
posted by April Patterson @ 7:41 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
Zhat bastaird, this 'as been 'is plan all along, je le connaissais!
Thérèse
At 12:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Cheeze, you are exaggerating, as usual, Anthony is not acting like a crazy person or anything, he's not a stalker like Howard. He is still carrying a little torch for me but that is not so weird, just about every man I ever meet falls in love with me, it's normal. I wish you would quit acting like he's some kind of horrible freak, he's not, remember he's just like Dad, and you don't hate Dad, but saying you hate Anthony is just like saying you hate Dad, it's like the transitive property I am teaching in math class where a=b and b=c so a=c. so you should stop it, you're acting like a terrible daughter and I would hate to have to tell Mom on you.
Besides, I think the best part of this trial is that it gives me a chance to spend some quality time with Anthony, he is one of my best friends you know, even though we hardly talked all those years, we have a bond that will last forever.
Liz
At 12:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
that transitive thing only works if i accept that anthony is just like dad, and i don't. anthony doesn't even care about trains and he doesn't know the first thing about teeth. i even caught him rolling his eyez once when dad was telling anthony abt the teeny-tiny choo-choo house. and anthony doesn't even like ironing clothes. see, he's not just like dad!
apes
At 12:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
yo peeps, more krazee stories frum last nite:
well, both great aunt jackie an' great uncle jethro dressed as pilgrims again this year. dad saw aunt jackie in her pilgrim dress an' sed "u r the hottest puritan babe i ever saw. let's get it on." aunt jackie giggled an' sed "i'm not wearing ne panties under this prim frock." dad grabbed jackie an' they started 2 make out on the diving board.
just then, we heard a car engine start up, an' howie went white. he sed, "o no!" an' we both ran 2 the sound. it wuz coming frum the carriage house where dr. ted keeps his sports cars. sum1 wuz in there revving the engine of a car. we ran in the side door. aldo wuz sitting in ted's 1973 jaguar xke v-12 coupe. he wuz dressed only in a bath towel, an' he wuz guzzling frum a bottle of bombay gin. we could hear him yelling "ginny, u r the only woman who has never b-trayed me!" the garage wuz filling up w/ fumes so howie told me 2 open the door.
well as soon as the garage door started 2 go up, aldo threw the car in2 reverse an' floored it out of the garage. he went streaking back down the driveway. xcept the driveway at mom's house is long an' windy, an' aldo didn't bother 2 follow it. he went zooming off the pavement on2 the lawn. howie screamed "my tulips!" an' took off running after aldo.
of course, if u remember, warren's helicopter wuz also parked in the tulip beds. aldo must've been doing abt 120 mph when he smashed in2 it. suddenly, me an' howie were knocked flat by a giant mushroom cloud of flames that erupted in the flower garden.
howie fell 2 the ground, screaming "my tulips! my tulips! y god y? y have u taken everything frum me? 1st my opera, then my jobs, then my freedom, and now my tulips!" it was kinda pathetic actually.
every1 came running out of the house 2 c what wuz up. warren screamed "my helicopter! no! y god y? u have taken everything frum me! 1st my 1 true luv, elizabeth patterson, and now my beloved helicopter!" he ran toward the flames. when it wuz obvious warren wuz gonna throw himself in2 the fire, marjee suddenly sprinted across the lawn like faster then ben jonson, an' tackled him. "no god!" she screamed. "ur not taking away another boyfriend!"
rita an' arlene came stumbling around the house in2 the frunt yard. rita saw the fire an' asked me in a trembling voice, "aldo?" i nodded, an' rita screamed. man i never herd such a hi-pitched scream. she screamed "y god y? y do u do this 2 me? 1st u took away my darling fay! now u take the gr8est male luvver i ever had! y do u h8 me, god?" rita started 2 stagger toward the fire, but arlene tackled her. "o no u don't, god, u bastard!" she screamed. "ur not getting the only luvver i ever had who can outdrink me!"
an' then dr. ted staggered out of the backyard and screamed, "my jaguar! y god y?"
just then howie's mom shouted, "o father son and holy ghost, please help these poor people, for they r truly the hulking shipwrecks on the sea of humanity!"
an' just then, sumthing amazing happened.
mayb sum1 else will take it frum here.
becks
At 12:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Becky flower,
Yo, I can only presume you want me to tell our homies about my ignominious contribution toward putting out the conflagration, biatch! Well, it's like this, yo. I hurried with all due speed around to the back of the house and grabbed the garden hose. Then I booked it back out to the trauma and the drama in the front yard and threw the hose down. Then I raced back to turn on the faucet.
When I got back to the front yard, unfortunately I had miscalculated. The force of the water going through the garden hose was greater than I had anticipated. The hose was whipping back and forth, spraying all my homies with a powerful blast of water. My Aunt Vinny freaked, yo, and chased my ass around the perimeter of the property for a lengthy period of time. What's her damage, yo? So I missed out on a lot of the shizz that occurred thereafter.
Sincerely yours,
G-Dog
At 1:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
rite b4 ger ran out 2 try an' put out the fire, we were in the broom closet an' heard all thoze peeps cursin' god. @ 1st, ger was, like, "ignore them, my little april flower, yo, we're gettin' bizzy here, fo' real!" an' i sed, "i dunno, ger, that soundz worse than usual." so we went out, an' ger did what he just told u.
i remembered that there'z an xxtension 2 the hose that becky's mom keeps in the garage, so i went an' got it, & i was all, "becky, quick, stand on the hose a minnit so i can the xxtension on!" so she did, and i started 2 attach it. but rite b4 it was fully on, becky saw sumthin' in the distance, yelled, "oh no, u friggin' don't, and sprang off of the hose. the attachment went flying off, the hose flew up in2 the air, and knocked me on the head so hard i musta passed out. i didn't come 2 until a while l8r, and i was soaking wet!
apes
At 1:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Once I'd wrestled Warren to the ground, I started to give him mouth-to-mouth resucitation. He said, "Marjee? What are you doing? I'm conscious!" I replied, "You won't be when I'm done with you. You'll be in a post-coital bliss that will make you forget all about Liz Patterson!" Then I started using my fool-proof bilabial full-throttle French kiss that Howard taught me this past summer, and I guess I was starting to dry-hump a little, too, like how could I help myself? Then I heard, "Oh, no, you friggin' don't!" And I felt a heavy, blunt force on my head before everything went black. I woke up in hospital later, with a concussion. I think.
Marjee
At 2:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
It sounds like you had an exciting evening. I read your writings reading a message board for single parents trying to hook up with their high school sweethearts. When I talked to Elizabeth about it, she told me she has nothing to do with those kinds of on-line message boards, since she is not a single parent. However, what she was mainly interested in telling me was the prosecutor did not want her to leave town, so she would not be traveling to meet to me until the trial was over, so it could be months and months before we would get to see each other again, probably not until Christmas. I told her delays were typical for when trials were about to start, but they were usually pretty short. My sweet girl said, “Only a short delay?” I told her that was normal. She seemed disappointed for some reason.
I also told what was not normal was a prosecutor taking time over a holiday to call them into his office. Normally, prosecutors don’t call witnesses together to tell them things they could say over the phone. I also pointed out since Anthony’s testimony corroborates hers; I was surprised she had not been ordered to avoid contacting him, since the Crown would not want the two of them to rehearse their story. Elizabeth said, “Well, Paul. It seems pretty obvious the way they run things in the South is different from in Otter County.” I told her that was true. I expect every time I hear something new about this case, it will be some legal variation which will make no sense to me, like it is a court system someone was making up to suit their purposes on the fly. When I get my transfer, I am going to have to familiarize myself with the all the changes to the Ontario legal system used in the South. I don’t think I had realized the Ontario legal system was not the same in different areas of Ontario.
As for me, I have to work most of Thanksgiving, but I do have some time off at the end of the day to have some Thanksgiving dinner with my relatives up in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). They have invited my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) to eat with them, so I will get to see her again. I asked Elizabeth what she was doing for Thanksgiving and she said aside from visiting lawyers, she had spent most of Thanksgiving weekend helping her ngashi (mother) with her facial hair. I asked my sweet girl why her ngashi’s (mother) facial hair would be such a problem, and she said, “You don’t know my ngashi (mother) that well. Once she starts twiddling with some part of her body she never stops. But I guess you wouldn’t know about facial hair since you are Indian.” I said, “It is a popular misconception that First Nations people can't grow facial hair. Many First Nations men do not have facial hair for reasons of hygiene, or simply prefer to be clean-shaven.” Your sister said, “Mom isn’t a First Nations man.” I agreed with her.
I think I am going to have a better time in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for Thanksgiving, than I would in Milborough watching my sweet girl deal with your ngashi (mother) hair.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
well what i saw was marjee humping warren, an' mrs. bunt wuz like, "no u friggin' don't, not on the lord's day!" an' she ran off toward marjee w/ a garden gnome in her hand. i yelled "no u friggin don't!" cuz even tho marjee is a ho, she is still my sis. i grabbed another gnome an' i got 2 mrs. bunt just as she wuz abt 2 hit marjee. i swung the garden gnome 2 hit mrs. b's arm away but i accidentally hit marjee on the head insted. oops. mrs. b sed "good arm."
sorry marjee.
more later
becks
At 2:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, u don't wanna c liz helping mom w/her facial hair. i had 2 go 2 ger'z house 2 get away fr. the site of that. his mom is lecturing us abt caloriez again.
apes
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
just then, an' this is totally awesum, freyfaxi came running outta the back yard w/ apollo, zeus, an' bowser on his tail. freyfaxi jumped in2 the burning wreck an' pulled aldo out by the waist of his pants. i guess sansabelt trousers r flame-retardant. wow. it wuz amazing. aunt mark an' uncle ralph came running out in2 the front yard in bath towels an' aunt mark claimed he could give cpr, so he jumped on top of burnt aldo--who miraculously wuz not all that burnt, mostly just singed--an' started doing that bilabial vibration kiss. uncle ralph sed "i'll massage his extremities!" an' started rubbing parts that should not be rubbed in frunt of other peeps. btw, aldo still had the bottle of gin in his hand. he's that good.
mrs. bunt shouted, "he's alive! it's a miracle!"
mom came running out in the front yard an' shouted, "goddamn it, dinner's getting cold! and who the hell broke my gnomes?" then she saw the fire and got really mad. "who the f--- started a barbeq?" she screamed. "i've been cooking 4 three dayz, goddamn it, and ur gonna eat turkey!"
well, then the fire trucks showed up. it wuz awful, with all the drunk an' crying peeps rolling around on the lawn. just 2 recap:
howie's mom: kneeling on the lawn praying
howie's dad: doing his rain man impression about how he wouldn't have had an accident bcuz he is "an excellent driver."
dr. ted: drunk an' sobbing over his car as he rolls on the lawn
mom: kicking dr. ted an' telling him 2 get his @$$ in the house an' eat turkey
dad: humping aunt jackie on the diving board
aunt jackie: getting humped
marjee: passed out cold on top of warren
warren: crying abt his helicopter
aldo: passed out on the lawn
aunt mark: kissing aldo
uncle ralph: rubbing aldo's privates an' drinking his gin
uncle jethro: trying 2 make a citizen's arrest on aldo
rita: blubbering over aldo's body
arlene: whispering in aldo's ear that if he gets better they can have a 3some
gerald: getting chased by his aunt
aunt vinny: chasing ger
apes: passed out cold frum head wound
orque: passed out drunk
the dogs: licking orque
howie: crying
me: hugging howie
gramma hortense: taking pictures 4 the family album
more l8r becks
At 3:01 PM,
howard said…
Well, as you may expect, the amazing thing that Becky mentioned that happened last night didn’t have anything to do with April or Marjee Mahaha getting knocked unconscious. I know, because I saw it happen. In the burning Jaguar / helicopter conflagration leaped a soaking wet-from-the-pool, Freyfaxi, the dog, followed closely by the dogs Bowzer, Zeus and Apollo. Bowzer, Zeus and Apollo came out with mouths full of snack foods, and initially I wondered what those things were doing in a helicopter, until I remember Warren Blackwood’s currently portly appearance. But then Freyfaxi came out with a much larger object and I thought to myself, “That’s doesn’t look like snack food. Did Warren put a side of beef in his helicopter?” But then I realized it was none other than Rita’s friend Aldo. He was screaming, “Nay. Nay. Put me back. There’s nothing worth living for. My wife, my Mary, my Rita and even my Ginny have betrayed me.” But Freyfaxi would have none of it and was dousing the fire on Aldo’s body with copious amounts of saliva from his mouth. Actually, I was a little afraid Freyfaxi had mistaken Aldo for a large meat snack, so before I could get around to testing that theory, I took Aldo out of Freyfaxi’s clutches and started getting him cleaned up.
About this time the fire department arrived and they asked why so many people were lying around unconscious. I said I thought there was a hose flying around knocking people in the head. We looked and found the hose, which appeared to have been subdued by April’s dog Edgar who was lying on it and making some interesting moaning noises. We tried to get him off the hose, but he growled at us.
The ambulance arrived to pick up Marjee Mahaha and the other guests who had been knocked unconscious by the hose, which included Becky’s uncle Ralph and aunt Mark, whom I am sure wished they had been wearing something other than soap lather when they were knocked unconscious, and Becky’s great aunt Jackie and great uncle Jethro, whom I am sure wished they had been wearing something other than Pilgrim outfits when they were knocked unconscious, and Becky’s aunt Arlene, whom I am sure wished she had been wearing something other than Rita Beglar when she had been knocked unconscious.
The police came by to arrest Warren Blackwood for illegally parking his helicopter on my tulips, but Dr. McCaulay intervened and said, “The problem was not the helicopter but my Jaguar which ran into it.” So the police arrested both Dr. McCaulay and Warren Blackwood. As they took him, he was shouting for Krystle to call his lawyer and she drove off to the police station after them. After the police left, Becky’s dad Thorvald and Orque came out of hiding. I said, “Why were you hiding? This isn’t your fault.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. If there is one thing I have learned about the Milborough police, it is that they like to blame me for fires and explosions. I think it is Viking racial profiling.” As they departed for the house, I looked at the devastation wreaked upon my beloved tulips. Becky said, “You’re a little pathetic the way you take care of these things. After you’re in prison, I hope you don’t think I am taking care of them.” I said no, but sometimes it is hard to deal with the loss of a good friend, even if it is a plant.
My mom came up to me and said, “Howard. After seeing this family, I think you may actually be better off in prison. I like your fiancée though. She has a good arm. She has spunk. I am sure baby Jesus would love for her to be in the Lord’s Army. Does she ever sing Christian pop?” I said, “Unless you count her song, Thank God I’m Getting Outa Milborough When I’m 18, then no.” My mom said it was too bad. More later - maybe.
Howard Bunt
At 3:09 PM,
howard said…
I guess there are few areas where Becky’s most recent account and mine disagree, but most can be explained by the rampaging fire hose that was still inflicting damage from the time the firefighters arrived to the time the police arrived and it was subdued by April’s dog Edgar. It seems a little perverse Thorvald was humping Becky’s aunt Jackie while she was unconscious, but I can’t say that I put that past him. It was good he had the presence of mind to wake Orque from being passed out so they could both hide.
Howard Bunt
At 3:11 PM,
howard said…
I mean rampaging garden hose. It just had a kick like a fire hose. Not that I would know what that feels like.
Howard Bunt
At 5:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I did a quick post in a moment of dizzy excitement that I was actually being around Liz and that a man in an official-looking office with an official-looking mustache was giving us official-sounding instructions and the whole thing was just so much like visiting a marriage license office I sort of lost my head.
To be honest, I was pretty worried when we got summoned to go into the prosecutor's office, as lately I'd been offering Liz a lot of moral support, and I wasn't sure if witnesses in a going after case were allowed to do that. But throwing caution to the wind I'd been all ready to morally support Liz in the parking lot but she arrived so late I did some Rex Kwan Do katas on the sidewalk to calm myself down.
A policeman asked me what I was doing but I assured him I was a champion of freedom and justice. He suggested that I go be a champion of freedom and justice somewhere else where I wouldn't accidentally injure a pedestrian.
I got kind of overexerted, in fact by the time we got into the office sweat was pouring out of my scalp and down my left ear. I tried to sneak a peek down Liz's blouse as she adjusted her purse strap to see if she wore some of the special Sensible Schoolmarm frilly eighteen hour underwear but didn't have much luck.
The attourney didn't look very impressive. He had on a 1970s sportcoat with a really wide tie and shirt lapels, and these crazy striped bell-bottom pants that were a little like the black harem pants I tried when doing my metrosexual look before I learned how to improve the Image.
I followed Liz into the office and realized she was wearing these cool klunky red leather Betty Page style fetish shoes. I didn't even know she owned anything like that! But then Liz is a Woman of Mystery. Everything else was pretty much a blur and I just sat with my hands over my lap to cover up how "distracted" I was by your sister. Then I saw he had one of the new black Apple iBooks and got interested in that but when I started to touch it the lawyer moved it closer to him.
At first I thought we were talking to your uncle, but I don't know that he ever wore 70s fashions even when they were fashionable from the pictures your mom showed me. I got all schoolboyish and started to work your sister's skirt up and I just about got it up her thigh when she brought down her purse to cut off any secret moral supporting with my fingers while the prosecutor was talking.
Anyway, I was very excited to hear that we couldn't leave town and would be stuck together until whenever. For all I care this trial can last for years. The laywer also issued some instructions that we couldn't have any out of town guests show up either, and that Liz and I had to share a bathroom and sleep in a room with a crazy clothesline tied between the beds with our clothes hanging on it like in It Happened One Night. I thought these were kind of odd instructions and started looking around for a hidden camera or Ashton Kutcher or something but the lawyer just kept talking.
I'll tell you the rest tomorrow. This is going to be such an exciting week!
Anthony
At 5:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, anthony? r u sure the judge really sed that stuff abt no out-of-town guests and sharing a room an' all, instead mayB being sumthing u imagined when yr mind wandered off 2 its happy place?
apes
At 8:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i missed a howard partee. peeps went 2 hospital & everythin’. hiz parteez r the best. sum1 alwayz gets arrested or put n hospital. i hadda strange day 2day, but it wuz 4 a rilly diffrent reazn than urs.
i wuz sittin’ out front of my house talkin’ 2 my future sis, cuz future dad & future sis had come ovah 4 thanksgiving dinner. this big long black car rolls up n fronta the house. a man w/glasses & a moustache steps out & sez, “mr. jones. would u please come n2 my car, please, and take a seat?” future sis got up w/me, cuz she sed, “this could b sum kinda trap. i betta go w/u.” we got n2 the limo, & the man sed, “mr. jones.” then he sed 2 my future sis, “& u r?” my future sis sed, “mr. jones’ future sis.” the man sed, “a pleasure 2 make ur acquaintance. i am mr. barnaby. my daughter iz innerested n establishing a relationship w/mr. jones. i have agreed 2 the arrangement on a trial basis. now, you both unnerstand that this trial may take some time. there may be delays for various reazns.”
i sed, “wut? wut ru talkin’ ‘bout?” my future sis sed, “do u know this guy’z daughter?” i sed, “no.” the man sed, “my daughter’s name iz senobia.” i sed, “i wud definitely remembah that name.” he sed, “she likes 2 call herself zenobia.” my future sis sed, “oh, frum queen zenobia, the 3rd century ruler of palmyra.” i sed, “wut?” my future sis sed, “senobia iz the spanish version of zenobia, which iz arabic n origin.” mr. barnaby sed, “u have a very well-informed sister, mr. jones.” my future sis sed, “well-informed & not st00pid. i don’t think this iz a good idea. jeremy didn’t evn know ur daughter’s name.” the man sed, “that’s lovely. however, we must b sure that ur gonna remain n town & be readily available 2 provide social interaction in regards 2 my daughter n case she has a pending need 2 spend tyme w/u.” my future sis sed, “this iz crayzee. u just xxpect 2 pop up & say, ‘jeremy it’s tyme 2 go out and jeremy says, ‘wen do u need me 2 appear?’” mr. barnaby sed, “i dunno if thass necessary. but wen my daughter wunts a man, she gets him. we have had 2 many delayz 4 various reazns.” my future sis sed, “delays cuz this is a crayzee way 2 d8. if ur daughter iz innerested n my future bro, she needs 2 talk 2 me.” i sed, “wut?” my future sis sed, “jeremy. ur taste n girlz stink & wen they break up w/u, u get real scars & not just the emotional 1s. frum now on, if a girl iz innerested n u, i gotta meet them 1st.” mr. barnaby sed, “very well. i shall bring my daughter 2 ur house 4 dinner.” i sed, “but it’s thanksgiving. don’t u have othah planz?” mr. barnaby sed, “no. not rilly. this iz milboro. no1 payz attention 2 thanksgiving here aside frum puttin’ pretty picturez on a website. most everythin’ iz open, ncludin’ the government offices.” my future sis sed, “we’ll cu there.”
so @dinner, zenobia & her dad showed up. zenobia wuz dressed all n black & smokin’ a ciggy. my future sis whisperz 2 me, “gr8. a smoker.” my mom sed, “so senobia.” zenobia sed, “call me zenobia. i don’t answer 2 senobia.” my mom sed, “all rite. zenobia. where did u meet jeremy?” zenobia sed, “i wuz tutorin’ him aftah skool n math.” my future dad sed, “so, ur a scholar?’ zenobia sed, “no. the principal @the skool iz making the z-girlz do it 4 our community service.” mr. barnaby sed, “do not b deceived. senobia gets top marks @skool, & she planz 2 go 2 university of waterloo n mathematics.” my future dad sed, “i unnerstand they have rilly good program in mathematics there.” zenobia sed, “u r so ruinin’ my rep, dad.” my future sis sed, “if ur so smart, then y do u smoke?” zenobia sed, “i smoke cuz i'm hopin’ 4 an early death.” future dad & mom gasped wen she sed this. my future sis started laffin’. she sed, “ur just a wannabe goth.” zenobia sed, “i’m leavin’.” mr. barnaby sed, “i believe senobia refers 2 herself az an antiquity goth.” zenobia sed, “that wuz last year. this year i am a graver.” my future sis sed, “yru innerested n jeremy? he’z not a goth guy.” zenobia sed, “i’m not innerested n jeremy. i mentioned him 1 tyme 2 my dad & he goez all crayzee i mentioned a guy who’s not innerested n death.” mr. barnaby sed, “that makes things a lot easier. please pardon our intrusion. senobia & i will be leavin’ now.”
mom sed, “since ur here, u mite az well stay 4 dinner. i’ve made plenty.” future dad sed, “lemme tell u ‘bout daughterz mbarrassin’ dadz. b-lieve me, w/my daughter i have seen it all.” then future dad launched n2 1 of hiz favrite subjects, which iz how future sis haz mbarrassed him. mr. barnaby got n2 it 2 & told story aftah story ‘bout zenobia, & how she left cigarette burns n his suit, or how she slashed hiz tires, or how she wuz constantly gettin’ n trub @skool 4 backtalkin’ the teacherz.
aftah awhile future sis sed, “future mom. i think i am goin’ n2 the kitchen 2 clean up. jeremy iz gonna help me.” zenobia sed, “do u mind if i come 2?” future sis sed, “no prob.” wen we got n2 the kitchen, it wuz rilly obvious future sis wuz mad. she sed, “jeremy. sumtymez i h8 my dad. i h8 it wen he haz 2 tell stories ‘bout every little thing i evah did wrong.” i sed, “it’s just hiz way of showin’ he luvs u.” future sis sed, “2nite i wish he h8ed me a little. it wud b a lot less humili8in’.” zenobia sed, “i know wut u mean. i sed 1 little thing ‘bout jeremy & dad’z doin’ hiz whole limo routine. thass so humili8in’.” i sed, “i guess it meanz he’z innerested n u. my dad could care less ‘bout wut i do.” zenobia sed, “jeremy. lemme give u a clue. wen girlz r mad @their ‘rents, don’t defend the ‘rents. u’ll live a lot longah.” my future sis sed, “thass rite, jeremy. by the way zenobia, wut’s a graver?” zenobia sed, “rave goth.”
then zenobia & future sis sorta sat n the kitchen & talked while i did the dishes. it’s been a v.v. inneresting thanksgiving.
At 9:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, jeremy, u get in2 the most peculiar sitches. glad it kinda ended ok 4 u. i never understood y mboro is so oblivious abt the t-giving thing, eh?
apes
Post a Comment
<< Home